News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
June 2003 - July 2003
Dateline June 16, 2003
Celebrity Arrival at Valdez
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A scene unheard of since the Beatles almost arrived here in 1965 transpired as Valdez turned on a big welcome for the DC3 carrying much needed supplies and our own VIP snow dog, Wee McTavish. The star dog could be seen hanging out a window and the crowd became quite emotional as the plane touched down.
A USAF WWII veteran was heard to cry out, “It's alright, it's one of ours,” as local municipal brass bands vied to out play each other.
At precisely 3:10 pm the aircraft door opened to reveal the pilot, Sr Captain Darby Willcox of PGA, soon joined by the celebrity himself, Wee McTavish. Elated schoolgirls rushed forward to take the puppy from the dashing captain’s arms and the crowd went wild.
In her welcoming speech Madam Frost-Bite, President of the Valdez Wilderness Society Lawn Bowls Ladies Auxiliary said, “I, my husband and all of Valdez are proud to welcome Sr Captain Willcox on this historic occasion. His daring and courage has shown the youth of Valdez, and indeed all of Alaska, of what a handsome young pilot is capable.”
Sr Captain Willcox’s reply was equally eloquent. “Madam Frost-Bite, your honours, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys. Anywhere you’ll ride, we’ll fly.”
At the close of the welcoming ceremony, Sr Captain Willcox and Wee McTavish along with a few select members of the community were invited to the Ladies Auxiliary Clubrooms. There they attended a veritable feast of tea and cream buns with lashings of blueberry jam, lovingly prepared by the lady members.
Although clearly not welcome at the luncheon gathering, this reporter has found out, that saddened as he is at having to part from his copilot McTavish, Sr Captain Willcox has opted to distance himself geographically from the animal ‘in favour of the new bonding process required between the dog and the girl guides who will benefit from the relationship’.
It is understood the dashing Captain has unselfishly volunteered for immediate charter flights with PGA to far away places.
Dam Flight
by Rick Smith
(Eureka, CA) Are you afraid of the water?
On a flight from Eureka, CA to the Oroville Dam carrying four government engineers, cmore (1010) had to deal with an extremely nervous passenger. His problem? They told him they were going to visit a dam, not land on one.
cmor 's attempts at levity did not calm the man (don't worry cmor, government officials are not known to have a sense of humor). At his expense, his fellow engineers had a laugh. They said in case of emergency, the pilot would distribute life vests to the passengers.
Uh, cmor...the only flotation devices in the Caravan are few tackleboxes left in there from the last time the boys went up to Darby's at Lake Berryessa...
There He Was...
by Rick Smith
(Valdez, AK) My apologies to fans of Darby Wilcox (1013) for omitting him in last weeks' installment. I plumb overlooked it.
Let me explain...no, let me sum up: There's Darby, you see and...well, he's flying a DC3 up to Valdez so...and he's got all this stuff to brew...oh and there's this dog and he...wait, there's this cork...and he...what?!?...
I'm sorry folks; I giggle too much when I read it and it makes my face hurt to smile. I promise I'll catch you up when I catch me up...
The Smell of a Plane
by Rick Smith
(Portland, OR) They say there's a bond between a pilot and his plane. Who says that? Cap'n Rick (1114) does. He recently relocated to Seattle from San Jose for...coffee reasons(?)
His first flight out of Boeing Field was a family winging out to Spokane. All was well until they hit a little rough weather. Rick had remembered to stock nearly everything in the passenger compartment of his new Piper Seneca V...except air sickness bags. Lets just say the only tip he got out of this trip was to have the whole thing ScotchGuarded when he got back to a service center!
His next flight was more genteel and serene as he carried four "young at heart" ladies to the Rose Festival in Portland. While he wasn't going to attend the festival, he made plans to attend the 2nd annual "Crab Derby".
On a side note, PGA dispatcher Herbert is quietly taking bets on exactly what part of the weekend it is that Rick can't quite seem to remember this year...
