News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
August 2000 - October 2000
8 August 2000
Jet Engine Missing
The jet engine that has resided in the PGA Broom Closet since sometime around The First Not-a-Non-Party has disappeared. The Boss discovered its lack of presence when she went looking for a broom with which to whack a slow-moving pilot. Several months ago, a bunch of not entirely sober pilots pulled the engine off of one of the Beechjets and hid it in the closet as a practical joke on the plane's owner. No one is entirely sure how they managed to get the engine IN the closet, as no one was able to get it out again despite numerous attempts. The Boss specifically decided against tearing apart that portion of the hangar because it would require removal of a major structural member and the integrity of the Hangar would be comprimised.
After surveying the situation, the Boss retreated into her office, printed up a sign, and hung it on the relevant support: DO NOT LEAN AGAINST THIS BEAM
All pilots and employees are cautioned to heed this warning, as you really don't want to be the one to bring the hangar down.
Joel Pays off Jet
After over a year of making payments (dating back from his days with BAC), Joel Rogers (1006) has finally made the final payment on his BeechJet, and hereby owns it free and clear. Congratulations, Joel! When's the party?
Top Pilots
This week's top pilot is Dave Spurlock (1094), who flew an incredible 34.12 hours in a single week. Way to go, Dave!
The number two pilot was Romeo Sulzer (1130) with 11.82 hours, followed by Rick Smith (1114) with 8.19 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock is way out in front with a total of 299.24 hours, with Lukexcom (1039) trailing behind at 229.27 hours.
Great job everyone!
Promotions
* Joseph Hallstein (1022) has been promoted to Senior Captain
* Fredric Tai (1065) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Jorge El Grande (1131) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Karl (1132) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Rodney Marcotte (1133) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Eric Howey (1025) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Cristian Arezzini (1032) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Seattle Competition?
The Boss has received reports of a prospective new airline in the Seattle area, called "Weasel Aviation." All in all, it's a mysterious outfit, and no one seems to know much about it other than it has rented an office and hired a receptionist who never turns around and doesn't appear to say much.
There are some rumors that Weasel may be acquiring Pacific North West Air Charters (PNWAC) in a hostile takeover, and will thence become PGA's primary competition in the Seattle area. PGA management has developed a strategy to keep PGA pilots from migrating to the new airline, mostly involving keeping them in the air enough where they don't have time or energy enough to be applying at other places.
As an aside, any pilots caught having traitorous (an ill-defined and arbitrary term subject to interpretation by any member of PGA management) thoughts will be chased down the runway with a priming crank handle or other implement of destruction.
PGA wishes Weasel Aviation well in its endeavor, and we look forward to... er, meeting you in the skies above Seattle.
PGA Starts New Kamikaze Division
PGA management has unveiled a plan for a new Kamikaze division of the company that will be dedicated to keeping the skies free and clear of hazards like mountains, radio towers, buildings, and competing aircraft.
As planned, induction into the Kamikaze ranks will be strictly on a volunteer basis, and any pilot may opt to volunteer at any time (such as the split second before colliding with any of the aforementioned hazards). A successful mission will bring honor and glory upon the pilot, and maybe even a bonus. However, it should be noted that to be considered for a bonus the target must, in fact, be completely destroyed.
Pilot Reports
Rick "Barnstormer" Smith (1114) says the Fokker will almost do a hammerhead stall, but it doesn't handle worth beans on an inverted pass at 100 ft. He offers a bit of advice to all the other barnstormers out there... "if you don't stow your coffe mug, she's gonna go..."
Is THAT what that stain is, Rick?
Jorge "Crash" El Grande (1131) had his first engine failure in a PGA aircraft (specifically, a Mooney) this week... welcome to the club, Jorge! He called in to his supervisor to let him know he'd just talked to the NTSB, the FAA, a county sheriff, and some woodsman named Vern, then apologized for not calling in sooner.
Apparently the story is he took off from Skykomish and set the autopilot so he would clear the mountain peaks ahead. About one minute later, the engine began to lose power, and within seconds had discontinued operation. The plane sank quickly, and he was not able to avoid a collision with a particularly obstinate mountain. The wings separated from the fuselage and the tail section was severed behind the passenger compartment. He was not seriously injured, but he did lose a few items, including his personal K Bar Marine Corps fighting knife he got from a grunt in the Philippines (not to worry, he has another one); a Jimmy Buffet tape he presumes was left in the plane by another pilot; a book about roller coasters ("go figure"); a tool box labeled "Pier Glass Aviation Aircraft Minor Major Repair Kit" which contained a roll of duct tape, some scissors, bailing wire, and a socket set. The two boxes of cargo which were to be delivered to Apex airpark also were lost.
He was a bit worried about what happens next, this being his first mishap resulting in the total loss of the plane and cargo. Rightly so, the Boss says. Fortunately, PGA has exceptionally good insurance to cover such mishaps, and so long as you walk away and pack out the pieces of plane and cargo (so the insurance company can count them) the whole thing will be paid in full...
You DID bring the plane back, didn't you?
John "Fly VFR" Wilding (1121) felt some pressure to get to Bandera State before nightfall because "finding any kind of runway there under [dark, bad weather] conditions is impossible." Presumably he found a runway, however, and even managed to miss the cow, so how bad could it have been? After picking up the frozen meat cargo, however, he made the grave error of asking for vectors ILS from approach (which, he says, couldn't be more of a misnomer). Eventually he cancelled IFR and flew VFR into BFI, since he was low on fuel and quite hungry. He said not to worry about the meat thawing, because he figured it was pretty well cooked by the time he got into BFI... and he spent the following morning washing out his plane (again).
Romeo "Boss's Pet" Sulzer (1130) made himself really popular around the hangar by suggesting (within the Boss's earshot) that PGA should require more landings and takeoffs at tiny airstrips so the newer pilots may gain more experience....
He says he had some trouble himself finding some of the airstrips like Sky Harbour and Green Valley, but still made the entire FedEx run in under an hour. Not bad... now if you could just keep that pace up for another 17 hours out of every day....
Rodney "Phew!" Marcotte (1133) is looking for a good disinfectant to get the fish smell out of his plane. Veteran PGA pilots suggest he simply learn to hold his breath, because if he thinks fish is bad....
Fredric "Oh really?" Tai (1065) says he was "Very well treated by Mrs. Witherwood" and wished he had the time to stay longer... hmmmmm....
Marek "The Man Who Knew Too Much" Gierlinksi (1118) read the profile for his next mission and decided that landing at an abandoned airport would require a special plane. So he chose the Renegade (his favorite) because it can land virtually anywhere. Actually, all of the PGA planes can and do land virtually anywhere... but that's another reality.
Marek was suprised to find the abandoned airfield to be long, wide, and in good condition, and commented that one probably could land a Concorde there... or almost, anyway. He picked up his passenger and regretted it, as the rest of the flight was him listening to this guy's life story. He assures us we don't want to know it... in fact, Marek doesn't want to know it either and wishes he could forget everything. In fact, some strangers were lurking in the shadows around his house the next night....
Ok, Marek, the Boss has the message... if you disappear, call Travis and cite the code "Montezuma 14"... hey, isn't that the code name for the lawsuit PGA has pending against them?
Dave "Argh!" Spurlock (1094) had the great joy and pleasure of hauling the Boss's relatives off on a camping trip... and back again. The Boss suggests his first clue should have been that the Boss was not accompanying them.... They arrived with more gear than would fit in the plane, an unrestrained animal (aside from the kids) the size of a small pony, and unending complaints. They even called the Boss to complain that Dave was telling them to put the dog in a cage and get rid of a lot of their gear, whereupon the Boss cheerfully thanked her lucky stars that she had administrative stuff keeping her at SJC, and told them Dave was P.I.C. (Pilot In Command) so they would just have to cope with that.
They got the load whittled down to just above max gross weight and took off. Of course it began to rain. They arrived at Great Falls and set out on their adventure, but called Dave back the next day to take them back to SJC (which delighted the Boss no end). On the return, the kids let the dog loose. It promptly bit Dave and he was obliged to knock it unconscious.
