News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
November 2003 - January 2004
Dateline November 6, 2003
PGA Douses The Flames
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) PGA Executive Phillipe "Mr. Boss" Damerval confirmed that PGA pilots were on their way to assist in the fire fighting efforts in California.
“We are very concerned with the damage to life and property that these fires are causing and feel it is our duty as an airline to assist in whatever way we can. To this end we have called in as many of our pilots as can be spared to assist the authorities in any way possible. I have arranged through my contacts a selection of aircraft with fire fighting equipment and our pilots will be working tirelessly to fight fires day and night until the crisis is over.” Mr Boss went on to explain that fresh eclairs would be provided to the victims of this tragic episode.
Currently Tony “Bonez” Peaker is in the area performing duties in a borrowed (legally) C-130 and it is hoped that more pilots will be joining him soon. Mr Damerval was unavoidably detained with a business trip to Aruba to tie up some aircraft maintenance problems but is expected back soon.
Local Airline Returns Slowly
By Stander Sawit
(Seattle, WA) In an unusual move the past week, local charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation, returned back to work. Maddog Mooney, local art teacher, whose son won an art showing with renowned painter Jaques Painter spoke with me on PGA's first flight in recent weeks.
"I came in wanting to transport this picture of my son's that won first place in an art competition up to Mr. Painter. I can't believe what they charged to deliver it. Far more than Emerald Harbor Air wanted. Only EHA would not fly up there unless in bright sunshine. The picture had to be appraised before the auction this weekend, so I didn't have a choice"
Mr. Mooney, a 25 year teaching veteran at Miss Sylvias School for the Exceptional, was wrought with emotion as he continued. The painting, it turned out was appraised at $250,000. "I was really glad I didn't go with EHA. That painting had to get back in one piece. It was worth it. I hope PGA will be here forever"
Emerald Harbor Air Stock Soars
By S. Leezy Writer
(Seattle, WA) Stock prices for Emerald Harbor Air (ticker EHA01) have soared this week as the continued mainstream airline, Pier Glass Aviation showed little progress in increasing daily flights.
"We're adding more flights daily" states a poster in their operations center. Hiring posters and ads are currently circulating through the area. I recommend a buy on this stock as continued strengthening of EHA's air routes increases.
Boss Sighted
By Blynd S. A. Batt
(San Jose, CA) The increasingly notorious, mysterious, and elusive "Boss" of PGA reportedly has been sighted in the San Jose area.
Wanted in at least three states, Shanya "The Boss" Damerval is being sought for questioning on matters ranging from the disappearance of two local characters to the recent Baron crash to a rash of missing doohickys all along the west coast. Currently, a reward of 50,000 is being offered for information leading to the arrest of Mrs. Damerval.
Anyone who sights The Boss should be cautious, as she is reported armed and extremely dangerous. Report any such sighting immediately to your local law enforcement.
Communications Down!
By Tess LaMarconi
(Valdez, AK) Despite reports of activity in Alaska this week, no news was forthcoming from the Land of the Last Frontier. It can only be assumed that either the mail plane encountered a cumulus granitus cloud, or that it's running on what is known as "Alaska Standard Time" -- an hour or two early or an hour or two late... if they're not along sometime today they'll be here tomorrow or the next day or whenever the weather lifts. Meanwhile, we'll play some light music for your entertainment.
(Cue Disney's "It's a Small World")
Dateline November 10, 2003
Always Mix Business With Pleasure
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) In a quiet week for Pier Glass Aviation it seems that one pilot had more than his share of fun. Cmor was responsible for transporting Mr Bugle from "Blow Your Own Horn Developments" from Napa to Santa Rosa, and then on to Oakland for a series of meetings. BYOH Developments is a firm specialising in renovations of old office buildings into hotels and apartments for the up and coming young professionals of today.
"We are constantly looking for ways to tap into the youth market" Mr Bugle said. "They are the new future for business marketing. They have the money to spend, and the ideas to spend it on. We just find out those ideas and make the appropriate moves to ensure that they come to us first"
To back up his claims Mr Bugle introduced us to his Vice-Presidents of the company. Mr Vince Trumpeter, Mr Dirk Tuba, and the newest member Ms Janice Horn-Blower, are all "beautiful people" under the age of 25 and are finely attuned to the market they are attempting to reach.
The new apartment complexes they are building will contain three night clubs, two spa/gym facilities, a building-wide wireless network to allow for multiplayer gaming in any location, and a floor of fast food outlets and specialty shops targeted at the early to late 20's residents.
PGAs' pilot Cmor was surprised at the ability of his passengers to enjoy themselves. "They told me early on that their company had been struggling recently, but they still managed to produce large amounts of expensive champagne, took limousines to and from the airports and all carried the latest models of electrical equipment such as phones and laptops. Something tells me they are not telling me all the information. I might just buy some shares in the company based on the way they throw money about."
Stealthy Seattle Plot?
By E. Madge Ination
(Seattle, WA)After a brief flurry of activity in the Seattle area, PGA's hangar once again appears to be quiet and deserted.
Or is it?
This reporter believes that PGA's apparent inactivity in their Boeing Field office may simply be a clever ruse in order to lull competitor, Emerald Harbor Air, into a false sense of security, or even to lure them into ruin.
Emerald Harbor Air, a recent startup in the area, was PGA's primary competition, and PGA was making them fight for every charter they got. Now, suddenly, EHA finds itself in a position of not having enough pilots or planes to take up the load left by PGA, particularly in the wake of the infestation of Semistriped Seven-Legged Bikini Beetles. Why would PGA allow EHA to get a leg up in this manner?
Why, indeed.
It has long been known that all is not as it seems with PGA, and there is no reason to believe that this situation would be any different than any other. With the recent shutdown of their Vashon maintenance facility; the mysterious disappearances of their Boss, their Vice President, and their chief mechanic; the recent rash of doohicky thefts in the area; and the fact that at least one of their pilots is wanted in at least three states, this reporter smells something rotten in the state of Washington.
Stay tuned... there is sure to be more to come.
Fly Like an Eagle
By Bea Z. Boddy
(Eagle, AK)Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... The Blue Baron!
Eagle residents this week were treated to the sight of Cap'n Geoff's distinctive Blue Baron making a "short approach" from 12000 ft to the airport. Betting was hot as the aircraft nosed over and popped in and out of the clouds on its way down, with the odds running as high as 10 to 1 in favor of his augering in.
At the last possible moment, Cap'n Geoff pulled the nose up and landed with mere inches of runway to spare. Onlookers applauded as a group of Park Service employees with faces almost as green as their shirts practically leapt off the plane and staggered towards town.
"The only problem I see is those guys aren't going to be in any hurry to get in a plane to leave," reported a local resident who had cleaned up on the betting. "But it sure was fun to watch them get here for a change."
We imagine Cap'n Geoff can expect more requests for his services coming out of Eagle, particularly when the flight involves the Park Service.
To Catch a Chadza
By Eve Dropper
(San Jose, CA) Sightings of both Mr and Mrs Boss in San Jose have been confirmed, and it's reported the Boss is back with a vengeance. Despite having spent a relaxing several weeks on the beaches of Aruba after her passengers landed in jail for burning down the airport, the Boss quickly regained her usual attitude after a brief visit by the FAA during which the main topic of discussion was one Cap'n Chadza.
Apparently, Chadza is wanted for questioning in relation to an aircraft accident that occurred just shy of South County a few weeks ago. He also is wanted for questioning in an incident involving an infestation of beetles in Washington, and a fire in Ketchikan.
After disclaiming any knowledge of any pilot by that name, both the Boss and Mr Boss pulled out their charts, called in Marvin, and began working out where the errant pilot may have gone.