Crack Reporters MIA!
by Ian M. Issing
(Seattle, WA) Two top reporters for this publication have mysteriously disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
"One missed a deadline last week, and two missed a deadline this week!" reported another reporter, on condition of anonymity. "No one has seen or heard from them since the last time anyone saw or talked to them. The rest of us have started a pool on where and when they're going to turn up, and another one on who is going to be next."
The reported declined to report on the total amount in the pools.
When asked for a comment on the missing reporters, Edward I. Tor, co-editor of this publication, issued a prepared statement on the matter this afternoon: "Hrummppph!"
Further updates will be provided as events warrant.
Dateline June 23, 2003
Fire in the Hole
by By I. M. Away
(Cabin Creek, ID) This reporter first cracked the firewall that surrounds PGA headquarters in Seattle early last week when it was learned that PGA pilot Captain Geoff would be reporting to the US Forrestry Service for extended support duty. I stowed away aboard the Pinkies Express and then the Osprey which the PGA pilot flew.
I listened to the conversations outside the planes and learned that there were several fires burning in the Cabin Creek Idaho area. The firefighters were outnumbered by the fires and desparate for help.
I suited up in fireman's clothes that had been loaded aboard and posing as a firefighter mingled with the various crews. I was able to infiltrate into the command center set up at Cabin Creek, ID with the help of a purloined captain's insignia.
Keeping in the background I was able to learn much about the desparation of the situation. Fires were burning on a mountain just adjacent to Cabin Creek and the arrival of Osprey could mean the ending of the battle.
I was ordered out with a group of firefighters to stop the Cabin Creek fire and it was then I was forced to admit my true identity. Needless to say the forestry people were glad to have a reporter of my ilk in their midst. I was allowed free roam of the base camp and I interviewed many of the women and men that fought the good fight. I witnessed the Osprey pilot improve in his technique for takeoff and landing.
The most desperate fire was out within 48 hours and then the attacks went on relentlessly against the nuerous other moutain top fires in the area. I rarely saw my pilot benefactor, Captain Geoff, until it was time to go home. I learned a lot about fire fighting and also the personal hardships both ground troops and pilots experience in this sort of wilderness battle. Until the next time....
Local Air Charter Service Dumps Dastardly Devil Bugs on Beachgoers
by S. H. Ocked
(Seattle, WA) Beachgoers on several lakes reported seeing a Pier Glass Aviation small plane dumping large quantities of huge cockroaches. Horrified observers spotted and photographed the small PGA plane as it made several passes over the lakes.
"It was like, man, you know, bugs from outer space, or something," said local beach bunny Sandy Leggs. "I've been, like, coming here forever, and then this plane thing flies overhead taking photos and stuff and dropping, like, these disgusting things."
This reporter was in the local area of Bumping Resort and I scurried over to see what had transpired. Huge insects the size of a man's hand were seen crawling the beaches and swimming in the open lake.
Some fish apparently tried to eat some of them, but the bugs were too big. State DEP representative Josh Mickel told me that they were conducting an investigation and had already been granted a search warrent to search the premises of PGA headquarters at Boeing Field. He stated the the search was in progress and would not comment further.
State's Attorney Melissa Suesm stated "We have requested that the CEO of PGA come up here to our offices in Seattle to answer charges involving violation of several state and federal statutes requiring licensing before introducing or removing of wild life."
"This is perhaps one of the greatest disasters to befall the local lakes region in fifty years. It's going to cost millions of dollars to destory these unwanted creatures. I believe that we are looking at a terrorist cell attempting to attack our ecology." stated Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge.
Pending the results of the initial investigation, regional FBI units may be alerted and security levels increased for major and minor waterways. Estimated cost of the increased security requirements are in the hundreds of millions.
As we learn more about the ongoing investigation we'll keep you informed....
Nervous Passenger, Calm Pilot
(San Franccisco, CA) A passenger recently made a strange request of Captain cmor (1010). The passenger wanted to be flown from Lake Orville to San Francisco, but rather than take off from the lake he wanted to be picked up at a nearby land airfield. Senior Captain cmor, being the gracious, polite, and sensitive pilot he is, granted the passenger's request without batting an eye.
