News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
November 1999 - January 2000
5 November 1999
New Missions Coming.... We Promise!
It's been a rough week around the PGA office, and no one has had any time for drumming up new business. We do hope to get some new missions put together this next week.
While we're on the subject, more than one pilot has made the observation that we often do not have enough missions in each category to allow pilots to earn a license upgrade without switching to the other region. We do apologize for this, but please understand that PGA was put together very quickly in the wake of the closure of its predecessor (BAC), and the emphasis was on getting the pilots in the air with whatever we could scrape together. If we're a bit sparse on missions, it's because we all have lives and can only do so much before our families start getting overly sarcastic.
PGA and "Other Sims"
There have been a lot of questions on this issue, and I want to clear this up for everyone. I'll put this in the Ops Manual, too. While PGA missions are based primarily on Flight Unlimited 2 and 3, we do allow the use of other simulators. After all, not everyone can afford or will want to upgrade to a system that will run FU3 (although most should be able to manage the now very inexpensive FU2). However, please understand we cannot provide specific support for every sim on the market, and we cannot guarantee that our references (airports, etc.) will be found easily (or at all) in your sim. If you have a problem finding a place, e-mail us we are glad to help out, but overall it is the individual pilot's responsibility to fit any other sim into our airline.
Top Pilots
This week's number one pilot is Jim "Out in Front" Poe (1012), with 9.69 hours to his credit. Number two is Charlie "Where's the Lake?" Wood (1063), with 9.1 hours. Thanks to both of you, we might make the rent on the hangar at Boeing this month!
Louis "Waaaay out in front" Leblond (1011) has the most total hours flown for PGA, with 48.25. Smokintodd (1004) is number two with 42.87 hours.
Promotions
Despite the fact that we lost the paperwork the first couple of times he asked, Chris Morgese (1010) has finally promoted to Private Pilot! Sorry for the inconvenience, Chris.
Stephen Bull (1041) has been promoted to Private Pilot.
Kai S. (1072) has been promoted to Student Pilot.
Chuck Kandler (1069) has been promoted to Student Pilot.
Andy Kay (1067) has been promoted to Student Pilot.
Congratulations everyone!
Business Booming for Friendly Fred
The new business on the airport at Boeing Field is Friendly Fred's Used Airplane Sales, and Friendly Fred is feeling mighty friendly towards PGA pilots these days! Several pilots have opted to convert their hard-earned cash into a hole in the sky into which they will throw more and more money as time goes on.
However, all aircraft owners should be aware that rumor has it (due to rising costs for the company) you may all become responsible for your own tie-down, hangar, maintenance, and insurance fees at some point. Hey, aircraft ownership is not all roses you know!
It is worth noting that the Renegade recently purchased by the Runway Surface Testing Department has suffered two engine failures since being flown off Fred's lot. Investigations continue into whether the engine failures were operator-related. Friendly Fred could not be reached for comment before press-time.
Pilot Reports
Peter "Radio Silence" Jensen (1048) lost another radio coming out of Reid-Hillview this week. The mechanics are baffled by the continuing problems and have suggested perhaps Jensen's magnetic personality is affecting the stack.
Rod "Hot Rod" Harris (1017) was offered a ride in an F15 after providing some Air Force types a smooth ride and nice touchdown. Harris is no fool, he's taking them up on the offer, everyone get ready to hear all about it every morning for the next several years at the coffeepot...
Andy "Stormy" Kay (1067) proves quick on the uptake, he has realized after only three flights that the life of a charter pilot is not all fun and smooth air. Imagine that!
After bouncing a landing in front of the Boss and everyone at Boeing Field earlier in the week, Fred "Navigator" Brubaker (1033) decided not to risk the Boss's further annoyance by delaying a parts shipment overnight, and promptly proceeded to get lost in the dicey weather between Bremerton and Port Angeles. You know, Fred, I get more annoyed when I can't find the plane and pilot....
Michael "Renegade" Richards (1003) hit some serious turbulence flying under and between a couple of clouds this week, someone should tell him that updrafts and wind shear under and near building thunderstorms tends to make things a bit rough.
Jim "Corkscrew" Poe (1012) bent the prop when he found he had less than optimal rudder control during a crosswind landing. He was last seen out back trying to hammer the prop back into some semblance of the correct shape.
New pilot Chuck "No-Go" Kandler (1069) made an almost unheard of decision not to take off in the face of an approaching thunderstorm. While mildly annoyed at the delay, the Boss applauds Kandler's decision not to continue flight into conditions beyond his skill level. However, all you high-time former BAC pilots should not get complacent and think that the Boss will be so understanding if you decide not to take off just because there's a little level 5 thunderstorm at the end of the runway....
14 November 1999
Late Payday
Payday was delayed for one reason and another this week, prompting such whining as has not been heard in this office since Captain Joel fired up his BeechJet in the hangar.
To shorten the complaint-response process, management offers the following list of reasons your paycheck was late:
* Waiting on payments from customers so we can meet payroll
* Ensuring FAA has been adequately bribed
* We've been day-trading and should have the money back any minute now
* Unexpected volatility in the gold market
* Smokintodd went to Vegas, you'll get paid when he gets back
* Payroll information is stored on eBay servers
Pick one that suits you and we don't want to hear any more about it.
Top Pilots
Top pilot this week was Lukexcom (1039) with 8.85 hours. Number two was Charlie Wood (1063) with 7.3 hours.
Overall, Louis Leblond (1011) still holds the top spot with 50.46 hours flown for PGA. Smokintodd (1004) is close behind with 48.41 hours.
