News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
October 2000 - February 2001
22 October 2000
Paychecks NOT Late
Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late. Your paychecks are not late.
Walter on Warpath
A couple of weeks ago, PGA dispatcher Walter Crank noticed a distinctly nasty smell in his office, but could not find the source. Several days of searching (in between taking calls and chasing pilots off the field) eventually turned up a dead fish that had been left behind the radiator.
Walter has been going through his logs, looking for any pilots who were flying fish around the time the smell appeared. He says he's narrowed it down to three pilots... "and you know who you are."
Top Pilots
Top pilot for this last however-long-it's-been was Dave Spurlock (1094) with 29.90 hours, followed by Richard de Kok (1124) with 23.93 hours, and Michael Turner with 20.39 hours.
Overall, Dave remains waaaaaay out in front with a whopping 409.62 hours, followed by Lukexcom (1039) with 307.64 hours.
Excellent job, everyone!
Promotions
* Lars Peter Galaasen (1052) has been promoted to ATP
* Michael Turner (1029) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Robert Davis (1074) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Adam Wilmer (1102) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations!
San Jose Chronicle Editorial
Note: The following appeared in the most recent edition of the San Jose Chronicle
By Elizabeth Ricochet
Old time visitors to San Jose International Airport who happen to be making a return visit will immediately notice a change in the scenery.
Up until earlier last week if you wandered over to the southeast corner of the airport, your eyes would have been treated to a precisely surveyed line of well maintained, modern, 4 bay hangars right along the eastern edge. Abutting this line of business like buildings, like a cold sore on the mouth of a suffering beauty queen, you would have seen a sprawling, dilapidated, rusted zinc construction. Over this questionable structure hung a hand painted sign warning those entering of their impending folly. Next to that you would have found a caboose.
I know a caboose is the last thing you expect to see at a 21st century jetport located in a forward moving metropolis, but it is there nonetheless. Around these contrivances one would have seen an assortment of personnel, more fitting in a circus, cavorting around as they supposedly went about the business of providing chartered air service to the citizens of San Jose and the San Francisco Bay Area. This suspect gathering of imbeciles, former inmates and arcane structures form a disreputable local business known as Pier Glass Aviation.
I am sorry to say the caboose still remains, but the antiquated zinc monstrosity is now an equally ugly pile of debris. The hangar collapsed last week, probably from old age and embarrassment from being associated with such an organization as Pier Glass Aviation.
Investigations into the cause of the collapse have come up with bizarre stories of rooms that expand and shrink to accommodate their contents, a maniacal super computer and a berserk robot straight out of a science fiction movie, a badly written science fiction movie that is. Outrageous fictions are not a stranger to Pier Glass Aviation. They are part and parcel to this organization, which opened its doors for business a little over a year ago and has plagued our fair community since.
Fortunately, no reports of any injuries have been forth coming, which is more than one can say about some of the exploits of this gang of rag tag pilots. One source claimed that two people are missing in what they call a calamity and I call a judgment from on high. Missing are one Mr. Baldrick, who has on occasion acted as a semi-official spokesperson for the organization, and a senior pilot, with the unlikely name Lukexcom. One pilot said that the missing Lukexcom was a mixed blessing. The donuts placed out for pilot refreshment are not as plentiful as they were under the missing pilot's direction, but they are said to be of fresher quality.
As last week moved into this one, there is no sign that the rubble from the fallen deathtrap is being removed. One could hope that it is due to the organization's deciding to move on to greener pastures. The probable cause is more likely the lack of funds. Pier Glass Aviation has been rumored to be in dire financial straits for the last few months. Evidence of their fiscal weakness is late paychecks for the employees and the lack of grounds maintenance around their place of business.
Either case should give hope for San Jose Airport Authorities. Whether the organization known as Pier Glass Aviation took the collapse of their hangar as a sign to move on, or they close their doors due to Chapter 10 action, they would be gone from our fair city. A severe nuisance and offence to the eyes would go as well. In addition, our citizens could once again travel by air with a renewed faith in their safety.
B-52 Disappears
A B-52 G model has disappeared from an undisclosed air base in Arizona. The plane had just arrived and was to be mothballed but over night the plane vanished without a trace. Nobody seems to know how the plane was refueled, taxied and took off with nobody seeing anything. The tower controller and the line maintenance officer when asked just said "no comment, ask the base commander". The base commander Klink (yeah, we got a laugh outa that one too) smiled and said, "well, these things happen" and had us escorted off the base.
In an apparently unrelated incident 100 500 pound bombs disappeared from the Concord weapons center in Northern California.
Cutter's Jet Update
What follows is the latest intercepted radio transmission in the ongoing saga of Mr. Cutter's Beechjet:
This is BeechJet IMN01CA. I hope I'm on the right frequency and this is getting to the right people.
Look, I just want to get outa this in one piece see. I'm just a poor slob that got stuck in the middle of a really bad situation. I'm on my way to return the plane to this Cutter person and I'm sure he will just be happy to have his plane back and let me go. The problem is I have this guy in an F-22 Raptor behind me and he doesn't seem to be in a forgiving mood. So far I've managed to loose him thanks to the Athena Device but it overheats a lot and I have to turn it off. As soon as I do he sees me. He's a good stick and one of these times the device won't cool down in time and I will probably be a very large smoking hole in the ground.
Now if the right people are getting this message maybe you could let the guy in the Raptor know that I am on my way back to San Jose California to return the plane and would be most grateful if he didn't blow me out of the sky. I'm sure this Cutter guy would rather have the plane back than my hide. Well I did here a rumor that he collects hides but I'm sure that's just a rumor (I hope).
I know I only have two sidewinders and the 50 cals to work with and it's not much against a fully armed F-22 but with the Athena Device and a little luck you never know. I will fight if I have to but I'd much rather just return this plane and disappear.
This is BeechJet IMN01CA…..(Message repeats)
PGA's Role Model in the Looks Department
Terry Thacker (1063) would like it to be known that "I may not be the best pilot, but am by far the best looking hunk on the rosta...."
The Boss will be interested to hear how well Terry's plans to get by on his wit, charm, and good looks rather than piloting skill work in the context of upcoming missions. Stay tuned...
Pilot Reports
Michael "Same Old Story" Turner (1029) claims he knows now that nothing has changed since the days of BAC. He had just landed at Sacramento and was taxiing in to pick up the Senators when he lost his whole radio stack. He says he doesn't know what caused it, but there was a lot of lightning in the area. The senators were not happy about the wait while the radios were repaired, and let the Boss know this later in no uncertain terms. Fortunately, the Boss is not particularly inclined to listen to the complaints of senators about her planes and pilots any more than they seem inclined to listen to her complaints about the FAA.
The Boss also thought she might point out to Michael that things have changed a bit...Back in the days of BAC, the radio would have failed before he got on the ground, and more likely before he received clearance to land. She also says to open the windows on your plane because it smells like an opium den in there, and no you can't have extra money for a back massage.
Adam "Back in the Saddle" Wilmer (1102) finally woke up from the coma induced by his last... er, arrival, and headed to Apex Airpark in lousy weather. He says he couldn't see a thing during the second leg of the mission, and had to pull out his GPS to figure out his position after becoming disoriented. Fortunately, he made it down without further incident.
However, a couple of missions later he had problems finding the airport again, and claims his engine wasn't giving him full power although his gauges were in the green. Kibitzers around the coffeepot considered that he was at 8000 ft, and speculated loudly that he may not have been adjusting the mixture properly.
Lars Peter "Priority Handling" Galaasen (1052) was turning final to 28L at San Francisco when suddenly the engine decided it wasn't going to cooperate with the remainder of the flight. After Lars declared an emergency, Tower cleared the airspace for him and he had no problems reaching the runway. He also reports no 747s were trying to cross the runway during his roll-out, and speculates that they must have heard the Boss was in the area. No one has told him that declaring an emergency will keep that sort of thing from happening on a regular basis, on the chance he might take advantage of the situation.
Jonbiggles (a/k/a "Questionable Pilot") (1079) says he loves the Mooney because it's so fast, even though he's really crap at landing it because it's heavy and it's difficult to get the hang of the speed brakes. In case no one has answered your questions, Jon, the frequency for Bay Approach is 134.5. In an emergency, you should just transmit your mayday to approach or tower or whomever is listening. Finally, I am not aware of any keyboard command that toggles the speed brakes in the Mooney without your having edited the joykeys.cfg file. I have always just clicked on the button on the panel, myself. Anyone else?