The only question I have is this; what sort of water landing did cmor make while taking the passenger there that caused him to not want to risk a takeoff?
Environmentalists Protest Airfield
(Parrett, CA) Three members of a local environmentalist group were in a standoff with authorities at Angwin-Parret Field earlier this week. The group apparently wished to protest the existence of the airfield on the grounds that it generates noise, air, and sight pollution.
"Airports are like, these big flat spaces where they've cut down all the trees and stuff," explained Ima Dunder-Hedd, spokesperson for the trio. "Then they put in this like, superhighway runway thing and a bunch of other little roads and buildings, and put up fences and stuff so animals can't get in, and then they scare away the birds with noisy airplanes. It really sucks!"
The trio was stopped from blockading the runway by airort security at Angwin-Parrett, and heated words were exchanged. However, the dispute was cut short by a stroke of irony in the arrival of a Pier Glass Aviation aircraft slated to pick up the three protesters and ferry them to the University of Southern California Environmentalist Action Group rally at Concord.
Breaking In Dondo
(San Diego, CA) Our Captain Dondo (1087) has been keeping busy down in San Diego. If you recall, Dondo got a lucky break and secured a long term charter flying a vintage B-25 on a tour of the US.
Things seem to be going well for the lucky pilot. He has spent the week getting familiar with the old plane. If you've seen the plane flying around on one engine or making aborted takeoofs and landings, rest assured it wasn't Dondo doing his usual routine. Our pilot has been practicing up on emergency procedures for the WW2 vintage plane.
Good thing too. We wouldn't want him to break that pretty plane would we?
Catching Up With Rick
(Seattle, WA) Captian Rick Smith (1114) spent his week recovering from the Crab Deby in Oregon, eating deep dish apple pie, drinking coffee, watching CNN and gettin his cheeks pinched by little old ladies.
Uh, Rick, what's differtent from you lying around in the lounge at San Jose? Oh yeah, the bunny slippers...
PGA Pilot Returns
(Seattle, WA) The last thing PGA Management had heard from Captain Chadza (1160) was that he was taking a Australian comedy team with the unlikely name of "Scared Wierd Little Guys" on a tour of the US. After being absent on this "tour" for quite some time, Chadza showed up at the Boeing Field FBO with the comapny King Air and a most unlikely story.
"I was laying low in Charleston with Charleston when this shady looking man in dark shades came running up all out of breath." Chadza told Herbert. He begged me to help him escape from the FBI. So I did, for cash of course."
"Where's the passenger?" Herbert asked.
"Oh he bailed out over Idaho."
Sounds fishy to me. But at least Chadza has the cash...
Cap'n Dave Captive Audience
(San Jose, CA) It seems that Cap'n Dave has been picking up the slack in the Bay area this week. From perfessers perfessing to take pix of "Lix", to a life-flight transporting a heart for transplant to picking up, to ferrying a bunch of overzealous environmentalists to a march at Concord, he's been everywhere a PGA pilot needed to be.
After these experiences, some might notice that Cap'n Dave has developed what appears to be some sort of nervous tic in his neck, causing him to nod sagely at almost everything that anyone says to him. Almost, that is...
But what Inquiring Minds really want to know is how that last sunset flight came out... you know, the one that turned that tic into an enthusiastic nod? Yeah, that one. Stay tuned...!
Vegan Vacuums Vegetables
New World Record Set for Ingestion of Celery Sticks During Protest Rally
(Concord, CA) Hugo Next shattered the world celery-eating record last week by eating a whopping 1,474 pounds of celery sticks in an hour as a part of a protest rally against air pollution.
"I'm a vegan!" Next stated loudly. "And I was hungry after all that marching around! Besides, a lot of people take up restaurant challenges to eat these 72-ounce steaks with all of the trimmings in an hour. That's five pounds of what used to be a living, breathing, animal! So you see you don't have to eat meat to prove your manhood."
When asked about those who sought to prove their womanhood by eating meat, Next replied, "that's exactly my point!" and refused to elucidate.
Next, who tipped the scales at an estimated 450 pounds prior to his feat, insists that his vegan lifestyle is the secret to his good health and his ability to eat that much good, healthy vegetable matter.