Promotions
Ole-Jørgen Søberg (1049) has been promoted to Senior Captain
George Mohr (1061) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Matt "The Baron" Goldstream (1073) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Robert Davis (1074) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
No Credit Union
PGA apparently lacks the connections Fred "Shady" Brubaker had with BAC, as PGA's application to form a credit union has been denied by both state and federal officials. In fact, reactions from the various review committees ranged from mild chuckling to out-and-out hysterical laughter.
What this means for you is no, we will not be financing planes for you to buy through Friendly Fred. Sorry!
Pilot Reports
Corrie "Where's the Runway?" Rynberk (1032) was heard out by the coffeepot muttering something about how the Boss should try flying some of these missions herself "instead of polishing her nose, sorry, cowling!"
Unfortunately, he said this whilst the Boss was polishing the priming crank handle for her plane in the office with the door open. Fortunately, the Boss is a woman of reason and decided that it really wasn't worth the prison time (not to mention bending the priming crank handle on Corrie's hard head), even if she could credibly plea "not guilty by reason of mental defect" and do her time in a mental hospital. She doesn't need a vacation that badly. Yet.
However, everyone should be reminded that PGA pilots may be expected to fly in all sorts of weather under all sorts of conditions, and that a goodly chunk of our monthly budget goes to paying certain higher-ups in the FAA to look the other way. We don't fly "by the book," and we get the job done. If that means into Byron in the fog or Meadowlark Field in the dark, hey, if you're payin' we're flyin'!
For what it's worth, these missions have been flown and not just by the Boss.
In a fit of benevolence (and because she likes his wife), the Boss has agreed that the company will pick up Corrie's hospital bill.
(Seriously, did you think we'd leave you broken and bleeding on the runway? What kind of a boss do you think I am, anyway? I own stock in Piper, after all, and your attempts to land the Arrow in a crosswind have done wonders to increase shareholder value. Least I can do!)
On the other end of the spectrum, Rooney Q, a/k/a "Glacier Pilot" (1068) successfully landed the Trainer on Glacier Peak this week. Although the plane was not damaged, he has requested that the Runway Surface Testing Department have a look at the snowfields up there and check them for hardness.
Mr. Quinn, our insurance company's lawyer, glanced out his window the other day and phoned the Boss with the cryptic message: "That's not covered!"
The Boss was puzzled until Darby "Test Pilot" Willcox (1013) reported that he took it upon himself to check out the new Windhawk and see how it compares to the old Baron. He reports that, while it handles like a dream doing high speed spins, loops, and rolls, he heard "a kind of metallic groan...much like my back sounds when I clean leaves out of the guttering" while doing high speed spins and sharp pullups.
Dylan "Charmed Life" Cummins (1016), much to the annoyance of all, was heard bragging that at some point in the past (although certainly not recently), he's had flights where the passenger did not get sick, turbulence was not shocking, and he did not lose all the fuel from the right tank. Oh, sure. And we bet he's made landings in the Renegade with the engine still running, too. Tell us another one, Dylan.
Rip "R.I.P." (1042) made his first flight with the Arrow and learned that it lands a bit differently from the Trainer. A bit of gear damage and scratched the paint, but hey, he walked away!
Mrs Phelz left a message on the machine the other day, complaining about our having hired "roller coaster drivers" for pilots. Apparently Bill "Valet Parking?" Summers (1053) rolled sharply to the right on takeoff, and although he quickly corrected Mrs Phelz's delicate tummy was not so easily soothed. On landing, Summers was disoriented enough to get lost exiting the runway at Buchanan and the extremely important and (at least until now) regular client was obliged to walk quite a distance in the rain.
Now, given that Summers is supervised by Captain Joel, who is a known roller coaster addict AND our chief instructor over at the flight school, management is going to be keeping an eye on the Captain's pilots from here on out.
Stephen "Target" Bull dodged a bullet (literally) after busting 1000 ft on PPL7 got him lined up in the crosshairs of an F16 that scrambled out of Half Moon Bay (the military has taken over the old BAC hangar, it seems). Fortunately, Bull doesn't stop flying long enough to have so-called "real" meals and eats out of vending machines (let this be a lesson to the rest of you), so when the missle was fired he was able to scrabble around on the floor for enough chewing gum foil and foil crisp packets to work as chaff when tossed out the window. The missile was thus neatly diverted, the day was saved, and Mr. X got to where he was going.
Rod "Tee Hee" Harris (1017) has a fan club! Ever since he flew young misses Torvalds and Ellison over to Seattle for a shopping trip earlier this week, he has been receiving letters (with lots of pink hearts drawn on them) in the mail here at the office. Considering how rich those two are, this might not be a bad thing... except the girls are both 13 and used to getting what they want. Might want to watch out, Rod!
Timo "Yikes!" Nauman (1035) apparently encountered icing on an ILS approach to Boeing Field this week. He reports that his instruments did not appear to be working properly (VSI and airspeed indications were screwy), the engine wasn't working like it was supposed to, and he could not reach the 8000 ft ATC requested. Sounds like icing to us. Despite everything, he managed to pull it out and bring it in safely to Boeing Field. Excellent flying!
George "That New Guy" Mohr (1060) comes to us with a reputation, it seems. His nickname over at Billy-Bob Air was "Shakey." We'll be watching this one...
Jim "Red Baron" Poe (1012) flew the Fokker over to the airshow at Bremerton this week, and really impressed the crowds at the show with a barrel roll and a low-level inverted pass along the runway. Afterwards, he discovered that a taildragger (especially that one) is much easier to fly than to land, but got it down in one unbent piece.