Mr Boss was particularly peeved at Chadza's having left the area.
"It is regrettable, this thing about Chadza crashing the client's plane and then disappearing, somehow. Regrettable for him, that is. Once we hunt him down, I look forward to having a brief conference with him."
The Boss was nowhere near so eloquent:
"I'll wring his Aussie neck."
Cap'n Chadza's whereabouts are presently unknown, but wherever he is, he'd better give thought to where he might go next, because the Boss is on her way, and she ain't happy.
Dateline November 17, 2003
FAA Inspector Taken Hostage!
By Luce Witfax
(Seattle, WA) Military forces scrambled this week after Emerald Harbor Air reported an FAA inspector who had hired the local charter company to take him around to inspect regional airfields had been taken -- presumably under false pretenses -- by an unknown pilot.
It was reported that a man wearing the most hideous Hawaiian shirt anyone had ever seen picked up the inspector at EHA's FBO and took off with him as an apparently willing passenger in a non-EHA owned Piper Arrow with duct tape possibly covering what might have been identifying markings. The EHA pilot who had been assigned to fly the inspector immediately alerted his superiors, who in turn alerted the tower, who in turn alerted NORAD of suspected foul play.
"It was all done by the book," reported I.C. Farr, who was the lead controller on duty at BFI at the time. "We reported the suspicious aircraft right away, and it really was suspicious, someone taking an FAA inspector like that. Really, if you're a competitor, like say PGA, who was going to snipe a charter, you don't snipe an FAA inspector, you know what I mean?"
Military forces quickly intercepted the wayward Piper and insisted on an immediate landing. It is reported that the aircraft initially refused to cooperate, and that some negotiations ensued. It is assumed that the existence of a hostage is what kept the F-15s from turning the small craft into so much tin confetti. The aircraft ultimately was forced to land at Auburn, where it and its pilot and passenger were secured pending the arrival of FAA and military officials.
According to the local Flight Service Station, the aircraft in question took off under a flight plan filed by a "T. Beaker." It is not known if Mr Beaker is in the employ of any other airline or if he acted alone.
Further updates as events warrant.
Super-Size that Chicken!
By N Kwyring Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a bird in a plane! But not just any bird. This week, PGA's own Cmor was chauffeur to the latest in hunger-busting scientific advancements: The Super Chicken.
Created by Juliet Pullet, the new strain of chicken is approximately twice the size of a regular chicken and looks set to revolutionize the poultry farming world. Just one rooster reportedly could supply the O'Donalds franchise with enough material to make up to 3,000 Chicken O'Nuggets.
While it was originally thought that the super-size birds would require significantly more food, it appears that the new Super Chicken eats only a fraction more than a standard chicken while creating less waste, a fact that has got the poultry farming world clucking. Furthermore, the Super Chicken eats food that no other chicken would consider, although researchers were evasive about what, exactly, that meant.
PGA pilot Cmor was tasked to fly the bird from Oakland, where it had been on display for an agricultural convention, back to the Woodland farm of the Pullets’. The only problem he encountered was the chronic lack of visibility that seems to plague PGA pilots, but the bird was delivered safely.
“Once again PGA has shown that we are always at the forefront of technology.” Cmor told reporters, apparently referring to the fact that the Super Chicken rode in the rear baggage compartment. “We plan to be setting up a working arrangement with the Pullet Poultry Farm to charter for all flights needed for the Super Chicken.”
Off the record, Cmor also added, ”That bird still kind of freaked me out a little.”
Grime Doesn't Pay
By Ima Gawsip
(Valdez, AK) Cap'n Geoff knew where to draw the line.
They were a rowdy, smelly bunch, dressed in overalls, toting picks, shovels, and gold pans. They hadn't bathed in weeks. Their teeth were rotting.
Cap'n Geoff refused to take them. He told Peggy, PGA's divine mistress of the north, that there was no way in hell that group was setting foot in his plane.
Minutes later, Cap'n Geoff was taking off, passengers and all, going where their whim would take him.
Later, the same Cap'n Geoff was seen purchasing a case of each Lysol and PineSol. One thing is certain -- if there's one thing Cap'n Geoff has learned in all his years with PGA, it's how to clean his own plane.
Dateline November 25, 2003
The Return of the Old Man
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) A spin-off to the new Lord of the Rings Trilogy, you ask? No. This week in the San Francisco area a long lost pilot has returned. Does he have a name? Again, no, or at least not so far as this reporter can determine.
Arriving first in Half Moon Bay, “The Old Man” as he has come to be known, was seen looking through the old Bay Area Charters building. It is theorized that this secretive character may have been an ex-employee of the now defunct BAC airline, which changed its’ name to Pier Glass Aviation when BAC management suddenly disappeared.
“The Old Man” was seen entering the back of the apparently abandoned building with a heavy satchel, and later exiting with the satchel seeming much lighter. Coincidentally, the next morning there were 2 new aircraft waiting -- a Nomad and a dishevelled looking Huey helicopter. The paint on both aircraft looked similar to that of Oakland Air Charter aircraft, but in the early morning light it was hard to tell.
Shortly after taking delivery of the aircraft, “The Old Man” left the helicopter with the HMAS mechanics and took off in the Nomad, headed in the direction of San Jose.
The only thing heard from the grizzled old pilot was, “There’s always China”, leading us to believe he may be planning to travel internationally.
Anyone with further information on the secretive “Old Man” should contact me at Bay Area News. A reward of as much as $10 in free dry cleaning vouchers may be offered if the information is of any use.
Stick with Me and You’ll Go Far
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) Local celebrity and best selling author of “How Duct Tape Saved My Life”, Mr I.M Stickee, is on a regional book tour this week. He is being flown by PGA’s very own Cmor. Mr. Stickee has spent years compiling the information in his book from both personal and other people's accounts of the uses of duct tape in perilous situations.
From patching leaking exhaust pipes and car fuel lines up to hair raising descents from burning skyscrapers, the book shows how a generally overlooked product can be of immense use to the common man. Mr. Stickee told us of one event which he personally experienced:
“I was trekking through the wilderness in northern Canada when I noticed that I was being stalked by a grizzly bear. Without wasting a single moment I drew out my roll of duct tape and fashioned a rather crude but effective crossbow. I knew I had only one shot so I waited until the last moment and let loose with the bolt. The bolt struck the grizzly and stuck to its fur, which was sufficient to hold its charge. While the bear attempted in vain to remove the arrow from its fur, I was able to escape to safety.
"Since that day I never go anywhere without my duct tape.”
It is believed that Stickee is now writing a science fiction novel based in the Star Wars universe. The working title is “Gaffer Tape is like the Force: It has a Dark Side and a Light Side and binds the whole universe together”
The Hunt Continues
By I. M. Rong
(San Jose, CA) The hunt for Pier Glass Aviation's missing pilot, Chadza, continued this week. Chadza was last seen in San Jose prior to the crash of a client's Beechcraft Baron that was intended to be flown for maintenance. Since the crash of said Baron, he has been missing and presumed AWOL.
PGA management have denied that Chadza had any connection to the accident, even after intense investigation by the FAA (a seemingly all too regular occurrence of late). Senior managers Mr and The Boss have recently returned from Aruba and are attempting to get to the bottom of the mystery.
“We are worried for Chadza. He was... I mean is a talented pilot of great value to the organisation. We fear that he may be in some sort of trouble and hope only to find him and bring him back to his adopted family”, stated The Boss before leaving San Jose in a shiny black limousine.
