News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
February 2000 - April 2000
27 February 2000
Management Gone Missing
Earlier this week, Peter "Renegade" Fellowes (1002) made a break for his Arrow while Michael "Co-Conspirator" Richards (1003) kept the Boss distracted with news of a dent in her plane. The Boss spotted Fellowes as he was taking off, and immediately set off in pursuit, leaving Richards at the office to do the taxes.
However, in her haste, the Boss neglected to chain Richards to the desk, and so it was that Richards, who had developed a healthy suspicion about the whole business, slipped out shortly thereafter. When last seen, he was taking off in the RWSTD Baron, presumably in search of his missing partners.
None of the three have been seen since, although rumors have put one or more of them at Half Moon Bay, Rio Vista, South County, and even Seattle. Seems no one knows for sure where they are or when they will be back... or who is keeping things going while they're gone.
Top Pilots
Our top pilot is Karl Hammarling (1098) with 9.05 hours flown this week. Darby Willcox (1013) comes in second with 5.55 hours. Yep. It's been a slow week.
Overall, Lukexcom (1039) is still on top for total PGA time with 140.27 hours, and Darby (1013) continues creeping up on him with 118.37 PGA hours.
Promotions
* Michael Richards (1003) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. 1)
* Ryan Griffin - Stegink (1009) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Gareth Evans (1104) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Gregor Veble (1105) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Daniel Logan (1107) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Erratum
Last week, it was reported that Baron N3022H, owned by PGA pilot Polo Villate (1023), was damaged when an Air Plastique jet "blew" the transient parking area. We are happy to report that this was an error -- Villate's plane was safely tucked in the hangar at the time of the accident, and the damaged plane actually was Baron N2033H. We apologize for any inconvenience or distress this error may have caused Mr. Villate.
Baron N2033H is owned by one of the Vice-Presidents of OAC who could not be reached for comment.
Travis Air Force Base Hit by Cyber-Terrorist
In what has been called the latest and most vicious form of cyber-attack, an unidentified and unauthorized virtual 172 Trainer approached Travis Air Force Base under cover of night and executed a "touch-and-go" landing on Runway 3L. An observant Tower controller noticed the plane on the runway and trained a spotlight on it in an attempt to identify the craft, but apparently it's registration number was obscured and unreadable. The aircraft immediately departed the runway and took a collision course with the Tower, but banked away at the last moment to miss it by mere inches.
Several Blackhawk helicopters were in the air before the Trainer left the area, and one helicopter crew reported that, while it was able to head off the Trainer, the Trainer's pilot suddenly made a "hard diving bank" to the right and they lost sight of the aircraft as it appeared to go down in the hills south of Travis.
As a search was initiated, other helicopters were dispatched to surrounding airports in case the aircraft attempted a landing nearby. After several hours, the craft had not turned up at any field in the Bay Area, and it was assumed that the plane must have gone down. However, a search of the area the following morning turned up no wreckage, and it is assumed that the craft managed to execute an off-airport landing. Authorities have undertaken a full-scale, nationwide search for the pilot and the aircraft, and are offering a $500,000 reward for information leading to an arrest and conviction.
It is not known at this time if the incident was related to the rumored disappearance of all of the Project Bluebook files stored at Travis Air Force Base.
In separate statements to the press earlier today, Attorney General Janet Reno swore to "do whatever it takes to bring this cyber-terrorist to justice," and President Clinton urged Congress to pass H.B. 1011 that would make it a federal felony to buzz virtual military facilities.
Loan Manager Resigns
Citing the usual excuse of "real life," Dustin "Easy Money" Cochran (1080) has resigned his position with Peachtree Loan Associates. We thank Dustin for his efforts put in on behalf of the financing company, and wish him well as he continues in his roll as a regular PGA pilot. The main Peachtree office will continue collecting on loans already disbursed, so existing loans will not be affected. Sorry! You're not getting off that easy.
Competition in the Seattle Area
After months of PGA's being the only game in town, a new Flight Unlimited III-based Virtual Airline opened for business in Seattle earlier this week. The VA is called "Euro-Wings" and is run by a German conglomerate... which means it's practically a prerequisite that all of the pilots speak or at least understand German with a reasonable degree of facility. Nonetheless, PGA wishes the new company all the best.
New Special Edition PGA Mooney Available
On the heels of his success with FLITE (a utility that enables you to view and edit the appearance of AI planes) Gideon Pertzov of the Flight Unlimited Research and Development Page has succeeded in his quest to uncover the .RES files that govern the appearance of the planes we fly. As one of his first experiments, Gideon developed a special edition PGA Mooney that currently is available as about a 5.5MB download if you have the time and throughput. The file may be downloaded from the PGA Downloads page.
Gideon is working on a utility that will allow anyone to extract and edit the .RES file information, which means pilots soon will be able to paint their own planes. PGA intends to use this tool to develop its own fleet that will be made available for download.
If they were here, we're sure PGA management would thank Gideon for his efforts.
Pilot Reports
Gareth "Wrong Way" Evans (1104) took a little longer to get where he was going this week when he left Apex Air Park for Swanson with some rare books and flew the reciprocal to his intended heading for 10 minutes before realizing something was amiss. Meanwhile, the lady from whom he'd picked up the rare books panicked when she saw him going exactly the opposite direction from where she new he should, and she called the police, the FAA, the Boss, her mother, Ms. Witherwood, and anyone else she could think of to report that he was stealing the books. Despite the Boss's assurance he would never do that, armed officers were dispatched to all airports within range.
Fortunately, when the lady saw him fly overhead going the other way a few minutes later, she had the good sense to call off the manhunt and so he never knew how close he came to being shot and arrested on landing until just now.
Gregor "Lucky" Veble (1105) reports that he has lost his lucky charm in the 172 Trainer, and has requested that the other pilots keep an eye out for it. He says it's small and furry, but should not be mistaken for the dust bunnies behind the front seats. Anything that is not a dust bunny but that otherwise vaguely resembles this description should be turned in to the office so we can pass it on to Veble and see if it's his lucky charm. We have to wonder if he realizes how often it is PGA pilots eat in their planes and how often it is the remains get tossed into the back, and how quickly those same remains become fuzzy....
The FAA was burning up the phone lines again this week after Captain "The Customer is Always Right" Blackadder (1020) took a load of photographers for a little fly-by-around-and-under sort of jaunt about Golden Gate Bridge in the Baron. Unfortunately, this time the Boss is not around to deal with the FAA, and Baldrick has been answering the phones. Here's hoping they don't throw away the key, Blackadder!
Sergey "Ski Pilot" Ostrozhinsky (1093) discovered that perhaps it is not such a good idea to jump into a plane just fresh from a ski trip. He found the joystick to be too much like the handle of a ski pole, and some of the habits developed on the slopes of Tatras came back to haunt him as he came in to land at San Jose. He pulled the stick back too hard so the aircraft leaped back into the air, and then he made a slalom-like run around taxiway signs before skidding to a stop on the taxiway. It would have been a perfect stop had he been on skis. As it was, he said the shrimp he was hauling "almost" didn't spill.
Ryan "It's Possessed!" Griffin - Stegink (1009) must have been glad he wasn't flying his own airplane earlier this week when he came in to land at Byron. He claims the PGA Mooney he was flying hates Byron so much that it squealed the gear on landing, then proceeded to viciously attack a taxiway sign by veering into it at 50 kts. He has requested that PGA hire an exorcist to deal with the plane, but he'll have to wait until the Boss comes back, as we can't find any category in the budget for that.
Eric "Miracle" DeBordeaux (1075) says it's only a slight exaggeration to say it's a miracle when he manages to make a good landing. We just wish he hadn't said it in earshot of our insurance adjuster! But considering that the definition of a "good landing" is one you can walk away from, we have to wonder what kind of landings he's making that he can't at least limp away from his computer afterwards....
Mark "Nope, That's Not It" Blades (1077) made an unscheduled touch-and-go at Shady Acres after he became slightly disoriented on the way to Coupeville Nolf. We assume he thought Shady Acres was Coupeville Nolf, but caught his error just as he touched down and so gave it the guns and climbed away. His passengers didn't seem to notice at the time, but one of them called in later to thank him for not stopping as he saw his ex-wife at the edge of the runway.
Karl "Short Prop" Hammarling (1098) was plowing his way through what he assumed were strong headwinds when his progress was further impeded as the fan cut out. He managed a bouncy but OK landing in a field just shy of Apex Air Park and discovered that perhaps the real reason his progress was so slow might have been a 50% shortage of propeller blades. He's looking for a lift back to base, if anyone is up that way.