Captain Blackadder (1020) wishes to have a party to celebrate that he has finished the entire run of Bay Area Private Pilot missions. He told Baldrick to get it going, management would like to offer a friendly reminder to all pilots what happened last time Baldrick put together a party.
20 November 1999
Maintenance Crisis
A shortage of duct tape has led to a serious crisis in the PGA maintenance hangars.
Since PGA opened its doors on 31 August, the demand for duct tape in the Bay and Seattle Areas has multiplied beyond belief. All suppliers on the entire west coast are sold out. "The demand is unprecedented," says Ham R. Nales, owner of the Loose Screw chain of hardware stores. "No one could have predicted the impact PGA flying had on duct tape sales."
Duct tape, also known as "100 mile-an-hour tape" (because it will start to peel off at about 100 mph) is the mainstay of the PGA maintenance and repair program. New shipments have been ordered, but it may be as much as three to four weeks before PGA takes delivery.
"We'll just have to make due for now," says PGA Supreme Boss, Shanya However-you-say-that. Hope you all like bubble-gum."
Top Pilots
Our top pilot this week is Jim Poe (1012) with 7.95 hours. Darby "What, no nickname?" Willcox (1013) is number 2 with 6.68 hours.
Louis Leblond (1011) remains on top overall, with 54.06 PGA hours to his credit. Smokintodd (1004) hangs in at number two with 48.41 hours.
Promotions
* Adalberto Bonecchi (1040) has been promoted to Captain
* Fred Brubaker (1033) has been promoted to ATP
* Andy Booth (1046) has been promoted to private pilot
* Kyle Schoolmaster (1055) has been promoted to private pilot
* Mark Blades (1077) has been promoted to student pilot
Congratulations, all of you!
Flight School Page Planned
By popular demand, PGA will be starting a formal flight school page. The page will include ground school lessons on the basics of flight, as well as more advanced lessons on navigation and other useful skills.
We're aiming for next week, but don't hold your breath, depends largely on if the servers in the Boss's other job remain functional throughout next week so she doesn't have to work 19 hour days like she did a couple of times this week.
Pilot Reports
Urs "ATC" Munger (1028) has offered to train everyone's favorite ditz at Sea-Tac Approach after she bounced him between 1000 ft and 7000 ft and ultimately vectored him to a near miss with a 777. Urs also believes concrete to be an unacceptably hard substance for runways, and has further requested that the Runway Surface Testing Department check the grass along the side of the runway at Diamond Point.
Mark "IFR Student?" Blades (1077) filed an IFR flight plan to get from Olympia to Tacoma Narrows when the ceiling was at 1000 ft and visibility 5 miles in rain. Unfortunately, he forgot he didn't have any approach plates with him in the Trainer, he did not have the ILS frequency, and he didn't even know which way the runways ran.
Just as the Boss was begining to despair of PGA's newest hire, he reported that he found the airport by getting under the 500 ft ceiling and buzzing the bridge, and then solved the problem entirely by landing on the grass within walking distance of the tower. We think Blades will go far as a PGA pilot.
Robert "Weatherman" Davis (1074) learned this week that "light rain" on the weather report means "thunderstorm" and "light snow" in the sky.
Polo "Escher" Villate (1023) was wishing he could have used the Pentium-III system he delivered to Barney this week to fly the mission. I'm not going to think too hard about how that one would work... it makes my head hurt.
Jim "Express Elevator" Poe (1012) was dodging thunderstorms when an updraft suddenly gave him a quick 5000-ft altitude increase. Management would like to point out the "miracle up" key is easier on the plane.
Shanya "Recreational Pilot" Dzhjonovna (1001) discovered the windsock was missing at Delta this week after coming through some moderate turbulence by Tassajara. A couple of low passes allowed her to sort out which way the wind was blowing, and she landed the Arrow with room to spare. When asked, she confirmed that yes, it was a slow news week.
28 November 1999
OAC Attepmts to Steal Trade Secret
The external passenger compartment technology was the apparent target of an OAC raid on PGA offices earlier this week.
The Boss left the office to go pick up more donuts for the hangar, and when she returned she found the file on the patent-pending external passenger compartments was missing.
Fortunately, however, the patent application and other paperwork on the compartments had been mis-filed and were located in with the maintenance logbooks for the Boss's DHC-2. It is not clear what OAC actually got with the file folder, although the Boss notes the paperwork on the new ice machine seems to be missing.
Missing Pilots
PGA Supervisor Bjørn O. Henjum (1044) reports that his pilots seem to have disappeared. Only one PIREP was received from Henjum's crew this week, and that one very early on. None of them have been seen or heard from since 17 November.
Rumor has it that Bjørn was having to crack down on pilots who were taking too many breaks and who weren't loading their planes full enough. In what we hope is totally unrelated news, there are twelve new mounds of dirt that appear suspiciously like shallow graves midfield between the runways.
Bjørn is looking for new pilots. If the rest of you don't behave yourselves, we'll reassign you to Bjørn.
Top Pilots
Top pilot this week is Lukexcom (1039) with 8.97 hours. Number two spot goes to Jim Poe (1012) with 8.09 hours.
Louis Leblond (1011) remains PGA's pilot with the most hours, having flown a total of 55.74 hours. Darby Willcox (1013) hangs in at number two with 52.44 hours total.
Great job all of you! Have an extra donut.
Promotions
* Louis Leblond (1011) has been promoted to ATP
* Urs Munger (1028) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Richard Branch (1030) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Rubens A C Filho (1076) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations, all of you!
Pilot Reports
Bjørn "Mayday" Henjum (1044) declared an emergency coming in to SeaTac this week with a wounded construction worker after barely making it out of Lake Cushman in low visibility. The worker is said to be in stable condition, and is expected to live. Great job, Bjørn!