Rick "Blind Faith" Smith (1114) should have known better than to fly up there that late in the rain. He says the ILS was "entertaining as usual", as were the passengers who referred to him as a "low-life neanderthal." Rather than pitch them out then and there as some might have done, Rick waited until the turbulence was bad enough to bother HIM a little before announcing "God is my co-pilot" and explained that he was turning the controls over to the Divine Creator while he turned out the cabin lighting and sat back to discuss the day's events with the passengers.
No, he hadn't switched on the autopilot (the Boss was relieved to hear, as it's not the best idea in that sort of turbulence), and says it was a fine madcap descent into the darkness until his passengers recanted the derrogatory statement and promised a generous tip at the end of the flight.
Brett "Belly-Flop" Lyons (1036) believes he might be allergic to carrying passengers. He picked up the divine Miss Goodbody from Lake Cushman and (as usual) she was upset and needed a shoulder to cry on. After listening for a while, he decided to help her take her mind off of things and started explaining how the auto-pilot system works (from the front seat or the back seat, Brett?). He also set the autopilot for a fully automatic ILS landing and says things were going great -- Miss Goodbody was impressed and he could tell she liked him. The Renegade went on to make a perfect water landing on the tarmac... meaning of course the gear was up.
Yes, you need to fill out a LOT of forms now Brett... and no point running and hiding from the Boss, it'll just go worse for you when she finds you. We have a case of pens right over there for you to use, and after you're done come up to the blackboard and write "I will remember to put the gear down" 500 times.
Geoff "Short Runway!" McLean (1071) took his time finding his destination airport, and when he did he ended up making an unexpected touch & go when he almost ran out of runway. He says Annie loved the bump and full power run-up of the engines, and thinks she'll be a pilot someday. He suggested she should fly for PGA because we need more women (the Boss agrees wholeheartedly), but this may well lay rest to the popular working theory that the mysterious ("nine - going on 20!") Annie is his daughter, as most parents would rather their daughters grew up to work in a brothel than for PGA.
Philippe "Renegade?" Damerval (1007) started off with the Arrow but lost the engine shortly after takeoff. He put down at Alameda and grabbed a spare Renagade that was just sitting there on the ramp. He flew the plane at top speed to San Franscisco and then to San Jose, making it down just before the sun disappeared below the horizon. He taxied into the hangar and shut down, glad to hand over the boxes because "strange noises" were coming out of them.
The next morning several law enforcement officers were seen scrutinizing the Renegades parked outside on PGA's ramp, apparently looking for something. They didn't seem happy when they didn't find it, and the Boss wouldn't let them in the hangar without a search warrant.
Meanwhile, the Boss needs a hand getting this old pile of Renegade parts moved over to the OAC hangar where it belongs sometime tonight after the moon sets. Seems the parts were mis-delivered and she really doesn't want them.
Allan "The Ghost" Dodds (1068) made a terse report that he crashed on the first leg of his flight and all aboard were killed. Follow up by the NTSB shows that Boeing Tower cleared him to fly to Renton, then cleared a heavy for takeoff right behind him. He was flying his assigned course and was hit from behind. "They never knew what hit them," was the NTSB official's comment.
Interestingly, Dodds has continued to submit PIREPs from beyond the grave. Management commends his dedication.
Terry "Arf!" Thacker (1063) was taking a load of china to Gnoss in moderate turbulence, and speculates that the next flight up there will be with a load of superglue. Something about bouncing "like a spaniel in heat" when he landed.
On his first flight, Dr "Hopeful" Fester (1057) was cleared Number 1 for landing at Sea-Tac when a Learjet flashed under him on a long final, necessitating a go-around. He wanted to know if the Boss had a Learjet, apparently not realizing her penchant for aircraft with spinny things over aircraft with blowy-things.
As an aside, Dr Fester has spent almost his entire career to date trying to butter up the Boss, leaving flowers in the plane for her, and even offering to polish her plane. Unfortunately, any thawing that might have occurred was negated the moment he invited her to dinner on her pay for dinner.
Fredric "New Plane!" Tai (1065) was taxiing out at Tacoma Narrows when an ambulance came screaming out of nowhere onto the taxiway. He was unable to avoid hitting the ambulance and as a result tore the entire left wing off the plane. Fortunately for him, the FAA inspectors he was ferrying discovered the ambulance driver was drunk, and Tai was off the hook in that regard. Unfortunately, because it was FAA inspectors he was ferrying, Tai could not use the tried-and-true "broomsticks and duct tape" method of wing reattachment and had to wait for another plane before he could complete the flight.
Richard "Dreamer" de Kok (1124) claims he found a way to impress everybody on the Hollywood set -- his old leathe pilot jacket, white silk scarf, and Raybans. He says the girls were throwing themselves at his feet and his date calendar was filled until the end of the month.
Then his supervisor shook him awake in the back of the Cessna and sent him back to work.
1 November 2000
IRS Coincidence
Earlier this week, PGA received an open letter from one Charlie Hilmar at the Internal Revenue Service, making vague quasi-allegations and near-accusations, and suggesting that PGA's books may be subject to some scrutiny in part on the basis of unconfirmed and admittedly probably untrue news reports and some sort of assumed working relationship with Cutter and Associates.
In a completely unrelated incident, certain members of Mr. Hilmar's immediate family were involved in an accident. Details are sketchy, but we were able to confirm that the accident involved an old mattress, a gallon of oil, a drum sander, and a snickering pilot.
When asked to comment, PGA Boss Shanya Dzhjonovna would only state that she does not know anything at all and is, in fact, having serious doubts about that. Financial Director Peter Fellowes' stated that "I refer you to Protekt, Suethem and Frightner 3 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam, London. For any comments regarding IRS officials or their families. The matter is out of my hands." Upon further reflection, Ms. Dzhjonovna amended her comment to "yeah, what he said."
Mr. Cutter could not be reached for comment prior to press time.
Richard de Kok Survives Promotion
Richard "Hamburger" de Kok was promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I) this week, and the Boss herself insisted on pinning his new rank to him in an unusually gruesome ceremony.
The Boss would like to reassure all of the lesser-ranked pilots that not every Senior Captain (Cat. I) promotion is like this, just the ones for pilots who have, at some point in their PGA careers, referred to the Boss as a "cow."
Top Pilots
Top pilot for last week was Rick Smith (1114) with 19.75 hours. Number two was Joachim Lueers (1040) with 19.1 hours, followed closely by Rip (1042) with 19.07 hours.
Overall, Dave Spurlock is still out in front with 425.67 hours, followed by Lukexcom (1039) with 376.43 hours.
Excellent job, everyone!
Promotions
* Rick Smith (1114) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Richard A. de Kok (1124) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Geoff McLean (1070) has been promoted to Captain
* Rip (1042) has been promoted to ATP
* Philippe Damerval (1007) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Brett Lynes (1036) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Joachim Lueers (1040) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Dr Fester (1057) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Mike Reil (1086) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Bill Woodford (1129) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Matt Chamberlain (1045) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Peter Moore (1084) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
PGA Stocks for Pilots
PGA announced this week (well, actually, just this minute) that it will be issuing stocks to all pilots who request them or who simply endlessly pester the Boss about wanting some.
Eligible pilots are given a choice between two different classes of stocks. Requests should include wrist and neck sizes for class A stocks, and ankle size for class B stocks. Failure to provide same may result in undue chafing or other discomfort.
Cutter Jet Retrieved
Cutter's jet has been spotted in its usual parking place next to Cutter and Associates private hanger. The aircraft, which landed in the early hours of the morning, was immediately covered with a tarp. One witness said on condition of anonymity that the pilot was escorted to the C&A hanger by Guido and the VP of PGA (cue dark, ominous, dramatic chord). Neither Guido nor the VP were available for comment, and the junior staff reporter who was assigned to keep asking has disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
It is rumored that a crew was working during the hours of darkness to repair what appeared to be bullet holes in the tail section of the returned aircraft. An FAA inspector caught sneaking away from the scene was asked to comment on the apparent bullet holes and the reported scorch marks that seemed to indicate a sidewinder missile had been fired from the aircraft. After repeated questioning, the inspector would only say (and we quote): "I didn't see any holes, bullet or otherwise, and they don't arm Beechjets with sidewinder missles that would be ridiculous. By the way may I please see your credentials and you don't happen to have a pilots' license do you?" At this point we thanked the inspector for his time and beat a hasty retreat.
