News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
June 2000 - August 2000
20 June 2000
PGA Boss Missing Nothing... er, Nothing Missing... I mean, Misses Nothing
PGA Grand High Supreme Boss And Don't You Dare Forget It Shanya Dzhjonovna still knows where she is, and therefore persists in her continuing status as "not missing."
What should concern you kiddies more is where she knows she is at the present time has something to do with "on the way back to the PGA office" and, of even greater interest, "the PGA hangar."
Survivors of past returns of the Boss might recall her sharp eye for any stray party paraphanillia... and the swift action of her priming crank handle.
Parties -- The Real Official Word
Management would like to supplement last week's article entitled "Parties, The Management's View." In fact, the current official word on parties is there are, have been, and would never be any parties held in any PGA facility, nor yet attended by any PGA pilot, at any time during the Boss's absence. Everyone here has been busy flying, no one knows anything about any tequilla. Right, got that?
As a reminder, all pilots should test the substance in the tanker truck before either imbibing or filling your plane with it.
Top Pilots
Dave Spurlock (1093) is PGA's top pilot this week, with 23.65 hours. Dylan Cummins (1016) came in a distant second with 13.68 hours.
Great work!
Promotions
* Mike Lesley (1125) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Richard A. de Kok (1124) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* James Cardwell (1126) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Pilot Reports
Bart "Where am I now?" Krijnen (1122) on SSPL 5 has found VFR much more difficult than expected. He reports that he assumed he was circling Boeing Field when he received clearance to land from the nice (!) lady in the tower, but he found no runway number matching the one she gave him to land on. Fortunately, he kept his head, gained a bit of altitude and time to think, and realized that the reason nothing was matching up was that he was, in fact, at Renton. One "extended downwind" later, Bart landed safely at Boeing Field, comforting himself with the thought that he is a student pilot yet and will learn in time.
Maybe he should allow more time, though, because on SSPL 7 he attempted to use VOR to navigate to R & K Skyranch... after circling around and looking for the airfield as we all have done, he made a text book landing... at Skattercreek.
If you ever think of coming south Bart to San Jose can you let me know, we can have some very big white markers put on the ground saying "This Way Bart".
Geoff "No Worries" McLean (1071) tells us on his a recent flight of RT4 his passengers were able to enjoy a gorgeous sunset with a gentle cool breeze after a long windy day. The libations flowed freely within the Mooney that was purring along like a warm, comfy kitty, and spirits were high as a nearly full moon rose over breathtaking mountain vistas.
Geoff says you just can't buy a nicer ending to a commuting day... of course, we want to know how he would know that unless he's tried. Anyway, the flight was completely uneventful, and even Boucin' Betty cooperated and let him intercept the localizer on the first round. However (have you noticed there's always a however?) Geoff says the Boss may get a call from the tower, for whilst he was on short final he was told there was another aircraft on the runway and to go around. Geoff claims there ws no aircraft on the runway, so he just bought her in for a nice landing while the tower controller kept on like a broken record, even after Geoff had cleared the runway. Well there you are Geoff, if the plane does not screw you up someone else will... and no, we will not mention anything about flying through the hangers at Travis -- we have enough trouble with them as it is.
Carsten "Street Smart" Luckman (1018) couldn't find Bandera State in bad weather, but managed a fine landing on a deserted city street. Walking the rest of the way to the airport, he ferried the moose and bear meat back to his plane (must have taken several trips). Finally, a very, very wet Carsten managed to get the plane loaded and took off from the street to complete his flight to Boeing Field, where he managed to find the runway and was not compelled to land on a street and ferry the meat to the airport from there.
He seems to think the whole interior of the plane will have to be replaced due to the rather pungent odor of moose and bear meat... Anyone here care to explain the harsh realities of life as a charter pilot to Carsten here?
Rick "IFR" Smith (1114) wishes to report that on PPL 14 he actually followed the ILS straight in with out a problem. Granted its a pretty straight in shot from South County to SAC, but since the weather was being weather and not being not weather, Rick thought he might give IFR a try. He kept Betty informed of his location at 20 miles and 12 miles out and Betty must have been either in a good mood or just so suprised to see a PGA Aircraft that she let him straight in so he just followed the beam on down. The runway became visible at 200 feet, and he put it stright down the centre line at 130 kts.
We are not sure who was more suprised, Rick for having his instruments work for the whole flight, or Betty for seeing a PGA Aircraft after so long she just let him straight in. Either way, Rick dug out the can of Brute he always carries in his flight bag, gave himself a good 2 minute burst from the can and proceeded to ask Betty out for a drink.
Yes... we've noticed there's a bit of a bounce to his step these days as well...
Marek "Gone to the Dogs" Gierlinski (1118) decided to use earplugs while flying the Washburns' two poodles to Whidbey Air Park. While this relieved the barking problem, it also left Marek unable to hear anything from ATC or the tower controllers. The Boss has received several nasty messages from the FAA, but it appears Marek's only comment was "Who cares!" Good luck Marek... I believe the Boss will be looking for you.
Richard "Ooops" de Kok (1124) has learned first hand (as if he needed to) that there are two things in physics to watch out for: Irresistable Force and Immoveable Object. In this instance, the Irresistable Force was the left wing of his Trainer, and the Immoveable Object was a a tree. Apparently, the tree refused to move out of the way, causing the left wing of the aircraft to depart from the fuselage upon meeting the tree.
Richard says he is sorry, but if he was looking for a bit of sympathy from his supervisor on reporting the event, he learnt Dave Spurlock is not the guy to go to. Spurlock "reminded" his young charge that this is not American Airlines, and "suggested" he break out the duct tape and bailing wire carried in the rear of the aircraft for just such events as these and get it back in the air. Richard has now learnt two lessons here, first hitting trees with your wing does nothing to enhance the aerodynamics of the aircraft, and second you may be able to pick the tree you're going to hit but you can't pick your supervisor.
Ryan "What's All the Fuss?" Griffin-Stegink (1009) has after all this time just managed to finish reading the handbook that came with his new aircraft and has discovered a couple of buttons and switches on the dashboard that until now seem to have escaped his notice. "You gotta love just love flight planners and autopilots," he claims. "Of course I could do all the VOR flying myself," he told a friend, "but the autopilot keeps me on the right heading whilst correcting for wind, excellent." Well, Ryan, I guess thats why the aircraft makers put it in there. However as you say if only you knew the formula for crabbing...
John "It Never Happened" Wilding (1121) claims any rumors that he flew under the Tacoma Narrows Bridge are completely unfounded and furthermore are totally false. He wasn't there, he was on the other side of town, and he has witnesses and swears that it was that darn 8-niner-mike again. Of course it was John, of course it was... John also is wondering about Walter's, shall we say, rather "contumelious" attitude toward PGA pilots. As all of us who have dealt with Walter in the past know quite well, Walter is a ... What's that? Oh. You're right. I can't say that here, can I? Ah well. That's Walter.
28 June 2000
PGA Finances in Good Shape
The rumors have been flying, implying that PGA is following in the steps of Looking Glass Aviation and is not able to pay its bills.
According to Grand High Supreme Ruler Shanya "Boss" Dzhjonovna, There is no "cash flow debacle," PGA has paid all of its bills and its usual bribes, and she notes that these rumors sprung up shortly after the FAA began making demands for double the usual bribe payments.
No charters or cargo were left waiting at any airports, as business continued as usual. No pilot should believe anyone who tells him that he is the only one left flying for the company.
Unfortunately, the rumors reached certain officials at the bank and the PGA bank account was temporarily frozen by the panicky banker who also used to handle LGA's accounts. The resultant inability of PGA to issue valid payroll checks on time promptly added to the mayhem. Fortunately, with the assistance of Mr. Guido Cutter and a couple of guys left over from the BAC days, the matter was quickly settled and the accounts released.
The Boss would like to remind all PGA pilots that there are lots of stale doughnuts and coffee in the hangar so you needn't go hungry, and you all work so hard you shouldn't have time to spend at "home" anyway -- rent and mortgages are just a waste of money. Hey, you can sleep in a plane, but you can't fly a house, right?
Top Pilots
Dave Spurlock (1093) is PGA's top pilot again this week, with 11.98 hours. Tony Chau (1116) follows up with a very close second with 11.93 hours.
Great work!
Promotions
* Mike Mitchell (1072) has been promoted to ATP
* Rick Smith (1114) has been promoted to ATP
* Geoff McLean (1071) has been promoted to ATP
* Marek Gierlinski (1118) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Mike Lesley (1125) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Steve Wilson (1128) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Frank A. Klesnick III (1123) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
No Parties Not Detected By Boss
Fortunately, through the heroic efforts of certain PGA pilots who stayed to clean up the mess, the Boss does not have no idea that there was not no party held at San Jose during her absence. Just as soon as they've recovered from the effort, he cleanup crew would like to have a word behind the hangar with all of the pilots who left upon hearing the Boss was inbound for landing...