The resulting complaints to the Boss started a fight that resulted in that whole branch of the family swearing never to speak to her again.
Dave reportedly found a bottle of Lagavulin in the left seat of his Trainer the next morning.
Sergey "Living Dangerously" Ostrozhinsky (1093) says he enjoys the canyon runs in the Seattle area... even when he needs to find the right canyon in the fog (he thinks VFR flight in the fog is funny)... even when his passenger shouts something loud and rude (Sergey told him to fasten his seatbelt so he would not fall out)... even when there are strange sounds coming from the back seat ("ah, this is another passenger, I forgot...")....
21 August 2000
Boss Is Missing (again)
The Boss after throwing the PGA books at the VP headed out for parts unknown. All she was heard to say was "Oh no, not again" as jumped in her plane. Rumor has it that there is more trouble at Travis AFB (see below) and she has headed off the find the PGA lawyers. NO, there will NOT be NO parties while she is gone. Is that clear?
Terror at Travis
I can't even begin to explain this one so I will just report it in the pilots (Jorge El Grande #1131) own words:
Ok, I don’t exactly know who to yell and scream at, so I choose you, my supervisor, because you are the closest outlet. Any angry words contained in this PIREP should not be taken personally.
I am sending this message from Nut Tree, not Travis AFB. I will explain. The mission said to fly from Oakland to Boony Doon at night, with all lights and radios off, and to fly really low. You know me, I accepted this challenge with glee. Nothing like breaking the FAR’s! So I picked up this weird Asian dude there. He was dressed all in black pajamas and carried a big canvas satchel. I was a little skeptical when the mission called for flying at an altitude of less than 1000 AGL. I stayed at about treetop level the whole flight. I raised my seat up all the way and I so I would not see the panel. I navigated by the stars because the instrument panel lights blinded me just enough to obscure my view of the ground, illuminated only by the pale moonlight. It was just like the Navy days. I expertly followed the contour of the hills and mountains. One other thing was like the Navy that I would soon realize.
My passenger stayed quiet for the most part. He held his satchel tight and stared ahead with no expression on his face. As we approached Travis, his eyes widened and he started yelling things in Vietnamese. That’s when I knew I was dealing with a modern day Viet Cong. He said something in English about avenging his father’s death. I told him politely that I would not take him to the airbase until he became a little less violent. I don’t think he understood me very well because he produced an AK-47 from his satchel and stuck the end of the barrel in my side. I tried to get on the radio to warn Travis Tower, but he shot out the radios with a Soviet pistol before I could pick up the mike and hit the avionics power. I had my trusty K-Bar at my side, but I was not about to get in a knife fight at an altitude of 300 feet. So I over flew the Travis flight line, about to set up my approach. He then shot out the window and I thought he would jump, but instead he tossed something out. A few seconds later, something exploded right in the middle of a group of C-5’s. He ordered me to land, which I did. He had me taxi over behind a C-5 as all sorts of MP Humvees and jeeps and trucks approached. He got out with his satchel and ran into the darkness. I saw flashing lights and muzzle flashes coming toward me, so I gave it full throttle, and took off between a bunch of cargo jets. I headed north at low level, trying to evade any pursuing fighters. I saw the lights of Nut Tree in the distance and decided to lay low over there. As I approached the airfield, I noticed a series of explosions back toward Travis.
I stopped by the avionics shop over at Nut Tree this morning and bought a good used stack and put it on the company’s bill. got it installed ok. I also had the window repaired. I used plastic wrap and duct tape. So that’s what I’ve been doing all morning. All I have left to say is that the plane is fine, the cargo was delivered in one piece and on time, I obeyed all mission parameters and I want my money for this one.
Supervisor Spurlock's Reply:
You’ll get paid for sure. Mr. X paid in advance. Now about all the ruckus. You might ought to hop back down to SJC and swap that plane out for another because I am sure the military authorities are looking for that tail number. Do another low level night flight and DON’T file a flight plan. Give me another PIREP on that flight when you get in. Just stay low and don’t get caught and we’ll get you out of this. PGA has LOTS of experience in this sort of thing.
Top Pilots
This week's top pilot is Lukeexcom (1039, who flew an amazing 31.27 hours Look out Dave. Luke is on your six
The number two pilot was Richard A. deKok (1124) with 18.46 hours, followed by Lars Peter Galaasen (1052) with 15.44 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock is still way out in front with a total of 312.65 hours, with Lukexcom (1039) trailing behind at 260.54 hours.
Great job everyone!
Promotions
* David Bullent (1127) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Frank A. Klesnik III (1123) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Joachim Lueers (1040) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Johan Beyens (1047) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Lars Peter Galaasen (1052) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Pilot Reports
John "the gentleman" Wilding (1121) reported that even though he acted like the perfect gentleman (I must admit we find this hard to believe), Ms Goodbody was not pleased at finding the er...magazine collection under the passenger seat. John insists that they didn't belong to him. Ms Goodbody was not about to believe him and frankly John neither do we.
Frank "eagle eyes" Klesnick (1123) says he saw a UFO up around Martha Lake. We have notified the government and the x-files people will be sending someone over as soon a possible. By the way Frank, you do remember the eight hours bottle to throttle rule right?
Johan "prop man" Beyens lost his engine on approach to Blake Sky Park but managed to set down safely only blowing out the tires. Oh his examination of the aircraft it seems one of the prop blades was missing. Being a good PGA pilot and seeing that his passenger need to get to San Jose quickly Johan borrowed a new prop from a nearby Cessna and was quickly on his way. Unfortunately the Cessna he borrowed the prop from belongs to a gentleman by the name of Victorio Cutter.
Richard "fish bait" deKok not realizing that he was carrying the Boss's son used a whole roll of PGA ducktape to keep him seated. He believes that he should be paid double what with the weather being so bad and all. Richard, after tying up her son and then comparing her to the "wicked witch of the west" I'm sure the Boss will want to "pay" you in person. Live long and prosper.
Jorge "birdman" El Grande hit a Spotted Owl while landing his Renegade at Skycomish. He landed safely and removed said flattened bird from the plane and disposed of it in a nearby creek. He was unfortunately er....spotted by some birdwatchers that happened to be in the area looking for the very, very rare Hoverschneltz Spotted Owl only four of which are know to exist uh, make that three. Baldrick is handling the complaints that are coming in so you should be just fine Jorge.
Dave "Daredevil" Spurlock battled with the elements in his important mission to deliver 50 lbs. of night crawlers for some rich guy that wanted to go fishing the next morning. So Dave took off into a strong wind, heavy rains, low ceiling, and isolated thunder storms. his descent took him down through the clouds with the hills higher than the cloud base on either side of the plane. All of this so some guy could go fishing. What courage, what heart, what laughing in the face of adversity, what utter stupidity. The perfect PGA pilot. Dave did say that being a Captain has some benefits so he got himself a hotel room for the night. We might remind Captain Spurlock that those "benefits" don't include hotel room when he has a perfectly good plane to sleep in.
29 August 2000
BOSS MISSING ( STILL )
Almost a week now since the Boss pulled PGA Vice President Michael Richards down from the rafters and threw all manner of books, forms, and assorted paper work at him then walked out the office door. She was last seen taking off in her DH2 Beaver for an unknown destination. The week has past as most others do around the PGA Headquarters in San Jose, a mixture of paperwork and routine administration. However the strain is beginning to tell, PGA Vice President Michael Richards in an exclusive interview yesterday said " No I don’t think its anything to do with the Doughnuts or in fact that there are at least two other PGA Pilots missing. I can assure you that the PGA President and CEO Shanya Dzhjonovna is in fact at a secret location combining work with a little well earned relaxation". We asked where this location was Vice President Richards replied " I don’t know she said she was not going to tell me because it was a secret".