Early this morning, Cutter's official spokesman, Nunzio Cutter, stated that the pilot was "resting comfortably" and not available for any interviews at this time. When asked if the pilot would be in line for any reward for the jet's return, Nunzio stated that the pilot had refused any reward, as he was just happy to have been able to return Mr. Cutter's property be allowed to live the rest of his natural lifespan. When asked if we might interview the pilot and or the PGA VP, Nunzio would only say, "it depends". He would not say on what.
Pilot Reports
Richard "BeechJet Butcher" de Kok (1124) has been busy breaking in... what's that Dave? Oh, right. Start again. Richard de Kok (1124) has been busy breaking the BeechJet since surviving his hard-won promotion. He reportedly made six attempts at the ILS approach before getting in (let's see... Jet A at SeaTac is $3.20 per gallon... the BeechJet burns something like 1.5 gallons per minute... vectors to a single ILS approach under the control of the Wicked Witch of the West takes at least half an hour... multiply by six...), and then skidded on the runway. The plane was left in one piece, but de Kok reports the tires were completely trashed. The Boss would like to give de Kok a special award for "most money spent on a landing," and requests that he stop by her office next time he's in town.
Jorge "We Don' Need No Stinkin' Nosewheel" El Grande (1131) returned from a lengthy absence ready to get back in the air again. Whatever he was doing while he was gone, it must not have involved much sleep, as he apparently set the auto-pilot and took a "nice little cat nap" until Bay Approach woke him up to tell him to contact Travis Approach.
He reports that during preflight he noticed the usual amount of duct tape wrapped around the nosewheel of the Mooney's oleo strut and deemed the aircraft safe for flight. Unfortunately, he neglected to consider if the aircraft was safe for landing, as he touched down at Moskowite with full flaps and speed brakes in a heavy crosswind and promptly folded the nosewheel. He applied full power and went around for another approach, this time cutting off the engine before touchdown and holding the nose off as long as he could until the cowl "softly dug in a bit into the sod runway." He was able to use duct tape to put the nosewheel back on, and sets forth the question to all PGA pilots: if he were to eat alphabet soup, could they see them in an X-ray?
Management suggests that other pilots humor him for now. He should be recovering from the effects of whatever blow he took to the head during the incident in the next few days.
Allan "Yo-Yo" Dodds (1068) was the focus of Bouncing Betty's attention the other day, giving him a set of ever-changing altitudes and vectors that were even more psycho than usual during a Medivac flight. Maybe we should have told him the guy he was transporting was Betty's ex-husband?
Alistair "In Kind" Lark (1117) apparently enjoyed his time with Miss Goodbody this week, saying she paid "in kind" as well as in cash. A couple of flights later, he reports she wanted more, so he obliged. Well, Alistair, it seems to us that you received such payment on behalf of your employer, we believe you need to find a way to return it to your employer if you wish to continue receiving a regular paycheck. Bubba (the big, greasy, inbred mechanic who was an extra in the movie, "Deliverance") would like to discuss this matter with you in person next time you're in town.
Dave "Insult to Injury" Spurlock (1094) used to think the best cargo for a PGA pilot to fly was printed material: "It doesn't smell, doesn't argue with you, complain about the way you were flying and it didn't deface the interior of a plane. It just sits there and lets you get on with the job." However, the recent delivery of a bunch of scripts to San Jose and Santa Rosa seems to have changed his mind.
First, the delivery to him was late -- "Not my fault, right?"
When the van finally arrived, the driver slid the side cargo doors wide open for unloading, which allowed the propwash from a passing OAC Baron to blow the neat stacks of paper into a white tornado. Some pages blew outside and disappeared over the hills before Dave could catch them -- "Not my fault, right?"
At San Jose, he started unloading what the thought belonged there -- of course, because of the disaster in San Francisco, he couldn't be sure. He was about halfway through when Luke pulled out with his souped up Baron and apparently took it into his head that it would be fun to blow Captain Dave's cap off. By the time the hurricane died down, many pages were missing and the ones that weren't were showing signs of wear -- "Not my fault, right?"
Of course, the weather was deteriorating, so Dave had to file IFR and put himself into the hands of the Wicked Witch of the West. Need we say more?
When he finally arrived at Santa Rosa, it was raining cats and dogs. So on top of being late, disorganized, mangled, and some missing in action, they got wet -- "None of this was my fault."
Yes, Dave, you knew you'd get blamed anyway, but such is the life of a pilot. Oh, by the way, there are a couple of citations here for you from San Francisco and San Jose.... They're for littering.
Terry "Stud" Thacker (1063) says he thought "Mrs" meant the lady was married -- nonetheless, he reports that Mrs Phelz kept trying to get her hands on his "yoke" through the whole flight, "if you get my drift."
You know, Terry, we were looking at your radar track for that flight, and yes, we certainly do get your drift now. We'd wondered what was up with that. As for your report that she said you were the hunkiest pilot she had ever broken cloud with... well, we have to admit, she didn't complain as she usually does when pilots go that far off course.
Bill "Nervous Laughter" Wooford (1129) reports he had some trouble finding Skykomish, but then found it "after a few lucky guesses." Despite the extra time he took locating Skykomish, Wooford apparently was left just a bit short on hours for his promotion to Private Pilot. The Boss herself kindly offered a special mission flying a dozen mostly-sedated live wolverines over to Ranger Creek, just to get that last little bit of time. Almost before she could finish the suggestion, however, Wooford suddenly remembered that he had flown another mission and forgotten to submit the PIREP to his supervisor, so a special mission would not be necessary.
He did wonder aloud, however, if there weren't regulations about dangerous animals (especially the kind that can rip through a mans throat like a hot knife through butter) in tiny trainers. The Boss will leave it to the other pilots to explain things to him.
Peter "Hallucination" Jensen (1048) picked up his shiny new Trainer from Friendly Fred's lot and, after a brief checkout, promptly headed out to Coupeville Nolf to pick up Miss Torvalds. He reports the landing at and departure from Coupeville Nolf went fine, but when he got to Quarter Horse something didn't seem quite right. After boarding Missy, he got out to have a good look at the plane and was shocked to discover it was actually parked UNDER the runway! At first when the Boss heard this, she was afraid it was another case where the asphalt had melted into a tar pit, but Jensen says he was able to take off normally (we suppose pretending that nothing is wrong when things get improbable is as good an idea as any) and there was not a scratch on the plane.
Well, Peter, we'd say you've been working too hard but we don't believe in such silly ideas and suggest you work a little harder perhaps so you won't have time to be imagining things. ;)
Grant "More Altitude" Muckart (1024) says he made his first successful landing at Parret. Apparently the other attempts all ended in disaster of some sort or another (the Boss raises an eyebrow at this), but this time he remembered to maintain enough altitude and bring it in slow and steady to get it on the deck in one piece. Next question -- did you manage to get it stopped in one piece, as well?
Lars Peter "Lucky" Galaasen (1052) gave his passengers a flight they will never forget (although it appears me may wish to forget it himself). Apparently he hit the runway at Davis Woodland-Winters and discovered that the landing gear was UP. Through some miracle, the plane actually bounced back into the air and he was able to give it full-throttle to go around. He checked out the plane and found it was still amazingly in one piece, although the electrical system had failed. He tried the landing again (this time with gear DOWN) and rolled to a stop at the end of the runway. The passengers left without further comment, but at least they were all in one piece. Who, exactly, did you sell your soul to there, Lars?
Peter "Run Over Me" Moore (1084) made his first flight as a PGA pilot, and apparently got the full treatment at SEA-TAC. Tower cleared a Citation to land as Peter was turning final, and the Citation zipped in underneath him, necessitating a go-around. Afterwards, as he was taxiing over to the FBO, a DC-10 came up behind him on the taxiway, forcing him to take to the landscaping -- of course, Ground criticised him for having left the taxiway.
Welcome to PGA, Peter. It's good to have you on board.
Rick "Look Out!" Smith (1114) has the Boss reaching for the prescription pain relievers again (dang it, I thought I'd finally kicked that habit!) after she personally witnessed his arrival in a company Baron the other day. He slipped into the pattern with a couple of "fun-loving Pipers" - one in front and of course the obligatory "six-o'clock Charlie." As he was lining up for the "textbook" approach, "Charlie" ducked in low and quick. Yes, Rick, she believes it took no real effort whatsoever for you to have all but set down on his cabin roof like that. However, she thinks perhaps the landing gear stress tolerances on the Baron were exceeded by a little more than just a fraction and that's why the rolly-things snapped off like that.