Mr Boss also left at the same time and was seen clutching flight manuals printed in what appeared to be Russian. We are unsure why the manuals were needed but a short time after their departure a Russian built Tupolev 204 was seen leaving Oakland carrying only two passengers.
Manhunt On After Terrorist Escapes
By Luce Witfax
(Seattle, WA) The terrorist who kidnapped an FAA official last week has evaded law enforcement officials and is actively being sought for questioning and prosecution.
The FAA official, who has been identified as Mr. B. Eaurocrat, has been recovered unharmed, although he insists that there was no hostage situation and that the whole incident is one huge cock-up. It is theorized that he is suffering from "Stockholm Syndrome," and he currently is undergoing psychological evaluation and involuntary deprogramming.
The kidnapper is known only as "T. Peaker", which experts theorize is a pseudonym with a deep hidden psychological meaning. At present, top FBI profilers are working around the clock to put together a profile.
The terrorist escaped after his forced landing by creating a diversion as the military aircraft in the area were forced to refuel. He sent Mr. Eaurocrat to contact his superiors on the phone at Auburn, which neatly diverted attention from his own actions. Suddenly, he leapt into his plane and took off. Law enforcement at the scene fired several shots, but it is not known if the aircraft was hit. Flying under radar, it was soon lost to would-be pursuers.
The aircraft is reported to be a black and white Piper Arrow, registration NBNZ01. Anyone spotting this dangerous criminal should not approach him. He is considered armed, desperate, and dangerous. Use extreme caution and contact law enforcement authorities immediately. Under no circumstances should you accept a ride in his airplane.
New Trend in Aircraft Paint Takes Off
By Flynn Hye
A New Paint Job?
Aircraft such as this one are coming out of the paint shop looking worse for wear.
(Olympia, WA) There's nothing like the feeling of seeing your newly-painted aircraft wheeled out of the shop, gleaming in the sunlight, every line perfect, every detail sharp and clear.
And there's nothing like the agony of that first ding. Maybe you forgot to take the crescent wrench out of your pocket before leaning on the horizontal stabilizer to turn the plane around. Maybe you drop the fuel hose. Whatever it is, your eye will forever after go to that spot.
Or will it?
Tin Tints, a new business that just opened its doors in Olympia, has an answer to the "new paint blues" -- the "distressed" look.
Chief aircraft artist Manny Ray Noir, explains:
"What you do is paint the plane, but in such a way as to make the plane look as though, for instance, flying the Sahara for the last twenty years. The more old and beat up it looks, the more people like it... well, so long as the aircraft itself isn't beat up. It's all in the paint."
Inspired by the recent eccentric requests of an Australian pilot who has been making the rounds, as well as by the aircraft of a certain local charter service, Tin Tints has been doing a booming business in recent weeks. They offer a wide range of distressed paint themes, including "Scorched Sahara," "Andes Mail Plane," "Bay Area Charter," "Canadian Bushwhacker," "Jungle," "Barnstormer," and "Seattle Grunge."
The idea of a custom distressed paint job has caught the imagination of Seattle area aircraft owners, and it seems we'll be seeing a lot more beat-up planes around in the near future.
Santa Goes Around... and Around... and Around...
By I. Witness
(Shishmaref, AK) It's just another day in Shishmaref. Overcast, winds coming from the south at 30-plus knots.
The standard 50-degree crosswind for runway 23 was all lined up to test the mettle of the pilot at the controls of the arriving C-130. The children of the town were lined up, watching and waiting for Santa Claus to come.
Would he let them down?
The kids held their breath as the aircraft lined up... and let out a collective groan as they saw the plane blown too far to the right and heard the pilot hit the throttles to go around. But a wide sweeping turn and he was coming at them again... and again their spirits sank as the aircraft powered up to overfly the little village.
But the pilot did not give up. This was not the regular National Guard pilot. This was a PGA pilot in command. And he knew he could land that plane.
It was on the fifth attempt that the bold and daring pilot found the crab angle he was seeking to hold the centerline. At the end of his approach, he put the port wing down into the wind and fought to set the plane down on the snow-blown runway. The plane was crosswise to the landing strip and halfway down the runway by the time the wheels touched. The pilot turned hard starboard, but the wind blew the heavily loaded craft off the runway and onto the frozen ground where it rolled to a safe stop.
The children cheered. Santa had arrived! He strode down the walkway where he nearly lost his hat and beard to the bitter wind screaming across the flat, 10-foot elevation island. Nonetheless, he maintained his composure, clamped his hand firmly over his hat, and met the children in the town hall where he passed out gifts. Later, he was overheard saying that the pilot of the C-130, one Cap'n Geoff of Pier Glass Aviation, was the best pilot he'd seen since Rudolph.
Will Cap'n Geoff manage to bring the goodies in to St. Michaels? Stay tuned...
Local Airline Swells its Chest
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Local airline PGA looks set to expand yet again with the purchase of a C-130. PGA's own Captain Geoff (known for his daring lack of fear) was rumored to be in serious discussion with a Major James of the USAF. Subsequent rumors have a C-130 aircraft waking Valdez locals at god forsaken hours as it does takeoffs and landings in windy conditions.
Consequent rumours have the Post Office working overtime as job applications pour in to fill the rumored "hundreds of ground staff" PGA will need to employ to keep the C-130 flying.
This intrepid reporter can verify that queues of hopeful unemployed are lining up at the airport gates to apply for positions with PGA and local mobile chef Harry de Wheels is making a sqillion with his piecart. The rumour that Harry's pies are made from MukTuk retreived from the city dump after being tested as unfit for consumption by anything alive are however unfounded but not yet officially dismissed.
Jamboree Set to Swing
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Organizers are hoping for clear skies next Saturday as the annual Girl Guides Jamboree gets underway. Hundreds of participants together with parents, delinquent child institution guards and other youth minders have gathered in this northern city in anticipation of a rousing good time. "Local business is the real winner from all this" said someone from the Mayors office. Rumours that PGA airline had made a 'Tonne of Money' transporting most of these visitors have not yet been verified. This reporter contacted Ms. Peggy, PGA's northern manager, only to be told "Money? what money..we gave at the office".
Locals can expect a full on day at the Jamboree. Events and competitions include: Baking, Tug-o-War, Hockey, Crochet and sewing and knitting, HopScotch, Mud wrestling, Archery and an attempt for the guiness book of records most massive food fight. A dramatic reenactment of the fateful Scott Expedition to Antartica will be presented by the older Girl Guides and the wonder dog Wee McTavish followed by a huge firework display.
Locals are warned however to get your tickets to this event early. Rumors of PGA pilots scalping tickets on the night at greatly enhanced prices cannot be disproved.
Dateline December 2, 2003
PGA Brings Heavies to the Aleutian Chain
By Snoop Carreras
(Dutch Harbor, AK) Two of PGA's most prominent pilots -- Mr and Mrs Boss, themselves -- brought a Tupolev 204 into Dutch Harbor this week, spawning rumors that the notorious airline will be expanding its area to include the Aleutian Islands, and its fleet to include Heavies.
The aircraft, which is the spitting-image of a 757, landed hot, but stopped before the end of the runway through the apparently serious abuse of all braking systems.
The Bosses were met by board member Lukexcom, who has been serving as Hub Captain for Alaska the past two months. Mr. Xcom had with him a mysterious device that appears to be a new kind of aircraft powerplant.
Local residents and transients alike are pleased to hear that Alaska Airlines will be getting a little competition. "Maybe the ticket prices will finally come down a bit," suggested a fisherman at the back of the bar.
Whatever PGA's plans for this area, remember -- you heard it here first.