Real Lives Banned
It has come to the attention of the Boss that some pilots are leading double lives and engaging in real world activities that interfere with their flying for the company. Notwithstanding her own situation, the Boss has decreed that this must stop. Every PGA pilot should put flying for PGA first and other jobs, family, and what-have-you second. If you don't have a yoke or joystick and rudder pedals at YOUR real world job, there's obviously something VERY wrong. Get your priorities straight, guys!
Missing Mustang Reappears
The chronically "missing" Mustang, last spotted at Boeing Field, has once again reappeared, only this time in the San Jose PGA hangar. The Boss has checked the schedules thoroughly and can find no record of how it might have gotten there.
Seeing as various federal authorities also are seeking the "missing" Mustang, the Boss has hidden it in the old hangar out behind the main PGA facility (you just thought the main hangar looked dilapidated...) until she can verify that it was NOT the Mustang involved in certain earlier incidents. Of course, this "verification" may involve new numbers and paint...
Bouncing Betty Loses Bounce
Everyone's favorite approach controller seems to have been giving straight in approaches more often than not lately, leading some pilots to find religion while others wait for the other shoe to drop. This situation started when Betty brought Rick "Ladies' Man" Smith (1114) straight in and he took her straight out... to dinner! Apparently Betty is smitten... Rick, we all ask that for god's sake don't make her mad!
Pilot Reports
"Where's the Party" Chau (1116) had nothing to do with the reappearance of the "missing" PGA Mustang in the hanger at San Jose, and swears he was at home on his flight simulator at the time. After appearing at the hangar and finding no party going on (of course not Tony, we don't have parties while the Boss is away) loaded up four cases of Bud into the Renegade and headed back up north. Almost five and half-hours later, a very tired Tony landed at Boeing Field. PGA's VP met Tony, told him to go find himself someplace to get some sleep then quickly removed the four cases of Bud from the plane. The VP was quoted as saying, "Well I wouldn't want Tony to get into any more trouble with Boss now would I". The four cases of beer have mysteriously disappeared, probably to the same place the Mustang keeps going....
Stephen "Bend'Em" Bull (1041) bent the gear at Byron, at Parret and at either Marin or San Jose this week making his usual "arrival". Fortunately, Bull is not one to let a little thing like bent landing gear stop him. At Byron he was able to find a large steel bar "lying around" (we didn't ask where) at Byron and patched it up, good as new. At Parret, however, the damage was a bit more dire as the plane ended up in "two pieces" (we didn't ask which two). However, when he asked for broom handles and duct tape at the local hardware store, they gave him some "No More Nails" glue, which he now swears by for those pesky little major airframe repairs.
Bull also gets the "Bull" award of the week for convincing his passengers that he landed to one side of the runway at Marin because the FAA considers runways to be only a "useful guide" and it's not required that a plane actually LAND on such a hard surface.
NEWS FLASH-- BULL MAKES GOOD LANDING
Witnesses report that Stephen Bull made a good, smooth, greaser of a landing at Santa Rosa. Locals have been flocking to the scene to view the plane after what some have termed "a miracle." One woman has even claimed that touching the still warm cowling of the Piper Arrow cured her of chronic gas. The Boss would like to remind Bull of the company policy of charging the public to view a plane in which a miracle has occurred, and charging double to touch the plane.
Not to be outdone, Geoff "Carrier" McLean (1071) partially collapsed the nose gear of a PGA Mooney on the "*yikes* third bounce." Yep, that third bounce must've been a real "yikes", alright...
McLean also was pegged as former Navy by an FAA Inspector as he made touch & goes at various airports, commenting that Navy pilots "hit the ground hard, still expecting to catch a wire" and that they "always have full flaps, and the engine at full power." He recommended that McLean remember he's not landing on a carrier, so McLean promptly arrived the same way at all the other airports. Fortunately, he managed to avoid bending the gear, which would have been a bad thing with an FAA inspector in the plane... Geoff, would you maybe have a little talk with Stephen Bull sometime about how you do that?
Student pilot Frank "Duck!" Klesnik III (1123) had a near miss with Air Plastique 211 over downtown Seattle this week. You know, just because their planes explode on impact, they think they own the sky...
Rolo "Autopilot" Mace (1038) enjoyed the stealth autopilot installed on the Baro...er, Windhawk during a nice twilight flight, even if it's not like the Mooney. Well, of COURSE it's not like the Mooney.. it's a Baro... er, Windhawk!
Mark "Leaky" Blades (1077) also found the stealth autopilot installed in 4LG, but complains that he wish the Boss would see about fixing the leaky wing tanks so he can have "a nice uneventfull flight instead of the knackering white knuckle ride that is the Seattle-Boeing run." The Boss wants to know what he's complaining about, at least the tanks held until he was near airports where he could land and apply more chewing gum!
Mike "Cleared to Land" Mitchell (1072) was going round and round at Napa County with an FAA inspector on board when the inspector lost his temper, grabbed the mic, and hollered to the tower something about didn't they know who he was? Mitchell reports whatever he said worked fine, because they received immediate clearance to land. Congratulations Mike! We've decided since you like it so well you get to take an FAA inspector with you on ALL of your upcoming flights! Lucky you!
Rick "Snack Bar" Smith (1114) had a bit too much crosswind for his rudderless configuration (don't you wish we had an Ercoupe?) as far as his Air Force pax were concerned. He usually handles a crosswind with a bit of prodigious skidding just before wheels down, but at the moment of touchdown he was reaching for eithre the pastrami-on-rye in the seat or the coffee cup on the dash and the left wheel caught a little, sending everyone on a little refresher in centrifigal force as the Arrow spun almost once around off the runway.
He says the "brass in back were a little white-knuckled at this point" and demanded the name of his supervisor, but he couldn't remember how it was spelled, and he honestly can't pronounce the Boss's name (few can, Rick, but they probably knew me just by that fact), so they took his license number and left in a huff.
Rick realized two important things after the fact: 1) the pilot log did NOT recognize this as a crash, and 2) he didn't spill his coffee. He says "I LOVE flyin' here!!"
John "Loose Screws" Wilding (1121) spent a few minutes looking for R&K Skyranch on his first trip to the favorite PGA outpost this week, but reports that the flight was good... despite a "slight *incident*" involving the autopilot and the trigger-based panning feature. Something about a 160+kt nose dive being induced after he released the trigger panner, the auto pilot not being able to recover... fortunately he was cruising at 6,000 ft so had a bit of time to react and was even able to pull out in time to climb over some small mountains north of Rainier. He wanted to have the mechanic at R&K tighten the screws after that one... Um, John, a little advice here... the mechanic at R&K doesn't know right from left... get a Leatherman or Swiss Army Knife and do it yourself!
Unfortunately, Wilding also missed the cow, and the eagerly-awaited weekly barbeque was once again cancelled. The Boss wants to know how everyone expects us to remain on good terms with the fine folk out there at this rate...
Ole-Jørgen "Not That Dumb!" Søberg (1049) claims that the "lady" at SeaTac approach tried to kill him last week by instructing him to "maintain 3000" as he was leaving Ranger Creek...! He promptly cancelled vectors direct and climbed to 8000 ft as a safety precaution. We told you you should have signed her birthday card, Ole-Jørgen!
Sergey "Lucky" Ostrozhinsky (1093) had what he terms an "unfortunate" flight. First, he tried to fly pure VFR. This is not so bad, and while flying in the mountains he found it quite easy, but when he got out of the hills he found himself playing 'hide-and-seek' with landmarks. He finally gave up, opened his Directory, tuned the VOR and quickly found the airport. However, on the runway trouble was awaiting -- trouble with horns and hooves! Fortunately (?), he was having problems aligning with the runway and decided to go around... which is when he noticed his would-be bovine companion. He landed on another runway without cow or gear damage.
Now Sergey... you found the airport, you didn't suffer any systems failures, you didn't hit the cow, and you didn't bend the gear. What is so "unfortunate" about this flight? I think "fortunate" is a better word!
Carsten "MOOney" Luckman had a run-in with a cow on the runway at Sky Harbor this week. He claims he nearly crashed the Mooney (seems appropriate doesn't it?) into the poor cow which was just standing around not bothering anybody. Carsten said he would like to complain. You can complain all you like Carsten just as soon as you find someone who will listen.