ANOTHER PILOT ( NOT ) MISSING
In an extraordinary turn of events this week there is another PGA Pilot not missing. He is in fact not missing because most members of PGA do in fact know where he is, its just that he is not here. PGA Pilot Jorge El Grande, it is believed, (as reported last week) that he ran into problems on what should have been the sort of routine charter flight that PGA specialize in. Reports that he is being held against his will in a military establishment somewhere are being played down as are rumors that in fact his freedom is part of a trade off for some new super stocks of Doughnuts. It can be reveled that plans for a rescue bid are well under way and we hope they may be implemented as soon as the party, planning of, which is also under way, is over. We hope to have more news next week.
CAPTAIN BLACKADDER MISSING
More sad news this week for PGA when it was made public that Captain Blackadder has also gone missing. In a short statement today PGA Financial Director Peter Fellowes said "He was last seen some weeks ago in a ceremony to hand over the keys to his Cessna 172 Trainer that had been won by another Pilot in a competition organized by Captain Blackadder himself, he has not been seen since". Financial Director Fellowes continued "He was a good friend of mine, we started flying together back in the old days of Bay Area Charter out of Half Moon Bay, I have no idea where he is, I don’t know how we are going to tell Baldrick the news".
MYSTERY TOURS
Well the first group of Pilots are now starting to return to normal duties after flying Mystery Tours. Congratulations must go to Chris Morgese for being the first pilot to complete his tour and also to Andy Booth for being a very close second, (the only thing that stopped Andy winning was that he had to ask for help on the FU Forum of Avsim to find out a certain location, you were in the lead until then Andy). Both these pilots and in fact others that have since completed their tour seem to have had fun and enjoyed them. Everything from flying under bridges in the dark to a ten mile glide from 6,000 feet. No doubt stories will start to around the coffee opt from some of these pilots who may wish to impress you with their flying skills and tales of VOR Radials, Morse Code, Airport Indicator Codes, and of course the Runway that is somehow never long enough. My advice if this happens to you is to smile and nod your head in agreement, believe none of what you hear and leave as soon as possible.
Top Pilots
This week's top pilot is Dave Spurlock who flew 18.37 hours.
The number two pilot again this week was Richard A. deKok (1124) with 8.62 hours, followed by Mike Mitchel (1072) with 7.56 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock is still way out in front with a total of 331.02 hours, with Lukexcom (1039) trailing behind at 260.54 hours.
Great job everyone!
Promotions
* Johan Olsson (1004) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Johan Beyens (1047) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Lars Peter Galaasen (1052) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Mike Reil (1086) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
PILOT REPORTS.
Frank "Cant they count" Klesnik 1123 had a near, well he reports a veeeeeery near miss with a Citation Jet this week. Frank wonders if Citation Pilots know what the term number two means? And if not then they should learn to count before they learn to fly. Only the superior flying skill of the born PGA Pilot honed over many flights with engine failures and bits falling off the aircraft prevented what could have become a terrible accident. The Pilot of the Citation was later heard to say something about Jets before Props. Frank was unavailable at the time for comment due to the fact he was in the mens room changing into clean underwear.
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Lars Peter "No Power" Galaasen 1052 had already used up most of his luck by landing and taking off from Blake Skypark. The flight down to San Jose had been uneventful when at 1500 feet downwind with clearance to land there was a loud bang from the area of the engine followed by silence. Lars Peter being quick thinking pilot worked out that the engine had stopped. His passenger let out such words and phrases that can not be printed here (or anywhere else). After calling Mayday on 121.50 they landed safely on Runway 30 R. However the mechanics it seems did a good job on the repairs (and that will be the first time) and Lars Peter was on his way the next day off to Napa.
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Richard "They made me do it" de Kok 1124 was giving his passengers the grand tour of San Francisco including the Bay and the Golden Gate Bridges. That it seems was not good enough and the passengers wanted him to fly under the bridges. When Richard rightly explained that is was forbidden and no respecting PGA Pilot would do such a thing one of the passengers pulled out a gun and made him fly under the bridges. There was talk of an investigation into the matter but when the local FAA Inspector heard that it involved a PGA Pilot he remembered he had to suddenly visit a sick relative in New York and was leaving straight away.
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Bill "Can’t see a thing" Woodford 1129 climbed to 8,000 feet before departing Sea Tac Approach all the way out to R and K Skyranch. The flight was without problems and Bill seemed to be having a good time. However on arrival he could not see the Airfield. Other Pilots on hearing this remarked with surprise that they would have difficulty seeing Boeing at 8,000 feet let alone R and K Skyranch. However Bill did in the end spot the windsock and was able to make out the runway. There was no report from Bill that he hit the cow on landing so we must assume that the barbecue is off this week.
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Rolo "Why me" Mace 1038 was on flying routes and had just landed at Sacramento when the engine made a very loud noise and threw a rod. He was stuck on the taxi ramp and had to be towed in. Whilst the mechanics worked on the engine Rolo thought how lucky he had been for it to happen on the ground. After the repairs he took off for San Jose and flew ILS, so happy was "Betty" to see him he was sent "Round the block" more than once for old times sake when at 6,000 feet he lost the engine again (Mystery Tour Pilots will know the feeling). A quick Mayday on 121.50 and he made a beeline for South County, he put on the runway lights at about the same time as his wheels touched the ground. Rolo thinks that as the mechanics are going to fix the engine again they may as well fix the landing gear.
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John "Graffiti" Wilding 1121 had one of those flights that goes something like one third flight time two thirds runway searching time. John is going to stock up with some cans of bright orange spray paint so he can lay down runway markers on all those "backyard airfields". He says he heard the stall warning horn so many times that he is hearing it in his sleep.
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Dave "tell it like it is" Spulock (1094) after a confusing flight made a very profound statement to PGA management. "If the runway is narrow, short, soft, unlit and cluttered with obstacles, we have a contract to go there". You are absolutely correct Dave but you left out that this all takes place for the most part in bad weather.
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Frank "ho hum" Klesnik (1123) wrote his supervisor that on his way home he lost an engine and had to make a forced landing at Auburn and that the plane and camera were ok it was just a blocked fuel line. His report was stated such a routine manner that it's begging to sound like Frank is well on his way to understanding what being a pilot for PGA is all about. Welcome to the club Frank.
10 September 2000
VP'd VP
The PGA VP received a call from his daughter Beth. She was concerned that she was scheduled to fly with pilot John Wilding (1121) the next day, but she had heard about his rather sullied reputation from her friend Ms Goodbody. Michael suggested Beth call her Godmother, Diane, to see if she might have any advice. Diane (yes, THAT Diane) was aghast at the news: "Not that John person!" (Diane also is friends with Ms. Goodbody's mother). "Don't you DARE fly with him, he's a real... well... let me just call your Godfather. He'll know what to do".
Diane immediately placed a call to Beth's Godfather, Mr. Cutter (yes, THAT Mr. Cutter). Mr. Cutter, who you will recall doesn't generally say much, listened to the Diane's description of the situation and characterization of Mr. Wilding, then grunted something about telling Beth to stay off that plane and not to worry about a thing, he'd send his jet for her.
Mr. Cutter has a daughter who goes by the name of "Stone." Stone took Beth's place in Mr. Wilding's plane with instructions to report back to Mr. Cutter.
The next day, the PGA VP received a call from Guido, informing him that a certain PGA pilot probably would be retiring from flying in the very near future, seeing as it is very difficult to fly with broken arms and legs. Fortunately, PGA needs all of its pilots just now, so Michael convinced Guido to ask Mr. Cutter to give the poor misguided young man another chance. As part of the deal, Mr. Wilding is obligated to accompany Stone to dinner at the restaurant of her choosing, followed by a movie of her choice. Another part of the deal involves two C-130s and a C-5 Galaxy, which Mr. Cutter felt would be useful enough to him where he decided Mr. Wilding could live a bit longer.
After the call the VP was seen to jump down from the rafters not using his ladder -- never a very good sign. He spent the rest of the afternoon muttering, every once in awhile saying John's name, kicking whatever was in his way, and slamming doors. He was also seen giving some very explicit directions to Rod while having Rod sniff what appeared to be an old shoe.