Fred "Ladies' Man" Brubaker (1033) has to be different. Unlike any other pilot who has flown SCPL3, he reports the young ladies were well-behaved and polite! Either Fred has a way with them, or whoever flew them last scared them so badly they have reformed their ways.
Dick "Aaaa!" Lisboa (1027) reports that landing at Parret with clouds at 3000 ft is a tricky thing, and that "when you see the runway you're to low already..." We note Dick does not provide any details as to the quality of his landing at Parret that day, inviting a round of speculation at the coffeepot this afternoon.
Urs "Bounce bounce" Munger attempt to fly an ILS approach without using the autopilot resulted in an FAA investigation after he overflew some buildings and knocked the windsock out of kilter. The bounce on touchdown allowed him to log a total of four landings for this trip. Very efficient, and we're sure the student controllers appreciate this method of doing touch & goes.
Jim "Breathe!" Poe (1012) gave the Jubbleys (such lovely people) a nice ride around Mt. Rainier, and remembered to keep the altitude below 10,000 ft in his unpressurized plane so his passengers would be comfortable and not gasping for air. Back at Olympia, he got six go-arounds from the Tower, they must be training there again.
Corrie "007" Rynberk (1032) made the fast and low run up to Travis with Mr. X, only to be met by "a right lot of hostile, gun-toting warriors." An inspection of the plane has revealed no new bullet holes.
Mark " ! " Hsu (1057) lost his radio after being told to report right downwind at Boeing Field this week. He proceeded in to land on 31R, and it was later determined that the light gun in the Tower is still inoperative. Wish they'd get that fixed.
Rod "Structural Failure" Harris (1017) met a downdraft on the climb out from Bandera this week. Full throttle, 80 kts, nose up, and descending 500 fpm in the Renegade -- not a pretty picture! Quick thinking and a bank to the left got him out of trouble just in time. This wild ride was followed by a killer headwind all the way back that tossed the plane around and made it creak and groan. The mechanic is annoyed. We'll have to discuss the concept of "maneuvering speed" at some point in the future, I can tell.
03 December 1999
OAC Sabotage Attempt Thwarted
Radio transmissions regarding a covert OAC operation to sabotage PGA planes were intercepted by the PGARP earlier this week. Fortunately, the PGARP was able to neutralize the threat in short order, capturing the OAC operative known as "Platoon Leader" in the process.
"Platoon Leader" produced identification and insisted that he was, in fact, PGA pilot Lukexcom (1039). None of us believed it for a minute, of course, and in due course "Platoon Leader" politely gave back Luke's wallet, whereupon we let him go with a stern admonishment not to be seen near the PGA ramp again. Last we saw him, he was strolling cheerfully back towards the OAC hangars, having received nothing but the best treatment in our facility.
Everybody got that? Right. Now don't forget it.
No Body in the Hangar
No bodies, dead or otherwise, were found in the PGA hangar this week, nor were any bodies, dead or otherwise, carted out and dumped anywhere by any pilots. Where ever did you get that idea?
Top Pilots
Ole-Jørgen Søberg (1049) takes top honors this week with a total of 8.62 hours flown. Peter "I Demand a Recount" Fellowes (1002) came in number two with 8.6 hours flown after he managed a daring escape from the cellar.
Louis Leblond (1011) hangs in at number one for total hours flown with 60.78 hours to his credit. Jim Poe moves into the number two slot with 54.32 hours.
Excellent work, and better luck next week Peter.
Promotions
* Peter "Fugitive" Fellowes (1002) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Lukexcom (1039) has been promoted to commercial pilot
* Dick Lisboa (1027) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Baron von Fellowes (1051) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Max Hightower (1078) has been promoted to student pilot
Congratulations!
Bjørn's pilots STILL missing
Once again, Supervisor Bjørn Henjum (1042) received absolutely no PIREPs this week from any of his pilots.
Investigation into the 12 freshly turned mounds of dirt that were noted between the runways last week revealed that they are not shallow graves but instead are the distinctive marks left by the Runway Surface Testing Department during a demonstration of the sod runway "bounce" test in the specially modified RWSTD Baron.
In an unrelated incident, Henjum was reportedly seen picking up an unusually large order from the Bay Area Sausage & Meat Packing company early in the week.
Turnip Daquiris all the Rage... Literally
The Seattle Area has been swept with riots and general civil unrest since the introduction of a new mixed drink -- the turnip daquiri. Introduced by a bartender on a chartered PGA jet, the drink has Gen-Xers protesting the lack of restrictions on the free trade of turnips the world over.
Pilot Reports
Bjørn "Dream Flight" Henjum (1044) has taken to the skies himself this week, and endeavored to play taxi to a planeload of wealthy teenaged girls on their way to Boeing Field. It should be noted that, ever since the flight, Henjum has been walking around with a silly grin on his face and has requested that the external passenger cabins NOT be installed on his plane. Hmmm.....
Darby "What Flat Spot?" Willcox (1013) complains that there are no flat places to land up by Glacier Peak. He did manage to bring it in to a large depression on the southeast slope, but damaged both rudder and pitch controls, resulting in further damage to the conveniently PGA-owned Trainer upon landing back at Arlington.
Meanwhile, Jim "That Flat Spot" Poe (1012) found a fine landing spot on the east slope and landed OK. He had some difficulty maneuvering on the ground until he pulled the carb heat on, whereupon his rpms increased and he was able to complete the mission.
Lukexcom (1039) notes that every time he goes flying at night there seems to be a full moon, causing him to feel "a little hairy." He thinks it might be werewolf season, but we're thinking it's more likely his flying is a little hairy...