Dateline June 30, 2003
Bugs Away!
by By Snoop Carreras
(Seattle, WA) It was a case of ‘Duck & Cover’ in Seattle recently when an aircraft flying low over a crowded lake resort dropped a load of bugs onto horrified onlookers. The bugs, appearing to be very big cockroach type creatures, fell onto the beach area where they began crawling around into nooks and crannies and in some cases peoples' bags. It is not known what or who these creatures are but it is understood a local air charter company ‘Pier Glass Aviation’ is behind this outrage.
Washington State authorities are believed to be investigating the matter and "charges could be pending" said State Attorney Melissa Suesm. PGA Boeing Field headquarters have been visited by DEP personnel. It is not known at this stage what or who or anything.
"Its always the little children who suffer most in war" said local school marm Ava Read. "They were simply terrified". It appears that most parents and older children at the lake who saw the aircraft approaching thought it was a repeat of the very popular ‘Lolly Drops’ PGA performed from a Fokker Bi-Plane some years back. They encouraged the smaller children to catch the candy. "They held out their little hands hoping to catch a sugary treat from the sky only to be scared out of their wits by these horrible things crawling all over them" said Ms Read by now in tears. Counsellors were immediately called in to deal with the screaming kiddies.
We will report further on the incident as news comes to hand. In the meantime this reporter urges vigilance. Watch the Skies.
Stars Shine On Allakaket
By Snoop Carreras
(Allakaket, AK) A new theater recently completed in Allakaket (glad this is not radio folks) is due for a grand opening in July. Situated somewhere between the Alaska and Brooks Ranges, the theatre was conceived, designed and built entirely by volunteers from the local communities.
Newly elected spokesman for the theatre group, Manny Caruso said “Theres not much happening around these parts. Whittling was very popular but the conservationists moved in and now that’s gone. Mosquito racing was a big money spinner but the conservationist moved in and now that’s gone too.”
Mr. Caruso went on to say they are hoping to attract some big names to the opening night in July. Invitations have been sent worldwide to fill the playbill.
“We have asked many well known artistes to appear” said Mr. Caruso. “Opera singers, juggling acts and even a couple of groups to sing that newfangled rock & roll stuff”
So far two artists of renown have agreed to sign up for the date. ‘Artie Show’, an accomplished spoons player from Idaho and ‘Simon Smith’ and his amazing dancing bear from Sapporo, Japan. More news as it comes to hand.
Pilot and Old Woman Nab Children
by I.C.Nothing
(Snohomish, WA) A PGA pilot was spotted along with a "little Old Lady" taking two young boys into a small airplane today at Harvey Field.
A frantic parent approached the plane in a speeding mini-van, but was too late to stop the small plane which took off.
Sheriff deputies along with FBI agents investigating previous mishaps at the PGA offices siezed the pilot as he left his plane a the Boeing Field headquarters.
This reporter was unable to obtain a statement from the pilot or the older woman. Both boys appeared to be unharmed though sickly looking.
Emerald Harbor Air Stuck
by Snoopy
(Seattle, WA) Emerald Harbor Air recently was forced do to the white flue to hire local charter service company Pier Glass Aviation to carry on daily float plane operations. The plane used was an EHA craft that looked as though it had been through a beating. PGA pilot Captain Geoff stated that "This plane makes my own C-172 look like a luxury liner."
Girl Lives to See Another Day
By Northern Summer
(Seatttle, WA) A fishing accident on Orcas Island left a young girl with a fish hook embedded in her eye. State Police having no aircraft available called on Pier Glass Aviation to supply a MEDEVAC.
The girl was flown to SEA-TAC airport where emergency medical teams were standing by to perform eye surgery.
The girl, Polly Pocket, age 12, did not lose her sight due to the rapid response.
Splats and Wents
by IAM Lost
(Seattle, WA) An unknown pilot was seen landing a float plane near SEA-TAC International. Apparently unable to control the landing, he repeatedly buzzed the bay and made several more attempted landings. Finally after four tries, the plane landed. However, the plane continued at high speed racing around the bay, nearly killing two fishermen in a small boat. Unfortunately, the tail number was so faded that this reporter could not ascertain it. After some 30 minutes of erratic "sailing" the float plane departed the area and the local polpulace sighed with relief.