Our best advice John is to lay low for awhile and beware of any large black BeechJets you happen to encounter. Mr. Cutter just might forget his promise and twin 50 cals can do quite a bit of damage before you know what hit you.
Secret RB Project on Hold
A super secret PGA cost-saving project was put on hold today after several aircraft were damaged and a couple of people sufferd minor injuries. The project, which replaced the motors in planes with very large rubber bands, was initiated with the idea it would save money on gas and oil (especially given the current price of Avgas), and would have the added benefit of PGA's not having to worry about noise abatement regulations.
The project seemed to be going well at first, especially for short flights of five or ten minutes. However, when longer flights were attempted, it was found that Baldrick could not wind the rubber bands tight enough and after about twelve minutes the bands either unwound completely (causing loss of power) or broke (causing catastrophic loss of power and nasty red welts).
PGA management had no comment when asked if the RB project had anything to do with the crash of a Beaver on it's way to Paine field earlier in the week.
Top Pilots
Well, to be honest, by the time the roster information got passed around the management team about a dozen times, we lost track of who flew what, when. So everyone who has been flying is hereby considered a "Top Pilot" this week, simply because you're flying and others are not. Congratulations.
Overall, however Dave Spurlock remains way out in front with a total of 349.69 hours, with Lukexcom (1039) trailing behind at 271.58 hours.
Great job everyone!
Promotion
* Richard A. de Kok has been promoted to ATP
Congratulations!
Board Meeting
Rumor has it that the PGA board of directors will be meeting soon to plan some changes at PGA. No one in management could be reached for comment but our usually reliable source inside the company tells us that they are going to be taking a step up in the virtual world among some other things. We don't know what all that means but we sure are curious.
Ostrozhinsky Establishes New Approach to BFI
Sergey Ostrozhinsky (1093) made a routine flight to Swanson in the dark mist (which he says is not better than Moskowite at night), dropped down without any approach on the last quarter of the runway, rolled off the edge, slalomed between the trees, and managed to get stopped without any damage to the plane.
The next leg was worse. He realized that asking for vectors to Bandera State would be a tremendous error as he would have to descend in the dark from between 7,000 and 10,000 ft and find the airport in some canyon in the mist between huge dark peaks. So he flew VFR and with the help of his map and the VOR found the right canyon, found the airport, and landed without hitting the cows.
Finally, cargo loaded, full throttle, he climbed out at Vx to get past the mountains. At 7,000 ft he relaxed and requested vectors ILS to Boeing.
What he didn't know is Betty had been keeping her eye on him... and for some reason she apparently didn't like what she saw.
For the next 1-1/2 hours, Sergey was directed to fly all over the Seattle area. When at last he was given leave to intercept the localizer, Betty informed him that he must remember his path and that it would be the standard approach to Boeing for all PGA pilots from then on.
A diagram of Sergey's path is depicted below. All pilots make note of it, and please increase your fuel calculations by 1.5 hours when coming in to Boeing Field.
Pilot Reports
John "Marked Man" Wilding (1121) having been told by Walter that Beth was a real "looker" decided to abandon his rather extensive magazine collection which had gotten him into trouble with a certain Ms. Goodbody. He claims that after he met "Beth" that he should have kept the mags and used them as a counter weight and he wasn't sure of the last time this chick had a bath. Well I'm sure the same could be said for John but that's another story. John says the first bath she may have had in a long time was when the plane made an accidental (John claims) sudden movement dumping her into the water. Unfortunately for John he has made a very serious tactile error. Things are not always what they seem. More on the news page. John's only good luck lately was to win two C-130s and a Galaxy in a card game with some Airmen. I really hope you get them real soon though John, I think you're going to need em.
Rick "Hollywood" Smith seems to have had a swell time taking a photographer from Oakland to Seattle taking pictures of various mountains and lakes for the magazine "Vulcanology This Month". At first things got a bit touchy as Rick had the camera lens strike him in the back of the neck a few times. The photographer after taking a few of Rick by the plane promised to show them to a friend writing for another magazine about up and coming young flyers. Of course this got Rick to start thinking (always a bad sign in a PGA pilot) about fame, women and maybe even deodorant ads! Deodorant, now that's something ALL PGA pilots should think about.
Rick's relationship with "Bouncing Betty" seems to be over. She gave him the same "ups and downs" as everybody else on his approach although she claims she still wants to be friends.
Richard "I Can Land it Anywhere" de Kok attempted to land the Mooney at Meadowlark Field and ended up taking a great deal of time duct taping the plane back together after splattering it all over the runway. Richard asked his supervisor if he could get extra money for the time spent on duct taping or maybe ask the Boss. His supervisor rightly replied back that perhaps a better selection of plane might be in order for short dirt fields like Meadowlark as for asking the Boss for the extra money well she would probably charge him the depreciation on the Mooney. For future reference the Boss really doesn't care to have her planes scattered over runways dirt or otherwise. If you suspect it maybe the runways fault that’s what the RWSTD is for.
Ryan "Can't Get it Down" Griffin-Stegink seems to have had a major problem flying back to Paine Field from Arlington. His engine died tried to restart and then the plane pitched every which way but loose. The plane finally stalled and had an uncontrolled collision with the terrain. The plane was totally destroyed and Ryan was unceremoniously dumped into the top of a tree where he claims he broke 2/3 of the bones in his body. He doesn't know how long he will be in the hospital so won't be flying for awhile. It's a good thing that PGA had good insurance on the plane.
Mr. Cutter is a bit concerned about how Ryan will be making payments on his Mooney during the time he is in the hospital. Good question. Perhaps there will be a Mooney up for sale at Friendly Fred's soon and Ryan's hospital stay could be longer than anticipated. Good luck Ryan we mean that sincerely.
Fredric "At least it's Down" Tai managed after two attempts to land at Renton finally managed a very hard landing that bent up the nose gear on the Trainer. No problem Fredric, a hammer and a little duct tape and she'll be as good a new. This sure has been a bad week for airplanes. The Boss isn't going to be to pleased when she gets back.
Sergey "Hitchhiker" Ostrozhinsky (1093) spotted an aircraft carrier making the rounds in Dabob Bay, and decided to drop in on his friend the captain on the way to Sequim Valley for some talk and some cogn... er, Coca-Cola. He set up an approach to the carrier, but apparently the captain owed Sergey some money after their last evening spent playing cards and the carrier began to turn off. Fortunately, the carrier is much slower than the aircraft, and he was able to land anyway.
The captain kindly gave Sergey a lift for a few miles as they talked and drank, and then Sergey continued on his way in a very good mood... "and even lobsters, creeping over all aircraft, can't spoil it."
Dave "At Least I Landed It!" Spurlock (1094) made a flight to Blake Skypark to pick up a non-PGA pilot who had dinged his plane and didn't know how to use duct tape to fix it. When Dave arrived, he circled the field before landing (after all, another plane had just crashed trying to get in there) and saw the remains of the other plane in the field at the south end. He says it appeared the pilot overshot the field.
Dave entered a left pattern and says everything was fine until he was about 1/2 mile from the strip on final. Suddenly, the wind shifted an the plane lurched to the left and pitched nose up. With the stall horn howling, he went to full throttle and pushed the nose down, then went around to try again.
The second time, the same thing happened, and Dave looked around to see what could be causing the wind to play games. There was a steep projection of the hill on the west side of the field, and he deduced that the wind was caroming off of it back towards the field. That's probably what got the other pilot because he tried to force the landing after getting knocked off approach.
The third try he was ready and had his wing dipped toward the wind so all it managed to do was knock him back on the approach. The landing still wasn't pretty -- he came in too fast and landed on the left main wheel first, digging a big divot in the grass. But he was down with everything intact except his nerves and his temper... so when the pilot he'd been sent to retrieve commented that it seemed he'd had a little trouble getting down, he came right back with, "Yeah, I did. Looks like you did too."
No further conversation took place as they proceded back to San Jose. Thus Dave had no opportunity to learn that the man he was transporting actually was the one who will be giving Dave his next biennial flight review.