Hey, look... isn't that your sandwich? (Tune in next week to find out if he notices the descending priming crank handle in time...)
Geoff "Lean, Mean" McLean (1071) read in the weather report that the skies were "partly cloudy." As the sky was absolutely clear above BFI, it should have come as no surprise to him that three minutes after takeoff he was socked in solid. After all, the weather report is an average of the sky cover for the area, right?
Nonetheless, Geoff pressed on, flying to about where he knew the lake to be. He located the Easton State beacon, flew Northwest from there, and then prayed a lot as he let down in a level area. To his great relief, it was water. To his credit, it was the right water. Cargo delivered, he made his way back through the soup to discover the skies still perfectly clear at BFI. He swears he will never again fly in such preposterous weather to a destination without an ILS. The Boss laaaaughs.....
As an aside, Geoff did comment that he thinks he lost 10 pounds in sweat alone on that flight. Obviously, this is a good thing, as the less you pilots weigh, the more cargo you can take.
Michael "Hide Out" Turner (1029) was enjoying the company of a nice young lady named Beth when he suddenly lost the radios in his plane. Undaunted, he set down at Port of Poulsbo, where it apparently took three hours for some extremely well-paid mechanics to reconnect the antenna wire. Meanwhile, Mr. Turner took advantage of the delay to take Beth swimming. In his own words: "Enough said."
Well, Michael, the Boss's investigation into the size of the radio repair bill was one thing, and you may as well know that no, she wasn't at all happy. But you also should know that your problems in that regard pale in comparison to what you face the moment the PGA VP gets wind of this...
Dr "Putrid" Fester (1057) earned his promotion to Private Pilot this week and, as so many do, leapt right into the Mooney, singing praises of its cruise speed, autopilot, and (most importantly, to hear him tell it) a heater that works. His song became a bit fainter by the next flight, however, as he noticed a rather nasty smell coming from the baggage hold and realized a bit too late that he should have left the heater off.
Joachim "Round and Round" Lueers (1040) reports that he saw "circles and curious signs" in the fields five minutes west of Sacramento, and that "It looks a bit like a big DOUGHNUT!"
While normally management encourages pilots to eat the doughnuts provided for them in the hangar (in lieu of other meals, that is), we would like to suggest that Joachim switch to eating some of the fine square snacks available from the vending machine in the corner for a while.
20 November 2000
Captain Joel Moves Up
PGA's own pilot and roller-coaster addict, Captain Joel Rogers (1006), has announced that he has been hired by Northwest Airlines and will begin training next month. What, haven't they seen that video of you taking your BeechJet under every bridge in the Bay Area? How could they possibly think you'd need more training, Joel? Joel is the first PGA pilot to have been hired by a major airline, and we know he credits all of the hours he's flown for PGA to his success.
Unfortunately, this means that Joel has found it necessary to retire from his supervisory duties, although he will remain on the roster at PGA as a "regular" pilot. Of course, all other pilots will be expected to bow low and avert their eyes whenever he walks into a room -- much as they do now, only with far more reverence than before.
Seriously, congratulations, Joel! First marriage, and now this...! Dare we ask what's next?
Any of Joel's pilots who have not received other instructions via e-mail will be reporting to the Boss until further notice. Anyone interested in a position as a PGA supervisor, check the classifieds for more information.
Top Pilots
Once again, it's been a few weeks and because of a few reporting anomalies, I'm not sure who ended up as top pilot this round. So to everyone who has flown since the last update, thank you for your efforts.
(Okay, so it's a cop-out... but I've been working on this update for something like six hours now, it's almost 1:00 in the morning, and I'm tired!)
Promotions
* Dylan Cummins (1016) has been promoted to Senior Captain
* Andy Booth (1046) has been promoted to Senior Captain
* Michael Droy (1069) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Terry Thacker (1063) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Boris Freier (1092) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Gary "Drastic" Achenbach (1101) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
PGA Investigates Ad-Ware for Planes
Now that both the PGA website and forum are ad-free, the Board of Directors has decided to install ad-ware in all company planes as a way to increase revenue. Advertisements will appear across the top of the paneland we have been promised that the banners will only obscure the top part of some of the instruments on the VFR panel. The ad screen may occasionally draw power from the engine to drive its ad-receiving radio, but the power drain will only occur when the advertisement is scheduled to update, and should be small enough so that no noticeable loss of altitude should occur in most cases. Furthermore, expected reduced framerates in congested areas will slow down the sequence of events in a landing and give you more time to get set up properly, which obviously is a tremendous safety advantage.
As an added bonus, the 'Punch the Monkey' banner is sure to keep your younger passengers amused during those longer flights.
The Board will be selecting a few pilots deserving of special attention to beta test the system in a variety of aircraft over the next several weeks.
McLean In Deep Doo-Doo
Captain Geoff McLean called in and left a cryptic message with Baldrick earlier this week. While most of the original message got lost in the translation, the Boss was able to pick up on the fact that McLean is in Las Vegas and has a jet... which, according to her records, he is not authorized to fly in accordance with his current rank of "Captain."
The Boss was last seen heading for a company BeechJet with her priming crank handle in hand, muttering darkly about the cost of Jet-A and something about "pound for pound" and "pilot flesh." No one dared get close enough to hear any more.
Suspicious Spurlock
Some people have noticed that Captain Dave Spurlock has made some major panel upgrades to his private fleet of late. Considering there is a lengthy waiting list (up to six months) at all of the avionics shops in the area, many have been wondering just how it is he's managed to get his panels updated so quickly. When questioned, Spurlock simply replied "what area?" and left the room.
TOOTSD Doughnuts Targeted by FDA
The doughnuts proffered by The Order Of The Stale Doughnut have been targeted by the federal Food and Drug Administration for investigation into their purported addictive properties. As a result, all TOOTSD doughnuts have been confiscated with the assistance of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. "It's clearly under the jurisdiction of that agency," stated Attorney General Janet Reno in a press conference. "Doughnuts have a high sugar and yeast content, and therefore are easily fermented into alcohol. Doughnuts may be ground up and smoked in a pipe, much like tobacco, and certainly these doughnuts have exhibited many of the same addictive properties as tobacco. Furthermore, certain of the dougnuts seized have been found to be extraordinarily hard and suitable for use as projectiles. There also is no record of payment of the federal doughnut excise tax imposed under the National Diner Safety and Protection Act of 1936 on any of the doughnuts seized from the underground TOOTSD bunker. This agency's participation in the so-called "Doughnut Raids" therefore is justified and completely appropriate."
All doughnuts seized have been transported under maximum security to the FDA testing labs, where it is reported that numerous addicted pilo... er, monkeys await relief from extreme withdrawal symptoms suffered after ingestion of one doughnut each. "If the TOOTSD doughnuts are found to be at all addictive and a danger to the health of our country's children, then we stand ready to do whatever is necessary to rid our country of this scourge," stated Co-Presidents George Walker Bush and Al Gore, Jr. in a prepared statement this afternoon. "We will hand-count each and every doughnut as many times as necessary to ensure that the will of the people is carried out," chimed in Semi-President Gore as he munched on what looked suspiciously like a doughnut-hole.
Lukexcom, self-proclaimed grand high poobah of TOOTSD, could not be reached for comment.
TOOTSD Charter Violated -- Luke Ousted
Certain members of The Order of the Stale Doughnut were reviewing the charter this week, and discovered that TOOTSD was founded when the PGA Boss inducted Lukexcom (1039) into the Order as reward for his service in ensuring that no known birthdate passed unnoticed at PGA. It seems Luke was in the habit of posting messages to the forum congratulating pilots on their birthdays and giving each one a doughnut.
A review of the records disclosed that after his induction into the Order, Luke has absolutely and totally neglected this service -- a fact which shakes the very foundations of TOOTSD.
A secret emergency meeting of the TOOTSD membership was called in accordance with the Bylaws to determine what action would be taken. All members present voted unanimously to remove him from office, whereupon several volunteers set forth to clean out his desk and dismantle HAL. Everything was then stuffed into numerous cardboard boxes and left in the parking lot.
"I think Luke deserves whatever happens to him. If not for one thing I am sure he did something else," stated one member on condition of anonymity.