Jamboree Delayed
By Snoop E. Dawg
(Valdez, AK) The Annual Girl Guides Jamboree, originally scheduled for last Saturday, has been indefinitely postponed.
Girl Guides mascot and general wonder dog, Wee McTavish, has reportedly eaten all of the food that was prepared in anticipation of the attempt on the world record for most massive food fight.
Wee McTavish had been on a strict diet of dry kibble for several weeks following a spree of gluttony that left him in danger of having his belly outgrow his legs. Looking fit and trim and weighing in at a lean, mean, 4-1/2 pounds, the spunky little dog suddenly leapt out of the arms of his keeper and began devouring the contents of all of the town's folding tables set end-to-end.
"It was horrible," sobbed a young Girl Guide, obviously traumatized by the scene. "He even ate the creamed beets and Mrs. Harwich's spinach teriyaki casserole!"
The small black terrier apparently could not be stopped, as anyone coming close enough to reach for his collar was growled at most severely. Remembering their experiences with Wee McTavish soon after his arrival in Valdez, no one was willing to push the issue.
After demolishing the contents of the tables, Wee McTavish reportedly rolled over to the end of the room and cocked his leg on the mayor's shoes.
PGA Pilot Tarnishes Image
By I. Strayne
(Gnoss, CA) The mysterious Old Man continues to baffle those trying to sort out just who he really is.
Some believe he is a remnant from the days of Bay Area Charter, which shut its doors under mysterious circumstances some years ago.
Some believe he is one of the three original board members of PGA, two of whom disappeared under extremely mysterious -- and some would say suspicious -- circumstances a few years ago.
Some believe he is the Ghost of Christmas Past... but they've probably been nipping from some of their more festive cargo.
One thing is for certain, however: He has a calculator, and he knows how to use it.
The Old Man was spotted at Gnoss this week, seemingly breaking every rule in the unofficial version of the PGA ops manual. As a forklift set tractor spares into a plane large enough not only to sleep in but sleep comfortably in with enough room left for making toast on a small cooker with a grill, he stood off to the side and twiddled a calculator, directing that the various boxes go here and there.
"There's only one explanation for that sort of behavior," states a local who lives near the airfield at Gnoss. "He was calculating weight and balance."
This behavior flies in the face of the reputation of PGA, both in the fact that the spares were being carefully loaded with the assistance of mechanical equipment, and that they were being placed with careful consideration as to how they might affect the aircraft's flight characteristics. The very fact that he has an aircraft that he could sleep in and not wake up with a wicked crick in his back is enough to cause some to ask questions like, has The Boss gone soft?
President and chief policymaker of PGA, Shanya "The Boss" Damerval, could not be reached for comment.
Who is this mysterious Old Man, and what does he think he's doing, going around making weight and balance calculations and resting comfortably out of the rain whilst eating warm toast? Could scones be far off?
Stay tuned...
UFO Sighted at Rio Vista
By I. B. Leeve
(Rio Vista, CA) A strange aircraft landed at Rio Vista this week, prompting some locals to attempt to contact Agents Mulder and Scully in a panic.
Eyewitnesses report that the odd, rectangular aircraft bore a faint resemblance to an airplane, but behaved more like a helicopter.
"It came cruising in, dropping from about 5,000 feet to the runway," said Miss Ima Phool, who was driving by in her car at the time. "Then it simply stopped. No rolling down the runway or anything. It just stopped. Then it turned and sort of floated over to the PGA FBO. My little dog, Floofie, was just in paroxysms!"
Mr. Col E. Bull, who was walking his dog near the airport, confirms that the craft did not behave as one would have expected. "It came in just like you'd expect any normal airplane would, but then it bounced down on the ground and made a horrible noise. I swear, it didn't go more than ten feet before it stopped rolling. Never seen anything like it in all my life." Mr. Bull's dog slipped his collar when the craft touched down and hasn't been seen since. "I just hope they're not doing any experiments on him or anything. He's my favorite dog!"
Local law enforcement, when called to the scene, found nothing unusual. Investigations are ongoing, however, according to Officer Hi Anlow. "When that many people report something funny like that, we check it out real good. Especially when it involves that PGA outfit."
Uneventful Flight -- Eventful Reunion
By Flynn Hye
(Santa Rosa, CA) The flight was uneventful, reported Cap'n Cmor after the fact. Perhaps it was. But he couldn't know that there was a storm brewing at the other end.
Cmor's passenger, Boris B. Gamy, had explained that he was on his way to meet two women, each of whom he described as a potential fiancée. All well and good.
Except that both women started talking to one another before he got there.
Mr. Gamy was last reported in stable but serious condition at Santa Rosa Memorial Hospital. The magistrate released both women on their own recognizance on the grounds that Mr. Gamy "had it coming to him."
It Rained in Seattle
S. Lo Newsday
(Seattle, WA) It rained in Seattle this week. That's about all that can be said for the action in this area. With everybody and his brother out looking for that mystery terrorist guy who took the FAA agent hostage, everyone has been either laying low or keeping their collective noses clean. How long can it last?
How often does the sun shine in Seattle?
Dateline December 9, 2003
Seeing an Old Man About a Dog
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) “The Old Man” has been seen flying about the Bay area again this week. His Nomad has been busy fulfilling the backload of freight shipments that have been piling up over the last few weeks. This week he was heard musing over the vagaries of flight bookings as he was called upon to ferry man's best friend from Rio Vista to Concorde for a dog show.
Having spent many years in the airline trade, he had seen his fair share of airborne canine dilemmas and hoped that this flight would be the exception rather than the rule. Alas, the dog apparently read the rule book and proceeded to become violently ill throughout the entire trip.
The Nomad was seen at Concorde airport being cleaned for a good three hours or more after the flight and “The Old Man” did not appear to enjoy it at all. It was later reported that The Old Man was seen purchasing a number of "pine fresh" air fresheners from the Stop-N-Rob by the airport.
Fowlplay was the Case
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Francisco, CA) Jazz ensemble Fowlplay are on a tour of the San Francisco area this month. With dates scheduled almost back to back for three weeks they have been working overtime to get to each gig on time. This schedule has meant that the band is on the bus immediately after the show and on the road to the next concert.
That was all going according to plan until their concert in Santa Rosa on Wednesday. It seems the lead singer, John Fowl, went missing for some hours after the concert. While band members searched feverishly for him their schedule proceeded to self destruct. By the time he was found there was no time to make the trip by bus to Concorde for the evening show.
The manager, Mr I Steel, rang around the airlines trying to find a last minute charter. With the weather closing in, there were no small charter outfits ready or willing to take on the flight. After many hours searching, however, he found success with San Francisco area stalwarts, Pier Glass Aviation. Their pilot, Cmor, was more than willing to help them out and soon had them booked for the short flight to Concorde.
It was only on arrival that he discovered that the lead singer was afraid of flying and would need to be bindfolded for the entire flight. “It was strange”, said Cmor, “but I’ve seen stranger in my time with PGA.”
After a weather challenged flight the group arrived in Concorde and proceeded to put on a spectacular show.
WHEEE DOGGY, ITS ON!
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez AK) Locals will be thrilled to hear that the Girl Guides Annual Jamboree has been rescheduled to take place next Saturday. Hundreds of participants will be strutting their stuff as this global event gets underway after a successful plea by organisers for food donations netted tonnes of products.
We have so much more than before" said a tearful assistant volunteer, "Its just marvelous that we can now go ahead with the event".
Many local business owners will also be relieved. It appears this unfortunate delay has been somewhat taxing on some facilities for example Ernie Bogmire's Portaloo business is reported as overflowing.