Andy "Nice Clouds" Booth (1046) says he had a great scenic flight, and that it was raining as usual. We're pleased to hear that Andy has come to the realization that rain does not preclude a "great scenic flight" and that he won't be complaining about the weather from here on out. Not that he ever did complain much anyway.
17 September 2000
PGA Moves
In a somewhat dubious attempt to appear more respectable and to duck an infestation of nasty little banner ad gnomes, PGA has moved its facilities to a higher rent district at the airport. Mind you, this doesn't mean new buildings or better coffee... just the old facility in a new spot with an address that's easier to remember and where the banner ad gnome fumigators actually will set foot. This also means, of course, that the Boss is expecting the pilots to spend even less time on the ground. "You can't expect the fumigators to want to enter a facility that actually has pilots in it," the Boss explained.
PGA may now be found at www.pierglass.com in both Seattle and the Bay Area. An added benefit to the new address is that PGA is so disreputable that it should take the FAA inspectors a while to find us -- no one would think to look for PGA under its own domain name!
Boss is Back
The Boss has returned from parts unknown after a lengthy absence, and has resumed her normal duties with PGA. Kitty has been designated the new PGA Complaints Officer, and will be taking complaints in person only out behind the SFO hangar. Pilots are requested to rub themselves thoroughly with catnip prior to discussing their complaints.
Top Pilots
The top pilot in the time since the hours were totaled for the last update was Dave Spurlock (1094), with 20.93 hours. Number two was Darby Willcox (1013) with 17.68 hours, followed very very closely by Richard de Kok (1124) with 17.66 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock remains way out in front with a whopping 370.12 hours. Lukexcom (1039) is at number two with 271.58 PGA hours, and Darby Willcox (1013) is number three with 228.2 hours flown under the PGA banner.
Excellent job, everyone!
Promotions
* Mike Mitchell has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Dick Lisboa (1027) has been promoted to ATP
* Urs Munger (1028) has been promoted to ATP
* Lars Peter Galaasen (1052) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Johan Beyens (1047) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* John Wilding (1121) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Frank A Klesnik III (1123) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Csongor Szijjarto (1097) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Alistair Lark (1117) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Philippe Damerval (1007) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Pilot Missing -- SAR Team Formed; SAR Team Now Missing
PGA Pilot Jorge El Grande, Pilot #1131 was reported missing two weeks ago by his supervisor Dave Spurlock. He was last reported flying a group of Air Force officers from McChord AFB to Port Poulsbo. There was some concern because the Air Force had been searching for the PGA pilot to question him about certain happenings that occurred at Travis AFB a week prior.
Dave Spurlock reported that he received a cryptic email from his missing pilot claiming that he was being held captive in some luxurious holding cell at Port Poulsbo. There, Jorge was being slowly killed by being fed meals such as eggs Benedict for breakfast; ½ pound hamburgers, French fries and thick milk shakes for lunch, and Fillet Mignon and lobster tails for supper. (That cholesterol is a real killer folks!) He was also being brainwashed by being given full access to a large screen TV and an extensive DVD collection of top running movies.
Frantic and just a little bit jealous, over his pilot's situation, Dave Spurlock set about to get him freed from the clutches of the nefarious US Air Force. His efforts were complicated because the Boss had disappeared shortly after and thereby cutting off the access to her high powered lawyers.
In desperation, (and he had to be really desperate to do this) Dave Spurlock joined forces with Lukexcom and announced the formation of a SAR team. Since then several other PGA personnel have been reported missing. So far the missing personnel include The Boss, Dave Spurlock, Lukexcom, Stefan Friese, Jorge El Grande and Baldrick.
Anyone having information on the whereabouts of these people please report it to the PGA BFI FBO immediately. The cash flow has slowed and the phones aren't being answered like they should.
Mitchell in Debt
PGA pilot Mike Mitchell found himself in debt last week when the Boss calculated his wages, deducted his loan payment, and counted off the cash for his new plane. Because PGA has been in a bit of turmoil during the Boss's absence and there was some confusion over his account anyway, the Boss kindly fronted the final bit of cash (approximately $15,000) to him to cover his debt. Mitchell has a good history flying with the company, and the Boss expected he would have no problem making up the deficit before the next update... especially now he has his own plane to fly.
The Boss was less than pleased to find that Mitchell's entire earnings in the last two weeks amounted to $3000... only about a fifth of what he owes.
As a result, Mitchell has had his coffee and doughnut privileges rescinded until his debt is paid, and the Boss is watching, priming crank handle in hand, to catch him pausing in the hangar for any longer than it takes to read his next assignment off the board.
Pilots Pass 300 Hour Mark
The Boss came back to discover that Dave Spurlock has shot past the 300-hour mark with PGA, and is well on his way to 400 hours. Also, Darby Willcox passed the 300 hour total (including BAC time) mark in the last two weeks. Great job, both of you! Pilots like you give the Boss cause to hope we'll be able to afford the new digs...
Pilot Reports
Andy "Upgrade" Booth (1046) missed getting the right answers to the ATP navigation exercise, but it's clear to all concerned the problem was that he hadn't installed the new Voodoo5 windscreen on the Mooney prior to flying that mission. However, he did install it in time for ATP7, and reports that FU3 looks great, with no real frame rate hit. Other pilots are now clamoring for the windscreen upgrade, but the Boss says they can just wait until after she gets one.
Johan "Fishbait" Beyens (1047) made his first flight in a Renegade, and comments that he thinks he got some damage during his first water landing. He suggests the fish in Bumping Lake are quite aggressive, but nonetheless decided to stay for a couple of days to practice his hostile fish defense techniques.
We're starting to wonder if Johan has been spending too much time with Darby....
Chris "Radio Silence" Morgese (1010) says he had to stop at Livermore on the way from San Jose to Sacramento because the radio in the Baron he was flying stopped functioning. The Boss was startled to hear that a radio is necessary to the generation of lift and thrust by a Baron.
New pilot Philippe "Smooth Landing" Damerval (1007) made his supervisor very happy by making a landing at Gnoss that "would not have woken a baby up." It's always nice when the pilot lands without breaking the plane, and it's a bonus when they don't break the cargo either!
Geoff "Tag and Release" McLean (1071) had the honor of flying our beloved Mr. X to Travis. Unlike SOME pilots, McLean did manage to stay out of the clink at Travis, but he did have a bit of an adventure anyway (doesn't everyone where Mr. X is concerned?). Apparently, Mr. X didn't say a word until they flew near Half Moon Bay and he saw the fresnels (which weer kind of shimmering because of the warm ground and the cool night air), whereupon he "freaked" and pulled a gun on Geoff, saying he couldn't be captured, even by the police. Fortunately, Geoff managed to calm him down, and the trip continued in silence.
At Travis, things weren't looking good as he pulled his gun again and ordered Geoff to taxi into a hangar, where the doors were shut behind him. As he was trying to figure out what to do to avoid incurring the wrath of the Boss by ending up in a cell at everyone's favorite Air Force Base, he heard the passenger door open and then shut. The hangar doors were then opened and he was told to "disappear into the parking area." Spooky? We agree. We suggest that you search your plane, Geoff, and look for anything they may have attached to it or hidden in it... meanwhile, avoid encounters with law enforcement agencies of any kind.
Kim "Mayday" Mølgaard (1021) had a routine engine failure in the Renegade north of SeaTac and had to land at Kenmore Air Harbor. He reports his passengers looked scared, but he just enjoyed the opportunity to shout "Mayday" over the radio and have that priority handling as he glided down into Kenmore. The landing went well, and the office guys he was ferrying about were fit to be sent away in a taxi. Kim inspected the engine and suggests that the Renegade will need a new one this time, then headed home and to bed by train. He signed off with "Now you now where the plane is, and where I am, so that should be enough for now."
The Boss agreed -- it was enough for then. So she waited until 3:00 in the morning to call and ask him to bring the key to the plane back.
Lars Peter "Mission Impossible" Galaasen (1052) took exception to having to go into Byron in the fog, saying that using FU2 with a good graphics card it's impossible to land at a fogged-in airport without ILS equipment because you won't see anything before you hit the ground or a building.