Pilot Reports
Michael "Nobody Told Me!" Turner (1029) met the ever-popular Beth for the first time last week. So impressed was he with Beth and her "charms" (his words not ours) that he thought of asking her out for a date. Some well-meaning person, however, told Michael who Beth was related to and, more to the point, who that relative was friendly with. Michael gave this careful consideration and decided in the interests of safety (mainly his) that a trip down to San Jose would be in order.
Upon arrival, Turner found himself assigned to fly around some of the more out-of-the-way places over the wine areas. However, it has been noted by a couple of dispatchers that the quantity of wine being delivered is not the same as the quantity being loaded. Further, Michael claims to have seen a pyramid in a field on the way to Byron. While Michael seems happy at his job with PGA for the moment, he may wish to be aware that the Boss has been looking at the dispatchers' reports about cargo leakage and a Black BeechJet has just landed at San Jose.
Geoff "Not Tonight Betty" McLean (1071) had his name down for one of the Hollywood flights on the schedule board, but very bad weather meant he, the passengers, and the monkeys had to wait for an improvement in the conditions before they could take off. By midnight, the weather had lifted to take-off minimums, but it seems all of the passengers (including the pilo... er, monkeys) had been partaking of the free "hospitality" provided on the Learjet. Despite this, Geoff managed to call for and receive clearance, but suffered two engine start up failures. He eventually got the turbines going and the flight underway, by which time he was beginning to wish that he had taken the night off and stayed at home. Nonetheless, he managed to get his tipsy load of passengers delivered safely.
On the return flight to San Jose, Geoff (who was by this time very very tired and likely suffering from a slight headache) thought he might take the "easy" option of an ILS approach. Alas, Betty herself was on duty and apparently thought his logbook needed a bit of extra time in it. Geoff declined her kind offer, cancelled IFR, and opted for a straight-in landing. He landed safely (as you might expect of any PGA Captain), but stopped very near the end of 30R. Well Geoff, PGA management's view is that if they built the runway that long you might as well use it all... be a shame not to really.
Dondo "Bicycle Built for Two" (1087) says he has himself a a trusty co pilot called "Daisy," whom he takes on the routine flights for a little company. He says Daisy is even allowed to take the controls whilst Dondo does some en-route VFR navigation (or "sightseeing", as he puts it). Daisy's first landing was pretty smooth, except, as Dondo puts it "The aircraft clipped a cow" whilst on the taxi to parking. Well, that makes a change as most pilots hit the cow on landing. Word has already spread that the weekly barbecue is on and pilots can be seen heading for Boeing from the surrounding areas.
Dondo states that the cargo starting stinking real bad and he is not sure what is in the boxes but the plane now smells "real bad." He thinks the aircraft needs some "stick ups or air freshener or whatever they are called". Well, Dondo, as any pilot will tell you they are called windows and should be kept open at every opportunity.
Dick "By Air and Road" Lisboa (1027) was on one of those flights that pilots dream of -- pick up at Gnoss and drop off at Lake Berryessa (followed no doubt by refreshments at Darby's Fishing Shack). All was going well as Dick entered left downwind for Gnoss in the Beaver... he selected two notches of flap and at 800 ft and was on a stabilized approach when the engine decided it had done enough for the day and stopped working.
Fortunately, Dick spotted a river nearby and managed to glide to that. Unfortunately, the river was rather shallow and there was some damage to the floats. Being not far from Gnoss, Dick had the Beaver towed in, had the engine fixed, and made repairs to the floats with the mandatory duct tape. The fishermen waiting at Gnoss who were expecting Dick to arrive by air were somewhat suprised to see the Beaver being towed in on the road and asked how long it would take to get to Lake Berryessa that way.
Philippe "Jet Propelled" Damerval (1007) was hauling some dogs on one of the Hollywood flights and says it was "sheer flatulent horror." Philippe says he is a qualified Mystery Tour pilot, and even that was never as bad as this (other Mystery Tour pilots take note and remember -- things could always be worse). He climbed to 8000 ft and opened the windows in search of some relief. Fortunately, it appears there was a bit of extra boost provided by the dogs' noxious discharges, as Philippe claims to have achieved an IAS of 250kts in the Mooney, presumably in level flight. As Philippe was compelled to hold his breath for most of the flight (save for the occasional gasp of air obtained by sticking his head out the window), it likely is well that his flight time was cut so dramatically.
On ILS final, SAC Tower had the gall to tell him to go around due to departing traffic. Philippe could see the Trainer lazily departing along the runway and thought if he had to hold his breath against the pestilence any longer he would black out. Knowing the Mooney can easily outrun a Trainer, he decided to land anyway. When the pilot of the Trainer saw the Mooney coming in fast behind him he pulled the stick back and cleared the runway just as Philippe touched down -- not a moment too soon.
If there are any FAA remarks about the unauthorized landing Philippe will invite them into the Mooney and if they survive he at least hopes they will understand. Meanwhile, the Boss is looking into "DFATO" (Dog Flatulence Assisted Take-Off) technology to help some of the smaller planes carrying heavier loads get off of short airstrips.
Rick "That's Why I'm a Senior Captain" Smith (1114) was on a routine Hollywood trip departing from LAX, carting the "same plastic people with their plastic smiles." Just before take off the Rent-a-Tendant (TM) rushed forward to report an emergency -- they were out of sparkling water and honey roasted cashews! Fortunately, at that moment Rick spotted a catering wagon pulling up to a waiting UAL flight. Employing the quick thinking that is all part of the PGA Senior Captain Training Programme, he taxied over to the catering wagon. He and the Rent-a-Tendant (TM) jumped out and filled up his flight bag with all sort of goodies originally destined for the UAL flight's first class section, plus some 6 bags of peanuts and a couple bottles of soda. Minutes later, as he took off from LAX, Rick and his new-found partner in crime clinked their champagne glasses together in celebration of a job well done while the pax were all safely belted in and enjoying their peanuts and soda.
Gary "Well, I'm New Here!" Achenbach (1101) has had an interesting if somewhat busy first week with PGA. In his short time with us, he has already learnt some basic "seat of your pants" flying skills, and that flying for us is not anywhere near being an office manager at 45,000ft sort of job.
He says that some of the "Tower Types" might say he got caught with a crosswind on landing but its just them pulling your leg, he was really only trying to "side slip" against the headwind he just sort of side slipped a little too much, no the right wing tip is not damaged just sort of scratched a little, and the landing gear is not bent all, don't they all look like that?. When asked about the glide path descent angle Gary said "oh no, do we use those?" He went on to sing the company song (at least the one the pilots seem to have adopted: "PGA has good insurance and there's always the landing gear discount or failing that that's why we carry duct tape, right?"
Gary has also met she whom he calls "The IFR Lady", who routed him out near Sequima. Well, Gary around these parts she is called Bouncing Betty, and you're sure to meet her again, likely much sooner than you would like. Upon consideration, and in light of his experiences during his first week, Gary has decided the only reasonable thing to do is to file the flight plans... directly into the waste basket by the coffeepot, and just get in the plane and fly. Most of the pilots around the hanger were glad to hear the new guy learns so quickly. Welcome to PGA, Gary!
Richard "Flameout" de Kok (1124) continues making his supervisor cringe every time he hands in a PIREP. On one flight, he lost the right engine due to a fire 15 minutes after takeoff. Realizing that he could hold altitude and continue making progress, he told the passengers that they had lost an engine (he neglected to mention the fire) and offered them the choice of either flying back for repairs and losing a day, or pushing on with one engine and losing an hour. He says they voted unanimously to push on, even after he explained the risks. The Boss was seen looking for her asprin in the Broom Closet shortly after hearing of this.
A short time later, another report came in that de Kok had made an emergency landing three miles short of the field at San Jose. He says he was on final at 600 ft when both engines failed simultaneously and he had no choice but to put it down in the field. The landing went okay, but once the passengers had deplaned it seems the jet sank into the soft dirt so that the gear ended up about two feet under. The good news was that the engines restarted just fine on the ground. His supervisor told him to get the plane hauled out (the Boss muttered something about the reason there's a shovel behind the seat), cleaned up, and repaired (what, was it broken?) then to get on with the next one.
It appears there now is more duct-tape on Richard's company BeechJet than there is BeechJet, and the distinctive matte-silver swept-wing glider garners an automatic call to the crash-trucks at every major airport (and some minor ones) in the western states.