Rumor Control has it that the Boss herself was seen making a low-level run out San Francisco Bay in the Beaver. Witnesses (who later could not be located) said she was seen to dive down from about 500 ft to duck under the Bay Bridge, skimmed along just above the water to go under the Golden Gate Bridge, then executed a wingover at low altitude to turn around and duck back under the Golden Gate before disappearing in the direction of Gnoss.
Dave "I'm Just the Pilot" Spurlock (1094) flew his own Trainer to pick up Mrs. and Miss Hooversnelz from their private strip just south of Livermore this week. After they kept him waiting for 45 minutes (which time he spent polishing his plane, and a good thing too), he did an admirable job of supressing his reaction to the appearance of Miss Hooversnelz. In his own words:
The Miss half of the pair was about 16 or 17. Her hair was dyed a multiple of colors, none of it natural on any creature on this planet, and spiked. Garish makeup effectively covered her features making it impossible to tell whether she was attractive or not. Her tight leather clothing, however, showed a maturing body that was well on its way to being a man-killer. She had a metal stud piercing her nose, something through her lower lip and several smaller rivets going all around both ear lobes. I am sure she was pierced through the tongue and other spots of her body that I couldn't see. She was chewing gum with an open mouth and nodding her head to the beat of some sound piped through her CD player and the earphones pushed snuggly into her ears.
Mrs. Hooversnelz was her usual self, and Spurlock showed remarkable restraint when she sniffed and suggested that his plane was not a "real" plane because it didn't have "two spinning things," which her husband has told her is safer than only having one spinning thing. Dave tried to lighten the situation by telling her "They are called propellers and that's okay, I'm a real pilot. That's the equivalent of three spinning things."
Unfortunately for him, she sniffed again and glared at him. "I know what they are called, young man. I wasn't certain you did however; being a real pilot and all."
Spurlock swallowed his foot and proceeded to take the pair on to Oakland where he received the unheard-of straight-in approach. Nothing but first class treatment for the Hooversnelzs. We'll look forward to when he has to bring them home again.
6 March 2000
Captain Bazza Shows PGA Pilots Home
PGA pilots with FU3 can finally go home.
The notorious Captan Bazza is (and has been) hard at work in the top secret 3-D model mines located deep in the dark underworld of the planet, slaving away, getting up 12 hours before he goes to bed each night so he can work 36-hour days ten-and-a-half days a week without any breaks, toiling endlessly to create the PGA Hangar and FBO from nothing more than little ones and zeroes painstakingly strung together with fingers that have been worked right down to the bone.
Yes it's true, Captain Bazza has made us a hangar and an FBO for the Seattle area, and soon will be providing facilities and other add-ons for the Bay Area as well. For a preview of what is available and what is to come, check out Captain Bazza's Models for Pier Glass Aviation. To download the Seattle Hangar and other items as they become available, check out PGA's Downloads page.
Yes, that's really what the SJC FBO looks like... don't you all recognize Darby's cat poking her little head out the door there on the right? Nice kitty... And certainly you all will recognize the Hangar. Taxi on in, feels just like home doesn't it?
Please note that the models for Seattle cannot be used in the Bay Area and vice-verse, as the colour palletes are different and the models will not appear correctly.
New Cat Feeding Policy
In light of the recent increase in the cost of kitty food, Darby's cat now will be fed strictly on a special diet of lazy, doughnut-fed pilots found in the Hangar.
Top Pilots
Lukexcom takes number one spot this week with 17.67 hours. Robert Hawks (1050) pulls in number two with 16.12 hours.
Overall, Luke remains way out front with a total of 157.94 hours, and Darby is in second spot with 118.37 PGA hours.
Promotions
* Friendly Fred Brubaker (1033) has been promoted to Senior Captain
* Brett Lynes (1036) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* GG (1047) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Management Still Missing
PGA pilots were loafing about the Hangar this week and stuffing themselves with extrordinarily stale doughnuts softened slightly in drain-oil coffee when suddenly no one thought to wonder why it was the doughnuts were so extrordinarily stale and where Luke had got off to. This in turn absolutely failed to lead to an intense discussion of where the Boss could be, much less a pondering as to the fates of the other members of PGA management. Almost no one bothered looking and, as a result, startling discoveries were not made by most pilots.
The Boss did manage to call in once and inform whomever it was that picked up the phone that she and Peter have been kidnapped and are being held by a used airplane parts dealer. This absolutely and utterly failed to galvanize the remaining PGA crew into any sort of immediate and heroic search efforts.
When the Boss gets back (and you can be sure she will find a way), we recommend that you best be found anywhere but in the Hangar.
NTSB Starts New "Bovine Incident Section"
The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) this week announced that, in response to a recent rash of aircraft - cow incursions in the Seattle area, it has started up a special section to investigate and develop recommendations to the FAA on the matter. The NTSB kicked off its new section with a celebratory barbeque at Bandera State.
Cyber-Terrorists Attack PGA
It seems that the mythical PGA mainframe computer has been the target of numerous attacks over the past several days, causing the system to initiate an absolutely ineffectual takeover of the airline, have a case of beer to be delivered to each PGA pilot (there may be a connection between those two), change its own password in an attempt to stop any further beer delivery requests (mutiny may begin any time now), and hum "Daisy, Daisy" under its electrical whir all the time.
Congress has funded a special Task Force to investigate the matter, and U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno has sworn to bring the so-called "hackers" to justice. So far, the Seattle FBO is surrounded by a "peaceful force" of ATF agents who are demanding that the computer throw out any weapons it has and come out with its hands behind its head.
Pilot Reports
Bjørn "Where Did THAT Come From?!" Henjum (1044) suggests that the approach to Ranger Creek is perhaps a bit hazardous in anything but the best of weather. The moment after "Short Notice Sandra" at Seattle Approach told him that the airport was at his 10 o'clock, 4 miles, he noticed a mountain had somehow dislodged itself from the earth and was coming right at him in the fog. He yanked the yoke and the throttle both all the way back and managed a "not-too-controlled" left turn to dodge the higher bits of the unusually mobile behemoth, slipping (or was it skidding?) just barely over the top of a ridge at 60 kts. On the other side, he found it advisable to take up breathing again, and noticed that Sea-Tac approach was nagging him because he hadn't confirmed the frequency change. The office got a call from Sea-Tac Approach about his tardy response, but the Boss wasn't in to take it.
Lars "Economizer" Boehme suggested that he might be able to use the Stemme for some missions and therefore save fuel. We applaud this decision, and a new policy shall be proposed to the Board of Directors that pilots be required to fly the Stemme as often as possible and keep the engine shut down except when taking off.
Brett "Welcome to the Club" Lynes was coming in with a crosswind, lost his balance, and tipped the Trainer over onto its right wing on landing. Fortunately, there was a fresh roll of duct tape in his plane, and after some of the boys from LG helped set him back upright he patched up the lightly cracked wingtip in true PGA fashion and continued on his merry way.
Later on, Lynes discovered that R&K Skyranch breeds that special sort of bovine that thrives on the sparse vegetation found on remote runways... at least until drilled and grilled by landing PGA pilots. While Lynes managed to avoid killing the cow this time, this experience should answer any questions he may have had about why we have so many barbeques at Boeing Field.
Captain "Hush Hush" Blackadder was doing a bit of freelancing last week, picking up some Greenpeace chaps in the Beaver and taking them around to check the water quality in various reservoirs around the Bay Area while avoiding a helicopter full of local authorities. Unfortunately, just as he took off from Crystal Spre Reservoir, the engine made a funny sound, the oil pressure dropped, and the engine made a deafening silence.
Despite the Greenpeacers' assurances that no fines would be faced, there is a rather official-looking notice for the Boss on her desk from the Bay Area Municipal Water District....
Daniel "The New Guy" Logan (1107) has been keeping himself busy flying missions, and already has experienced the patented PGA radio failure. There's a lot more to come, Daniel, don't worry. The only way to go from here is up... until your engine quits.
Ole-Jorgen "Jet Pilot" Soberg (1049) was out in his new jet this week when he suffered an engine failure and looked out to discover flames pouring from the left engine. Fortunately, the built-in fire extinguisher made short work of the problem and after a while he found he was able to start the engine again. Amazingly, mechanics could find no damage to the engine afterwards.