Nonetheless, he recognized that a pilot (especially a PGA pilot) has got to do what a pilot has got to do, and he took off, asking Bay Approach for directions. Fortunately, he got Monica instead of Betty for a controller and she was very polite, telling him Byron was at his 12 o'clock, five miles. Of course, he couldn't see a thing, but a moment later he heard a voice on the CTAF -- an Arrow announcing itself in the downwind leg at Byron! He looked and saw it -- right behind him over the white deck. He turned quickly and followed him through right base and to final, and then there was the runway right in front of him.
Unfortunately, he had not been paying attention to the radio and didn't know what the Arrow's intentions were... if it was full-stop, then he would be in deep trouble. Fortunately, the pilot ahead seemed to hear his prayers and made it a touch and go (apparently another student pilot aspiring to fly for PGA).
Lars Peter concluded that the "Arrow ILS" is not a recommended landing procedure, but it will work in a pinch.
The Flying Dutchman, Richard "Overload" de Kok (1124) wishes someone would have told him his flight into Garibaldi was part of a weight-watcher's reunion. With passengers crammed into the plane like sardines in a can, it made for an interesting landing at Garibaldi in the moonlight. He suspects they may not have gotten around to inventing the lightbulb over there yet.
Fredric "Blind Man" Tai (1065) has joined the ranks of those who have spent time peering at their chart and looking for Apex Air Park, flying around the general area for over 10 minutes before finally spotting the field. Unfortunately, despite the demands of many pilots PGA has had no success in getting a big red arrow installed that would hover in the sky above Apex saying "AIRPORT HERE."
Bjørn Olav "Perfect Flight" Henjum (1044) returned from his summer holiday and kicked things off with a sightseeing trip in "perfect" weather along the Bay Area. He circled over Alcatraz a few times so his passengers could get a good look, and (as they told the Boss later) they were most pleased with this opportunity and took several pictures.
Unfortunately, all of his passengers were subsequently murdered in their sleep the following night. Police say the only thing stolen in each case was the victim's camera and all film and photos in the house. Meanwhile, a man in a suit and wearing dark glasses has been seen around the FBO asking after Bjørn....
Sergey "I See the Light!" Ostrozhinsky (1093) was battling difficult weather and expecting another difficult landing in the mist on his way to Diamond Point... imagine his suprise when he broke out of the clouds and saw the airstrip ahead, flashing with bright lights and visible from a long way away. He has requested that the Boss write a letter to Diamond Point airport to express his gratitude for having such a well-prepared airstrip.
The Boss was pleased to do so, and received the following response from Diamond Point:
Dear Ms. Dzjhonovna,
Thank you for your kind words regarding our airstrip. However, next time we hear there is a PGA plane inbound, we will not only shut off the lights but pull the camoflage nets over the place and turn on the fog generators.
Sincerely,
I.M. Uptite
The Boss responded by pointing out such measures would not stop a PGA pilot, and did he really want a bunch of PGA pilots with broken planes milling about at his airport?
The Boss says she expects they'll be leaving the light on for us.
Ryan "Student" Griffin - Stegink (1009) is continuing to get some hours in, despite the mounting pressures of homework and the extremely effective evil eye of his mother. He managed to squeeze in a sightseeing flight, but had to cut it a little short when one of the passengers got sick despite the beautiful weather. The passenger claimed he doesn't usually get airsick, and commented he really just wasn't feeling all that well that day. Ryan dutifully told them to come back when he was feeling better, but isn't sure they will after having gone through one of his landings with the 1000-pound... er, he means -page biology book in his lap. Must make rudder control interesting, to say the least.
27 September 2000
Rip the Chiropractor -- PGA Initiates New Health Plan
Rip (1042) has in real life recently received a "Doctor of Chiropractic Degree." All of us at PGA would like to offer him our congratulations for his success. Well done!
Management is quite pleased to have such a qualified person on staff to treat back problems resulting from poor landings and improper aircraft loading and unloading techniques. No longer should any pilot feel it's necessary to take time off to visit a doctor -- Rip (such a great name for a chiropractor...) can sort you out while your plane is being refueled. Charges for treatment will be automatically deducted from your paychecks. What could be more convenient than that? Just another example of PGA taking advantage of the resources at hand for the benefit of its pilots.
Top Pilots
PGA's Top Pilot last week was Richard de Kok (1124), with 12.14 hours. Number two was Peter "Bills to Pay" Fellowes (1002) with 11.42 hours, and number three was Dave Spurlock (1094) with 9.6 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock is still out in front with 379.72 hours. Lukexcom (1039) is at number two with 307.64 hours, and Darby Willcox (1013) is number three with 228.22 PGA hours.
Excellent job, everyone!
Promotions
* Paul J Thomason (1067) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Keith Colvin (1035) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Brian Sommers (1061) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Allan Dodds (1068) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Lukexcom passes 300 hours
Yet another PGA pilot has passed the 300-hour mark, and is eligible to have Baldrick scratch his name into the crud on the other wall of the men's restroom. Congratulations, Luke! Oh, and nice try on saving up your hours for three weeks in an attempt to get top pilot this week, but in the interest of fairness we do try to count only the hours flown in a specific time period.
RWSTD Gets New Plane
The RunWay Surface Testing Department has just acquired and new Mooney. This addition will allow the RWSTD to better serve your runway surface testing needs with its delicate, specially-calibrated landing gear. In it's first flight it proved it's worth by finding an overly hard runway at San Francisco International. This situation was brought to attention of airport officials who promised to rectify the situation immediately. The RWSTD is trying to live up to its goal of keeping you all safe from overly hard , or soft as is the case with at least one up north that seems to let planes sink into on landing, runways. Keep up the good work RWSTD!
Missing Pilot and SAR Team No Longer Missing
With no prior notice the missing PGA pilots, the Boss and subaltern Baldrick all showed up for work at PGA HQs in Seattle this week. Even the first missing pilot, Jorge El Grande was seen flying off somewhere in his favorite company Renegade.
None of the pilots could be reached for comment. When approached by reporters and asked about her disappearance and sudden reappearance, PGA CEO Shanya Dzhjonovna merely growled, "No comment."
PGA spokesperson Baldrick, normally a good source of inside news on the San Jose/Seattle based organization, spun a tale so bizarre and laced with limericks as to be totally unbelievable.
Another source, who asked to remain anonymous, basically confirmed the story told by Mr. Baldrick minus the limericks. When asked directly whether the story was a cleverly contrived cover-up, the pilot irately told us to check the old BAC archives if we did not believe him, then stalked off, brushing what appeared to be an owl feather from his sleeve.
It is a well-known fact to all reporters that the BAC archives are not a good source of verifiable fact. It is filled with events told by renegade, seat of your pants pilots deep into their cups and so outrageous that no sane person would ever believe them. And this reporter, for one, is having none of it.
Mitchell's Coffee and Doughnut Privileges Reinstated
Having paid off his debt to the Boss, Mike Mitchell may now safely enter the PGA hangar again and help himself to the stuff of life for PGA pilots.
Environmental Outrage!
The Seattle area chapter of the Sierra Club filed protest in the district court today against unknown campers in the area of Lake Cushman. The injunction claimed the unidentified campers flew into the pristine area with an internal combustion powered flying contrivance and committed grave crimes against Mother Nature. These acts were witnessed by a small group of environmentally concerned campers.
Among the misdeeds listed were, polluting the air and water with oil byproducts, chopping down fledgling trees and shrubs and incinerating them in an open fire, thereby endangering the entire forested region, littering the area with non biodegradable food wrapping materials and wanton destruction of endangered wildlife species.
Local Sierra Club representative, Eduard Treesbe Goode stated, "These unknown assailants on Gaea went so far as to kill, butcher, roast and EAT a Great Horned Spotted Owl. This magnificent bird has been on the endangered species list for the last 10 years and less than 20 are known to exist anywhere and these barbarians had the unmitigated gall to eat one."