In an incident that may or may not be related to the OAC activities on the ramp this week, Bill "Narrator" Summers (1053) discovered during preflight that his plane had serious control problems, and so was obliged to overhaul and calibrate the joystick before taking off. Later that night, it was reported that Summers landed at SFO but had a close encounter with an airliner on the ground when he attempted to exit the runway. Continuing his attempt to clear the runway as quickly as possible, given that another plane of considerable dimensions was beating down on him on final approach and he was not about to trust ATC for a minute, he apparently became disoriented and executed a U turn back onto the runway, resulting in a go-around for the landing jet.
Carsten "Hitchcock" Luckmann (1018) was the subject of a kamikaze bird attack that resulted in "rapid fuel loss." He wisely had the tank repaired at South County before proceeding on his flight. You never know when those birds are going to strike again.
Fred "Pinocchio" Brubaker (1033) reports that the Boss's son was a perfect gentleman during a recent flight, having spent the entire time playing with his Pokemon. Sorry Fred, but the story doesn't hold up. Cameron doesn't own a Pokemon of any flavor, and his Gameboy and Pokemon game both got stolen on his last commercial flight to Seattle. Care to try that again? What's this grey sticky stuff on his jacket?
Jim "Splat!" Poe (1012)... um, dented a couple of planes getting through Lost River Canyon, and suggests other pilots might want to watch out for... er, "moderate" turbulence in that area.
13 December 1999
Wage and Hour Board Bribe Increases
PGA management announced this week that it has become necessary to increase the amount of the weekly bribes to the State Wage and Hour Boards in Washington and California. "It's just taking more and more to keep them looking the other way," says PGA Grand High Supreme Boss, Shanya Dzhjonovna. "Everyone will have to fly more hours if we want to avoid being prosecuted for things like late paychecks."
Top Pilots
In an obvious effort to increase his income, Bjørn "Where are my Pilots?" Henjum (1044) made top pilot this week with an amazing 12.83 hours. Number two slot goes to Lukexcom (1039) with 9.34 hours.
Overall, Louis Leblond (1011) is PGA's high-hours pilot with 62.47 hours, and Jim Poe (1012) hangs in at number two with 59.93 hours. Is it just a coincidence that these two are both supervised directly by the Boss herself?
Heresy in the Hangar!
Corrie "I Didn't Mean it!" Rynberk (1032) committed an act of heresy in the hangar this week by asking for comparisons of FU3 to "other" simulators. His hide will be on display in the Boss's office for the rest of this week, after which she might give it back to him.
Promotions
* James Arbanas (1015) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Rubens A C Filho (1076) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Morten Holmer-Jensen (1052) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Dustin Cochran (1080) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Matthew Preston (1082) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Where are Bjørn's pilots?
Supervisor Bjørn Henjum (1042) received only two PIREPs this week, one allegedly from another Norwegian and one from a new hire.
Investigation into the unusually large order from the Bay Area Sausage & Meat Packing Company early last week turned up that Bjørn had caught a moose eating his garden and so decided he would get his vegetables one way or the other.
Interestingly, a pilot report to Bjørn from Rune Lundquist, a/k/a Rooney Q (1068) was intercepted by management. Rooney Q reported picking up a body at San Diego disposing of it out to sea. It is suspected that perhaps a conspiracy has been entered into regarding the "missing" pilots. This theory is further supported by the following note discovered in Bjørn's logbook:
I dropped the body down on one of the huge US Navy blimps/zeppelins that some designer has made as a package for FU3. The blimps are stationed there permanently, and I still haven't heard about it on the news. I'd say it's a pretty safe place!
Pilot Reports
Dick "Has anybody seen my radio?" Lisboa (1027) "lost" his radio on a flight from San Jose to Sacramento this week, and put down at Spezia in a 15-kt crosswind to look for it in the grass next to the runway.
Chris "Bent, not Broke" Morgese (1010) mangled the prop during a landing in strong winds, and scared his passengers out of ever flying again, but pointed out that the plane was still in one piece after all that, so what's all the fuss about?
Matthew "Ladies, Please!" Preston (1082) expressed his belief that the Seattle Approach controllers are high-school interns, causing some speculation around the coffeepot over whether he is referring to their abilities or their looks or both. Consensus was the ladies at Sea-Tac Approach just like having him under their control.
Mark "Zig-Zag" Hsu (1057) was dodging turbulent clouds in the sunset like any good PGA pilot when he spotted an aircraft carrier in Dabob Bay. The Boss received a call complaining about Hsu's low-level passes over the carrier, and only barely managed to talk them out of shooting him down.
Evidence suggests that the Jubbleys earned a couple of "Mile High Club" pins in Bjørn "Don't Look Back" Henjum's (1044) Trainer this week. As they circled Mt Rainier at 14.500 feet, Bjørn was asked not to look back for a while and to turn up the music (they had brought their own CD - 'Bolero'). After the flight, the couple was unusually sweaty, and the oxygen levels in their tanks were considerably lower than might be expected for such a short flight.
Jim "Fuel Pump?" Poe (1012) discovered that some engines start better if you use the fuel pump.
The special black box voice recorder in Michael "What Black Box?" Richards' (1003) Runway Surface Testing Baron revealed the following conversation that took place sometime this last week:
I don't care if you want to or not Peter. You wana to be here when the boss comes back? Standing over a dead body with no reasonable explanation? I didn't think so. Now grab his feet and help me carry him out to the Baron.
Here, let's put him in the back with a blanket and pillow and this hat over his eyes. I will look like he's just sleeping if anybody asks us. Now let's fire this thing up and get the hell outa Dodge. I know were in San Jose it's just an old American saying don't worry about it. just get us out of here.