Dondo's Desert Hop
by Rick Smith
(Palm Springs, CA) Some people feel they were born in the wrong era. Could this be the way Cap'n Dondo (1087) feels? He's been walking (or flying) in a dream since they picked him to pilot the refurbished B-25 Mitchell "Briefing Time" on a PR tour of the western US.
Real flying. With no gadgetry. The stuff legends are made of. The...well, you get it. The latest issue of Palm Springs' The Desert Sun has a full page photo of Dondo taxiing up from performing a fly by of KPSP and slow fly overs of the city itself. The only flaw in his performance? Admittedly "a slight hop" detected on landing. Come on now, Dondo! Don't be so modest! If anything it was probably a big hop.
cmor's Dilemna
by Rick Smith
(San Luis Obispo, CA) Do you Senior Captains out there remember when you first got your wings? How it made you feel important? Powerful? Head above the rest? Well, one of you better visit with cmor (1010) the next time you see him. Every once in a while, someone gets stuck with the Charter from the Netherworld.
In agreeing to take kindly old Professor Jabber on a speaking engagement of several California colleges, cmor is also burdened with his secretary, Ms Grim. Looking out for her employers' best interests include telling cmor how to pilot his aircraft. With the bulk of the trip ahead of him, let's wish cmor the best. Not that I'd encourage it, but I did hear an idea of using a private oxygen supply and flying for some distance above 10k feet...
Peggy's New Toy?
by Rick Smith
(Ketchikan, AK) Capt Chazda (1160) has made the transition from the lower 48 to our FBO in Valdez, AK. He made the journey in one of our Cessna amphibs and has already set about making things happen. Although, things are taking a turn.
Our reporters have been informed of Chazda's inquiries of large, industrial aircraft in Alaska. How large? Large enough to carry A LOT of water...hmm. Why? Who knows? Avo's already had a bath this month and he's not even in Alaska!...
Rubber Worms to Glory
by Grim Lynn
(Yakima, WA) The continuing saga of a man and his airplane>
In an effort to keep himself above water financially, Capt Rick (1114) has been busy. He endeavored a flight out west to Great Falls, MT in his Piper Seneca. (By the by, his last trip out was with the Boss's family. Not pretty, folks.)
The last thing he figured on was a brush with the law. But not to worry. Montana's finest only needed his assistance to take a sick man back to Boise, ID. Following his nose (and Barney out of Tacoma), he winged his way to Baker City, OR and up to Yakima, WA. All to get several boxes of rubber fishing worms out to Puget Sound.
The bad thing being the reliablity of his new aircraft...or lack thereof. Until such time, he feels it would be safer for him and the public at large to fly shorter hops in planes with fewer engines. Although, there's some that say he shouldn't even be flying kites in the park...
Dateline July 7, 2003
See Food and Fly It
by By Snoop Carreras
(Juneau, AK) It seems the seafood craze is on again as this popular item is being distributed to restaurants in Juneau. PGA pilot Captain Chadza recently flew in a load of fresh seafood. The actual contents of the cargo however remains a mystery as it was packed in sealed crates. On investigation this reporter has surmised that prawns were at least part of the freight as a plastic shopping bag containing some shells and heads from prawns was spotted in a garbage bin close by where the PGA amphibian was parked.
Acting on my belief that ’the public has a right to know’ I asked Captain Chadza to provide information as to the contents of the seafood cargo. He was unable to reply as his mouth was stuffed with Chili Crab (a popular mudcrab dish on the menu at ‘Singapore Harry’s’, a restaurant in Sydney Australia).
Captain Chadza did however manage to say “anywhere you’ll ride we’ll fly” not easy to pronounce with a mouthful of chili crab before telling me to get lost and rudely walking away. I urge my readers to make bookings at local seafood restaurants over the coming weeks to find out exactly what the cargo consisted of. Manager of Northern Operations Ms. Peggy has informed me that seafood attracts PGA pilots like no other cargo. “Their eyes glaze over and they drool whenever a charter involving fresh seafood comes available” she said.