We did receive a complaint here at the main PGA office from a very distraught dairy farmer who said one of our pilots scared one of his cows so badly that the poor thing won't give any milk and just stands around all day shaking and mooing quietly.
7 July 2000
Captain Joel to Interview with NWA
Word has it that PGA's own Captain Joel (1006) is gearing up for an interview with Northwest Airlines. Obviously, they are not familiar with his record with PGA for starting up his BeechJet in the hangar and flying under every bridge he comes to... see what the PGA bribe budget can do for you?
Good luck Joel! We're all crossing our fingers for you.
Münger Returns from Real Life
In response to the decree that PGA pilots are no longer allowed to have real lives, Urs Münger (1028) has returned from a long break during which he finished his real-world ATC training and PPL... congratulations Urs!
Top Pilots
Mike Mitchell (1072) was PGA's top pilot this week with 13.61 hours flown. Number two slot goes to Lars Martin Knutsen (1108)with 11.99 hours.
Keep up the good work!
Promotions
* Louis Leblond (1011) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Tony Chau (1116) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Petri Pellinen (1099) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Johan Olsson (1004) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
PGA Threatens Libel Suit Against San Jose Chronicle
PGA has threatened officially to file suit against the San Jose Chronicle this week after the appearance of yet another highly inaccurate and libelous article. Despite hard evidence to the contrary (bribes), the Chronicle continues to report that PGA is having financial difficulties and implying that business has been migrating to its competition.
Investigation into the Chronicle's owners show that certain members of the board of directors also are shareholders in PGA's main competition in the Bay Area, Oakland Air Charters. On these grounds, PGA's lawyers figure PGA could end up owning the San Jose Chronicle and OAC, and using the respective boards of directors and shareholders as line boys to clean the planes that typically come back reeking from certain missions.
Reporter Found Maimed
A reporter who stammers and repeats himself a lot was found babbling on a street corner in San Jose. He was taken to the hospital by local authorities where it was found he had suffered numerous blows to the head with what may have been a typewriter, and all of his fingers had been broken.
The reporter has been positively identified as the one who has written several articles of late about PGA being in dire financial straits.
The PGA Board of Directors and pilots do not know anything, and, in fact, are even wondering about that.
Cargo Count Coming up Short
PGA has been receiving complaints that numerous cargo shipments have been coming up short. Specific instances include a missing game controller and a missing case of wine. It is interesting to note that the relevant pilots all are under the supervision of Dave Spurlock.
If this continues, PGA will have to initiate an investigation into Spurlock's supervisory operations. Speculations around the coffeepot have Spurlock running some sort of black market business selling items his pilots skim off the tops of their loads.
PGA spokesman, Baldrick, commented that Spurlock is a nice guy who listens to his poetry. Hardly what we'd call a character recommendation...
Pilot Reports
Mike "FZZZT!" Mitchell (1072) has discovered the secret to keeping Ground control from yelling at him about not mowing the lawn... just arrange for a little radio failure just as you taxi off the runway.
Rick "Red Ear" Smith (1114) seems to think the Boss is a little harsh about checklists and not sensitive to the needs of the newer pilots who are "still a little rough." He complains that, despite her status as a seasoned pilot, she was a bit "white-knuckled." News for you, Rick -- it's BECAUSE she's a seasoned pilot it drives her buggy to have anyone else as PIC! As for the ear, put some ice on it.
Rick also lost his radio again last week, but doesn't think it was the mechanic's fault this time... he is certain the string between the two tin cans got a little tight and broke, that's all. Is this a commentary on the quality of PGA radios? You should've tried flying for BAC... THOSE were cheap radios...
(no need to point out we bought that stack of old radios from BAC, is there?)
Mark "Boob Tube" Blades (1077) decided to make use of the autopilot in the Renegade while he tuned into Geraldo on what we assume was a portable television on the way to Lake Berryessa ("big target even without NAVAIDS and it's a beautiful day..."). Fortunately, he looked up just in time to see granite clouds at his 12 o'clock, get the ALT Hold off, and pull up sharply enough to JUST miss the peaks. Having learned his lesson, he turned off the autopilot and hand flew to the pond. He says it was a fun flight... presumably because the fuel tanks remained intact this time.
Dave Keeran (1031) says the P-51 takes some getting used to... something about being "Way fast" and not liking to stop or come down. In that order, Dave? Try it the other way -- come down and THEN stop. You might find it works better.
New piot Johan "Best Glide" Olsson (1004) suffered an engine failure just north of "Bill's house," but manged to glide the 8 miles to Boeing Field where he made a bumpy but safe landing and even had just enough speed to roll off the runway and onto the taxiway. Great flying, Johan! The Boss was so impressed she didn't even grump over your taking a break until the next day.
Romeo R.A "Assumption of the Risk" Sulzer (1130) started out a bit on the uppitty side after having an engine failure on takeoff during his first flight for PGA. He said something about suing the company and maybe getting some kind of compensation or recognition for making a "hard" emergency landing on 11 at SJC. The Boss is STILL laughing...
Romeo had a fuel leak on a later flight and landed at Reid-Hillview to have it fixed by "a good mechanic." The Boss almost stopped laughing at that... Do you realize how much those mechanics cost?? Don't you know about bubble gum and duct tape? You've got a LOT to learn about being a PGA pilot, it seems...
Marek "Hic!" Gierlinski (1118) had the Boss reaching for the asprin again this week. In his own words:
"Hic! Here is your wine... Oops... Whacha saying? What? Should be ten crates? There are nine only? What? I have no idea... Hic! Leave me alone... This was very good wine... I wanna sleep now. What? Listen, I don't know anything 'bout your crate of wine, OK? Very good wine... How do I know? Well, I can read labels! Oh, hello, Bouncing Betty!... No, I haven't been drinking... What zig-zag? On final?... This was not runway? A taxiway you say? Well, does it matter? What? What you are saying about FAA? My licence? Eeee... Let me sleeeeeep......"
Richard A. "Blackmail" de Kok (1124) seems to think that Mr. Swanson the drunken ATP and maybe CFI has strings to pull that might get him a promotion sooner rather than later, and got some "compromising" photos of Mr. Swanson and his ladyfriend to ensure he followed through on the promise. The Boss was suprised to receive a call from Mr. Swanson punctuated with lots of bad words and plenty of begging and pleading to give Richard an early promotion to Private Pilot.... after that little incident back from the BAC days you'd think he wouldn't have the nerve to ever call her again....
John "Restitution" Wilding (1121) made a little detour to drop off a flight controller he "found" in his plane after SSPL8 on the way to Renton, and went to extra effort to ensure that no stray fish managed to escape their cartons. He'd best check under the seats, however, because even the little gold-colored crown air fresheners aren't doing it for the smell...
Ryan "Black & Blue" Griffin - Stegink (1009) narrowly missed submitting the final PIREP needed to pay off his overdue debt to Cutter & Associates, but failed to dodge the Boss's priming crank handle after he told her "Quickly! Do the money thingy! Make sure I'm not in debt again!" The Boss reminded him gently (no broken bones) that it's not nice to insist the Boss do anything before she's ready and has the time.
Polo "I'm Back" Villate (1023) has resurfaced after a long absence. He was spotted flying a Mr. Someshine into San Jose. There was a hushed silence as Polo walked into the PGA hanger most of the pilots just bowing and making way for the legend. Anyone not quickly getting out of Mr. Villate's way was quickly grabed and thrown out the back door into the weeds next to the P-51 which is not hidden there.
Peter "The Animal" Jensen (1048) said he might be late getting in tomorrow as he was invited to a party by Miss Torvalds and her friend Jenny. The last I heard Peter was resting comfortably at Seattle General Hospital but nobody could figure out how to get the smile off his face.
The PGA office did receive a message from Miss Torvalds saying that she really enjoyed her flight and would like to fly with Peter anytime. We also got a call from a Miss Jenny Ellison asking for Peter's home phone number. We had to tell her that we can not give out that information but did give her the PGA's VP phone number in hopes that he might be of some assistance.
12 July 2000
Holy Hangar, Batman! Machine Guns on Fokker at BFI Still Work!
PGA Pilot Geoff McLean (1071) swears he has no idea how numerous bullet holes appeared in the door of PGA's hangar at Boeing Field, despite his being the only one present at the scene. He says he was minding his own business, having a doughnut and coffee, checking the day's assignments, and noting with delight that he was to fly a crowd of "charming young children" on a series of sightseeing trips in the Fokker.
Suddenly, without warning, the guns on the Fokker went off, compelling McLean to leap into the cockpit where he figured he'd be safe. After the ammunition was spent and the dust cleared, he tried to slip out of the cockpit before anyone noticed him, but was caught by the PGA Vice President who had been napping in the rafters.