Oh now it looks like were going to get ramp checked, just let me do the talking. Hello sir, how are you this fine evening? No, I don't suppose it is very nice with all this wind, rain, fog and stuff. Where are we going? Oh, just out for a bit of bad weather practice, you know. Oh the guy in the back? Well you have found us out. Shut up Peter! Well you see that guy is from OAC and...Shut up Peter!. He's a top exec over there and needs to get to his home at Flying B Ranch. Of course he doesn't look very good he's dead...SHUT UP PETER!!...as I was saying. He's dead tired from a long hard day and I would really rather not wake him. Why is he using us? Well ya see all his OAC planes have been grounded for something or other and in the spirit of good will we volunteered to fly him home. You don't know about any OAC grounded aircraft? That's odd. Oh by the way have I given you your Christmas card yet? No? Well here you go, happy holidays! I'm glad you like the card. Yes I know but I don't think I was overly generous at all. Thank you and you have a fine evening too sir.
Ok, Peter taxi us out and get us in the air before anything else happens and make it quick I think I see the boss heading our way. Keep her low, with the lights off and turn off that damn radio will ya!
No, Were not going the Flying B but start out in that direction then veer off and land at Meadowlark Field. Well I have a couple of my brothers friends from his Hells Angeles days meeting us there.
It's ok Peter they are really quite harmless. My brother says they haven't killed anyone in years. So, Bruno I have that package we talked about in the back of the plane. You think you can help us out and get it delivered to the er...."Parts Department"? Oh yea, sorry, here's your Christmas card. It's all there you don't really have to count it. Oh well of course if you want to. Your partner doesn't say much doe's he? Rival gang cut it out did they? So what happened to the guy that did it. Really, meat grinder eh? Well thanks for helping me out here I really appreciate it and...No I was just trying to...Well then nice doing business with you and er....oh, just call him "Meat Cutter", ok., with you and Mr. Cutter. Ok, Peter, let's boogie. No I don't want to dance. Let's get outa here I will fly left seat now. No, I don't know what they are going to do with him er... it and I don't care. No, I don't think "Meat Cutter" or "Parts Department" means anything at all and besides, we were never here. Now let's make like ducks and get the flock outa here! Don't' worry about what it means, just take nap or something.
Now comes the fun part we turn on the lights and radio and declare an engine out and we get vectored right into Livermore with no waiting and we can be done with this. Oh when they ask us about the engine we just tell them that it was just one of those things. It really was out and we have no idea why it's working now. No I'm not at all concerned about the FAA it's the boss that has me worried! I have a feeling I will be back in the rafters and you will be in your cellar with a brand new lock on the door by this time tomorrow.
Because Richards' voice is the only one that appears on the tape, it is suspected that he was either delusional or purposely attempting to "set up" fellow PGA Director Peter "I'm Innocent!" Fellowes (1002). An investigation into the matter is proceeding.
21 December 1999
Captain Joel Heads South?
PGA Supervisor and Senior Captain Joel "Into Thin Air" Rogers (1006) was due to return from his other job on the East coast this last week. According to the FAA, he filed a flight plan and took off in his BeechJet right on schedule, allegedly heading for Seattle with the payroll for all of his pilots on board.
He was heading more towards Brazil when he disappeared from radar.
Not surprisingly, a massive search and retrieve effort is being planned by his pilots, who cannot be paid until he is found. Efforts are focusing on the Parque Temático Playcenter Theme Park at São Paulo, and particularly the "King Cobra" roller coaster. At last report, the King Cobra has not yet been completed, but it is suspected that somehow Joel got his hands on a ticket for the first ride and has gone early to stand in line and get ahead of the crowd.
PGA Party Redefines Airspace
In response to the news that PGA would be having one of it's famed hangar parties at San Jose, the FAA issued a notice to airmen imposing temporary flight restrictions within a ten-mile radius and up to 10,000 ft MSL over and around SJC. The FAA's decision has been widely criticized in the media, mostly on the basis that the restricted area was not large enough.
Normal operations were resumed at SJC one hour after it was confirmed that the last PGA pilot had passed out cold.
Top Pilots
This week's (oh, all right, so it's last week's by now) top pilot is Richard Branch (1030) with 6.54 hours. Number two slot goes to new pilot Mark Thould (1083) with 6.11 hours.
Overall, Louis Leblond (1011) hangs on to the number one slot with 64.45 PGA hours to his credit, with Jim Poe remaning a decided second with 59.93 hours.
Promotions
* Bjørn Henjum (1044) has been promoted to Captain
* Jorge Bastos (1084) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jonbiggles (1079) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Mark Thould (1083) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations, all of you!
New Pilots for Bjørn
Supervisor Bjørn "Bermuda Triangle" Henjum (1044) has begun a collection of new pilots to replace those that have gone missing, although management has not given up hope that the wayward pilots will return. So far, it is reported that the fledgling crew is working out well. Let's hope they last longer than the last set.
Pilot Reports
New hire Dustin "Pilot-in-Command" Cochran (1080) seems to be settling right in to his job with PGA. After a somewhat less lonely than usual midnight flight, Cochran decided to let one of his blonde passengers taxi to the FBO, whereupon she took it upon herself to modify the plane into a rare and expensive "clipped wing" Trainer. The regulars at the coffeepot would like to know, was she worth it?