Asked if the he honestly expected any action to come from the filed complaint Mr. Goode added, "The Sierra Club for one will take every active measure within its ability to find and bring these criminals to justice." He went on to call into action every environmentally minded organization to help in this cause.
Cutter's Plane Stolen
Guido has informed us that Mr. Cutter's private BeechJet has been stolen by a person or persons unknown. He has determined that the plane left Dallas and was headed south but that is the last know sighting. Cutter for the moment has put off looking for John Wilding and is concentrating on finding his plane. For this purpose he has just taken possession of an F-22 Raptor. It is unclear how he managed to get the fighter, as no one in government was available for comment. The VP of PGA was said to be taking the Raptor south to Dallas in hopes of picking up the trail of Cutter's jet.
How the plane was stolen in the first place seems to be that a set of keys was lost at the PGA hanger. The person who had and then lost those keys has now disappeared and was unavailable for comment. It is rumored that he has left the country but Cutter is looking for him and would like very much to discuss the situation.
Pilot Reports
Mike "No Radio" Mitchell (1072) suggests that the Boss should hire some "proper" mechanics after his radios went out on him yet again with a loud FZZZZT! He seems to believe this is happening altogether too often now.
The Boss has heard his complaint and promptly went out and hired a new electronics expert away from a local guitar repair shop. Mike should be pleased to know that no longer should his radios fail with a loud FZZZT! Failures should be much more spectacular than that, and we're advised that the smoke from the panel comes at no extra cost.
Shortly after takeoff from Port Angeles, Lars Peter "More Tape" Galaasen (1052) reports his engine began to lose power and "a lot of loud noises appeared." Presumably the loud noises had nothing to do with a properly-running engine. The giggling teenagers in the back suddenly became as quiet as the engine as he turned around and glided back to the airport.
The tailwind landing was a little fast, but application of appropriate amounts of tape and a bit of work with the hammer soon had the propeller and nosegear back in working order. He proceeded back to Boeing Field to replenish his tape supplies.
Johan "This is the Life!" Beyens (1047) decided to take the DHC-2 Beaver for a mail run to Kachess Lake, on the theory one doesn't have to worry about vicious pirahnas when you're up high above the water (unlike in the Renegade). He took off at dawn in bright weather, and circled down, dodging the hills, to land (water?) on the lake. He drifted over to the small boat that was ready to take the mail bags, and then took a few minutes to enjoy a cup of coffee in the back of the Beaver before heading back to Boeing Field.
He says the Beaver really is his favourite (the Boss understands completely!), and he's looking for a way to install a VOR or at least an ADF. Anyone with information on doing this, please let him know.
Philippe "*&$%!" Damerval (1007) played hide-and-seek with South County for a while, wondering who it was that made him take off in the rain and at night. Eventually he did sight the beacon at South County and made an approach, but was startled by a plane doing touch and goes ahead of him in the pattern. He saw the other plane in time and pulled up to mis him, then came back in for another approach, keeping it close in so he might miss the guy the next time around. He landed a little fast and bounced it a couple of times, but hit the brakes hard and got off the runway before the idiot in the pattern returned.
Fredric "The Claw" Tai (1065) claims that the guys at Sequim Valley did not seal the lobster crates properly, and soon he had lobsters running loose all over his plane. He had his hand full trying to maintain straight and level flight whilst catching lobsters that were escaping almost as quickly as he could pop them back in the crates. Fortunately, however, he did manage to get on top of the situation (he's not sure how) and got the lobsters secured in their crates prior to landing.
On the basis of past experience, you might keep an eye out for a stowaway lobster in your plane, Fredric.
Rick "AAAAAAAAA!" Smith (1114) could scarcely believe his luck at actually getting permission to buzz downtown Seattle, pointing out some pilots wait a lifetime to hear that one. He says it only took three passes before he actually was able to hear the people in the street scream over the noise of the engine, and that the best part was the fly-by of the Space Needle -- apparently they were so close that one of the waiters offered to seat us.
Later on, he took Dr. Radcliffe and her students up to the lakes in the mountains. He correctly decided the Beaver (not Muskrat) would fare better than the Renegade. Although his hearing suffered from the screams of the students (apparently he prefers the screaming to be outside the plane), he dodged mountain peaks and managed to land on three of the lakes, as requested. He says the picnic was pleasant, but he had trouble getting enough room to take off again and actually scraped the floats on the last attempt, then stalled at 90 ft. Fortunately, he caught it in time and got out with generous application of trim and a redlined engine. On the bright side, the flight back to Renton was "strangely quiet...."
Daniel "Ladies' Man" Logan (1107) spent some time at Inglenook Ranch after his engine failed enroute. The regulars around the coffeepot speculate this engine failure might have more to do with the cute blonde neice of the owner of Inglenook Ranch than it does any actual mechanical issue.
Richard "le Pew!" de Kok (1124) apparently had to haul some grape pickers whom he implies make PGA pilots look positively respectable, and claims he would rather have had a boar aboard than those guys. Rest assured the Boss will remember that next time someone calls wanting us to transport a boar.
Geoff "Where is HMB?!" McLean (1071) says his flight started out routine enough, but at Half Moon Bay the weather was socked in with a 200 ft ceiling ("Ever try to find HMB like that?"). The passengers (who do pay the bills, after all) insisted on Half Moon Bay, however, despite the weather. It took him 20 minutes to find the airport and get lined up, but despite (or perhaps because of?) the weather he made an excellent landing. The Boss was interested by this news, and has plans to experiment more with sending pilots to land in weather that is well below minimums in the hopes that it will save some wear and tear on the gear.
10 October 2000
El Grande Earns RW PPL
Jorge El Grande (aka Ryan Lunde in the real world) was a bit low on PGA hours over the last couple of weeks because he was spending a lot of time in the real cockpit of a Citabria 7GCBC preparing for his Private Pilot checkride. We're pleased to learn that he passed the checkride (as though there were any doubt!). Congratulations!
Gierlinksi Press-Ganged -- Moving to England (Poor Sod)
Marek Gierlinksi (1118) is taking a bit of a break from flying for PGA, having spent two weeks in Spain and getting ready to spend the next three years in England. Marek has taken a postdoctorate position at the University of Durham, and so will be spending the next three years there. Congratulations, Marek, and we hope you manage to find the apartment, computer, decent joystick, etc. in time to keep those long, cold, bleak, rainy evenings in England from driving the devoted flightsimmer 'round the bend. If you find yourself starting to lose it, just give a holler on the forum, and I'm sure the many experts on life in England will fill your ears with a wealth of good advice. ;)
Top Pilots
Top pilot for whatever week it was by now was Michael Turner (1029), with 11.63 hours -- not bad for a new guy! Number two was Csongor Szijjarto (1097) with 10.39 hours, and number three was Allan Dodds (1068) with 10.13 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock is still out in front with 379.72 hours. Lukexcom (1039) is at number two with 307.64 hours, and Darby Willcox (1013) is number three with 228.22 PGA hours.
Excellent job, everyone!
Promotions
* Kim Mølgaard (1021) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Allan Dodds (1068) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Michael Turner (1029) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Dr Fester (1057) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Dondo (1087) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Nico Lavarino (1110) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Wilding Survives Date with Stone
John Wilding (1121) received a light blow to the head last week when a couple of "goons" saw fit to enforce his date with Ms. Stone Cutter. Mr. Cutter himself escorted Mr. Wilding to Seattle, and explained in no uncertain terms that John would be showing Stone the time of her life... or else.
Fortunately, John was able to deliver with the help of the loan of Mr. Cutter's 40' yacht for the weekend, and a pair of prime Mariner's tickets. The things one will do for Mariner's tickets...
When asked by his supervisor when the wedding would be, John replied that "Mr Cutter never mentioned anything about marriage" and that he'd have to draw the line there. He went on to suggest Stone has something for Bill Woodford (1129), and that he would be glad to set her up with him. He also wanted to see about getting a look at the "real" Beth (as in Michael's daughter) now... whereupon his supervisor said he wasn't gonna cross that line and told him he was on his own.