Terry "Mr. Charm" Thacker (1063) really turned on the charm for the Wintons, whom he described as "a bunch of moaning, miserable over weight slobs." When the youngest boy kept letting off little clouds of piquent gas, Terry threatened to make him sit on the wing. One bumpy landing later, he hopes they never call him again. The Boss has news for him -- Mrs. Winton was so taken by Terry's devastating good looks that she has insisted that she wants him to fly her everywhere from now on.
Bill "Back & Forth" Woodford (1129) had his first bad weather flight (guaranteed not to be the last!). He says that getting out of Gray wasn't too bad, but he decided to go ILS into Boeing field -- "Bad mistake... bad." SeaTac approach had him buzzing back and forth 10 miles from Boeing like a lost mosquito. He finally canclled IFR and went in visually, which he reports was "not the easiest thing, but a good learning experience."
Jorge "Mooney Master" El Grande (1131) took a photographer over to Mt. Rainier to get some pictures, and says it was a fun, fast flight. Said photographer had to relieve himself on the way home, so (rather than hand him the standard PGA soda bottle) Jorge landed on a flat grassy area on the bank of a river in a 1000 foot canyon just west of the mountain and wished he'd brought a fishing rod. Most remarkable of all, however, was that the gear did not collapse in the off-field landing, or at Boeing. He also gloats that he did four touch & goes at Sky Harbor in the Mooney without smashing the nose gear strut (and how about number five, Jorge?). The Boss has ordered champagne to celebrate this rite of passage with his supervisor... What's that? No no no... eight hours, bottle to throttle! Can't have a regular pilot down for eight whole hours, can we?
...Although the Boss has sworn when Richard de Kok goes a whole week flying the BeechJet without dinging it, we'll have a full-fledged hangar party...
2 December 2000
Lukexcom Named Supervisor
The PGA Board of Directors, suffering from a momentary lapse of reason, have chosen Lukexcom (1039) as PGA's newest supervisor. "It was a tough decision," said PGA Supreme Dictatrix, Shanya Dwecan'tspellit. "What finally tipped the balance was Luke's dissertation on pilot management and the proper use of a fire hose."
Some of the pilots formerly assigned to Captain Joel Rogers, who is now off having his head filled with trivia about the Boeing 727, will be reassigned to Luke's charge. The Boss will be hearing pleas for mercy daily between 1300 and 1330.
When asked to comment on his appointment, Mr. Xcom stated: "Don't quote me... I'm very honored to... squish them like flies, I tell ya, like flies!!! [F]or the record... my pilots will always eath the best doughnuts available."
Despite quite a lot of digging through the dictionary, this reporter was unable to determine the meaning of "eath."
Other applicants, some of whom clearly are desperate to get out from under the thumb of their supervisor, are encouraged to reapply when the next opening comes available.
Top Pilots
Top pilot for however long it's been is Dave Spurlock (1094) with 17.36 hours. Number two is Rick Smith (1114) with 11.79 hours, followed closely by Lars Boehme (1088) with 10.48 hours.
Overall, Dave is way out in front with a total of 465.59 hours flown. Lagging behind is Lukexcom (1039) with 376.43 hours.
Nice work, everyone!
Promotions
* Geoff McLean (1071) has been promoted to Sr. Captain (Cat. I)
* Lars Peter Galaasen (1052) has been promoted to Senior Captain
* Philippe Damerval (1007) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Fredric Tai (1065) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Fredrik Fagernes (1091) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Jon Anderson (1066) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Tom Zieser (1106) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Hedgehog in Peril -- Dondo and Daisy Detained by DEA
Earlier this week, Dondo and his trusty co-pilot Daisy have been detained by the Drug Enforcement Agency after the plane he mistook for his ride to Arizona was forced down by one of the DEA's VM-22 Ospreys. DEA Agents reported that all but one of the occupants of the Mexican registered aircraft belonging to the Betty Crocker Mexican Memorial Brownie Baking Exhibition Team exited the plane and scattered in a threatening manner. "At that point, we had no option but to defend ourselves," stated Agent "Tex" Pointblanc. Fortunately, despite the fact that several acres of surrounding grass were effectively mowed in the ensuing battle, the highly customized Cessna Caravan was unscathed, as were its remaning passengers -- PGA's own Dondo and Daisy.
The two were taken into custody as the aircraft was searched. When the search turned up nothing except large amounts of cocoa, butter, flour, eggs, milk, baking powder, a bottle of tequilla, a couple of cases of Corona, and several empty bottles, the agents strip-searched the hapless pilot and seized the hedgehog. They are now waiting to see if the hedgehog passes any contraband. "We will not be satisfied until we have discovered the method by which this group has been smuggling large quantities of marijuana into the U.S." stated Agent Pointblanc. "We feel the hedgehog may be the key to the entire operation. If necessary, we will dissect the creature... a process that involves cutting it into little tiny pieces and does NOT involve putting it back together again!" Agent Pointblanc slammed down a heavily-bandaged hand for emphasis on this last point, let out a healthy howl of pain, and departed the press conference.
Rumor control has it that some PGA pilots are preparing to mount a search and rescue operation in the interests of saving Daisy. Further updates as events warrant.
Lukexcom Delusional -- Insists He Still is Member of TOOTSD
Newly annointed supervisor Lukexcom (1039) apparently is in denial about his recent ousting from the ranks of TOOTSD, and has continued to operate as though he were still a member. "Luke is a loose cannon er...donut", stated an anonymous member-in-good-standing of TOOTSD "I distinctly heard him say on one occasion, "Ich bin ein Berliner... Which everyone knows translates as "I am a jelly filled donut."
It does appear that one of the mis-firing synapses in Luke's brain is bent on retaliation, however, as the cellar of the PGA hangar has been filled to the brim with smelly garbage. When confronted, a representative of San Jose Sanitation produced an agreement signed by Lukexcom as Grand High Poo-bah of TOOTSD, arranging and authorizing the dumping of garbage into "the underground bunker located under the PGA hangar."
The Boss, with the help of her priming crank handle, has "clarified" the meaning of the property description with the sanitation company. Meanwhile, the whereabouts of Board Member Peter "Negative Response" Fellowes remains unknown. The Boss says she would start digging out the Cellar, but she's got a priming crank handle glued to her hand and would hate to inadvertently whack the PGA bookkeeper on the head in her zeal to locate him. "He's probably flying a charter, anyway," she was heard to say.
Thanksgiving Day Feast
The Boss, in a rare fit of benevolence, allowed pilots more than five minutes to grab a bite to eat Thursday before last as she set out a feast including four extremely large "turkeys" that had been fast-roasted in the exhaust from Captain Joel's BeechJet. "Well, it was mostly to get rid of the evidence," the Boss said by way of excuse. "Kitty had dragged back these... er, big birds, you see, and then I saw some people from the San Jose Zoo nosing around so I tossed them into the BeechJet exhaust and ran the thing up real good. Voila'-- turkey!"
Whatever the story, many pilots gave thanks as they ate for the first time in several weeks.
Pilot Reports
Richard "Tape-goat" de Kok (1124) found himself with a plane full of goats. After he literally lost his shirt to the roving garbage disposals, he duct-taped them down and taped their mouths so they couldn't eat the duct tape that held them down. He reports the goats weren't vere happy when he removed the tape from their mouths ("they looked funny with a hairless jaw") and he was compelled to run for his life. Some pilots were wondering why it is he bothered to remove the tape?
Johan "T & G" Olsson (1004) drew the mail run from Paine Field to Harvey, Firstair, Sky Harbor, and Green Valley, and discovered that he really needed the landing practice. Four bad landings and one hopefully halfway-decent one later, he was on the ground at Paine Field, thinking that perhaps he should fly on a more regular basis.
His supervisor's comment was that "Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing, and any landing where you can use the plane again is a fantastic landing..." whereupon he pointed out the plane was obviously still usable and sent him out for his next charter.
Jorge "Selective Ommission" El Grande (1131) took some "crazy" German scientists for a flight-seeing trip, and reported back that they'd taken off from Palo Alto, flew north along the coast, flew through SFO's airspace where he slowed down to let them get a close look at a 747, then continued along the Bay where he got "low" near the Bay Bridge. Finally, he took them over downtown as he explained how some aircraft, such as helicopters, can land on the tops of buildings.