"The delay means extra business but with all these visitors the system is already flush" cautioned Ernie. "By the end of the event next Saturday night we expect to be at full capacity with nowhere to go".
A more refreshing statement from head sport organiser Molly Sprinter welcomes the decision.
"It's so exciting" she gushed. "Someone has generously donated a container of jelly crystals which means the girls wont have to wrestle in mud after all. We have changed the event to Jelly Wrestling, Isn't that super?"
"It will be alright on the day of the race providing they keep that Wee McTavish wonder dog under lock and key" said local vet Cat Stevens. "I'm seriously worried, the animal just eats and eats with no effort to stop. Any strenuous activity during the event could be serious for him. I'm not kidding, something has to give". The dog in question is understood to be in seclusion, muzzled, in a straight jacket and on a strict diet of ginseng tea and two 'Arnotts Water Crackers' a day while training for his part in the extravaganza. "He is unhappy but resigned and eager" said his trainer.
This reporter strongly urges locals to attend and support this exciting event next Saturday, however warns, although the rumour of ticket scalping by PGA pilots on the night cannot be proved, the strong rumour of illegal bookmaking on the jelly wrestling by a more unscrupulous pilot has not been denied.
"Jelly wrestling?" hissed an incredulous Ms Peggy, PGA's northern manager. "My boys would never touch the stuff. Its bad for your teeth and gives you zits".
Op-Ed piece - the Australian Menace
By S. Haul
(Seattle, WA) It seems to me there are just too darn many Australian pilots in the Seattle area these days. You can hardly understand them on the radio! Somebody Really Ought to Do Something.
Australian Pilot Sought for Questioning
By Justin Thyme
(Seattle, WA) Officials have announced that they are actively seeking a pilot by the name of Tony Peaker in connection with the recent kidnapping of an FAA inspector. Peaker is said to have been employed by notorious local charter company Pier Glass Aviation, although the airline denies that Mr Peaker is an employee or has even been in the area.
"Peaker? No, he's not here. I heard he was lost in Antarctica with the Scott expedition a while back. Tragic, really," was the comment of Darby "I'm Not as Think as you Drunk I am" Willcox, who is the current hub captain for PGA's Seattle operations.
A reward of $250,000 is offered for information leading to the arrest and indictment of Mr Peaker. Anyone with information should contact the Seattle police department.
New Pilot at PGA Seattle
Ima Blynde
(Seattle, WA) There's been a new pilot spotted at PGA Seattle this past week, presumably hired by the incoming HubCap, Darby "Killer" Willcox to pick up some of the slack at the troubled FBO.
Sporting vaguely purple hair that looks like a red dye job gone bad, a brown scruffy beard, and a hairstyle that looks a lot like like he did it himself with the help of a broken mirror and a pair of dull, left-handed, round-tipped children's scissors, the newbie was issued the company's derelict Mooney Bravo from behind the hangar and pointed in the direction of FedUP's offices.
FedUp has received an influx of perishable packages bound for places like Rochester and Port Angeles for the Christmas season, and it seems their Metro pilots aren't keen on any place with less than 2500 ft of runway. Enter PGA, who was the lowest bidder for the job, much to the dismay of Emerald Harbor Air, PGA's primary competition in the area.
Filing flight plans and making radio calls full of rolled R's and sprinkled liberally with plenty of "goshes," "darns," and the odd "yo, wassup", PGA's new pilot has the controllers guessing about where he's from. "Sounds like an Australian trying to sound like an Italian imitating a Frenchman pretending to be German doing his best American accent," was the consensus of the Flight Service Station staff.
Wherever the mystery pilot is from, he has some interesting ideas about landings and may be somewhat confused about the use of the term "legal." "Legal" has something to do with following the law, and nothing to do with getting your plane and cargo where it needs to be in one unbent piece. As it is, his standard approach seemed to be to drop flaps, gear, and speed brakes and point the nose to the threshhold. Fortunately, he seems to be able to pull it off. Either that or he's just lucky.
Dateline December 27, 2003
WONDER DOG STUNS AUDIENCE IN FINAL CAPER
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) The huge audience attending the long-awaited and rescheduled annual Girl Guides Jamboree last Saturday evening was stunned, appalled, shocked and awestruck after a dog flew up into the sky and exploded in a shower of sparks. Wee MacTavish the almost famous wonder dog and Girl Guide mascot appeared to take off like a rocket, ricochet off a porta loo then ascend straight up about 150 feet before exploding with a loud crack.
"It was incredible" said an awestruck bystander. "During the fireworks display this grossly fat dog wobbled onto the field where the fireworks were and lunged at a catherine wheel which was spinning. The dog appeared to bite the firework and swallow a peice of it. Next thing its standing there looking puzzled when a loud pop echoed out across the field and sparks shot out of the dogs behind" The awestruck bystander went on to explain how the dog then took off like a rocket and collided with the middle porta loo in a row of ten. "He hit the portaloo then shot up into the sky ahead of a huge trail of sparks. I swear we thought it was a space shuttle launch" Thinking it was part of the show the audience broke into spontaneous applause only to be stunned into silence as the dog exploded raining down a shower of sparks which ignited the middle porta loo.
As each porta loo exploded in turn, bits and peices (some of them unmentionable) rained down on the crowd. In the ensuing panic, many were hurt in the crush suffering broken limbs and bruising. medical units from local hospitals and military bases rushed to the scene.
"I knew this would happen" said local vet and critic Cat Stevens. The dog could not be restrained. He broke free from his handler and dived straight into the Jelly wrestling pit where he ate all the jelly. After that there was no stopping him. He raced through the displays and food tents eating everything left open. Nothing was untouched, the casserole competition, candy floss and ice cream, rhubarb custard competition, trifles, jams. Not only did he eat the sausages and all the onions over at the sausage sizzle, in a manic eating frenzy he also gobbled up all the fire starters for the barbeque. Next he got into the adults only section of the beer tent and polished off whiskey, gin and a rather cheap and nasty house wine. its a disaster"
The foreman in charge of the fireworks display was still in shock at the time of going to press as was the president of the Guides movement Ms Mabel Frost-Bite. Neither could comment. Mr Ernie Bogmire owner of the porta loos has not been found since the incident. He was last seen heading to the area with cleaning gear. "The scene resembles a battleground" said innocent bystander Esau Awl. "Wounded everywhere, cries for help and water. It reminds me of when we hit the beach at Omaha. There I was, first out of the landing craft when all of a... hey, hey where ya goin??!
While the true cost of this appalling incident may not be known for sometime it is estimated that some hundreds of people have been affected in some way. Hospitals are full of injured and mentally distraught men women and children. In an seemingly unrelated incident, one of the fireworks handlers was admitted to hospital where he had a wine bottle cork removed from his eye. "I dont know where it came from" said the recuperating handler. "I saw the dog swallow a lit firework. Just as the sparks started gushing out his rear I got hit in the eye with this cork so I didn't see anything else."
As the citizens and visitors alike in Valdez try to settle back into nomality, investigations into the cause of the incident are underway. Armies of lawyers are said to be already booking plane tickets to this normally normal northern city. Counselors are on hand for the girl guides worst affected, the dogs adopted guardians. For them its still Saturday night and its going to be a long night. This reporter suggests that the nightmares of the exploding wonderdog will haunt the dreams of these youngsters for years to come.
A response to this apalling incident has been released by the treasurer of the Jamboree organising committee. It reads, "Whereas we are simply appalled and saddened by this unforseen and unrehearsed event we do not at this stage evisage any refunds."
A memorial service will be held for McTavish at a later date.