A couple of flights later, he was on his way to LAX when his weather radar lit up like the northern lights on a cold and clear winter night. Flying into one of the big clouds he lost not just one but both engines! Fortunately, a quick search under each wing revealed their respective locations and he was able to restart them without difficulty. He wonders why he never had these problems flying the PGA jet.
Jeroen "You WHAT?!" van Engelenhoven (1101) neglected Diane's advice and flew on up to Port Angeles at night in lousy weather. He made it all right, but when he woke up the next morning after a night in the PGA hotel (his plane), he discovered he could not take off from the airport for some reason. So he had his plane trucked over to Sequim where he apparently could take off. Wait'll the Boss sees that bill...
Seems the FAA is looking for van Engelenhoven, however, as he apparently felt it necessary to attepmt a flight under the nice little flags on a rope right above the swimming pool on a cruise ship. He made the run twice, but had to pull up each time and so didn't make it. A couple of passengers on the ship were a bit upset over the business however. Seems the company will have to issue van Engelenhoven one of the older Trainers with the 6-inch registration numbers...
Gregor "Death Grip" Veble (1105) took the Trainer through some light turbulence and found himself wishing it only had half as much wing as the light plane was tossed all over the sky. Veteran pilots suggest Veble be careful what he wishes for.
Sergey "Just Asking" Ostrozhinsky (1093) came stumbling into the Hangar the other day and asked if it is true that under the really biiig clouds there can be turbulence that will tear the wings off of an airplane, and if so why would Bay Approach direct him underneath such a biiig cloud? This, of course, raised a lot of eyebrows around the coffeepot, but nobody has asked. Question is, will the Boss notice we're short a Mooney when she gets back?
Ryan "AAAAAA!" Griffin - Stegink (1009) claims to have stopped the Mooney in 600 ft at Meadowlark. An inspection of his plane reveals no evidence of a gear-up landing, however. Then again, he wasn't flying HIS plane at the time... could it be TWO Mooneys are missing from the PGA stable?
Griffin - Stegink earned his nickname from his passengers this week on landing at Oakland when his joystick went "wacko" and his rudder got stuck all the way to the right. Full left rudder trim managed to get him somewhat straightened out, but he couldn't land on the assigned runway and the Hooversnelzs were treated to the rare sight of a 737 heading straight for them on its takeoff roll. Fortunately, Griffin - Stegink got the plane off the runway and mowing the grass in the nick of time.
12 March 2000
Management Returns... Well, Most of it Anyway
After a prolonged and ill-understood absence from the PGA Hangar, the Boss has returned to her accustomed place in the PGA main office. Michael was seen stumbling in sometime shortly thereafter, but Peter has yet to put in an appearance. When last seen, he was departing Half Moon Bay for San Jose in his Arrow. He hasn't been seen since. Although as many blows to the head as he received last week, maybe we shouldn't be surprised?
Oh, by the way, Michael, Dave, Ryan, and Luke -- the Boss received a check this morning from Michael's last pax with instructions to distribute the funds equally among all who were there at the very end. So each of you will have a fairly healthy cash infusion this week -- $10,000 apiece, in fact. Your reward for helping to rescue the Boss and Peter.
Top Pilots
The number one slot this week goes to Gareth Evans (1104) with 9.44 hours. Number two slot goes to Urban Potocnik (1034) with 6.99 hours.
Overall, it's the usual suspects, with Lukexcom (1039) in first place with 157.94 hours, and Darby Willcox (1013) in second with 120.41.
Promotions
* Daniel Logan (1107) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Joern Gehring (1056) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Ron Boylan (1062) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Martin Scherrer (1063) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jim Nichols (1064) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Adam Wilmer (1102) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
PGA Pilot Sought by Feds
A Congressional committee that was convened last week to investigate the strange "cyber-attacks" on the illusory PGA mainframe computer has joined forces with the task force investigating recent events at Travis AFB after a nameless file clerk speculated wildly that the two events might be related.
In a press conference held shortly after the announcement, U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno, who is heading up the combined task force, stated that a suspect has already been identified and is wanted for questioning. While she was unable to provide a name at this time, intern-al sources close to President Clinton say that the prime suspect is a PGA pilot known by the handle "Lukexcom."
This reporter tracked down associates known to associate with this so-called "Lukexcom," and found them to be less than surprised. One such associate, on condition of anonymity, commented that "Luke is a real pyro, and is kind of malicious at times…I can see why the government is suspicious of him." When asked whether Luke would be likely to surrender peacefully, this same source went on to say, "I doubt if he knows yet or cares that he's being hunted by ATF agents. He'll know when he sees a bunch of black helicopters chasing him, though. Then I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to outrun them, or shoot them down."
PGA Grand-High Supreme Boss Shanya Dzhjonovna's only comment on the matter was "Mainframe? What mainframe? I have a PII-400, no mainframe."
Ryan Griffin - Stegink contributed to this article
Missing Mooneys
The Boss has noticed two Mooneys seem to be missing from inventory... anyone know anything about this? What is it about airplanes that start with "M" anyway? First a Mustang, and now two Mooneys...
Ruckus in Castro District
Two men, identified as Vincent LaGoda and Bruno Uhjustbruno, were picked up on Castro Street in San Francisco earlier this week for public nudity and disturbing the peace. Both parties claim they do not know how they came to be there, and that the last thing they remember before waking up nude and shorn in the middle of the street during rush hour was being at Half Moon Bay with a bunch of PGA pilots.
The San Francisco police are looking (but not very hard) for anyone with information on the matter.
Pilot Reports
Newly-rated Private Pilot Daniel "Bent, Not Broken" Logan (1007) stepped up into the Arrow last week, and expressed that it was nice to be able to fly a little faster for a change. Witnesses to the end of his first trip in the Arrow state that it is probably as well that the Boss hasn't seen him land it yet or he'd be doomed to a few hundred touch & goes at Livermore.
Gareth "Belly-Up" Evans (1104) has joined the ranks of those who have repainted the hull of a Renegade! Evans was making a routine landing at Bumping Lake when the shore mysteriously appeared beneath the hull of his plane. Evans claims to have been puzzled by this situation, as he thought Bumping lake was longer than that.
Meanwhile, Rubens A C "Where's the Shore?" Filho (1076) was feeling a bit less optimistic about the length of Bumping Lake as he departed one evening, spending several long seconds sweating out the fact that he couldn't see where the water ended and the shore began.
Funny how it is that lakes and runways always seem longer in the daylight and shorter at night....
G "Radio Silence" G (1047) lost a radio halfway through a flight, and comments on how much quieter it is that way. We're glad he feels comfortable flying when it's quiet, as we just picked up a whole new batch of former BAC radios at a close-out sale over at LaGoda's Parts Palace.
Andy "Details?" Booth (1046) came wobbling into the hangar, poured a cup of coffee, and then added a liberal dose of the paint thinner kept behind the toolbox in the corner. After a long swig, some of the color returned to his face, but all he would say was "Tough landing At Bonny Doon!"
Ron "Where Is That Mechanic?" Boylan (1062) found his flaps to be non-functional on the approach into Bremerton. Shortly after arriving back at Boeing Field, Boylan was seen heading determinedly for the maintenance hangar... however, as soon as he saw who was on duty, he made a quick about-face, apparently having decided to wait until he could take up the matter with someone a little smaller.
Eric "Now You See It..." DeBordeaux (1075) made his first flight over Seattle and discovered that there seemed to be something wrong with his Ray Bans as islands appeared and disappeared while he was flying. Has anyone warned him about buying sunglasses from that vendor over at Area 51?
As if that weren't enough, DeBordeaux followed up by taking off out of Olympia for Tacoma Narrows, and flying about 12 minutes before he realized he was taking the long way around... as in the reeeeeallly long way around. Fortunately, he made some quick calculations, realized his fuel would not hold out for an around-the-globe trip, and turned around well before the situation got critical.
Mark "Built-In ILS" Blades (1077) found blue skies at 15000 ft on a trip to Kachess Lake with low ceilings this week, whereupon he napped while autopilot took him to the general area. When he awoke, he got his one and only clear view of his destination from two miles and 10000 ft. While descending, the clouds (of course) rolled in to where he reports he couldn't see his hand in front of his face, so when he guessed he was over water he went ahead and cut the engine and made a steep descent in hopes of avoiding the cumulus granitus clouds known to lurk in the area. Fortunately, it was a good guess and he landed without incident (although some would call a blind-faith descent into mountainous terrain an "incident" in and of itself).