Interestingly, his PIREP was followed up by the delivery of three letters to his supervisor: One from the FAA complaining about a PGA Beaver buzzing the SFO tower and ruining the controller's shirt; one from the Coast Guard complaining about a PGA Beaver flying under the Bay Bridge and pulling over in a loop; and finally one from Richter Insurance Agency in San Francisco, complaining about a PGA Beaver landing on the top of their building and knocking over an antenna array. His supervisor responded to all of the complaints, denying everything as per company policy. Meanwhile, the Boss has had to seriously deplete the bribe budget to obtain the negatives of the photos someone managed to take. So everyone watch yourselves out there -- until the bribe budget is built back up again, we may run into some difficulty getting the FAA to look the other way.
Michael "Stealth" Turner (1029) collected Mr X from Boony Doon the other day and took him to... well those that have had the pleasure of Mr X`s company will know where he went to. Michael reports that Mr X did not have much to say -- in fact he said nothing at all, which actually came as a relief to Michael as flying at low level with no lights or radio took pretty much all of his concentration.
Michael suggests if the Boss made any savings on electricity by his not having the lights or radio on, it cost far more in fuel as he took the safe and roundabout route to... well you know. However, there was still some explaining to do when he got caught landing without prior permission, and when Michael turned to Mr X for some sort of explanation he found he had slipped out of the aircraft and disappeared into the darkness. Maybe, Michael, you should have done the same....
Rick "Facelift" Smith (1114) has been an example to us all this week; among his other flights he has taken the Mustang to the Air show and the Trainer to Moskowite.
After a dazzling acrobatic display at the Air show in the special P-51 with the "Gideon" modifications, he performed a faultless landing (well all right there was a bit of a bump, but apart from that...) he rolled to a stop amid cheers and applause as the air show officials opened the canopy, peeled his fingers off of the stick and helped him out of the plane. He says the G forces he pulled in some of the turns has tightened up his face around the eyes a little so the plastic surgeon can wait for another year or so. The Boss is now investigating a sideline business for PGA along those... er, lines.
In complete contrast, his flight into Moskowite was in the Trainer, that being the only aircraft type he can bring himself to take anywhere near the place. Rick claims its all a matter of speed and control... aside from being the cheapest aircraft type to replace.
Geoff "Why would the Boss want to see me?" McLean (1071) is still on the Hollywood runs and has taken it upon himself to use the Lear jet. On a return trip to San Jose, the aircraft suffered some systems failures, so he lost the Attitude Indicator and all Nav Data except the GPS. Well, Geoff its a comfort to know that all the training that PGA has given you on other aircraft types with their occasional systems failures has not been wasted and that this did not come as to much of a suprise to you.
Despite (or perhaps it's because of) the systems failures, Geoff made a perfect landing (again, no doubt due to the extensive PGA Training System), which is just as well as some pilots around the coffee pot are running a book on just exactly how your going to explain to the Boss why your using the Lear jet without the added complication of telling her you bent it.
Terry "I'm not your type!" Thacker (1063) got the call this week to collect the folks from San Jose and take then home to Petaluma via a little sightseeing of the Golden Gate Bridge. Terry collected the family without problem; Grandma, Granddad, and what he calls a "sex crazed Granddaughter."
The flight itself went without a hitch, but Terry claims the Granddaughter insisted on sitting up front with Terry and kept pestering him with her demands for a kiss. Unfortunately, he also says she had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Enough was enough for Terry, and he found the only way to distract the poor girl's attractions was to announce that he was gay.
What he didn't realize was, as he said that, he accidentally hit the the "transmit" button for his radio.
News travels quickly in the Bay Area, it seems, especially when you've broadcast it on the CTAF. Women all up and down the west coast are left broken-hearted and selling their pictures of Terry on eBay. Meanwhile, the entire Castro district of San Francisco seems to have taken on the air of a party.
Brian "Dog Pile" Sommers (1061) was beginning to really enjoy the life of a PGA pilot after enjoying a meal with Diane. The evening had been very enjoyable, even if he had slept in his plane. The weather was not bad, and at first glance the flight seemed to be routine... even the poodles were loaded withou incident. Yes the life of a PGA pilot has its merits.
However, what at first seems without problems has a habit of going pear-shaped, as most PGA pilots know. First, Brian had some problems in locating Whidbey Airpark, and when he did he had some more problems landing there. Afraid to take his eyes off the elusive airfield for a moment, he made a diving, straight in, high-speed approach terminating in multiple landings in rapid sequence. It seems the poodles are not used to this type of landing procedure and decided to show their disapproval in the sort of way that dogs have: "It was all over the floor and the rear seats" he reports. "The whole plane stinks".
We have said it before but we will say it again "OPEN THE WINDOWS".
Gary "Bumpy Ride" Achenbach (1101) had a few problems on a routine flight from Whidbey Airpark via Sequim to Apex. The first problem he had was trying to find Sequim -- "its really hard to spot, not quite on the level of invisibility of R and K but still difficult."
The second problem was once he had sighted Sequim, he found the weather and winds had increased to almost "tornado proportions" (his words not ours), and how he got the Trainer down in these conditions whilst fighting the stick every inch of the way is nothing short of a miracle.
After off-loading part of the cargo, he took off for Apex. On arrival at Apex, Gary's problems began anew -- he lined up nicely and started to turn final, but then found he was coming in a little too fast... well, all right then, a lot too fast. No problem thought Gary, start to flare early to bleed some speed off, there's plenty of runway. Even so, touchdown was still a little too fast... oh all right then a lot too fast. He had already logged multiple landings when the wind sheared to a crosswind. Okay, no panic, rudder and stick correction, gentle braking... oh all right then, hard braking, and the aircraft starts to tilt over. More rudder and stick correction, a good deal of prayer... and it was at this point that Gary saw the tree.
When Gary managed to scramble out of the Trainer, he found an old man standing looking at him and the remains of the aircraft. "You would be suprised how many planes that tree does that to" he said. Luckily the old man had just received a fresh supply of duct tape and Gary reports the Trainer will be flyable gain soon.
Tony "No Gear" Chau (1116) is enjoying the BeechJet, even if he did manage to break the landing gear on 31L at SJC. Apparently, rather than face the Boss with the news that he's bent the BeechJet, he's continued to fly it in this condition. Reports have varied -- some say he's duct-taped makeshift gear onto the undercarriage, while others say he bellies-in every landing. The Boss just wants another asprin.
Bill "Out of Control" Summers (1053) says he bent the Arrow a bit on landing at Moskowite (although it's "nothing a bit of the good ole duct tape couldn't handle of course") due to problem with pitch and yaw control mechanism (joystick out of calibration). The Boss sighs and says this is the sort of thing you should catch during preflight, but so long as you can put it back together and fly it out she won't worry about it.
James "Radar" Arbanas (1015) got lucky over the mountains when he actually found Kachess Lake in the pea soup fog. While it was a little rough landing on the water ("a big splash"), he made it there safe and sound.
Dylan "Fighter Pilot" Cummins (1016) took the photographers for a wild ride through Seattle. He says he must have scared half of Seattle to death... god knows he did himeslf. He credits the success of the mission to the energy management skills learned from flying a Spitfire in Jane's WW2 Fighters. The Boss herself is a fan of a few rounds of combat to sharpen up those "see and avoid" skills around the airport, as well. We will not be adding 20mm cannons to the Renegade, however.
16 December 2000
Fellowes and Baldrick Leave PGA
Former PGA Director and Shareholder Peter Fellowes (1002) has left PGA.
Citing fatigue and the necessity for someone to tag along with Baldrick on his latest ill-fated attempt to seek out Captain Blackadder (who has been missing in action for several months), Fellowes took off from San Jose in his trusty DeHavilland and was last seen heading towards the second star on the right.
We would all like to thank Peter... pipe down now! You all signed up for those mystery tours yourself, no one forced you into it! Anyway, we would like to thank Peter for his time put in with PGA since the very beginning when he and the Boss first stood in front of the old BAC hangar together, taking in the sight of the lock on the door and the sign that informed them they were out of a job. Peter wrote most of the PGA missions for the Bay Area, and also frequently misdirected the men in white coats who would show up for the Boss now and again.
Peter's presence and contributions to PGA will be sorely missed. The Board of Directors has decreed that his place on the roster shall be maintained for all time, against the day that he may return as certain other "long lost" pilots have done.
So long, Peter.
Baldrick Returns to PGA
A couple of days after his departure with Peter "I Used to Work There" Fellowes, Baldrick turned up in the PGA hangar. Captain Dave Spurlock and the Boss found him using a hose to wash the garbage that had been dumped down in the cellar down into a ventillation shaft for the TOOTSD bunker, and welcomed him back. We're told that Spurlock is pleased to have the opportunity to resume the tow-cart races.