After much discussion and an incredible display of persuasiveness (Geoff could get rich as a Frigidaire salesman in the far north...), it was determined that the Fokker is, in fact, haunted, and it was the ghost who discharged the guns. News of the existence of a ghost was well-received by most seasoned PGA pilots, who consider this a fine explanation for certain other episodes past, especially ground-loops.
Geoff did go on to fly the Fokker, taking off just before the FAA (whose inspectors don't appear to believe in ghosts) got there with intent to ground the plane and inspect the guns that everyone knows have been rendered inoperative. Holes? What holes?
The Boss's only comment was something along the lines of being glad the company doesn't have any old bombers in its fleet.
Clean Planes at Sac Exec
Clean Planes Make for Happy Pilots? New pilot Romeo R.A Sulzer (1030) had a bit of down time at Sacramento Exec, and thought he'd make good use of it by washing some of the planes in the hangar. The results may be seen at right.
Romeo, while we appreciate your efforts, next time use just a little less soap, if you would...
Top Pilots
Rick Smith (1114) was PGA's top pilot this week with 10.85 hours. Romeo R.A. Sulzer (1130) came in a close number two with 10.31 hours.
Great job!
Promotions
* Dave Keeran (1031) has been promoted to Sr. Captain
* Mike Mitchell (1072) has been promoted to Sr. Captain
* Christopher Dworjan (1120) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* John Wilding (1121) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Richard A. de Kok (1124) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Romeo R.A Sulzer (1130) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Lukexcom Spotted Working for OAC??
PGA pilot Lukexcom (1039) has been missing and presumed fed to the cat since a little incident a few weeks back that ended with something that sounded a lot like him being batted around the Boss's office by Kitty. The Boss hasn't said a word, and everyone has been afraid to ask. There's also the small matter that, since this incident, the doughnuts have been fresher and HAL has hardly been heard from at all, so perhaps no one really was inclined to ask.
However, it seems there is a rumor that Luke is alive and has been flying for OAC under the name of "Klaus Steiner" (OAC#0325). Said pilot, who it is said does bear a striking resemblance to Luke wearing a pair of those glasses with attached fake nose and mustache, appears to be best known for his habit of tripping and spilling burning avgas all over people who ask too many questions.
PGA Pilot Sought re: Credit Card Fraud
Rick Smith (1114) is being sought for using a "PGA Platinum Series" credit card to purchase an expensive pair of workgloves last week to protect his delicate hands from undue wear and tear. Seeing as the only ones holding PGA credit cards of any kind are the members of the Board of Directors, Smith may have some answering to do when the Boss catches up with him.
Pilot Reports
Rick "Short Field" Smith (1114) wisely decided to use the Trainer EG on a medivac mission that involved a landing at Moskowite last week, but has decided "there's gotta be a better way" than his usual method of landing on the berm above the runway and rolling downhill to stop in a cloud of dust. Oh, c'mon Rick! That runway is a whole 2200 ft long and 80 ft wide! Full flaps, keep it slow, put it down just over the threshhold, retract the flaps on touchdown, and use the brakes. How hard can it be? Just be glad FU2/3 doesn't model MUD!
No, we're NOT purchasing a helicopter anytime soon!
Matt "The Loose Wingnut Baron" (1111) complains that one of his flights was delayed because some "Loose Wingnut" at Olympia (whom he dares to suggest may have been another PGA pilot) was not following instructions from the tower and all aircraft were required to hold landing and departures for at least seven minutes.
Interestingly, Olympia ATC tells the same story, only they believe Matt should be telling the story of the Loose Wingnut in the first person...
Sergey "One Engine" Ostrozhinsky (1093) was preflighting the Baro... er, Windhawk when he discovered that one engine was not working. Did he let this stop him? No, of course not! He simply set the propeller of the defunct engine to feather and took off, presumably with a lot of rudder. He reports the trip was just a little slower than usual. All other pilots should take a lesson from this, and especially those who complain they can't maintain altitude on one engine!
Tony "Crunch!" Chau (1116) made it an expensive week for PGA as he took the BeechJet out for the first several times. He broke the landing gear at LAS ("Damn jet drops like a rock!"), SJC ("I busted it again"), LAX ("where's Hollywood?"), and SJC again ("Thought I'd try the LAX to SJC route again in heavy thunderstorms"). Just as the Boss was about to suggest he switch to making gear-up landings instead, he finally managed to land at LAX and roll out with the plane in one piece. He followed up with another intact-gear landing at SJC ("Hey...landing this damn jet ain't so bad after all"), and the Boss has finally stopped wincing when she receives a report from him.
Richard "Alcohol Abuse" de Kok (1124) apparently keeps 12-year old single malt scotch on his plane "for medicinal purposes only", but saw fit to feed enough to two FAA inspectors to put them unconscious while he ignored the instructions of Bouncing Betty under solid IFR conditions. His supervisor, Dave Spurlock, discussed the situation with the Boss, and they concluded that such blatant alcohol abuse cannot be tolerated. Spurlock promptly confiscated all single-malt found in Richard's flight bag and plane and brought it directly to the Boss's office, where it has been secured so it can come to no further harm.*hic*
Dave "Itchy" Spurlock (1094) had the joy of transporting some exotic plants to Marin Ranch last week. While he pictured "exotic plants" to mean Birds of Paradise or orchids, he found they actually were pitcher plants, Venetian flytraps, and one that looked something like the plant (Audrey) in "The Little Shop of Horrors." Something about the latter apparently caused Dave's skin to itch so he was scratching like crazy by the time he got the plane loaded. The weather was, of course, lousy, with wind and rain. He managed to bring it in well enough so that none of the carnivorous plants complained, and was just glad the weird looking one didn't start asking him to feed it.
Geoff "DUCK!" McLean (1071) raised the Boss's eyebrow by calling the Beaver "a pig" getting into the air. Perhaps he chose that term because he managed to get the world's best bush plane stuck in the mud twice -- once on landing and once on takeoff -- and had to get out into the muck and push it off and turn it himself. Or perhaps he meant to refer to himself after having rolled around in the muck trying to get the plane to move. Either way, those who know suggest that McLean be just a little more careful of his word and phrasing choices when talking about the Beaver in earshot of the Boss, and maybe next time he'll be a little quicker to duck the priming crank handle...
Marek "Mooney Over Moskowite" Gierlinski (1118) boldly took the Mooney to Moskowite in the dark with a strong northerly wind. Five or six approaches later, he did manage to put it down "relatively safely", only scratching the right wing on the runway. Anyone interested in seeing the landing can get the BBX recording at http://www.uoks.uj.edu.pl/~uogierli/pga. See? It CAN be done! And in a Mooney, too!
Romeo "Near Miss" Sulzer (1130) had quite a start with PGA, mistaking runway 02 at Nut Tree for 20 and nearly experiencing a midair with a Trainer in the pattern. A cup of coffee (to calm his nerves) later, he was on his way to SFO, where he fell victim to the big bullies who drive 747s. A bout of severe turbulence combined with the jokes about that "huge" C-172 ("it's 42 bigger than a C-130!"), and tower telling the heavy behind him to watch for wake turbulence from the 172 left him feeling a little picked on and embarrassed. He has requested that we not send him to SFO again unless he has something bigger than the small Trainer.
In response, the Boss sent Baldrick out to measure all of the Trainers so that she can be sure to give Romeo the biggest one we have next time he goes to SFO.
John "Rats" Wilding (1121) was enjoying a peaceful and scenic flight when one of his cargo of lab rats broke free and started making its way towards freedom... via the engine compartment. One loud *KLUNK* later and the spinny-thing quit. Since Wilding had been engrossed in a recent article about Darva Conger and flying with one hand and half an eye on the horizon, it took him a couple of seconds to regather his wits and call for help. Fortunately, he was only 6 miles west of Vashon Municipal, and managed to glide in for a safe landing.
An apparent suicide note was found in one of the rat cages, denouncing laboratory testing and involuntary snake feeding. Upon tearing down the engine, he found a small monkeywrench, a ketsup wrapper from McDonalds, and a 1-inch-long rip cord. A clever escape, indeed! PGA pilots should be on the lookout for a small white rat with a grudge...
19 July 2000
Approach Controller Assaulted
Early last week, Approach Controller Elizabeth Ricochet was doused with a bucket of water as she was leaving her job at the end of the day. Apparently, the assailant was waiting for Ms. Ricochet to emerge, whereupon he flung icy water upon her and fled around the corner of the building on foot.
Despite predictions that she would melt, Ms. Ricochet was not injured in the attack. However, she had just had her hair done and witnesses state she was quite upset over the incident, spouting something about how the responsible pilot will pay. She was not available for comment prior to press time.