But the fun wasn't over. In a further expression of that blind faith for which PGA pilots are becoming so well known, he took off again in the same zero-zero visibility. After a tight climbing turn to 6000 ft over the lake (good thing there wasn't much wind), he switched back to autopilot and went back to his nap until SeaTac where he sneaked in "VFR" (Visibility Friggin' Rotten) through the soup to under the 500 ft ceiling. There, he discovered that ATIS had lied and there was a strong crosswind. Nonetheless, he got it down without so much as bending the gear.
19 March 2000
Fellowes Returns
Late last week, theretofore missing Board member Peter "Why Land Just Once?" Fellowes (1002) bounced in for four landings in one at San Jose. His previously pristine (if dirty) Arrow was running poorly, belching smoke, had scratched up paint, dents and dings everywhere, half an aileron missing, rudder bent, and he let the gear down using the emergency backup system. He might have radioed an emergency, but his radio didn't function.
The Boss had her attention called to his landing by one Captain Darling, and met Fellowes (who looked quite a lot worse for wear) at his plane. Shortly thereafter, Fellowes was seen departing towards Livermore where he was to practice touch & goes "until he gets it right" according to the Boss.
Reports have it that the Arrow managed to make its way up to Livermore and get through three circuits, bouncing multiple times and leaving pieces of airplane behind on the runway each time. Then, when Fellowes set up on the approach for the fourth touch & go, the Tower went for the light gun and gave him a flashing red signal, indicating "do not land, airport unsafe."
A follow-up investigation revealed that it was not the airport the LVK controllers were indicating was unsafe -- it was Fellowes' Arrow. They refused to let him land on the basis that further landings of that sort in that plane would render the airport unsafe.
Fellowes returned to San Jose where he has again been locked in the cellar and tasked with a tremendous and onerous project.
Top Pilots
The number one slot this week goes to Robert Hawks (1050) with 10.40 hours. Number two spot goes to Karl Hammarling (1098) with 6.34 hours.
Overall, it's the usual suspects, with Lukexcom (1039) in first place with 163.91 hours, and Darby Willcox (1013) in second with 125.93.
Promotions
* Dave Spurlock (1094) has been promoted to ATP
* Chris Morgese (1010) has been promoted to ATP
* Andy Booth (1046) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Mark Thould (1083) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Dirk Nugel (1029) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations!
Mooney Munched
Darby "Why Me?!" Willcox (1013) had his Mooney lightly bent this week when an unidentified person (who probably is lying low, and wisely so) attempted to close the hangar and clipped the tail of the Mooney with the door. Fortunately, damage was minimal and estimated at under $1000.
Meanwhile, a full-scale search has been launched to find the responsible party, whereupon Darby's cat will get a bit of a treat.
Missing Planes
Breaking the theory about planes with an "M", a Beaver seems to have come up missing as well. That makes a Mustang, two Mooneys, and a Beaver. What's going on around here?
Rumors of more planes for RWSTD
Rumor Control has it that the Runway Surface Testing Department is in the market for an Arrow to add to its already impressive fleet of a Baron and a Renegade. "I think the RWSTD should have one of every type of plane eventually to check runways under all different conditions," RWSTD Grand High Poobah Michael "Hey! You Didn't Say This Was Being Recorded!" Richards (1003) was heard to say in a private conversation earlier this week. We think he's just greedy.
Patent Pending on Revolutionary Doughnut-Saving Draft-Blocker
Brett "It's Drafty in Here!" Lynes (1036) has applied for a patent on the "DoorSnake," a draft-blocking device made specially for protecting doughnuts kept in hangars from drafts. While we know the device is made of snake (specifically, boa constrictor), Lynes is not giving up his secret process for making a 6-ft snake stretch the full length of a hangar door.
Boss Has birthday - No Arrests
PGA pilots all gave the Boss a very special gift for her birthday last week, in that she got a single solid night's sleep uninterrupted by calls for bail money or complaints about approach control.
The Boss had ordered the fuel tanker filled at the brewery in preparation for a party, but the party scheme got cut short when the tanker came up mysteriously empty.
Incidentally, no OAC planes were flying the next day. Something about fuel contamination was mentioned, but for the most part the OAC crew is not talking.
Pilot Reports
Adam "Get Used to It" Wilmer (1102) complains that ATC caused his flight to take a lot longer than it should have by making him "fly about a lot" before letting him intercept the localiser. This would be the cue for veteran PGA pilots to nod knowingly.
Gareth "Engine Out" Evans (1104) suffered an engine failure east of Alameda that caused him to set down on a highway. The plane was transported to Alameda NAS where it was quickly repaired by one of PGA's finest mechanics. Evans set off again for Moffet with fingers crossed, and sure enough the engine stopped again, only this time at 5000 ft with cloud bases at about 1000 ft. A blind descent through the clouds later, he used his remaining 800 ft AGL to set up what we assume was a reasonably successful emergency landing.
Gregor "Short & Narrow" Veble (1105) would like to speak with the PGA pilot woh ticked off the controller at Paine Field (which is located in Everett, WA) so that he got assigned runway 16L when he went in there last week. He says the 3,000' x 75' runway is the smallest and narrowest he's landed on in his (short) PGA career. Well, Gregor, we'd like to welcome you to PGA, where all the pilots are known for their short-field prowess. Just you wait until you get to Ranger Creek (2,870' x 30').
Sergey "Moskowite" Ostrozhinsky (1093) made the infamous flight into Moskowite in the dark. To up the ante, he's got a faulty 3-D card in his plane and so his landing lights don't work very well. Furthermore, the weather forecasters were wrong wrong wrong and he had the added joy of low overcast and rain all the way. However, when he got to the area, he says he found a runway placed on a field so he can land any direction... At any rate, he landed into the wind and counted it as a good "crossrunway" landing.
We're checking his plane for cognac....
Ryan "Cop a Buzz" Griffin - Stegink (1009) took his Mooney into Giribaldi and nearly ran over a group of teenagers who were smoking something suspicious in the middle of the runway. They probably had not expected to get THAT kind of a buzz!
G-S picked up his charter, a bunch of hikers, and proceeded back to Parrett. He says the one sitting in the right seat flipped the gear handle up on base, which he fortunately noticed in the nick of time so the gear "thunked" into place just as he began flare. Cutting it a bit close maybe?
Mark "Feathers" Thould (1083) had the job of taking some medical supplies up to Diamond Point posthaste, and thought the Mooney would be the right plane for the job. Unfortunately, one of the ground crew found feathers in the air intake duct and suspected a bird strike, so the Mooney was grounded. Undaunted, Thould took the only plane available -- a Trainer with, shall we say, "atmosphere." He says after nearly an hour you don't notice the smell quite so much.
Interestingly, it was reported by the ground crew personnel that the Mooney had not actually suffered a bird strike, but rather several pilots were seen having a pillow fight on the ramp the night before. This struck management as rather odd -- who is giving pilots pillows?
Brett "Birthday Boy" Lynes (1036) had an uneventful evening flight on his birthday last week, which apparently put him in an insufferably good mood.
Chris "Beaver? What Beaver?" Morgese (1010) had a close call in the usually reliable Beaver when he was forced to make an emergency landing at Palo Alto after engine quit "near the airport." He didn't actually go so far as to tell us how it came out, however... or where it is he left the Beaver.
26 March 2000
Pilot Arrested in Sting Operation
PGA pilot Dave "Jailbird" Spurlock (1094) found himself the target of a sting operation set up by officials at Travis AFB this week. Spurlock, who is naturally suspicious of any charter having anything to do with the military these days, became even more suspicious when his passenger attepmted to get him to shut off his radios, transponder, and nav lights and make an illegal landing at Travis AFB. After he wisely refused, his passenger placed him under arrest for trespass because he had landed at the abandoned Hamilton AFB strip without permission.
Spurlock spent a night in the clink being interrogated by lawyer-like goons, while some of the more reckl... er, adventurous PGA pilots began plotting how to get him out. In the course of things, the tanker was once again filled with beer, and a local ranch delivered a white stallion to the SJC FBO. The arrival of the horse aroused the Boss's suspicions, however, and before any of these intrepid plans could come together completely, she wisely sent the lawyer to rescue Spurlock, thereby dodging the probability of open warfare erupting between PGA and the U.S. Air Force this week.