New Doohickey For Local Airline
By Snoop Carreras
(San Jose, CA) News just to hand….a new doohickey has been ordered by PGA charter airline. The surprising news was leaked to this reporter at noon this morning after a pilot employed by the airline placed an order for a brand spanking new heavy-duty doohickey. This surprising revelation was later denied by the pilot Captain Pooter Murdock who claims the mechanic made him do it. After exhaustive investigation this reporter has found out that the doohickey is an essential requirement when flying yoghurt in honey pots. PGA management is remaining tight lipped about the new doohickey however you, my readers, the public, have a right to know.
The Trials of cmor
by Betsy Wishes
(Los Angeles, CA) Intrepid pilot that he is, our Captain cmor, (#1010) has persevered with his charter with Professor Jabber. In actual fact the professor is the perfect flying customer. However, his secretary and travel companion, Ms. Grim more than makes up for him. The plane never seems to be clean enough, the takeoffs soon enough, the flights smooth enough and the landings quick enough for her liking. All of course in the name of Professor Jabber's comfort. Never her own.
Good luck on your future flights with the professor, cmor. You are going to need it.
PGA Boss Disappears!
by I. M. Nosey
(San Jose, CA) This reporter has it from good sources that the infamous head of Pier Glass Aviation, Shanya Damerval aka "The Boss" has once again disappeared. The reason for this diappearance remain a secret. Perhaps it is something to do with a sudden cockroach isfestation in Washington State that is being laid at the doorstep of her charter airline?
This is pure speculation of course. The VP of Operations, one Cap'n Dave, could not be contacted for comment as he is busy, "out flying charters." That's what this reporter was told officially. We have learned from other sources he was actually playing Euchre, something he evidently enjoys immensely.
Old New Face at PGA
by I.M. Nosey
(San Jose, CA) The red head aircraft mechanic, known as Marie has returned to her old job at Pier Glass Aviation. The fiery wrench turner refuses to answer any questions about where she has been or what she has been doing since her last appearance at the San Jose hangar. This of course leads us to speculate.
Perhaps she is using PGA as a hide out from her real life of crime when things get too warm for her? She certainly makes things warmer for all who cross her at San Jose. At times she acts like she owns the place.
Union Hopes Squashed at PGA
by I. M. Nosey
(San Jose, CA) This reporter has also learned that a pilot's group that was in the early forming stages has been disbanded by heavy handed action from Pier Glass Aviation management.
"We were all standing around, talking over technical stuff, you know, like doohickeys and things?" one pilot who wishes to remain unnamed told us. "Then someone mentioned doing something about having to fly in planes with obsolete doohickeys and quick as a flash Cap'n Dave was there scattering us to the four winds. Literally. He gave us all assignments that took us apart from each other and stopped any further discussion."
Another pilot told us that he had been given a particular nasty assignment because he was very outspoken about what to do, going so far as to suggest the FAA be notified.
These actions lead this reporter to ask, what is PGA management so afraid of? What do they have to hide?
Dateline July 14, 2003
Pilot Suspect in Petersburg and Ketchikan Fires
by Hod Idit
(Ketchikan, AK) The brush fire that managed to keep local firefighters busy around Petersburg and the fire that nearly destroyed Ketchikan last weekend were not accidents.
"We knew someone had to be behind these fires," stated local state trooper Lew N. Forsman. "Have you ever tried lighting a campfire in southeast? You just don't get fires like this in a place that averages 170 inches of rain a year - the whole place is waterlogged and simply won't burn unless you dump kerosene on it or something."
And that's apparently just what someone did. According to Forsman, traces of liquid paraffin have been found on trees around Petersburg and on buildings and foliage in and around Ketchikan.
"It was the only way the place could have burned," reiterated Forsman.
Theories as to who and why abound.
"At this point, we're mostly looking at strangers to the area who left town immediately after the fire, and particularly those whose property somehow escaped the fire."