The police have no leads at this time. According to Sergeant Neptune with the Police Department, "the problem is Betty is pretty well-known, and just about every pilot in the area is a suspect."
Anyone with information is requested to contact Crime Blotters.
Pilots Report Approach Vectors Low
PGA pilots have been complaining all week that Bouncing Betty at Approach has been vectoring them to a position above the mountains and then instructing them to descend and maintain altitudes that are below terrain height. Most pilots have refused to comply (at least, we haven't heard from any who have complied), and the Boss has received several messages about pilots refusing to cooperate with ATC.
There has been some speculation around the coffeepot that Betty is out to get the guy who drenched her with a bucket of water early in the week, and is bent on killing pilots one by one until they're all gone, just so she is certain she gets the right guy.
PGA pilots are advised to maintain situational awareness at all times, although the Boss was heard to say something about any pilot who needs reminding that allowing himself to be vectored along below terrain height is a bad idea deserves to walk home.
Top Pilots
Mike Mitchell (1072) was PGA's top pilot last week, with 13.77 hours. Rick Smith (1114) came in a close second with 13.01 hours.
Dave Spurlock (1094) is PGA's overall top pilot, with a total of 243.45 hours flown. Lukexcom (1039) holds the number two slot with 201.26 hours. Of course, Luke has been dead for a month, so what's the rest of your excuses?
Promotions
There were no promotions this week.
Pilots Missing
Rumor Control has it that several pilots sneaked off to go fishing this week, which idea is supported by the simultaneous disappearance of several pilots and every Beaver/Muskrat in the PGA fleet (save the Boss's own personal plane).
Management would like to remind everyone that they all like fish.
Mop Bucket Missing
Whoever took the mop bucket out of the utility room, please return it next time no one is looking. Baldrick says he needs it to make coffee.
Gigantic Fireball Rocks San Francisco Bay
Multiple buildings belonging to Oakland Air Charter exploded at Oakland International last night, setting off a spectacular blaze that nonetheless was remarkably contained and selective in its destruction, according to Fire Chief Lenny Burn. "Looks to be either the work of an extremely experienced arsonist or one really lucky bastard," Burn commented.
The contents of the destroyed buildings are unknown, although an OAC representative commented emphatically that "THERE WAS NOTHING, I REPEAT, N O T H I N G, INSIDE THOSE BUILDINGS. EVER. The spokesperson then left to attend a closed emergency session of the OAC Board of Directors.
Portions of several storage buildings, nine fuel silos, and four aircraft were destroyed in the explosion. Miraculously, no one was injured or killed. There are currently no suspects, although an OAC pilot named Klaus Steiner is wanted for questioning by Oakland Police. Steiner is reported to be a white male, 6'1", tanned, with a mustache, large nose, glasses, and hair cut very short. If you see anyone fitting his description, do not approach him, but contact the Oakland Police immediately.
According to local geologists, the fault line on which Oakland International rests on has been badly shaken by the explosion, but airport manager Oscar Stritch has insisted that operations will continue uninterrupted. "We can't be shutting down the whole airport just because the next heavy to land could cause the entire place to fall into a big crack in the earth," he said in a prepared statement earlier today.
Another BAC Pilot Stumbles In
Former BAC pilot Jorge El Grande (1131) crept out of the woodwork and away from an unnamed other airline that pays less and cried when he left... apparently no one else at THAT airline could enter a loop in a Baron so close to the ground and live through it... the Boss would like to take a moment to remind all pilots that the ground is very hard and while Baron parts become cheaper with every Baron that gets scattered, whole Barons become much more expensive.
Jorge promises us tamales and homemade tortillas for the next hangar party... except we never have parties at PGA, do we?
Pilot Reports
Richard "Lucky" de Kok (1124) reports that he got invited to ride shotgun in an F-18 2-seater after flying some Brass up to McChord AFB, despite encountering some heavy turbulence enroute. His supervisor, Dave Spurlock, grumbled something about whenever HE so much as LOOKS at an Air Force plane he gets tossed in jail... interestingly, another PIREP submitted by Richard may help to explain that, particularly the bit where Walter is sticking pins in a doll that looks a lot like Spurlock...
Marek "Tick Tick" Gierlinski (1118) was "intrigued" by a container labeled "US Government" that he transported to South County last week. He says he became even more curious (and more than a little nervous) when it started to tick at about 4000 ft.... Nevertheless, Marek arrived safely at South County (where we hear he made the softest landing ever seen at that field) and was met by a guy wearing dark glasses who took the ticking container away without a word.
Tony "Flame Out" Chau (1116) was enjoying the scenic thunderstorm tour in the Beechjet under the care of Bay Approach when the Master Warning Light came on. Being a highly experienced PGA pilot, Tony immediately clued in to the fact this usually is a bad sign. Sure enough, the engines flamed out, requiring him to restart not just once but several times. In addition, he says his autopilot was screwed up and his airspeed indicator was providing inaccurate airspeed information (IAS was 245, but GS was a mere 105). He went around the first time because he ended up about 1300 ft high for the approach. By the time he got around again the approach plates no longer mattered because his engines kept cutting out so he declared an emergency and landed. The Boss has not asked after the gear yet...
Thought for the future, Tony... autopilots and severe weather do not mix well.
Dave "Run, Toto! Run!" Spurlock (1094) got fingered to give the Boss a lift from SFO to SJC in that horrible Bay Area fog and rain last week, which of course left him firmly in the clutches of the one he calls the Wicked Witch of the West... No, not the Boss -- Bay Approach!
Sure enough, his request for vectors ILS to SFO were met with vectors for the opposite direction and 6,000 ft. Betty has apparently made a favorite of Spurlock, as she sent him scurrying out of harm's way from every seagull in the area. Finally he was at 2000 ft with the ILS just off his starboard wing... but she couldn't quite bring herself to let him go, and so it was back up to 4000 ft. Eventually, he did get clearance to intercept the localizer and land. The Boss was waiting for him on the ramp, but had to laugh when he explained why he was so late.
Betty appeared pleased to have him back a few minutes later, and promptly sent him on another scenic route inspecting the interiors of clouds. Dave and the Boss both noted South County below them at one point.
Finally, he heard the words he wanted to hear: "Cessna 172N intercept the ILS for landing at runway 30L. Contact SJC Tower on 124.00. Good day." He grumbled something to the Boss about "Good day my eye. Will someone please throw a bucket of water on that woman and put her out of our misery?"
Don't worry Dave. The Boss won't say a word....
John "Dreamer" Wilding (1121) says he thinks they call it "Bumping Lake" because there are lots of things to bump into: sail boats, trees, moose, docks....
Strangely, although there is no radio out there, John swears he heard a faint voice calling out "Da plane! Da plane!" as he made his approach. He didn't think much of it until he was greeted by a distinguished-looking gentleman in a white suit who knew of John's desire to be a pilot for a virtual airline....
Jorge "Low & Slow" El Grande (1131) flew an uneventful mission delivering computers, although he was required to put on his old Navy leather flight jacket in the rareified air at 6500 ft. Landing at Olympia was no problem, but thinks got a bit strange on the ground when a green Mercedes sedan pulled across the taxiway about ten yards in front of him. Jorge wonders what the insurance agent would have said about that, but knows the guys at the body shop would have had a heart attack.
Rick "Indiana" Smith (1114) lost the engine of the Mooney on approach to Borges-Clarksburg, and managed to bring it in straight and true... only about 500 ft short of the runway. With compass and machete in hand, however, he managed to hack and crawl his way through the dense (?) undergrowth, swim through a murky stream, and emerge sweating and panting a good 5 or 6 minutes later at the C14 hangar, just in time to see that no search party had been formed. He bummed some change from the guy sitting outside swatting flies and phoned dispatch. Next time he says he'll remember to bring his bullwhip and fedora.
Interestingly, when mechanics took a look at the Mooney, they found the engine right on the front, where it always is...
Commercial Pilot Urs "Emergency" Münger (1028) had an urgent flight and, despite his not having an appropriate license or being checked out in it, took a Beechjet. Not just any Beechjet, mind you, but the nicest one on the whole ramp... which just happens to belong to Captain Joel (Urs didn't know that at the time). No worries though, because he had the foresight to take along Skippy (you know, the guy doing the maintenance on the coffee machine) as a copilot. Skippy apparently did pretty well until instead of lowering the gear he pushed the fire-extinguish buttons for both engines. So final approach was done in a glider configuration, and he says they "almost" made the runway.