Have a Nice Tripp
By Ms. I.N. Formed
(San Jose, CA) PGA pilot Cmor was tasked with flying one Mr. Tripp of Tripp Hazard Safety Consultants from Concorde to Sonoma Skypark, and then on to San Jose. Tripp reportedly was investigating accidents that have occurred in the region lately due to unsafe buildings and poor work practises.
Apparently the workplaces he was asessing were of such poor safety that he managed to injure himself numerous times in the course of his inspections.
"Tripp Hazard Safety? You gotta be kidding! That guys IS the hazard! I've never seen anyone so uncoordinated. I didn't want him in my plane in case his bad luck followed us in the air!" Cmor said after finishing the flights.
Plane Goes Missing -
No Wreckage Found
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) A Nomad flown by a Pier Glass Aviation pilot went missing on a flight from Half Moon Bay to Sonoma County this week. The pilot, known as "The Old Man" has been with PGA for only a short time although his flying history is believed to extend back over many years.
The plane was tracked on radar from Half Moon Bay to near the Point Reyes VOR at 3500ft when it suddenly disappeared of the screen. Bay Departure air traffic controllers had just made a traffic call to the plane and handed the flight off to Travis Approach when it suddenly dropped altitude and was lost in ground returns.
The pilot of a Piper Cherokee was questioned regarding the disappearance as he was the nearest to the Nomad when it disappeared. Mr Alan Viator heard the traffic call to the Nomad and his plane and had responded that he had the traffic in sight.
"It was just after the Nomad replied to the traffic alert that his nav lights went out and it dropped towards the ground at an incredible speed. I don't know if he had a catastrophic failure in his electrical system but I never heard a mayday call as he went down."
Bay area search and rescue teams spent 4 days last week searching the area around the last known position of the plane but have been unable to find any wreckage of the plane.
FAA officials are asking for anyone who may have seen the aircraft to contact them with any information they have.
The Old Man - A Brief History
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) In the past few weeks we have seen a lot of "The Old Man" in the San Francisco area, culminating with his sudden disappearance and presumed crash between Half Moon Bay and Sonoma County. Although he is somewhat of a mythical figure with an apparently long history, there is little actual fact known about the mysterious pilot. This article will piece together what is known about "The Old Man" based on information through those he has dealt with recently and a little detective work on my part.
"The Old Man" arrived in Half Moon Bay on the 20th of November this year. He arrived in a California Prisoner Transport bus but was not wearing a guards uniform. In fact the prisoners remaining on the bus appeared to show him a lot of respect as he stepped down, leading us to believe that he may have actually been a prisoner of the state who has only just completed his term. After some unofficial checks with the California Prisons Department, we were able to obtain a few more pieces of the puzzle. Although they would not disclose the nature of the crime, they did inform us that he served three years of a five-year sentence, and had been released early due to good behavior.
From his arrival in Half Moon Bay he moved to the motel across the road. The clerk there ultimately was helpful, but failed to really shed any light on his past. He signed the register simply as "The Old Man", again covering his past by not revealing his true name. He paid cash and went straight to the room, staying there for an hour at most before heading to the aircraft brokerage at the airfield.
There, he spoke with the owner of the brokerage, a Mr B.Y. Playne. Playne told us under duress that "The Old Man" purchased a G22 Nomad and a Huey helicopter. Payment for these were in gold, an uncommon sight in these parts. We were able to view one of the gold coins, a krugerand, common currency in the shady underworld deals that exist among criminals. We can only speculate as to whether the coins were obtained in prison or perhaps stashed prior to his incarceration -- payment for a job well done or a mouth kept shut.
After purchasing the aircraft, he left the helicopter for maintenance and repainting while he took the Nomad to San Jose. San Jose, as many in the Bay area know, is the home base for the notorious Pier Glass Aviation. No surprises there, as it happens. When "The Old Man" arrived, he was put right to work, no questions asked. Of course, PGA has ties with the former Bay Area Charter company that was based in Half Moon Bay. Another clue, perhaps?
In the time since his arrival, "The Old Man" has been flying regular charters for PGA and has not provided any additional clues as to his previous relationship to PGA or its principals, BAC, the crime he might have committed, or in fact even his real name. The only clue is his newly repainted Huey. A paint job such as that can only belong to a member of the Woodstock generation, thereby allowing us to at least gain some insight to his actual age and upbringing.
Again, any information that may assist us in discovering more about this enigmatic aviator would be welcomed with a healthy application of cash.
Toxic Terror
By Ms. I.N. Formed
(Concorde, CA) A recent test of experimental pesticides has caused the FDA to begin an investigation into Concorde based chemical manufacturer We-Kill Pty Ltd. They were testing a new form of pesticide that is capable of treating as much as 10 acres of crops with only a 1/2 gallon drum. Unfortunately for the company there were some rather disturbing side effects to the chemical. Any plants that were exposed to the chemical begin a fast transformation from male to female or vice versa. This phenomenon has also been seen in animals that live in the fields that were being tested.
Local residents in the area were extremely worried about the chemicals. Mr or Mrs Paine (we were unable to tell which and they were unable to tell us) was out walking his/her dog on the day of the testing.
"I was walking by the field when a small plane flew over and dumped a load of the chemical. I didn't really notice anything at the time but an hour or so later I started developing symptoms very much like the flu. Within the next few hours I became unable to remember my gender. I think I was a male once. But I'm not sure. I just can't tell by looking anymore"
The FDA initially ordered all stocks of the chemical to be transported to their disposal facility in Borges-Clarksburg. However, the CIA has reportedly intercepted the shipment and caused its diversion to an unidentified warehouse. The shipment is to be carried by an undisclosed local airline but the company has assured us that the airline is highly experienced in the transport of dangerous chemicals and that all precautions necessary will be taken.
The FDA initially issued a statement to the effect that anyone who believes they have come into contact with the chemical proceed immediately to their local doctor and have a complete checkup. That advice, however, has been recinded and superceded by a statement from the CIA, which reports that there is absolutely nothing to worry about.
Pilot Lost in Antarctic Tragedy
By Luce Witfax
(Seattle, WA) The pilot sought by authorities for questioning in an incident involving the kidnapping of an FAA inspector has perished in a tragic accident in Antarctica.
"Yes killed outright we understand," reported PGA Hub Captain Darby Willcox. "It would have been a fall down a bottomless crevasse, froze to death in an avalanche, eaten by a leapord seal whilst taking a dip, or death by attack of the killer penguins... not pretty whichever way you look at it."
FBI spokesman Rolf Peece expressed the regrets of law enforcement. "Unfortunately, this means that our investigation is concluded and the perpetrator not brought to justice. We did give consideration to mounting an expedition to retrieve his remains and bring him to trial posthumously, but given the fact that the place of his exact demise is unknown, we are advised that the costs are prohibitive, even for us.
"Therefore, we will turn our efforts to bringing other intractibles to justice."
Dateline January 13, 2004
CMOR MAKES FIRST LANDING OF 2004
Doesn't Bend Gear
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Captain Cmor had the honor of making the first landing of the year for PGA when he brought Mr. and Mrs. Muchodinero back to San Jose after a swanky New Year's Eve party at Napa Valley. Cmor reported that "my first landing of 2004 was one of my smoothest in recent days," to the awe and amazement of all. A mechanic who later inspected the Caravan he was flying confirmed that the gear was, in fact, not bent.
"As best I know, it's a first for PGA," he said, shaking his head. "No good can come of this, I'm sure."
Mr. and Mrs. Muchodinero are reported to be convalescing after their New Year's festivities, and could not be reached for comment. Their maid, however, did reveal that the Muchodineros are in such a state that the slightest bump practically sends them into convulsions of agony.
RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL MISSING
By B. Leave
(Moffet, CA) Two crates containing a highly unstable experimental radioactive material have reportedly come up missing from storage at the military's top secret nuclear reactor at Moffet.
Anonymous sources have confirmed that the material was stored at the facility in two large grey crates, the disappearance of which was noted in a routine inventory.
"It's really some nasty stuff," one source stated. "It was being developed for totally illegal and immoral purposes. In addition, they'd run out of lead boxes to put it in, and so they just stuck it in a couple of crates they had lying around until the next shipment of lead boxes arrived. So the stuff was totally unshielded. I'd really hate to be the guy who took that stuff out of here..."
Given the lack of appropriate shielding, officials reportedly are looking for suspects who actually glow in the dark, or for patterns of such people that would lead to the current location of the crates. Anyone who notices a strange greenish glow about themselves at night should not reproduce, but should report immediately to Travis Air Force Base for debriefing.
Squirrel Sues PGA
By Ima Lyre
(Sacramento, CA) A lawsuit was filed this week in Sacramento County against local charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation. The complaint asserts intentional infliction of emotional distress on the part of a PGA pilot who refused to let Celia, the renowned performing squirrel, out of her cage during a flight from San Jose to Sacramento.
Leo Sagittarius, Celia's personal vetrinarian, says in an affidavit accompanying the lawsuit that Celia was subjected to "severe emotional cruelty" on the part of the pilot, who convinced him to leave Celia inside her cage for the duration of the flight rather than allow her out so she could rehearse for her upcoming performances.
"I was not happy about having to leave Celia in her cage," the affidavit states. "And after we landed in Sacramento and got to the theatre, my worst fears were realized when Celia refused to come out of her cage. She was devastated, and certainly in no condition to perform.
Since then, all she does is lie at the back of her cage and eat hazelnut chocolates. We've had to cancel literally hundreds of performances."
PGA is being sued for upwards of $5 million for loss of revenues, loss of consortium, and punitive damages.
PGA PILOT TO GIVE EVIDENCE
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Local Airline, Pier Glass Aviation, looks set to have its already tarnished wings tarnished even further following a request for Captain Darby Willcox to attend the 'exploding dog' investigation currently underway. "We have an exploding dog, a missing person, many injuries and a couple of thousand traumatized Girl Guides. This just all adds up to PGA in our book, loud and clear," stated a local police chief's assistant.
It appears the chairman of the investigative tribunal hastily commissioned by the State has requested the appearance of Willcox 'to answer some perfectly innocent questions.'
"We understand a close friendship developed between the dog and the pilot during his flight north. This could be relevant. We can coincide our questioning with the planned Memorial Service to be held next week. Our main concern is the missing person Ernie Bogmire, the portaloo businessman," said the chairman. "From our investigation so far we have surmised that he was the closest to the proximity of the cataclysm on that fateful Saturday nite. If we find him alive, we are sure his information will be relative to the event. If we find a bit of him....weeeelllll..."
This reporter took it upon himself to try to actually contact the summonsed Captain in Seattle, where he is apparently serving time as Hub Captain. A dispatch clerk person known only as "Barney" claimed that "Captain Willcox is distraught beyond belief about this incident and cannot comment until after the investigation is complete." It appears a tearful Captain is packing for the trip to Valdez, sipping a little known brand of Irish wiskey and singing that tragic sheepdog song 'Old Shep.'
Further updates as events warrant.
LOCAL CHARTER SERVICE SHUT DOWN
By Phil Rushin
(Renton, WA) Out of the Way Water Taxis was shut down this past week after a phone call tipped federal and local officials to the charter company's sideline business -- traffiking illegal substances.
Sgt. R. Garcia gave the following official statement:
"A reliable anonymous source contacted my office this morning and gave detailed information regarding Out of the Way's involvement in contraband activities at the Renton Airport. I immediately notified the TSA, FBI, and ATF, and a joint strike force was formed to seize the subject airline's aircraft and secure their offices pending location of a judge willing to issue a search warrant. We are pleased to state that the situation is entirely under control, and that Out of the Way will no longer be polluting our fair city's youth."
Upon questioning, Sgt. Garcia stated that the specific illegal substance or substances transported by Out of the Way is unknown, but that it is definitely "some really bad stuff."
"We will be going over every last nut and bolt of each and every aircraft ever owned or operated by this company," stated ATF agent Paer A. Noya. "We feel that the shutdown of Out of the Way Water Taxis is a major blow to the local contraband market."
Nearby, innocent passengers of Out of the Way, who were unaware their charters had a secondary purpose, were left stranded. Fortunately, Pier Glass Aviation, the hub captain for which happened to be on hand just after the seizure occurred, graciously agreed to divert other flights to handle Out of the Way's passengers.
"We are so grateful to PGA," said Out of the Way's owner, Flynn Waterhouse. "This is all a terrible misunderstanding and a horrible violation of our civil rights, but other charter companies are treating us as though we have plague. We greatly appreciate PGA's coming forward to assist us in our time of need."
FIRE AT BOEING FIELD
By Ms. I.N. Formed
(Boeing Field, WA)Firefighters responded yesterday evening to a fire at Boeing Field, just behind the Pier Glass Aviation hangar.
According to Hub Captain Darby Willcox, the fire spontaneously started after a pile of papers was accidentally soaked in avgas and brought into contact with a 'USS Knox' zippo lighter.
Willcox explains: "I had just come back from helping out that poor charter company by delivering one of their passengers, and brought my weekly paperwork out into the... um, weather for some fresh air while I sorted them and filled them out.
"Next thing I knew, a five-gallon can of avgas that was in the hangar somehow made its way out here and spilled all over the papers. Well, by then it was getting a bit dark, and I couldn't quite see what had happened, so I pulled out my lighter and BAM! The whole lot went up! Just like that!"
None of the papers were able to be saved from the conflagration, much to the non-apparent distress of Willcox. "Oh dear me," he moaned. "I shall have to get by without having done my paperwork! How terrible. I think I need to be alone."
Willcox retired to the PGA offices and was unavailable for further comment. Officials have deemed the incident an accident and no further investigations are pending.
COPPER CENTER COW COOKOUT
By Luce Witfax
(Copper Center, AK) An aircraft piloted by Cap'n Geoff of Pier Glass Aviation intersected with a cow on landing at Copper Center this week, resulting in the decapitation of the cow and a community-wide barbeque.
The cow, who was known as "Bessie" to locals, was the pet of local personality Marty "Beef" Wellington. Mr. Wellington was unable to comment over the loss of his long-time pet, although his neighbors were heard to compliment the diet of beer and potato tops on which the cow had subsisted for several years.
"Best beef I've had in ages!" was the cry from most in attendance at the fete.
The aircraft was apparently undamaged, although it was sorta hard to tell at first what with all of the blood and the state of the aircraft to begin with. The pilot and his passenger departed town soon after the incident.
CAP'N RICK BACK IN THE SADDLE
By Faqts Skewed
(Valdez, AK) Cap'n Rick Smith has returned to duty as Hub Captain for Valdez after recovering from what was apparently a tragic accident involving a staple gun. Filled full of anti-inflamitories and some of the more traditional painkillers, his first job was to bring the Caravan on up to Merrill Field in PANC so he could drop some documents off with the FAA -- a task which he pulled off with minimal difficulty. We have to wonder how he hid that arm from the FAA guy who took the paperwork, because we're pretty sure the validity of his medical might have come into question.
At any rate, welcome back, Rick! Yes, that was Peggy's Restaurant, and it could even be the same Peggy... place has been there as long as most people can remember. You should have had some of that pie, and I'll guarantee you if the coffee was weak it's because someone mistakenly gave you a cup of dishwater.