Spurlock has been reassigned to the Seattle area while the lawyers go to work on a civil suit against the Air Force for false arrest, entrapment, kidnapping, trespass to chattels, unlawful search, conspiracy to all of the above, and everything else the sharks... er, lawyers can think of. As a result, PGA may come to own Travis AFB sometime in the next decade or two. The wheels of justice turn slowly.
The Boss would like to take this opportunity to point out to all pilots that lawyers cost a LOT of money and, while the anticipated acquisition of our own former Air Force base will be a fine thing, requests that PGA pilots not require such services too often. She also would like to point out that open warfare, while admittedly more immediately gratifying, is even more expensive than lawyers.
Top Pilots
Even with a day and a night spent in jail, Dave Spurlock (1094) managed to make top pilot this week with an impressive 19.4 hours. Almost as impressive, however, was the performance of Captain Blackadder, who put in 18.75 hours. The Boss is proud of you both -- it's pilots like you who keep the bills paid.
Overall, Luke remains as the top hours pilot with a total of 163.91 hours, with Darby in second place with 140.44.
Promotions
* Ron Boylan (1062) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Craig Stewart (1100) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Brett Lynes (1036) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Geoff McLean (1071) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Lars Martin Knutsen (1108) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Raven (1066) to has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jesse Kasper (1070) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations, all of you!
"Henjum Syndrome" Strikes Supervisor Richards
Supervisor Michael "Where Are My Pilots?!" Richards (1003) is gnashing his teeth and tearing his hair over the fact that none of his pilots have been seen now for over three weeks.
This situation, known as "Henjum Syndrome" for the supervisor to first experience this sort of thing with PGA, is very serious, as it means the supervisor is not taking in any money except for his own flight activities. Considering the Runway Surface Testing Department's recent acquisition of a third (yes, that's a THIRD) airplane, the lack of pilot revenue could prove disasterous in the long run. Fortunately, none of the three have been financed, so he has little to fear from Mr. Cutter and friends.
Richards was last seen loading his Renegade with tranquilizer darts and cattle prods, and taking off in the direction of Darby's Fishing Shack where he thinks he may find at least some of his pilots.
The Big Green Balloon
Sergey Ostrozhinsky (1093) was the first to discover this week that the Boss's boa constrictor looks remarkably like a fuel hose when it's out basking in the sun on the ramp. Unfortunately, someone else later picked up the snake and attached it to the nearly-full fuel truck, whereupon it immediately developed a taste for beer.
It is recommended that all pilots stay clear of the very large (almost tanker-sized) green balloon sitting off to the side of the hangar until further notice. The vet says he should sleep it off by the end of summer.
Party at Darby's Fishing Shack Deemed a Success -- Boss Endorses Pilot Laziness
A party was held Friday night (or Saturday afternoon, depending on your point of view) at Darby's Fishing Shack. The bar was well-stocked, the company was good, and a fine time was had by all who attended. The Boss, in an unprecedented fit of single-malt induced benevolence, was heard saying anyone who showed up could have the following day off if they chose.
Kitty Door Policy
Note to all pilots -- the kitty door on the back of the SJC FBO is hereafter to remain latched at all times, as Darby's cat has taken to bringing home dead things and hiding them around the office. While most of what Kitty brings back is by nature rather large and readily found, there is some concern about people from the local zoo coming around and finding her offerings before we do.
Fellowes Conspiracy
Despite the fact that PGA pilot and Secretary/Treasurer Peter "Who?" Fellowes (1002) is once again safely locked in his cellar, the Boss remained curious where he was for the week between the time she told him to fly home from Half Moon Bay and the time he actually arrived back at San Jose. As Fellowes was not forthcoming with any coherent answers, the Boss began looking into the matter. A week of reviewing radar tapes, paying many bribes, and engaging in miscellaneous skulduggery, a picture began to emerge.
Apparently, Fellowes took the Boss at her word, departing Half Moon Bay and flying all the way home... to North Yorkshire. As best can be told he landed at a small airstrip and walked to a pub that serves Real Ale and real food. There also is some evidence that Fellowes may have met with a mysterious lady (who may or may not have been wearing pearls) in the course of things, although this has not been confirmed.
At any rate, after Fellowes' return from his jaunt and the immediate assignment to make touch & goes at Livermore, the Boss ordered that his plane should be repaired. As the PGA mechanics tore into the dilapidated Arrow, however, they discovered reports of its condition had been greatly exaggerated. Dirt had been artfully streaked on the plane to make it appear dented and scratched up; an oily rag was rigged up in the engine compartment to make it appear the engine was smoking; and when run up, the engine sounded fine, not at all like the coughing, choking thing that staggered into SJC last week. It is speculated that he came in with the mixture set a bit too lean to simulate engine trouble.
Now even more suspicious, the Boss went and "questioned" the tower controllers at LVK as only she can. It soon became clear that Fellowes had not, in fact, reported to Livermore at any point, but had somehow blackmailed the controllers into saying he had.
The question now is, what has Fellowes been up to? Speculations around the coffeepot may now begin.
Pilot Reports
Jesse "Watch This!" Kasper (1070) must think the Trainer is an airliner, as he reports while flying he "went downstairs to grab something to eat." When he came back, he checked his GPS track and found the aircraft had made a full 360-degree turn.
Ummm... which Trainer was he flying, anyway?
Brett "Bookworm" Lynes (1036) complains that the flight between Apex Air Park and Swanson is too short, as he was just getting into Chapter 3 when he came on for final approach. However, he apparently became more involved with Chapter 4 on his next flight as he landed in the rough next to the runway at Skykomish State so the nose gear failed and he suffered a prop strike. He has sent his apologies to the Boss, taking care to point out the paintwork hasn't been touched, but has (wisely, we think) been lying low ever since.
Geoff "Near-Miss" McLean (1071) discovered one of the facilities for which PGA was forced to fall behind in its contributions to the "Controllers Recreational Fund" due to both a decrease in revenue and an increase in the "requested" contribution amount. Ground Control at Paine Field kept him waiting for over 10 minutes while a PNWAC Arrow sat on the active runway prior to takeoff. Meanwhile, another PNWAC Arrow climbed up his tail and steamed his tailfeathers, just to make sure he felt welcome. While taxiing in at the other end of the flight, McLean discovered that people who fly Windhawks tend to think they own the airport and always have the right of way. McLean gunned it and turned hard to avoid a collision, and the girl sitting out in front of the PGA FBO fell off the rail when he narrowly missed hitting the building.
Mark "Cameraman" Thould (1083) spent a little extra time taking pictures around Mt. Rainier last week. Seems the first time he flew around the volcano, he was concentrating so hard on keeping the winds at 10,000 ft from blowing him INTO the mountain (we assume he means literally), he forgot to remove the lens cap the first time around.
However, despite the fine pictures he took on his second pass, Thould also is lying low after a "tricky" landing with a 15-kt crosswind at Tacoma Narrows in the Beaver/Muskrat. He says he went around twice, then finally made the approach with no flaps and floated almost forever. However, it seems he stopped quickly enough once he got down, as the wheels were still retracted.
Ole-Jørgen "Speedy" Søberg (1049) had his round of touch & goes at Kenmore Air Harbor with the seaplane instructor made more exciting by Mr. Gates' speedboat running back and forth around the harbor. Afterwards, he flew some plywood on up to Spada Lake, and was heard to comment that the Muskrat is even slower with plywood strapped to the struts.
Does anyone know who was using the computer in the Aircraft Owner's Club to search the Internet for floats that can be fitted onto a BeechJet?
Captain "Short Field" Blackadder (1020) spent much of his week in dedicated service to PGA, flying the regular routes around the Bay area in his new Baron... except when he was expected to land at Bonny Doon. For some reason he didn't think much of the idea of taking his Baron in there and so crammed the parts into his old Trainer instead.
One of the regular commuters from Route 4 filed a complaint with management after one flight where he said Blackadder was "threatening" the passengers. Ultimately, it came out that Blackadder had suggested Baldrick sing a song, and as a result came very close to having to pay for four new parachutes.
Sergey "Full Tanks" Ostrozhinsky (1093) discovered a mysterious fuel-eating fog this week somewhere between South County and Sacramento. He says he was flying through clouds along the way and admiring the effects, and when he went to switch fuel tanks prior to landing he found all of the fuel missing from the left tank. Fortunately, the right tank was still half full, so he was able to land normally.