He also reports something strange -- although applying full power with the AOA well in green, the ASI dropped to zero, as did the GS on the GPS. As a result, he ended up being way too fast on touchdown... at least the first out of about 8 -- he stopped counting after the third one. He skidded sideways to a stop right in front of the NWA terminal and says the plane appears to be undamaged.
Joel? You look a little pale...
Rolo "Terrain Avoidance" Mace (1038) requested vectors ILS from Bouncing Betty, who promptly vectored him over the mountains and told him to descend and maintain 2000... we hear Rolo gave her a piece of his mind after that, but we want to know how much longer it was before he was finally vectored in and allowed to intercept the ILS?
Andy "Buzz" Booth (1046) enjoyed the challenge of carting Greenpeace activists around to various reservoirs in the Bay Area so they could collect water samples. He says it took three attempts at landing at some reservoirs, but "what a buzz!" Hmmm... we're starting to wonder what's in the water there, too.
Sergey "Bark!" Ostrozhinsky (1093) likes dogs, but not dogs that bark all the time. He was so tired of the ceaseless barking that he made some miscalculations on the approach to Whidbey... he thought the trees around the runway were bigger than usual, but BUMP! it was a narrow runway, not tall trees. On a happy note, the dogs both fell off the seats with their noses down and stopped barking. He says only when the car that picked them up was driving off did he hear a couple of shy barks...
26 July 2000
McLean Wins Blackadder's Challenge & Trainer
In an amazing demonstration of mental agility and piloting prowess, pilot Geoff McLean (1071) won Blackadder's Challenge 2000 by a wide margin, cutting out all other contenders to take the prize of Blackadder's Trainer of Ill Repute.
The news that Geoff had undertaken the Challenge was enough to discourage anyone else from even considering participating... either that or everyone else took a look at the logs for Blackadder's Trainer prior to accepting the challenge...
We would like to congratulate Captain Blackadder on his innovative method of getting rid of the old crate. Well done! Have some coffee, extra frothy.
Cruel Hoax - Decaf Substituted for Real Coffee at BFI
A plague of sleepy and irritable pilots hit BFI last week, to the point where Rod was kept so busy dragging sleeping pilots out to their planes that he almost didn't have time to piddle on the legs of various FAA-types who were hanging about. The Boss (who hitched a ride to BFI at the beginning of the week and was feeling a bit tired and crabby herself) realized that this went far beyond simple Lazy Pilot Syndrome (LPS) and began looking for a reason.
After some careful testing, it was determined that the coffee in the pot in the hangar was, in fact, decaf.
"It explains everything," the Boss said when relating the discovery to fellow PGA director Michael Richards. "The drop in hours, the crankiness of certain pilots, and the inability of Rod to wake some pilots even after dragging them to their planes by the scruff of the neck."
Emergency supplies have been procured, and IV drips of espresso have been started on some of the more serious cases. The Boss expects productivity and hours to double next week.
Top Pilots
Dave Spurlock (1094) was PGA's top hours pilot this week, with 15.87 hours flown. Rick Smith (1114) came in at number two with 12.41 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock (1094) remains in first place with 259.32 PGA hours flown. Lukexcom holds in second with 201.26 hours.
Promotions
* Rick Smith (1114) has been promoted to Captain
* Andy Booth (1046) has been promoted to ATP
* Marek Gierlinski (1118) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Richard A. de Kok (1124) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Romeo R.A Sulzer (1130) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Jorge El Grande (1131) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Kim Mølgaard (1021) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Doug Davis (1043) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Bergman Receives Severed Horse Head
Daniel Bergman (1055) was all set for a good night's sleep in the back of his plane when he discovered someone had put a severed horse head under his blanket.
"Nyaugh," Bergman was heard to say. "Retch, ugh, oooooohhhhhh..." he continued. He then stumbled to someone else's plane and passed out. It is not known if he left the rest of his dinner inside or outside said plane, nor yet whose plane it was.
One of the maintenance crew came around and woke Bergman, and they went back to his plane to have a look before calling the police. Light of day revealed that the severed head was, in fact, from a hobby horse, and that it had been drenched in ketsup prior to being tucked under Bergman's blanket. The police were not called.
The Coffeepot Crew suspects some connection to comments made by Bergman earlier this week regarding Cutter & Associates being "slow" about approving his loan. Mr. Cutter's response to questions about the company's involvement were met with a raised eyebrow and the subsequent completely accidental explosion of the questioning junior reporter's car outside in the parking lot. "Coincidences happen," Cutter was heard to say.
Luke Mysteriously Reappears... er, Never Disappeared
Lukexcom (1039), who was missing and presumed fed to Kitty, has been spotted flying missions as per normal... or at least whatever passes for normal whenever Luke is involved. The Boss would like to "remind" all pilots that Luke was never gone, nobody noticed him missing, and so far as you know he's been flying as per normal.
Everybody got that? You too, Baldrick? Good.
Pilot Reports
Luke-"Flight of Fancy"-xcom (1039) reports he was distracted during a flight in a randomly-selected Beechjet when he got arguing with Major Payne over military counterattack plans. As he argued, he forgot to deploy the landing gear on approach to Travis, but noticed JUST in time to go around, albeit coming perilously close to scraping the belly of the expensive and pristine jet. He says Bouncing Betty tried to bounce him around a bit until he reminded her of the generous... oh, excuse us, VERY generous "Birthday Present" he gave her and typed in the "secret military transponder code" he always uses that he says means he never gets to see Santa Rosa or South County while trying to get from Travis AFB to San Jose.
Interestingly, other PGA pilots who were airborne at that time heard the ensuing interactions between Luke and Betty, and were impressed to hear the code the two have worked out between them... apparently "Fly heading 030, climb and maintain 7000" means "fly direct San Jose, I'll get everyone out of your way", and "monitor altitude, monitor heading" messages mean "nice job, you're doing just what I want."
Luke's charmed life doesn't stop there, however...! At SJC, he noticed the gear dropped VERY slowly, and Tower started "screaming for a go-around" as, presumably, his gear was not down. However, he remained stubborn and proceeded with the approach, muttering something about how tower should "try to look the other way" when he lands. The gear made it into the "down and locked" position just in time for touchdown. As he exited the plane, he heard the air escaping from the tires, looked up at the tail number, and suddenly realized why there had been pictures of roller coasters all over the panel...
Fredric "Clean Plane" Tai (1065) reports that the dogs were not nearly so noisy as the people he picked up from Renton, but at least the people didn't mess up the plane quite so badly!
Mike "Leisure Suit" Mitchell (1072) says he's on vacation, but made especially certain to emphasize to the Boss that he is NOT, repeat, NOT going fishing...
The Boss has chosen to believe this means he's going crabbing and will therefore bring her back a nice big king crab...
Rick "AAAAAAAA!" Smith (1114) made it into Moskowite last week by following the Boss's advice, and says everything went smooth as glass. For the benefit of all new pilots, he reports that shutting his eyes and screaming as he made the approach to a two-wheeled, three-bump landing really did make all the difference in the world, and that he'll never doubt the Boss again. That implies that you doubted her to begin with, Rick... I'd lay low for a while if I were you.
John "Critter Enemy #1" Wilding (1121) says the lobsters knew something was up; they were very quiet the whole trip. In retrospect, he believes it may have been a mistake to leave that book, "1001 Great Lobster Dishes" under the front seat, but in the wake of the recent rat incident he was careful to keep an eye out for potential escapees and made it safely to his destination. However, he is continuing to sleep with one eye open and a dish of melted butter and a fork in hand.
Frank "Understatement" Klesnik III (1123) reports that he had "low visibility" for SSPL13, and "low visibility, strong turbulence" for SSPL14. We have to wonder what about the flight he isn't telling us... he's normally so quiet that it must have been an extraordinary flight for him to comment at all! Seems there must be more to the story than that.... Let the coffeepot speculations begin!
Richard "Trauma" de Kok (1124) flew some supplies out to Lake Cushman for a little building project, and claims he broke his back loading and unloading and broke his tongue trying to pronounce "Myhrvold." As he was preparing to leave, there was an accident involving a radial saw that left one of the workers in dire shape. Richard made a record-breaking flight back to Sea-Tac... unfortunately, it was too late -- his passenger had gone on to the big construction site in the sky.
Recognizing the emotional distress that comes with having a passenger die in one's plane, PGA has appointed Baldrick as the official counselor to assist pilots to cope with these situations. Richard, you are to report to Baldrick for counseling as soon as possible...
Dave "Maintain WHAT?" Spurlock (1094) apparently was another intended victim of the Wicked Witch of the West's vendetta against all Bay Area pilots. She vectored him well east of the Bay for an ILS approach, and just south of Livermore told him to descend and maintain 5,000. There are some hills in that area that top 4,000 ft, but he cautiously complied. Then it came: "descend and maintain 4,000." He refused, citing terrain at that level, but she didn't acknowledge his calls. Finally, still without acknowledging his calls, she gave him 5,000, with which he gladly complied.