Forsman declined to comment on any specific leads the troopers are pursuing, but Greg Retch, owner of the local Air Waves charter service, says that the troopers were asking some pretty pointed questions about a pilot he'd recently contracted to help out with the extra charter work he had due to the exceptional weather. The pilot, known only as "Chadza," left town the morning after the fire, the amphibious Caravan he brought with him from another charter airline operating out of Valdez having somehow escaped harm from the blaze.
"The night of the fire, he'd just happened to tie his plane up out yonder by the end of the jetty," Retch reported.
Troopers declined to comment if they were seeking the mysterious Chadza in connection with the blaze.
"Nice guy, really - and a darned good pilot," Retch said. "Who would have thought he'd burn the town down like that?"
Where Did They Go?
by I.C. Knowone
(Seattle, WA) The skies over the Puget Sound region have been strangely quiet since the cockroaches were dropped on the area's lakes two weeks ago. In fact there has been no sign of planes or pilots from the notorious charter airline Pier Glass Aviation.
"There has been a noticable drop in reportable incidents at all airports," chief Air Traffic Controller Joseph Richochett. "It has almost been like a vacation for us."
The chief dispatcher for PGA in the Seattle area tells a different story. "I don't know where all the pilots have gone. I have cargo stacking up all over the place. I am having to turn away customers. This could be a financial disaster for PGA in this area," the dispatcher told us. "I really need pilots, and I need them yesterday."
Finacial ruin, criminal charges and disappearing pilots. It seems that Pier Glass Aviation Seattle Division is in real trouble.
Bowler Accused of Cheating
by I.B. Framed
(San Jose, CA) Mr. Stryke Bowler was accused of foul play last night in the Bowlwieser Bowling Tournament after his new custom ball cleared eight pins, then did a strange sort of back-spin maneuver that knocked down the other two pins and completing a strike. Mr. Bowler, who arrived several hours before the tournament in order to "practice" with the new ball, maintains that it's "all in the wrist," and denies any wrongdoing. Officials are investigating, although the ball in question curiously failed to reappear via the ball return.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Bowler, who reportedly accompanied her husband to the tournament -- although Mr. Bowler denies this -- has not been located. It is suspected that she may have her husband's ball and be seeking clandestine transport back to Stockton, where the couple makes their home.
Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of Mrs. Bowler and/or the source of Mr. Bowler's new custom bowling ball, please contact the San Jose Bowling League.
Have Lawn Will Cut
By Snoop Carreras
(Beluga, AK) Business is positively booming in downtown Beluga with yet another innovative enterprise as Lenny’s Lawn Mower Service & Repairs opens its doors early next week.
“I am confident of a successful opening” said Lenny. “I know there are not many lawns around here," Lenny went on to say, "however I do know there are lawns in California, lots of them”.
The strength of Lenny’s business lies in a planeload of lawn mower parts that were flown up from California by PGA. Lenny plans to assemble the machines and sell them back to Californian’s via mail order.
“I expect to begin taking orders early next week. The stock is currently aboard a PGA DC3 at Homer and is due here by then” said Lenny.
Just how many lawn mowers the people of California will buy is not clear however Lenny’s Lawn Mower service & Repairs is confident of a heap of orders. Stay tuned for more clippings.
Investigation Into Coasties' Cushy TP
by Soffie T. Shoe
(Kodiak, AK) A report that a load of ultra soft, three-ply toilet paper was delivered to the Coast Guard station on Kodiak has prompted an investigation into the station's command, according to sources in Juneau.
"Three-ply?! Heck, that's better than we get in Juneau," complained a disgruntled desk jockey on condition of anonymity.
While some might consider three-ply toilet paper to be an amenity due the crew in Kodiak, who put in some of the most harrowing time in the Coast Guard with frequent SAR missions in the north Pacific and Bering Sea, the fact is that the sewage system in Kodiak is not able to deal with the super soft stuff.