Matthew "NOTAM" Preston (1082) found the cut-rate charts he downloaded off the LG site listed the wrong ILS frequency for Olympia, but quick thinking and the in-flight map saved the day. The controller was less than cooperative, however. After telling Preston to go around for traffic on the runway, the controller chose that time to take a break. A donut later, Preston was instructed to go around again, cleared number nine, cleared number two, told to go around, and finally landed after something apparently went wrong with Olympia's transmitter so he could no longer receive arbitrary and caprecious instructions. Welcome to PGA, Matthew, get used to the controllers treating you like that until we can get the funds up to pay them off again.
Jonbiggles (1081) has shown a penchant for buzzing bridges, which got the Boss a number of angry phone calls. Next time, we suggest you take the older Trainer with the 3-inch tail numbers.
All Seattle area pilots will be saddened to hear that Rubens A C "Mooo!" Filho (1076) hit the cow while landing in the dark at Bandera State, reducing large portions of our unofficial mascot out there to hamburger. On the bright side, she did taste pretty good there at the hangar party, didn't she?
Ryan "Ah-CHOO" Griffin-Stegink (1009) managed to get back in the air this week when a particularly nasty bout of the flu got him out of his other job. Some of you may know that Ryan (who is a big believer in redundancy) relies heavily on the "Cat Scan" attitude indicator as a backup system in the event of a multiple systems failure, and to that end always carries three cats with him in the plane. For those unfamiliar, the Cat Scan A/I is simple -- a cat always lands on its feet, so just watch the cat and keep its feet on the floor.
However, this flight one of the cats decided his lap was the best vantage point, whereupon Ryan sneezed all over the windscreen, a combination of factors that resulted in a very steep dive. The Wintons expressed curiosity over the Travis pyramid that suddenly became very visible in the windscreen, and Ryan's attempts at explaining were taken as a sign that he is one of those fanatics who believe we all live inside a giant SimCity game. The flight ended with a creative landing procedure involving final approach to runway 34 followed by touchdown halfway down runway 02.
The Wintons have requested that we not send Ryan to fly them again. Management has responded by issuing Ryan sunglasses and a false mustache.
26 December 1999
Boeing Hangar
The owner of the PGA hangar at Boeing Field has raised the rent again. As a result, management is looking at purchasing an FBO, hangars, and maintenance facility at Boeing Field in the very near future.
Tie-Down and Maintenance Fees
Within the next couple of weeks, PGA will no longer be picking up tie-down and hangar fees or regular maintenance fees for non-PGA owned planes. "It's killing us," says boss Shanya Dzhjonovna. "At first we thought we could do it like BAC did, but apparently BAC had connections that we do not."
The fees will be implemented within the next couple of weeks, and each aircraft owner will have the appropriate amounts automatically deducted from their accounts. When asked to comment, the pilots bold enough to be hanging around the coffeepot said nothing that was even remotely printable.
Top Pilots
This week's top pilot is Lukexcom (1039) with an astounding 10.9 hours flown this week. Normally, this would not be astounding, but consider that number two spot went to Dustin Cochran (1080) with a relatively paltry 5.94 hours.
Lukexcom (1039) also has moved into the number one overall spot with 71.71 total hours, while Louis Leblond (1011) slips down to number two with 66.8 hours.
Promotions
* Rod Harris (1017) has been promoted to ATP
* Dustin Cochran (1080) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations!
Financing Available?
One of the big questions being asked around the coffeepot and everywhere lately is whether financing is available for the purchase of planes or promotions. At present, the answer is generally "no", although a few (very few) exceptions have been made on a case-by-case basis.
However, PGA is looking at working a deal with a local financing agency that will allow pilots to borrow money at good interest rates with reasonable payback terms. Details remain to be worked out. We'll keep you posted.
Pilot Reports
Ryan "Prodigy" Griffin-Stegink (1009) is showing a remarkable talent for Runway Surface Testing -- so much so that management is recommending him for a position with the Runway Surface Testing Department. Ryan managed to detect overly hard runways at Napa, Blake Sky Park, and San Jose, using only a regular Trainer with gear he reinforced with 2x4s (at least after Napa...).
Ole-Jørgen Soberg (1049) enjoyed the full Bay Approach experience while flying the senators from Sacramento to San Jose, being sent around four times and getting vectored unbelievable distances from the airport before being brought back in. Rumor has it that the "lady" at Bay Approach is the daughter of the owner of Bay Area Fuel...
Matthew "Psycho" Preston (1082) has revealed that he likes to fly at peak hours with the aircraft density slider set at "full."
Rubens A C "Artist" Filho (1076) went to get the pictures of Mt. Rainier for PGA's new brochure. Turbulence rendered the shots unusable for PGA's purposes, but a charter client who happens to own a gallery spotted them and became very excited. You can see Filho's pictures at the Lopsided Art Gallery in downtown Seattle (near the Space Needle). The framed prints are selling for $295 apiece!
04 January 2000
PGA Boss Catches Y2K Bug
While PGA daily operations mostly were unaffected by the dreaded "Y2K Bug", PGA Boss Shanya Dzhjonovna was not. When she went in to her other job (the one with the lawyers), she found all of the computer systems suffering from the Y2K bug -- 13 of the 16 computers came up with 1900 instead of 2000, and required manual date changes in the BIOS to correct that problem.
In the course of handling this relatively minor issue, The Boss apparently did not take proper precautions and actually caught the Y2K Bug herself. She has spent much of the day feverish and bedridden, which (come to think of it) probably explains this article.
Top Pilots
Last week's top pilot was Lukexcom (1039) with an unprecidented 33.45 (that's thirty-three point four five, just so you know it's not a typo) hours. Now that's the way to fly, Luke! This is, of course, a record. Any of you out there care to beat it, that's fine by me, have at it.