However, a few minutes later, she apparently decided Spurlock must have been the one with the bucket of water and tried it again. After arguing with her (if it could be called an argument), he finally reached the area around Reid-Hillview and was able to comply with her altitude instructions. All PGA pilots are again reminded to pay attention to where you're at, even (and especially) in thick IMC!
Apparently Jorge "Sinker" El Grande (1131) made his usual kind of run (firewall power setting and 500 ft) to Coupeville Nolf and was suprised to a paved runway... freshly paved on a hot day, in fact. When he landed he promptly sank into about three feet of wet asphalt. He called his supervisor, Dave "No Sympathy" Spurlock, to tell him the plane was trashed and his shoes were ruined, and to ask him to send someone out to bring him a new aircraft after the asphalt dries.
Spurlock gave Jorge a lesson in the harsh realities of being a PGA pilot, giving him instructions for getting the plane out of the asphalt: "Quick before the asphat sets, rig a dead lift hitch on one of the numerous trees around the airfield. There are several nice ones there if I recall. If some one has a 4 X 4 with a winch, use that to winch the plane free. If not any car will do. Jack the car so its drive wheels are off the ground. Remove one tire. Find an empty tire rim and put it on. Run the rope through the hitch and wrap it twice around the tire rim in the same direction the wheel rotates. Then get someone to pull on the end of the rope as another gives the gas slowly. That should winch the plane free. Once its free clean it up, repair any sructural damage with the duct tape and bailing wire I know 5LG has in it and get on your way."
Spurlock then reminded him that he's not in the military anymore, and that PGA pilots must take care of his own field repairs. Management is considering putting Dave in charge of morale....
Bjørn "Oh?" Henjum (1044) made his first flight in several weeks, and says it's good to be in the air again. He also was heard to remark that the Baro... er, Windhawk is a great plane when nothing goes wrong. Now, is this to say nothing went wrong, or is it the case that everything went wrong and he wishes it hadn't?
Marek "Invisible" Gierlinski (1118) came into Parret in that solid IFR zero visibility that has become the favorite weather of all PGA pilots. He was checking his chart for an alternate airport when conditions lifted just enough for him to spot the runway lights. A steep turn, a dive for the runway accompanied by screams of passengers, and he landed safely at Parret where visibility promptly dropped to where he couldn't even find the taxiway. He pulled over at the end of the runway, and when last seen his passengers were stumbling their way into the fog, looking for the FBO. The Boss got a call about a pilot having lost some passengers up by Parret, but her view is if he got them on the ground at the right airport, that's the extent of PGA's responsibility.
Dick "Splash" Lisboa (1027) had the dubious honor of carting around a bunch of Greenpeace activists who are concerned about the quality of water in certain reservoirs in the Bay Area. He reports back: "Greenpeace will never hire us again... At least those guys took a bath once in life..."
Geoff "Grrr!" McLean (1071) took some Microserf lawyers for a ride through FU3 land, and says they commented repeatedly on how nice the scenery was. One lawyer commented that they should buy LGS, but the others informed him that LGS is dead and buried, whereupon they all snickered and took another sip on their martinis. Geoff grumbled about "heartless bastards" and wished he could've dumped 'em out at 10,000 ft, but he refrained. And we're sure that he could not have found any smoother air for them to fly in...
Kim "Grumpy" Mølgaard (1021) grumbles that he missed R&K Skyranch ("you call that an airport??") twice before he found "that little patch of grass" and says his backyard is easier to land in. Then, an engine failure and a radio stack failure later, he was complaining that maintenance on his plane might have to be stepped up, even though he managed to land at Port Angeles in a strong crosswind without losing anything of the wingtips. Welcome to PGA, Kim, where the unofficial motto is "if it glides, it's airworthy."
3 August 2000
Cutter Obtains Beechjet
Guido has informed us that Mr. Cutter has acquired a BeachJet for his personal use. The plane was repossessed from an OAC pilot who was constantly late in his payments. The pilot is in the ICU at Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose and could not be reached for comment. The plane has now been painted jet black with a large gold C&A logo on the tail and the motto "You Can Run but You Can't Hide" in gold script along the sides. Guido said the hardest thing in refitting the aircraft for Mr. Cutter's use was finding the large whitewall tires and fitting the twin 50 cal machine guns under the wings. After inspecting the BeechJet FAA inspectors were asked about the addition of the machine guns. The inspector's only comment was "what machine guns?". Apparently even the highly tinted windows were not a problem.
In flying with Mr. Cutter the PGA VP has reported that Bay Approach always give Mr. Cutter's plane priority and clears whatever altitude he requests of other traffic. The towers at both San Jose and Boeing Field give him straight in approaches and "Number one, cleared to land" whenever they here his tail number of "IMN01" over the radio. Also it seems Mr. Cutter's jet is the only one allowed to land at San Jose after the 11:00 PM curfew.
When asked, Guido speaking for Mr. Cutter, said that the plane was something that Mr. Cutter has been planning for quite some time and when this one became available he decided to keep it. There have been a few pilots that owed money to Cutter and Associates and have tried to get away from their responsibilities by air. This has caused Mr. Cutter a great deal of concern and more than a little trouble requiring the use of Mr. Cutter's extensive world wide affiliates to find these dead beat pilots. With the new aircraft Mr. Cutter will be able to chase down most of these pilots himself and more quickly remind them of their obligations. For those very few pilots that have loans out on BeechJets themselves Mr. Cutter is in negotiations to purchase a use F14 from good friend he has in the navy.
Top Pilots
Despite a transparent attempt by his supervisor to have an accidental typo up his hours by about 30, Geoff McLean is NOT last week's top pilot. Not by a long shot. Nice try, Chris... trying to make your team look better than they are. ;)
Last week's top pilot was Rick Smith (1114) with 11.15 hours, and Kim Mølgaard (1021) was number two with 8.54 hours. Great job!
Overall, Dave Spurlock (1094) holds the number one position with a total of 265.12 hours, with Luke still at number two with 201.26 hours only because his supervisor has been distracted and hasn't turned in hours for a couple of weeks... it will be interesting to see where the chips fall after next week...
Promotions
* Steve Wilson (1128) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Bill Woodford (1129) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Kim Mølgaard (1021) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations!
"Gateway" Aircraft Identified
A report released this week has pointed to Cessna and Piper as being the two largest causes of chronic flight addiction and pilot-related mania.
"Most pilots start out as casual fliers in single-engine Cessnas or Pipers," stated Dr. Fabulist Vecordious, Professor of Hebetation at Ylem University. "From there, the trend is to progress to larger, more powerful planes. At that point there are many paths the addiciton may take, some leading to acrobatic planes; some leading to twins, turboprops, and even large jets (e.g. 757); and, in the worst case, some leading to privately-owned helicopters. Along the way, it's not uncommon for the pilot to turn to instructing as a way to support his or her habit."
Dr. Vecordious says families can recognize impending chronic flight addiction by looking for the following signs:
* Seems withdrawn, distracted, and careless about personal grooming
* Becomes hostile and uncooperative when hasn't flown for a few days
* Relationships with other family members have deteriorated
* Dropped his/her old friends
* Attendance at Wednesday night bowling or bingo irregular
* Lost interest in hobbies, sports, and other favorite activities
* Eating or sleeping patterns changed (gets up early to get in an hour of flight time before work)
* Appearance of airplane clothing accessories such as ties, tie-tacks, cuff-links, scarves, earrings, pins, etc.
* Looks up every time an airplane passes
If a loved one shows two or more of these signs, give up and let them go -- it's too late already.
Elvis Sightings Linked Cataracts
The editor of the San Jose Inquisitor, John Lism, has been diagnosed with cataracts. Interestingly, the cataracts have taken on the distinctive shape of Elvis's profile, causing him to see Elvis everywhere he goes.
Mr. Lism is resting comfortably at home and charging $10 per person to see the likeness of Elvis on his corneas.
Pilot Reports
Jorge "Wrong Airport" El Grande (1131) had a bit of an embarrassing situation on his way to McChord AFB. He listened to ATIS, called up Tower, and got clearance to land on Rwy 34. He made a "somewhat smooth landing" and as he was clearing the runway noticed the runway seemed a little small... and there was an utter lack of C-5 Galaxies on the ramp... and there was no control tower... He checked his map and was dismayed to discover he'd actually landed at Pierce County. Oops. He immediately got back on the runway, took off, called tower, and landed smoothly at McChord where the angry General informed him he was 4 minutes and 4.483858 seconds late. However, Jorge managed to smooth things over by giving over the controls for a few minutes, and later taxiing right up onto the bank from the water to drop the General off at the door of the FBO.