"Gums up the system like nothing you've ever seen," reports Si Lage, foreman at the Kodiak Waste Treatment plant. "We got a system geared to Sears Catalog standards, and this cushy stuff coming down the pipe just wads up and sticks to everything. We've had more downtime in the last two months than we have in the last six years! Them folks up there are gonna have to pucker up and toughen up those soft tushies or replace the entire system."
Apparently, the contraband TP had been being flown in by a local charter airline based in Valdez, rather than coming on the usual C-130 supply runs. It is not known what other items have accompanied the TP, or what consideration said airline has been receiving for the service. However, it is speculated that the airline - and more particularly the pilot -- is not doing it out of the goodness of its heart.
Kodiak command could not be reached for comment.
Dog Bites Vet
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Local Valdez vetenarian Cat Stevens was bitten on the index finger as he attempted to take the temperature of the famous snow dog Wee McTavish yesterday.
“I went to lift his tail to insert my thermometer when he spun round and had a go at me” said the visibly distraught animal doctor.
Luckily the vet was wearing a new brand of rubber gloves recently part of a large cargo of supplies flown in by PGA on their new DC3.
“He didn’t get through the glove, but boy, he gave me a fright” he added.
Previous attempts to examine the dog have also been fruitless. It appears there is some concern with Wee McTavish. He won’t stop eating and is growing hugely fat.
“He eats everything and anything” said his handler. “However his toilet manners are impeccable, he doesn’t mess anywhere but he is prone to piddle on expensive carpet, but only if he doesn’t eat it first”
It seems the vet can’t get near the animal and he’s therefore never been examined.
Owned by the Valdez Wilderness Society, the dogs obesity problem is a growing concern. Planning is currently underway for a weekend wilderness trek attended by local Girl Guides, the dog and a Parks & Wildlife ranger. It is hoped the exercise will burn off a lot of the dogs weight and cure his bad eating habits
Dog Day Afternoon
by Toto Bark
(San Jose, CA) New pilot Jonathan Van de Veen (1189) was off to a running start last week, flying china to Gnoss (everyone remember that one?), tractor spares to Rio Vista, and then landing the plum job of flying Mrs. Phelz's dog from Rio Vista to Buchannan. It was a bumpy ride, however, and true to form, the dog threw up all over the back seat. Jonathan reported an otherwise uneventful flight that took him 0.5 hours, but does not report how much time it took him to clean the plane afterwards.
We assume he knew he had to clean his own plane...
cmor Presses On
by Rick Smith
(Los Angeles, CA) More dogged determination is what this reporter's been seeing from cmor (1010). Constantly harangued by Professor Jabber's assistant, Ms Grim, he stoically perseveres. Add to the mix Professor Bray, long-time colleague of Jabber who seems to babble on in a language not easily recognizable...ugh!! We'll be looking to catch up with cmor again on his stop in San Diego...should he manage to hold it together for that long...
Cap'n Dave's Secret Identity?
by Clipper
(San Jose, CA) "Out of the Clear Blue of the western sky..."
Cap'n Dave had his "Song Bird" Cessna 310 detailed during its recent annual, and the report is it's looking and running better than ever. Since its return from the shop, Cap'n Dave can once again be heard whistling the tune from Sky King, and presumably will be arriving just in the nick of time to take care of urgent charters all over the west coast.
Does Cap'n Dave have a neice named Penny? Can a white hat and a ranch in Grover, Arizona be far behind? Stay tuned...
Chadza, Moving Target
by Rick Smith
(Ketchikan, AK) Were you wondering where Chazda (1160) had gone? How many of you readers knew he was in Alaska? And how many were hoping he'd stay? No such luck.
While this publication was trying to follow leads of an alleged fire that swept through Ketchikan, it seemed that Chazda had already left again for the SoCal area. While we don't have the specifics at this time, we know he departed PAKT in a Pier Glass Aviation Cessna Caravan fitted with pontoons for amphibious operations.
This reporter only hopes that he remembers to use the inertial separator correctly.
What's an inertial separator? Why, its a...never mind. Go ask one of the pilots. We reporters don't have time to...Wait! Don't ask Murdock! He'll go on for...yes! I said Murdock! No, not Pooter...well, yes Pooter. But don't 'cause...Oh, just forget it...