Despite Mr. Wilding's claim that Stone has the hots for Bill Woodford, it should be mentioned that she was seen having John's name tattooed on her... well, perhaps that's best left unsaid.
Dead Man de Kok
The Boss was heard screaming for Richard de Kok earlier this week in a tone that sent pilots scrambling to be anywhere but where the Boss was likely to be. According to sources who would rather it weren't known they were anywhere in the vicinity at the time, the Boss was somewhat perturbed by the wording of a PIREP received from Mr. de Kok wherein he refered to the Boss as a cow.
The Boss is interested in having a little chat with Mr. de Kok, particularly to congratulate him for passing the 100-hour mark, and to discuss the undying affection he must have for all things bovine.
Cutter's Jet Update
PGA headquarters intercepted this transcript being sent to Cutter and Associates. The message appears to be from a Cutter operative that is a mole in one of Cutter's competitors' operations.
"Boss! It looks like your jet is here at Jose (garbled) operation in Brazil. I saw it land not 15 minutes ago. I managed to pretend to be sweeping up and managed to record this conversation between Jose (garbled) and the pilot:"
"Hey, Jose. Here's that plane you ordered for your "coffee" business in Columbia. What do you think ain't she a beauty! She has machine guns, missiles and can refuel in-flight and..."
"YOU IDIOT! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOT YOU #$#%&@#!& FOOL. Don't you have any idea who's plane you have?"
"Er... Not really boss. I mean the keys were there, the jet was there and I was there. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time."
"Get that damn thing outa here NOW. If I know Cutter satellites are being re-tasked right now and we have maybe 2 hours before they will be overhead and you WILL be gone before then!"
"But Boss! I haven't been paid and where the hell am I supposed to go? I need fuel and besides you were the one who ordered this heist in the first place!"
"Yeah, well, I didn't order you take one of Cutter's planes. You think I'm bad? You have no idea of what bad is my friend. You are however right, I do owe you something. I will have the plane re-fueled and as a bonus will have the machine guns re-loaded and because I really feel sorry for you I will even throw in two sidewinders. Now as soon as you are loaded I want you outa here and I have never seen you before in my life. Got it!"
"Yeah boss, I got it, but what am I supposed to do now? I've got a hot plane that I can't sell anywhere and I've got some guy named Cutter after me!"
"I think the only chance you may have of survival young man is to return the plane to Cutter and throw yourself at his mercy. He really doesn't have any but it might work. Anything else and you are just a dead man walking. Oh yeah one last thing. On the left side of the instrument panel is a switch labeled "Athena Device" it may come in handy."
"What's it for Boss?"
"Now get this straight -- as of yesterday, I am no longer your boss. I've never heard of you, nor you of me, comprende? It will make the plane completely invisible to all radar, ground and air. It is something the government was working but shelved when the costs became to great and somehow Cutter got ahold of it."
"Um... okay B... I mean, um... if I was fired yesterday why did I bring this thing to you?"
(long pause)
"Right, uh, so how's this thing work?"
"How the hell should I know, now GET OUTA HERE!"
"That's it Boss, he took your jet and was headed northwest. Good hunting! Operative 86 out."
Further updates as events warrant.
Griffin-Stegink Named Official Office Sycophant
For meritorious service and exemplary groveling, Ryan Griffin-Stegink has been named the PGA Official Office Sycophant (OOS). This means it will be his job to empty the trash, say "yes Boss" whenever the Boss or a Director says something, shoo Baldrick out of the office, hail PGA as the best company to fly for on his website, make more coffee when the pot boils dry, and maintain the PGA downloads page. Congratulations... heheh...
Pilot Reports
Richard "Need More NASA Forms" de Kok (1124) was breaking out the NASA forms this week after a close call with a 757 reported at his 9-o'clock, 1 mile. He glanced to his left to see the behemoth at his altitude and overtaking him fast. He dove "down like an eagle" and managed to get everyone out alive... "barely" he says. The Boss isn't sure she likes the sound of that. At any rate, on the NASA form, he reported a "near miss" which apparently got the NTSB all excited, as a "near miss" would have to be an "actual hit." Fortunately, his supervisor was able to clarify that Mr. de Kok did not, in fact, have a near miss, but actually had missed the 757, which made the ordeal a near hit. Got that?
Allan "Is it Broke?" Dodds (1068) suggests we "might" need to fix the landing gear before he takes off again from R&K Skyranch (he's not sure? Must not be bent badly enough to matter then), and that the "battle scar" on the so-called runway there will need to be filled before it rains and becomes fit only for floatplanes.
Fredric "Cluck" Tai (1065) had a plane full of chickens, and now says he has feathers, feathers everywhere... not only that, but the plane smells! Imagine that, say all of the long-term PGA pilots, shaking their heads in mock disbelief...
John "Blizzard" Wilding (1121) would like to thank Junior for his advice to open the windows of the Mooney to relieve the smell of livestock from the previous mission (livestock in a Mooney? I don't want to know...), and wants to know if the client to whom he was delivering the printing would be interested in changing their company logo to a big dirty footprint riddled with coffee stains. The Boss maintains that was their logo all along.
Lars Peter "Surgical Strike" Galaasen (1052) was sent out in rather ugly weather to pick up one of our pilots who was stranded at Travis (anyone who is familiar with relations between PGA pilots and the Air Force will understand why it was critical that the pilot be picked up right away, no matter how bad the weather!). He says there was severe turbulence over the tops of the mountains, and while the controller at Travis did not like having unknown aircraft in his area he did not get chased by any threatening fighters. His passenger was eager to get back in time to watch X-Files, and they apparently made very good time getting back to the FBO.
Now, why can't the rest of you manage to stay out of trouble up there?
Johan "Bond?" Beyens (1047) believes he saw the first snow out at Diamond Point, and wonders if he was seeing things. Believe me, Johan... you were seeing it. The medical supplies were delivered on time, and his only other comment was "shaken, not stirred." The Boss is wondering when he has time for mowies with his schedule...
Brett "James Bond?" Lynes (1036) took two FAA Inspectors up to Everett, and claims they made him jittery. First he taxied to the wrong runway, and when they asked what he was doing he said he was warming the tires prior to takeoff (nice save!). After takeoff, unfortunately, Tower said "thanks for making me spill my coffee, now clear my airspace!" Not a good sign. Next was a near miss with a 757, courtesy Sea-Tac approach. Finally, he got shuffled around the landing order three times by Everett tower. On deplaning, one of the inspectors reportedly said "Flying with you is like flying with James Bond..it leaves me shaken and stirred."
The Boss hasn't opened the official envelope she received from the local FSDO up there yet. She's hoping to spill coffee on it and have to discard it before she does.
Philippe "Just Point the Nose Down and..." Damerval (1007) says he had a fairly trouble-free flight except for that business about hide-and-seek with the airport in pitch darkness and rain. He says the landing was a bit rough, but he was just happy to hit the ground... this is not the kind of phrasing usually appreciated by our insurance adjustors, by the way.
Former BAC pilot Michael "Slave Labor" Turner (1029) has joined on with PGA and worked up a sweat on his first mission loading all the china bound for Gnoss, and then unloading it once he made it down. He says nothing has changed since he worked for Fred and someone said he was spotted munching a doughnut and whistling (messy) as he headed out for his next mission.
Brian "Trim!" Sommers (1061) learned about using the trim control this week, and reports takeoff goes much better when one has the Trainer trimmed properly. A little later on, he experienced a bumpy flight and what he called "kinda a hairy landing." We'll go with that, as the aircraft didn't require so much as a strip of duct tape when he finished his rollout.
Jorge "Curse You!" el Grande (1131) is glad to be back in the cockpit, and as his initial act he picked up the Renegade and buzzed Port of Poulsbo low enough to see the brass shining off an officer shaking his fist at the air as Jorge passed overhead. Jorge picked up the lobsters at Sequim and egressed to Everett without further incident. He says he did find a couple of illegal docking tickets stuffed in the window of the plane, totalling $1245.99, and wanted to know where he should forward them. His supervisor suggested McChord AFB, Attn: Base Property Book Officer.