PGA NEWS PAGE UPDATED AT LAST!
Boss cites "life" as reason for long delay -- resolves to cease having one in future
By Miss N. Formed
(San Jose, CA) In an unprecedented flurry of activity and general business, The Boss has updated the news page.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," sighed the harried PGA executive. "In the so-called 'real' world, I am trying to start a new business, and have a son whose medication has ceased working as it should so I am left with a highly unstable bipolar child who is either zombie-like or raging uncontrollably, with no way to tell which it will be from one minute to the next. Thank heavens my in-laws are living with us to take care of the baby, who just started walking and who loves to throw things to the new puppy. Oh, and my ex-husband is living in a trailer in my front yar. Pass the scotch, would you?"
The Boss went on to say that she has decided to wind down her life in the real world and retreat to the much safer, more comforting world of PGA instead.
"At least in the PGA world I can use duct tape to solve problems and get away with it," she stated irreverently.
Dateline January 20, 2004
CASE CLOSED -- COPS NOT HAPPY
By Snoop Carerras
(Valdez, AK) The Coroner, 'Hizzonor' wrapped up the case of the exploding dog and missing person earlier this week bringing down his decision of missing person presumed dead by misadventure caused by an exploding dog. " In spite of the fact that not a trace of remains have been found I find that Mr Ernie Bogmire is undoutedly deceased, a condition brought about by a series of explosions caused by the antics of an overexcited puppy" intoned Hizzonor. Furthermore I find the puppy 'Wee McTavish to be also deceased despite the fact that not a whisker has been recovered."
"Despite the fact that during this hearing we have learned from his employees Mr Bogmire used a particuly volatile cleaning agent based on liquid cordite for his portaloos, nothing illegal has been proved. It may have been Mr Bogmires diligent scrubbing that ignited the middle portaloo but due to lack of any bits and peices we have no evidence. We have further learned from Captain Willcox of PGA that although the dog McTavish had an eating disorder bordering on manic and had a penchant for human fingers occaisionly, he was really a dog with a heart of gold, I can therefore lay no blame for this tragedy", Hizzonor further intoned. "Mr Bogmire was diligently working and Wee McTavish was diligently fulfilling his status as a puppy. I declare both beings as dead by misadventure."
A murmer of approval swept the gallery audience as a bereaved Mrs Bogmire added "Thats my Ernie, died as e lived. Worked es guts to the bone" she sobbed. A contingent of girl guides present at the hearing also felt moved by Hizzonor's words bursting into a chorus of 'Out in a Blaze of Glory' with gusto.
Outside the hearing however feelings were not so supportive. Local police deputy assistant 'Don Trymee' snarled, "Yeah well....I smell PGA in this somewhere as sure as a rat loves offal and it aint roses I be smelling."
OUT OF THE WAY ON THE WAY OUT
By Ms. N. Derstud
(Renton, WA) With their planes locked up and charges of traffiking in illegal substances looming, the future does not look bright for Out of the Way Water Taxi.
Last week, a joint force of DEA, FBI, ATF, and TSA officials raided the small local charter service after an anonymous telephone call tipped local authorities to the company's sideline business. While the specific illegal substance or substances involved have not been formally disclosed, sources close to the investigation have hinted that there may be a connection to the experimental and highly unstable radioactive substance that recently came up missing from the super-secret military base at Moffet, California.
Out of the Way's aircraft are currently locked up in the company's hangars, and reports that the planes glow in the dark have not been confirmed.
Meanwhile, competing charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation, has graciously been assisting Out of the Way by taking over all of their regular charters.
"PGA has been absolutely the best," according to Out of the Way's owner, Flynn Waterhouse. "They have been very helpful with all aspects of our operations here, providing service to all of our usual customers in our time of need. We haven't done anything wrong, and I'm confident that we will be cleared of all suspicion and returning to normal business as usual very soon."
PGA Seattle Hub Captain Darby Willcox was out on a charter and unavailable for comment.
GREEN PARTY LOBBYIST MOWS DOWN MOOSE
Associated Press
(Cordova, AK) Notorious Green Party lobbyist Eve Andjello was inexplicably medevac'd to Juneau this week after an encounter between her SUV and a moose.
According to local troopers, Mrs. Andjello was traveling along Resurrection Creek Road when she rounded a bend and found herself nose-to-grille with a bull moose. Unable to stop in time due to slippery road conditions, her vehicle struck the animal. The moose, with its legs cut from under it, tumbled over the hood and through the windshield. The animal, which was still alive when rescue crews arrived on the scene, was destroyed and the Jaws of Life were then used to extricate Mrs. Andjello.
Normally, a patient in this condition would be flown to Anchorage, but Mrs. Andjello's family requested specifically that she be flown to Juneau, despite the lack of facilities to deal with this sort of injury or for long-term care. "We really felt it would be better for her to be in Juneau," explained Mrs. Andjello's husband, Michael. "Here she will be able to effectively lobby for formal moose rights-of-way throughout Southcentral Alaska, not to mention better health care for moose. It is absolutely outrageous that they destroyed that poor animal without even making any attempt to save its life."
When questioned about his wife -- one of the most outspoken lobbyists against pollution and big business -- driving an SUV, Mr. Andjello hastened to note that the vehicle in question was, in fact, a Sport Utility Velocipede. "She would never drive a car that pollutes," he assured reporters.
RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL JET
By I. Conn Fused
(San Jose, CA) In one of insurance history's most spectacular twists, a Tupolev 204 that had been reported "accidentally filled with highly radioactive waste oil and high explosives, broken in half by a freak thunderstorm, and crashed into the La Brea tarpits" and for which a $60 million claim had been paid out, landed at San Francisco International with only a few minor dents and scratches. At the controls were the Bosses at Large of local charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation.
"We're holding out for salvage rights," stated Mr. Boss. "Finders, keepers."
"Is absolutely amazink," stated the director of Aeromatski Aircraft, Sergey Ostrozhinski, whose company owned the aircraft before its reported destruction. "Ve thinkink great Russian aircraft lost forever and poof! Now it back as good as newski! I thinkink PGA Bosses very great for hxeroic salvagink!"
Accompanying the PGA Bosses as they deplaned were PGA board member Luke Xcom and a bedraggled, unidentified person who bears some resemblence to the notorious Captain Chadza, who is sought for questioning by at least four government acronyms. However, upon questioning, the Bosses assured all present that, while this was in fact Captain Chadza, this was not in fact THAT Captain Chadza, and was in fact an entirely different Captain Chadza altogether.
"Come to think of it, they do look a little bit alike," mused the Boss. "But really, I don't see how you could mistake one for the other. At any rate, the Captain Chadza everyone is looking for is no longer with us. I heard he was eaten by wild kangaroos in Brisbane... or maybe he was a victim of that tragic sloth stampede in Wentworth. Either way, he's dead meat, guys. Give up and go home."
PGA GETS NEW HANGAR
By D. Link Ouent
(San Jose, CA) Local charter airline Pier Glass Aviation is apparently attempting to upgrade its image with the installation of a new hangar facility made by VBulletin.
"We're very pleased by our new hangar," the Boss stated. "I expect the pilots to spend even less time in it than they did the old one, in part because this one is so much easier to get in and out of."
The new hangar apparently was flown in by the Bosses in a Tupolev 204 recently salvaged from the La Brea tarpits, and assembled overnight. It is reported that the new hangar came at a high cost, and that the Bosses are offering personal email addresses at the very prestigous "pierglass.com" email addresses to anyone willing to help support the site by purchasing a purely voluntary subscription for $10 or more.