Jorge, I'm getting a LOT of experience with military controllers these days, and somehow it doesn't suprise me a bit that he didn't even notice you weren't in the pattern when he cleared you to land.
Rodney "Speedy" Marcotte (1133) came in high over Easton State and had to make a fast descent. Unfortunately, he lowered the flaps at much too high an airspeed and damaged them so they would not extend. It took him two times around to bleed off enough speed to land the Trainer, but he did get it down safely and (everyone pay attention!) managed to con a mechanic into fixing the jammed flaps for free.
Like a true PGA professional, Fred "Zen" Brubaker (1033) was more concerned about the plane than himself, and reported what mattered most to the Boss: "Terrible landing. Plane OK." Fred showed more of the "right stuff" in his next mission: "Lost attitude indicator shortly after takeoff. Fortunatly clear skies and a half empty cup of coffee got me through..." The Boss is impressed by his ability to hold the coffee level in the cup... what happened to your turn & slip indicator?
Geoff "Put it WHERE?" Mclean (1071) continues to show exceptional promise as a career PGA pilot, and his supervisor says he has no doubt that Geoff will join the PGA "Hall of Fame" one day and be banned from flying by the FAA. Geoff is the sort of pilot the Boss likes... totally skint and therefore "willing" to fly in any conditions: "What a night flight! Snow, rain, visibility about 1/2 mile." He also always manages to show the utmost respect for our esteemed customers: "It was a tight squeeze for the two twits with the briefcase." And, of course, all FAA regulations are considered sacred: "Betty bounced us around for 6 attempts. Finally in true PGA fashion I told her where she could put her localizer, and went on in."
Romeo "Message for the Boss" Sulzer (1130) experienced a "horror takeoff" (is that a standard PGA procedure?) at Apex Airpark when he lost controll of the aircraft at 45 kts during the takeoff roll, slid off the runway, and crashed (the Boss's least favorite word) into some trees. He said "some parts of the right wing came off (ok ok the whole right wing broke off)" and, having learnt his lesson over the last bent plane, he tried to repair it with duct tape. Not being familiar with the accepted method of reinforcing such repairs with broom handles, it didn't work. Fortunately, he was able to bribe a local mechanic into fixing it for some of the fish in his cargo. Unfortunately, the people at Renton who were waiting for the fish are accountants and called the Boss to ask about the three missing fish. Fortunately, the Boss thought quickly and got on them about the plane's missing wing. They haven't called back.
Romeo also scored a call to the Boss from the FAA after he flew some "annoying FAA inspectors" up to Paine Field in "almost none" visibility (I'm sure that term is in the PGA manual) that had him under control of everyone's favorite lady. Unable to stand having the FAA literally breathing down his neck for a moment longer than he had to, he boldly ignored Betty's demands and intercepted the ILS on his own. Tower cleared him to land on 16L, but as he was on the approach to 16R (16L doesn't have an ILS and we assume no mention of a sidestep procedure) he just landed and contacted ground and taxied to the ramp. Tower didn't complain to him, but that's only because they were on the phone to the PGA office. A few minutes later, the FAA inspectors were on the other line. Baldrick handled both calls with his usual aplomb, and the question of Romeo's license remains a question...
New pilot Bill "Long Final" Woodford (1129) was enjoying the scenery as he made a day VFR flight over the Bay in good weather using that Stealth (tm) autopilot system installed in 5LG. He reports his landings are getting better (less bouncing) as he's extended his final approach leg to about 3/4 of a mile, but then comments he's looking forward to completing the student missions so he can fly a faster plane. We wonder how long his final approach will be for the Mooney...
Jon"whoneedswheels"biggles (1079) reappeared on the scene after a long break, showing up at the hangar looking worn and haggard and muttering incoherent things about a hotel room and a bunch of models for Victoria's Secret. He says the weather was pretty hairy, and he seemed to just "run out of power" at the end of the flight. This made for a rough landing that left the wheels off in the ditch, but comments that's really happened too many times to be particularly noteworthy.
Rick "Bribery?" Smith (1114) managed to keep the gear intact (for a change) in an emergency landing after an engine failure, and some say this fact eased his promotion to Captain considerably. However, in honor of his captain's wings and his clean, white captain's shirt, he went out and got his shoes shined... he insists he paid cash, but the Boss is wondering about this crate she received from him containing a new priming crank handle with a mother-of-pearl grip....
Ty Peres (1119) says we need to have a meeting with the air traffic contollers at Paine Field, as he was on final to the RIGHT runway and just as he was going to touch down a 747 took off opposite direction from the same runway. Gee, we don't understand... the 747 captain said he was taking off from the LEFT runway...
Ryan "After All That" Griffin - Stegink (1009) had the joy of flying an FAA inspector in the right seat... a situation the Boss tries to avoid given that Ryan is possibly slightly underage to hold a commercial ticket. Apparently the FAA guy was saying things like 'you've never crashed before, have you?' and 'what if the engine quits, do you know what to do?' Ryan decided to ignore him, flipped on the autopilot, and started reading his summer-reading textbook, "A Short History of Biology" by Isaac Asimov, about halfway up to Napa. Then he pretended not to notice Betty calling to hand him off to Travis Approach, and made the guy point it out to him.
About five miles out of Napa (at 4000 feet), the FAA inspector suggested they might want to start descending. Ryan peeked his nose over the top of the book, then shrugged his shoulders. He calmly placed the book into his lap, then suddenly had the autopilot off, the speedbrakes on, the gear down, and the flaps at about half, all within about five seconds of dropping the book. They descended "like a bat out of hell" and "nearly broke something, I'm sure," but Ryan says it was worth it to see the look on this guy's face. As they neared the runway, Mr. FAA winced and requested a full stop so he could leave his lunch on the runway.
Ryan resumed his reading for the leg to San Jose. However, just east of Reid-Hillview, he heard a chinking noise up front. It got louder until the engine finally quit and Ryan let forth a string of filth from his mouth as he never has done before. Since they were at 6000 ft and about four miles from the runway, Ryan wasn't worried about missing the airport -- he was worried about missing the runway. He put the gear down to speed his descent, looped around the south end of the field, entered a right downwind for the runway turned to base, lined up, realized he was too fast, popped the spoilers and put in full flaps, landing with plenty of airspeed about 2/4 of the way down the strip. He had enough momentum to taxi to the end of the runway and turn left onto the taxiway... where he promptly ran into a 172 waiting for takeoff clearance.
A moment of silence for Ryan's Mooney, please... and quit that sniggering!
Urs "Mud" Münger (1028) was flying happily towards Marin when the first hiker he picked up decided to start playing with the mixture control. The engine quit and Urs couldn't get it restarted. So he called an emergency (which he says is the most important thing to know when flying for PGA -- you didn't think it was flying, did you???) and got nice vectors to Buchannan and a direct approach to Rwy 27R. Unfortunately, he was a bit pessimistic about his altitude and crossed the threshhold at 1000 ft. He says the good news is he still touched down at the beginning of the runway... just it was 14L instead of 27R. The plane was not damaged, although it got stuck in the mud at the end of the runway. On the bright side, Urs says this will be good PR for PGA, because he was flying the special edition Mooney and it will be stuck there for several days just under short final where everyone can see it.
You're right Urs... we couldn't ask for a more eye-catching advertisement... but the extra money you wanted in your paycheck is going to keep someone out there polishing the plane so the words "Pier Glass Aviation" are clearly visible!
Dave "Zzzzzz..." Spurlock (1094) was awakened at 02:30 after not enough sleep with an order to take some guys with money to Vegas. He says when he got to the FBO he found "three drugstore cowboys and one genuine one." They had done all the damage they cared to in San Jose, and were keen to get a start on Las Vegas.
The weather was dark, no moon and overcast low ceiling that blotted out the stars. The four companyeros sat in the back passing around a bottle of Jack Daniels while Dave concentrated on getting them where they were going. Eventually, the three drugstore cowboys passed out and "Tex" came up to the right seat to visit for a bit. Fortunately, he managed to keep from bumping anything important and eventually fell asleep, leaving Dave with an easy and uneventful flight. He landed and awakened his passengers, who seemed totally recharged and ready to get to it. Tex shook Dave's hand, complimented his flying, and passed him a $1000 bill as a tip.
So what does Dave do in Las Vegas with an unexpected $1000? He secures the plane, arranges service, finds transport to the nearest cheap hotel, and passes out from exhaustion. That's our Dave.