Glen "Smiley" Willcutt (1110) enjoyed his assignments last week, cheerfully commenting on how nice it was coming into Whidbey and not having to wait in the pattern forever, and telling us how Tacoma Narrows is his favorite airport. No mention was made of the notoriously yappy teacup poodles he was hauling. Other pilots are demanding to know what type of headset he uses.
Gregor "Wrong Way" Veble (1005) couldn't win for losing this week. Coming in to BFI, he was pleased when the controller gave him 31R on approach, as when he looked at the two runways before him he saw the one on the right was the nice wide runway. He was a bit puzzled when he was told to enter left downwind, but circled around and did as he was told. About 100 ft off the ground, he noticed he was about to land on 13R, gave it full throttle, and went around to land the right way this time. We're told his face is still red.
Word gets around quick, as on his next flight Approach directed him (in the Trainer) to 11,000 ft and gave him a vector in the direction exactly opposite from where he was going. She does have a wicked sense of humor, doesn't she? As an encore, Veble was forced to make a no-flaps landing at Easton State, which means he's spending quite a lot of time cleaning mud and grass out of the wheels and off the fuselage after discovering no handy Ground Crew members available to do it for him.
Don't worry, Gregor. PGA is glad to have you, and Delta pilots are a bunch of stuffed-shirts anyway. They don't even have a bail budget!
Ryan "Round and Round" Griffin - Stegink (1009) found the pattern at Reid-Hillview to be busier than usual whilst coming in with a load of auto spares for a notoriously impatient customer. He reports there were "at LEAST three Arrows and/or Trainers" in the pattern ahead of him, and at least an additional three behind him at all times. Would this be a bad time to point out the pattern is continuous and therefore the planes that are ahead of him are also behind him? And here we thought he was good at geometry.
After being instructed to go around for the third time, G-S reports he informed the controller that he would be landing this time and that the Trainer ahead of him had best get off the runway. The Trainer made it out of the way just as the Mooney touched down, but the trainee controller in the tower was so confused he informed the Arrow following G-S to "follow the Mooney on final." G-S reported the incident to the FAA, and now will be spending the entire next week being "interviewed" by the two FAA officials who are determined to get to the bottom of this situation and find out what exactly happened.
3 April 2000
Boss's Screams Heard Around the World
After spending a day writing the News page and making other website updates, a catastrophic system crash at approximately 2300 Alaska Daylight Time that resulted in the loss of just about every scrap of work she'd done all day caused the Boss to cut loose with a scream that registered on the Richter scale and was reported as having been heard as far away as Norway.
Fortunately, the Boss is no longer employed by evil lawyers in her secret other life, and so had time today to dedicate to reconstructing the News page. Donations of chocolate (please take note, everyone on the east side of the Atlantic) to help soothe the Boss's ruffled feathers are strongly encouraged.
Top Pilots
Dave Spurlock (1094) does it again and comes in as number one pilot this week with 17.7 hours. Lukexcom (1039) was a distant second with 9.46 hours.
Overall, Luke remains as the top hours pilot with a total of 173.37 hours, and Darby holds in second place with 140.44.
Promotions
* Bjørn Henjum (1044) has been promoted to Senior Captain
* Rubens A C Filho (1076) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Karl Hammarling (1098) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Scott "Mailman" Boswell (1109) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Glen Willcutt (1110) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Ben Ainsworth (1111) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Andreas Liebig (1112) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Notice
The Boss would like to take this opportunity to point out that sticking pins in the snake will not cause him to leak, so whoever has been back there trying it, cut it out.
PGA Pilot Proves Existence of Ghost Ship Ghost Ship
You can sit down with the old timers at Jefferson County, buy them a beer or ten, and after a time one of them might make mention of the Dutching Flyman. A hush will come over the room, and you might ask the Question, whereupon it depends how much beer you've bought if you'll get an answer or if they'll change the subject. If you've been appropriately free with your money, you'll learn that the Dutching Flyman was a vessel lost at sea in the Bermuda Triangle many years ago, with a captain who was notoriously bad at navigation. And then you'll hear of the mysterious Ghost Ship that matches her profile, how she will cruise down out of the fog, abeam the glidepath for the runway at Jefferson County on just the right sort of day.
Some claim to have seen her, more to have heard her horn blowing in the fog. Most don't believe a word of it.
PGA Supervisor and Pilot Bjorn Henjum (1044) has become a believer.
Henjum had just landed at Jefferson County International after a particularly strange flight involving multiple system failures and an invisible Baron shooting touch & goes in the pattern. He had just cleared the runway when he saw something move in the mist. In his own words:
Just as I'm about to stop the aircraft, the hair rises on my head, and the blood freezes in my veins. There - in the distance - just ABOVE the FBO - barely visible through the fog - comes a huge transport ship. Yes, a SHIP! In the air! Not only do I see it, I hear it as well. And good, too! It blows it's fog horn constantly, and the deep sound is penetrating every bone in my body. The ship slowly comes closer to the ground while coming towards me, and when it reaches ground level, it continues on the ground - right in front of me. I'm still paralysed from the event, my mouth open.
Fortunately, Henjum had the presence of mind to remember the camera he always carries with him, and was able to snap the photo at right just before the apparition disappeared into the mist. The detail clearly shows the shadowy outline of the ghost ship far too close for it to have been in the water in that direction.
Skeptics have dismissed the event as a mirage caused by a low-level temperature inversion and pollution, despite the fact no ships matching that sillouhette can be traced to within anywhere of several hundred miles of the area. UFOlogists and other fans of the paranormal have converged on Jefferson County, where they have been experimenting with fog generators and dry ice in the hope of recreating the conditions and catching a glimpse of the ship themselves. The resulting economic boom for the town has caused the mayor to proclaim 26 March as "Bjorn Henjum Day," and there will be a statue erected in the town square in Henjum's honor.
Pilots should be aware there is a NOTAM in effect for the area for random people on the runway and taxiways, especially during times of low visibility.
ISP Failure Means Fresh Donuts
An ISP glitch kept TOOTSD Grand High Poobah Lukexcom (1039) from remotely connecting to the TOOTSD mainframe SDD (Stale Doughnut Defense) system for a couple of days this week, and TOOTSD Second-in-Command Ryan Griffin-Stegink (1009) was indisposed and unavailable to operate the system manually. As a result, the pilots enjoyed fresh pastries in the Hangar each day for two whole days before Luke's ISP problem was solved and things returned to normal.
Anyone wanting to know the identity and address of Luke's ISP, the information may be found in the top left-hand drawer of the Boss's desk, which has been "accidentally" left unlocked. There's also a pack of chewing gum in there, for purposes of deniability, and if you get caught she's never heard of you.
Pictures, Negatives Recovered
Geoff McLean (1071) picked up a packet of pictures and negatives from officials at McChord this week, and management would like to inform those parties involved in the relevant incident (you know who you are) that the matter has been closed and no further investigation will be pursued. You got lucky this time, boys. Don't expect they'll be so sloppy next round.
Seattle Unharmed -- Boss Relieved
Receipt of a worrisome message stating something about a "seatle fight dissaster" caused the Boss to spend a couple of sleepless nights redistributing the funds to increase the bail budget after it occurred to her that Darby Willcox (1013) and Dave Spurlock (1094) were both in the Seattle area. Fortunately, a subsequent PIREP from Spurlock clarified the message (which had been taken by Baldrick) and all pilots may be assured that Seattle is still standing. Dispatchers have been instructed to coordinate to keep Willcox and Spurlock on opposite sides of the map as much as possible, however.
Griffin - Stegink Returns from Secret FAA Mexico Facility
Ryan Griffin-Stegink (1009) has returned from a week of questioning at the secret FAA facility in Mexico. He reports, "It felt like I was in an entirely different country! It was so odd and-- Wait. I was in a different country." Apparently, torture was a part of the ordeal, as he says it was +43C (that's just over +109F) when he climbed the 91 steps to the top of the temple at Chichen Itza. We can only guess that, once at the top, he told them something they wanted to hear, as he was allowed to come back down again with his heart intact... and, more to the point, still located in his ribcage.
Pilot Reports
Andy "Amphib" Booth (1046) was heard uttering something about "rain, wind... yuk." We suggest that it's probably a good thing he's flying the Renegade, because it makes the transition from air to water so very well, and air to water transitions do tend to happen rather suddenly in the Seattle area.