Number two pilot last week was Rolo "Luke Flew HOW many?!" Mace (1038) with 14.07 hours.
Overall, this pushes Luke into first place with 105.16 hours to his credit since joining PGA, while Darby "Insufficient Bribe" Willcox (1013) pulls second slot with 64.53 hours.
Promotions
* Darby Willcox (1013) has been promoted to Sr. Captain ("Cat" I) (meeeow!)
* Ole-Jørgen Soberg (1049) has been promoted to Sr. Captain (Cat. I)
* Lukexcom (1039) has been promoted to ATP
* Ryan Griffin-Stegink (1009) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Rune Rodahl (1085) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Griffin-Stegink Lands Position with RWSTD
Ryan "Slam it Down" Griffin-Stegink (1009) has landed an apprentice position with the PGA Runway Surface Testing Department. According to RWSTD head honcho Michael "Nobody Lands it Harder" Richards (1003), "to be a RWST takes a lot of skill, patience, total lack of respect of your own personal safety, dedication, and a willingness to help your fellow airmen." While lacking a bit in the last category, Griffin-Stegink more than made up for that minor deficiency by far exceeding the requirements for total lack of respect for personal safety.
The position will not mean any extra money for Griffin-Stegink, only a hefty measure of extra harassment on future News pages and on the PGA forums.
Rumors Flying Over Insurance Job
Ever since a posting appeared on the PGA News page (classified section) for an Insurance Agent capable of oozing a trail of slime, rumors have been flying around the coffeepot in the PGA Hangar. First and foremost has been the question, does this mean we pay when we bend our planes? According to a source close to management, the answer is no, PGA has perfectly good insurance (procured at usurious rates, but that's another story) that will continue to cover bent planes, both PGA and non-PGA owned.
When pressed for details, the informant suddenly lapsed into a coma and died a few minutes later. The Y2K Bug is suspected, mostly by the Boss who thinks a coma sounds pretty good about now.
Pilot Reports
Urs "Someone Train Those Controllers" Münger (1028) had a total electrical failure while in IMC on radar vectors for the ILS San Jose. Fortunately, he had just made a position crosscheck and was able to set course for San Jose, descending below clouds for a visual approach without radio. As all PGA pilots know, the inept controllers have no clue how to use a light gun, so Münger continued his approach and, just before touchdown, discovered a 737 beginning its takeoff roll on the same runway. By keeping the plane just above stall at 20 meters AGL, he managed to keep it off until the airliner departed, avoided the worst of the wake turbulence, and landed on the remaining runway with about 30 meters to spare. Nice job!
A subsequent experience on vectors ILS to Santa Rosa that involved vectoring in the wrong direction, unannounced traffic on short final, and general idiocy left Münger with an even lower opinion of Bay Area ATC than he had before... which is getting pretty far down there! It will be interesting to see if Münger requests live ammo when he gets to where he may fly the Mustang.
After a long and tiring flight full of inept and inconsiderate controllers, Rune "Ouch!" Rodahl (1085) made a landing that degraded the P-III systems he was hauling into P-II systems. Glad there were no passengers on board... !
Ole-Jørgen "Bombardier" Søberg (1049) did a fine job launching former passengers from his Trainer over Bremerton, having apparently planned ahead for the procedure by leaving the seat out, taking the high-winged Trainer to begin with, and keeping the door open the whole flight (what, were these pax known troublemakers or what?). Er, a photographer got some great pictures, and everyone was... um, happy with the way things went.... hey, what IS this? What's that? They were skydivers? Oh! Why didn't someone tell me? That explains why everyone was happy then. Right. Next report.
Anthoney "Mud" Ballard (1086) became disoriented while coming in VFR to Diamond Point when he could not locate the runway in the dark. He circled down until he found the strip, whereupon he found he had overstressed his flaps, making the short field a real challenge with the fully-loaded plane. He landed safely, but then heeded the people picking up the supplies and attempted to taxi back down the hill to where they were waiting. In so doing, he damaged the nose gear and covered everyone in the area with mud when his prop hit a puddle. The people were nonetheless happy to see him. Odd bunch out there...
Rolo "What Was That Noise?" Mace (1038) discovered that it's still dark out at dawn and dented a Beaver on a beacon pole at Meadowlark. Fortunately, Beavers are particularly well suited to being put back together with 2x4s and duct tape.
Ryan "Customer Service" Griffin-Stegink (1009) reports the following experience with a planeload of passengers:
The passengers were a bit noisy. Wouldn't shutup about how "the landscape was so aliased and shimmering, and why didn't he switch to a higher resolution so we could see clearer?" I was quick to respond that "I only had a PII 300 with 64 MB of RAM and a V3 3000 and if I go higher than 640x480 around downtown San Francisco frame rates drop into the low teens."
"So what?" they shot back.
"You want me to crash the frickin airplane?" I responded.
"You can't fly at 10FPS?" they asked.
"You can't fly at all, so I wouldn't be talkin!" Oooo, I had them there. BURNT!
The rest of the flight was nice and quiet save for when the husband tried to light a cigarette.
"NO SMOKING IN PGA AIRCRAFT!" I told them.
"I thought this was a Cessna."
"Look, it is a Cessna, but it is owned by PGA, the people who were nice enough to send me all the way down there to pick you up! Now put out the cigarette!"
He refused.
I opened the window slightly. The cigarette went out. I opened the window even more, holding onto my charts and notepad. The cigarette was sucked out the window. Ooo! BURNT again, buster!
The Boss has received a number of complaints about Griffin-Stegink's attitude when dealing with passengers, and was seen gleefully chortling and planning to send him to deal with a number of chronically troublesome pax.