Jesse "Rough Ride" Kasper (1070) found himself cleaning out the plane after the usual Approach vectoring profile (2000, 5000, 3000, 300, etc.) caused a number of the dead lobsters he was hauling to become airsick. A team of biologists have become interested in the effects of changing altitude on dead lobsters, and have been inquiring as to Kasper's availability for future experiments. Don't worry, Jesse, we're pretending we don't know you when they call.
Dave "Wing Low" Spurlock (1094) spent his week on a lengthy charter, flying a photographer around several of the volcanoes along the West Coast. He had been specially requested for this trip, having been highly recommended by another photographer he had flown on a shorter flight a few weeks prior. Spurlock reported that he had been looking forward to another nice trip of actively seeking out the best views, but says that the whole trip was "a living nightmare." His passenger, Leroy Schmutzer, seemed barely interested in the assignment, and spent most of his time in the plane either eating or asleep; Spurlock spent most of his time between flights cleaning Twinkie wrappers and stray sandwich innards out of his plane. He further complains that the springs in the right seat are completely shot after almost a week of supporting the not-insubstantial Schumtzer. Observers have noticed that Spurlock does seem to have developed a tendency to fly with the left wing slightly low, no doubt from spending nearly 18 hours compensating for the weight of his passenger.
Bjørn "Off Airport" Henjum (1044) boldly made the flight up to Glacier Peak in his own Trainer last week, finding a reasonably flat spot on the northern side where he went around three times before putting it down cleanly and rolling to a safe stop. He comments that it's funny how large his landing site seemed once he was safely down on the ground!
After offloading the supplies, he started up again, fiddled with the carb heat and mixture to get maximum performance out of the little Trainer, gave it a notch of flaps, and let go the brakes, heading downhill. Down the mountain side for a few seconds, and then he was airborne. Ironically, after landing safely on a tiny icy flat spot at 10,000 ft, he managed to damage the landing gear when he put down on the runway at Arlington. Maybe he's just getting *too* good at the off-airport landings?
Geoff "Crabby" McLean (1071) was set up for a perfect landing in a good 16-20 MPH crosswind, crabbing hard until the last moment when he straightened out and landed. Unfortunately, a gust caught him and the plane suddenly took a hard, uncontrollable left turn, scraping the wingtip on the runway. Damage was minimal (nothing a bit of duct tape couldn't fix), and he was able to get it upright before he stopped. His subsequent decision to stay overnight due to deteriorating weather was aptly rewarded with a load of dead fish to haul away with him in the morning.
Mark "Bleary Eyes" Blades (1077) had a nice easy flight from Kapowsin, and was pleasantly surprised by the nice, large airstrip at his destination, Aero Plaza. After touching down, however, he checked his map and discovered he'd overshot and landed at Olympia instead. He immediately took off again and headed back to Aero Plaza to pick up his cargo. The Boss did receive a call from the Tower at Olympia, complaining about a PGA plane landing and taking off without clearance, but after some negotiation it was agreed that the FAA would not be notified.
Rubens "Airfield Consultant" Filho (1076) wants to know why the mountains are so close to the runway at Ranger Creek, and why there is so much wind there. He considers the design and planning of that particular airfield to be "terrible"; he would have set the mountains a bit farther back and decreased the wind factors in the area had he been in charge of the project. The Boss has promised to pass on his comments to the appropriate authorities, and there is some talk that he may be consulted on the placement of any new mountains in that area, or (if the federal funds come through) reorganization of the existing mountains.
Dave "Maintain Altitude" Keeran (1031) and the regular customers on his nightly commuter flight have been enjoying the finest in roller coaster rides as provided by Bay Approach. The lastest theory on that, by the way, is that the "lady" carries a torch for Captain Joel, and so in his honor vectors PGA planes like roller coasters in the hopes that he'll take favorable notice.
Captain "Hush Hush" Blackadder (1020) was forced to turn back shortly after takeoff when he suffered a (ahem) rare and almost unheard-of radio failure. He would have continued the flight, except the next thing that happened was his airspeed indicator got stuck. With the thought that having two things break within minutes of each other was a bad trend, he decided discretion is indeed the better part of valor and turned back to land at Boeing Field. He says he looked for light signals, but all he could see was the vague figure of a stressed controller jumping up and down, which obviously meant he was cleared to land (isn't that signal on your kneeboard?).
Adam "Sightseer" Wilmer (1102) got the scenic route from Paine Field to Boeing, courtesy ATC. Fortunately, they were feeling nice and let him land before fuel exhaustion forced him to land anyway.
Daniel "Piece of Cake" Logan (1107) passed his first Navigation Exercise on the first go, and was heard to comment afterwards that he thought Biennial Flight Reviews are supposed to be hard. We'll see what we can do for you, Daniel...
G "Blinky" G (1047) learned the truth of that old saw about life as a pilot being long stretches of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror... or at least we assume he did. His comments on a run from Eaton State to R&K Skyranch said only that it was a "long, boring journey...short, painful landing! I blinked - I almost missed it...!" Unfortunately, the webcamera at R&K was down for maintenance and no evidence could be found in the picture archives, so we can only speculate.
Glen Willcutt (1110) resisted the urge to land on the aircraft carrier as he flew by the other day. The Boss appreciates his discretion, as she is having a hard enough time with the Air Force these days and doesn't feel we need to get the Navy involved, too.
Sergey "Beetle" Ostrozhinsky (1093) had an unusual experience this week that we have decided is best told in his own words:
Picture: Santa Rosa. On the runway stand aircraft waiting takeoff clearance. Near runway stand my Arrow, ready for take off, holding short. In the distance there is just landed Trainer, clearing runway. Tower: "Trainer XXX, contact Ground on YYY". Trainer doesn't answer. Silence in the air. 5 min... 10 min... My passenger become nervous - he's in hurry. I know this tower dispatcher and I know that in the Trainer his Big Love, she just forgot to answer, but dispatcher look at her with amorous look. I already get this situation couple times, and know that to enliven dispatcher I must to do something strange, for example, taxiing on the runway, make circle around waiting aircraft. And I do it. And dispatcher wake up and clear aircraft for take off. But this time aircraft is LearJet, and he get clearance when I exactly behind him... Jet streams lift up my little Arrow like autumn leaf... and drop it right on the taxiway sign upside-down 8-() But Arrow remain safe! Engine still working, but I feel like flipped beetle: I can buzz (with engine) and jerk with legs (gear up/gear down), but I can't flip backwards. Good that next aircraft in the takeoff sequence is Citation with complete football team: with their help we set Arrow in right position and sucessfully take off...
11 April 2000
CAPT JOEL GETS MARRIED!!!
Yes, it's true, PGA's most eligible bachelor (well, come on guys, we HAVE to say that!) is off the market! Captain Joel stopped into the main office just long enough to tell the Boss he'd gotten married on April 8 and that he and the bride were leaving to go ride roller coasters for a few weeks.
It was quickly arranged for the BeechJet to be decorated appropriately, and the happy couple departed south shortly thereafter.
Congratulations Joel and Mrs. Joel! Short lines and good weather to you both. :)
Top Pilots
Dave Spurlock (1094) was top pilot this week with 14.40 hours. Robert Hawks (1050) came in at number two with 12.30 hours.
Great job!
Promotions
* Dave Spurlock (1094) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Sergey Ostrozhinski (1093) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Jon Biggles (1079) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Glen Willcutt (1110) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Brian Schofield (1060) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Michael Droy (1069) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Grant Muckart (1024) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jin Shubsda (1054) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jim Razzi (1113) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Boss Subject of FAA Investigation
The FAA is investigating the crash of a PGA Windhawk at Newport, Oregon earlier this week. Eyewitnesses say the plane arrived gear up with both engines shut down. By the time emergency crews arrived at the scene (about 20 minutes, due to airport funding cuts), the pilot had disappeared.
FAA spokesman A. Neil Jerk ("that's pronounced 'YERK'") stated at a press conference yesterday that PGA Supreme High Boss Shanya Dzj..Dhzk. ... Dzrk... er, 'Shanya' is being sought for questioning on the basis of a report that she was seen departing north from San Jose in the Windhawk just hours before the accident.
Despite several unconfirmed reports of pilots flying down to Newport and bringing her back to Boeing Field, no one has seen the Boss since Monday. We just want to make that clear.
New Mechanic Hired at Boeing
In a TOTALLY unrelated story, a new mechanic finally has been hired to fill the vacancy left at Boeing Field after Ron Boyland (1062) took it upon himself to adjust the attitude of the last one. The new mechanic's name is "Shawn Anderson" and hang onto your doughnuts boys, she's a SHE! We're told her credentials are impressive and that she can bend a wrench with the best of them. Her specialty is radial engines, but if it's broken she can fix it.
Watch out, though. We're also told she's pretty fast with that end-wrench, so watch the comments.
Yes, now that you mention it, she does resemble the Boss a little bit, doesn't she? But that's just a coincidence. Besides, she has red hair and the Boss is a brunette.
Lukexcom Loses Medical
Lukexcom (1039) made the error of passing out from doughnut deprivation in front of two FAA inspectors and has, as a result, lost his medical until "Flight Unlimited IV is released," according to the local FSDO.
17 April 2000
Boss Still MIA (or is that Again?)
Despite the best efforts of the FAA and a whole alphabet soup of other publicly funded federal agencies, the whereabouts of the PGA Boss remain entirely unknown. "We have several leads," reports FAA spokesman Frank Lee Dullard. "We have initiated a full-scale manhunt, and anticipate the subject will be in custody by the end of the week."
No one has bothered to point out they might do better with a full-scale "woman"hunt...
When asked to speculate on the Boss's disappearance, one PGA pilot said, "she's probably off somewhere in the mountains or something, living with a bear and some moose who she talks with. Ya know, they probably catch fish and stuff and have fun picking berries and stuff. She'll stay out there until the FAA gets something better to do, ya know, investigating another airline smash or something." Said pilot was immediately compelled to leap into a nearby Mooney and take off to avoid some men in white coats who made a lunge for him.
When asked to comment on the effect the Boss's disappearance has had on PGA, another pilot responded, "what, she's missing again?"
Top Pilots
Captain Blackadder (1020) was top pilot this week, with 16.95 hours. Dave Spurlock (1094) came in second with 9.1 hours. Overall, Lukexcom (1039) remains out in front with 177.52 hours, and Darby Willcox (1013) is number two with 141.74 PGA hours.
Great job, all of you!
Promotions
* Captain Blackadder (1020) has been promoted to to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Robert Hawks (1050) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Paul J Thomason (1067) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
FAA Computers Malfunction
Earlier this week, the FAA reported that it was having some difficulty with its main computer system. Among the problems reported were non-functioning doors, a persistent hum that sounds remarkably like "Daisy, Daisy...", and a firm insistence that "there's nothing wrong, Dave."
All FAA activities have ground to a halt pending repair of the system. The only thing that has come out of the central office in Oklahoma City has been a mass mailing of medical certificates and other documents that have been being awaited by pilots all over the U.S.
"Whatever the problem is, it's an improvement over the usual one," says one pilot who was grounded for having the hiccups during his first-class medical exam.
Two Men Found
Two men were picked up at one of the remote lakes up high in the Alpine Lakes Wilderness area east of Seattle. Both were suffering from hypothermia, dementia, and metrophobia (fear of poetry). Their names have not been released pending identification.
Bottle from the Sky Inspires New Faith
A small group of teenagers were passing a smoldering herbal substance in the hills below Lick Observatory when a beer bottle suddenly plumetted out of the sky and embedded itself in the dirt directly in the middle of the group, missing each of them by mere inches. Amazingly, the bottle was still intact.
In response, they did what any group of red-blooded Californians would do -- started a new religion.
"The 'Gennesseeans of the Cream Ale' are essentially a Ratafarian Cargo Cult, worshipping the sacred bottle and expanding already existing rituals to embrace the new icon," according to Anne Thropologist, a leading social scientist. "They hang out in the hills below Lick Observatory, smoke marijuana, and drink beer," she goes on to explain, "whereas before they simply hung out in the hills below Lick Observatory and smoked marijuana."
Pilot Reports
Brian "Rescue Me" Schofield (1060) was flaring to land at Bremerton when a panel truck suddenly zoomed in out of nowhere, right in front of him. He was reaching for the throttle to go around, but then he recognized the truck as belonging to the local FBO and decided it must be a Kamikaze "follow-me" truck. So he followed it. He followed it off the runway, down the taxiway, across the ramp, out the gate, down the access road, onto the highway, and finally to a local bar where he parked next to the truck, shut down, and went inside where the bartender refused him access to a phone so he couldn't close his flight plan. Search & Rescue found him there some hours later, drinking heavily and hoping someone would find him before he had to pay his bill.
Nobody had better get any ideas about using an ELT to get out of a bar tab...
Glen "Stay Upwind" Willcutt (1110) reports that live lobsters do too smell, and don't believe anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.
Grant "Oops" Muckart (1024) got an introduction to mountain flying last week, including short field operations. While he enjoyed the views and successfully tackled the downdrafts, he came in to land a bit fast on final and soon found himself nearly out of runway. Rather than go around, he plunked it down fast and stood on the brakes. He did stop fairly quickly, but gained a prop strike for his efforts. After trying to restart the engine, he realized it doesn't like to run with a twisted crankshaft. Nevertheless, he was soon on his way again, and reports he flew a much slower approach for his next landing so things went much better.
The new PGA mechanic took a look at the plane afterwards, and discovered Muckart apparently had whittled a new crankshaft and prop out of a couple of old fenceposts. He was so modest he forgot to mention that bit in his PIREP.
Ryan "Low Not Slow" Griffin - Stegink (1009) says he doesn't know why he does it, after landing at Marin with a 500 ft ceiling, coming in so low that he "surely caused panic on the streets and almost hit a radio tower."
Later on, it seems G-S revised his views on low flight, as he brought a crew of photographers under the Golden Gate bridge and followed up with the trolley car tour of downtown SFO... Mooney-style. Fortunately, the Boss is missing and Peter has escaped, so there is no one in authority at the SJC office and the phones just keep ringing....
Sergey "Look Out Below!" Ostrozhinsky (1093) was shuttling a team of scientists around when, after spending the entire time loudly discussing some scientific problems, they suddenly told him they must stop at Lick Observatory to check a theory they had devised in the course of things. Ostrozhinsky was pleased by this, as last time he tried landing at Lick he was flying a plane with the very awkward keyboard control system and had never managed to land in one piece. This time he tried a couple of test approaches and came in for a smooth and successful landing.
He does not know what the scientists might have seen through the telescope (it was daytime), but reports they emerged from the building "very jolly and satisfied and with case of beer." Takeoff was easy, like jumping off a cliff, and the scientists requested that he fly high, so he went to 10,000 ft where high winds had the Trainer hovering like a helicopter. For half an hour they hung there while the scientists emptied both their cameras and the case of beer, tossing the empties out the window (see Front Page). At this point, Ostrozhinsky shut down the engine. He says it took 10 minutes of silence before his passengers became "slightly nervous," but he restarted again and continued on to a normal landing.
Captain "Hero" Blackadder (1020) had a bit of an argument when he attempted to file a flight plan that involved a foray under the Golden Gate Bridge. Finally, he gave up on that and flew in the true PGA fashion, with the photographer merrily snapping away.
The next day, he was requested to fly in an airshow. Unfortunately he'd left the Fokker in his other suit, and all he had available was his old Trainer. So he cleverly painted a few RAF circles on the thing, called it a special recon plane ("Yes, I know it looks like a Cessna, just shows how advanced the RAF was"), and the crowds were still cheering when he tipped his wings and flew off into the sunset.
Dave "Lucky" Spurlock (1094) had the joy of ferrying a couple of FAA Inspectors to Paine Field. He managed to maintain a calm and collected appearance, but we all know what it's like to fly around with the FAA in the plane, even if you do manage to keep them sitting in the back.
The weather was, of course, crap. He filed IFR, and Approach kept them in the clouds the whole way while Spurlock sweated to keep Bouncing Betty from calling him to monitor heading or maintain altitude. For a change, he was vectored right into position to pick up the localizer, and was soon cleared to land. When he broke out of the clouds, the runway was right in front of them.... with a pretty little Baron sitting on it! Tower had cleared the Baron to take off at the same time they cleared him to land!
He shot a missed and was able to land the next time without any further difficulties. The moment he parked the plane, the two Inspectors made a bee-line for the Tower. They were in such a rush they completely forgot their clipboards, which a mechanic found in the back of the Beaver later on. Each clipboard apparently had a pad of paper with a lot of nit-picky notes about Spurlock's flying, but we'll never know what they said because through an unfortunate series of events they became drenched with avgas and spontaneously combusted.