Baldrick has been absolutely incoherent on the fate of Peter, but has said that he intends to write a poem about it.
The Return of Blackadder
Ironically, within days of the departure of Baldrick and Peter Fellowes to look for him, Captain Blackadder strode into the Boss's office, saluted, and requested he be returned to active duty. After the Boss picked herself up off the floor, she welcomed him back and sent him out on a charter right away.
The Boss's only comment later at the coffeepot was that teaching home economics at the convent school outside Heidelberg seems to have agreed with him.
It is reported that Baldrick is beside himself with joy, and now is stuck because he can't decide which poem he should write first.
Welcome back, Captain Blackadder!
Top Pilots
Frankly, I have no idea who managed to get top pilot in these past couple of weeks. Dave Spurlock and Lukexcom sure do have a lot of hours, though...
Promotions
* Dylan Cummins (1016) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat. I)
* Jorge El Grande (1131) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Brian Sommers (1061) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Eric Kiefer (1134) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
PGA Reorganization
In the wake of the departure of Peter "Who?" Fellowes, upper management at PGA has undertaken a significant reorganization. Dave "Get back in your plane" Spurlock (1094) and Lukexcom (1039) have both ascended to the Board of Directors on the basis of their contributions to PGA and their willingness to pay good money for pretty pieces of paper that say "stock certificate" on them.
The New Order is as follows:
Shanya D.: CEO and Boss of Everything
Dave Spurlock: Vice President, Director of Operations and Development
Dave will be providing general oversight of "third-party" operations within PGA, such as an insurance company. If you have an idea for a business that would compliment the PGA world, discuss it with Dave. Dave also will be in charge of expansion and new missions.
Michael Richards: Treasurer, Director of Finance and Personnel
If it smells anything like money, then it goes across this man's desk. Michael also is in charge of personnel matters and taking complaints, so you can talk to him if you think you're having to work too hard.
Lukexcom: Assistant Director of Payroll
Luke will be in charge of printing payroll checks each week, keeping the doughnut box and coffeepot full, and keeping track of birthdays.
Supervisors will receive revised procedures as soon as we figure out what they are. For now, the Boss says to just keep doing what you're doing.
SAR to Rescue Daisy Underway
Reacting to the news of Daisy's peril, members of PGA are organizing an SAR operation to rescue her from the clutches of the nefarious DEA.
Daisy's sidekick, Dondo, was released after questioning, but the agency is keeping Daisy in custody until they determine that she is carrying contraband somewhere within her prickly little self. Dondo made his way back to the PGA hangar and swore to rescue her, whereupon he was joined by members of PGA and TOOTSD.
Eight special missions relating to this adventure have been posted. You must check in at the "PGA Adventures" board on the forum in order to fly these missions. The more the merrier!
Lukexcom Granted Conditional Reinstatement to TOOTSD
The general membership of TOOTSD has agreed to reinstate Lukexcom as a member and grand high poo-bah of the well-rounded organization, contingent upon two things: His carrying out his sworn duty to keep track of and recognize all reported birthdays within PGA's staff; and the demotion of the HAL 9000 computer to an iMac. Luke was last seen preparing to upload the data files from HAL, and making arrangements to convert the much larger and more standard case into a stylized bar for the TOOTSD headquarters.
Pilot Reports
Despite Bill "Sightseer" Summers' (1053) long-suffering efforts at aircraft fumigation, Louie said he was still able to tell there had been a dog in the plane. Bill suspects Louie had sneaked a peek at the cargo manifest, however, and was just trying to upset him. At least it wasn't passengers for this trip so he could open the windows... unfortunately, it was raining.
Bill stayed low, under the 1000 ft ceiling most of the way, which allowed him to enjoy the scenery. Unfortunately, he got a little distracted by the scenery as he passed over the Buchanan nudist camp and lost track of his altitude a bit so he discovered the ceiling had lifted to about 2000 ft... well, come on, have any of you seen some of those people at that camp? You'd instinctively climb away too!
Fredric "Drip" Tai (1065) was faced with the job of ferrying Director Michael Richards' daughter, Beth, around to collect water samples last week. He reported back that she looked more like a model than a scientist, and lamented that he does not have more such opportunities.
He cryptically reports that he helped her collect water samples because she had a "slight accident" at Kenmore Air, Inc., and somehow it seems he ended up in the water at Port of Poulsbo. He doesn't explain quite how this happened, except that he was "in the process of helping her." Hmmmm...
Michael "Curiosity Fed the Cat" Turner (1029) is wondering what's in all those boxes he's been ferrying between the Seattle and Bay Areas... one was marked "priming crank handles plus glue" and another was not marked but had a funny stale smell like old doughnuts. He's thinking the Boss does some strange things, like that business of walking around with a priming crank handle glued to her hand, but figures maybe he'd better just keep his mouth shut and just fly. He's probably right.
Gary "Wrong Way" Achenbach (1101) has been getting quite the education about what it is to be a PGA pilot to add to his own natural talents and abilities. He notes an interesting thing about ridges -- it's probably best for the paint job to actually fly over them without contacting them. Remarkably, everything still worked well enough to get him back on the ground. His experiences served him well during his next mission when he treated his pax to a nice view of the Golden Gate bridge and a nice, if somewhat quicker, view directly underneath the San Rafael bridge. He says that while they were a little nervous at first, he reassured them that he'd previously learned how to scrape the plane over top of a mountain at 120 knots in perfect safety.
On the way back, however, about 10 miles out of SAC, he tuned in ATIS then switched to tower and requested clearance to land. Visibility is excellent, he spots the runway that must be 28. Told to report right base, he gets into downwind leg flying the reciprocal of the runway heading... but looking out he finds he's at an angle to the runway. He figured there must be some drift or something as he corrects, but he disregarded as he pulled into base leg and reported. Cleared to land, he swung around... and could not see his runway. He could see SAC's three runways easily, but could not see the one on which he wass supposed to land.
(all of you around the coffeepot, quit chuckling knowingly!) He maneuvered around a bit, making some steep banks in the effort to sort out which was his runway... the airframe complained a bit, but he had confidence in the duct tape's tensile strength. Eventually, he lined up with runway 30, landed long, clipped a runway marker with the gear as he was braking to a halt. The plane skidded and spun around, wandering off the runway but sustaining no significant dameage. Tower instructed him to contact Ground on BUZZ-CRACKLE -- radio failure. So he taxied off and let his pax out.
Afterwards, he pieced together what had happened in a friendly but emphatic conversation with the Tower folks, during which he mostly nodded. Apparently, he'd tuned the radio to ATIS at San Francisco, and then alt-F tuned him to Tower...at SFO. Now, why SFO cleared him to land when he wasn't on their radar in any way is a mystery, and why they handed him off to Ground after touchdown at another airport is another.
Tom "Needs Autopilot" Zieser (1106) recommends not trusting the Trainer when it's trimmed out, as he went for a soda break and found it started to descend. Fortunately, he didn't crash and was able to recover. He requests that someone tell the Boss to have the hangar raised a little higher off the ground... the Boss suggests that he can just learn to fly into it at that altitude like the rest of the pilots.
Lars Peter "Russian Roulette" Galaasen (1052) had a tough time putting the Trainer on Glacier Peak. The little Trainer engine had to work hard to climb up over 10,000 ft, and then he had to find a spot where the snow was hard enough to land on. He finally found a spot from about 11,000 ft, whereupon he double-checked that the first-aid kit was intact and brought the plane down with full-flaps... whereupon it rolled nicely over a sharp edge and he was suddenly back in the air and trying to avoid the sharp peaks below him.
On his second try, he struggled for the altitude and put the plane down so he rolled up over the edge and buried the prop in the snow. Stuck into a mountain at 10,150 ft. Unfortunately, the repair kit doesn't include skis, so he made do with duct tape. A short time later, he set the throttle wide open, pointed the nose down the mountainside, and took off in one piece.
Geoff "Master of Disguise" McLean (1071) had a bit of a scare this last week. We'll let him tell it in his own words, taken directly from the experimental "black box" inserted behind his left ear:
"OH MY GOD! It's not De Vere it's Van Der Veer... a convicted murder from my home state. How did he get out? Oh God! I hope he doesn't recognize me. Quick, where did I put that fake Fidel beard? Oh, good, it's still there. Ok, so now I talk wid Russion(sic) accent. Oh, hello der folx. I am your Kap i tan. Delta? Oh da, I knowed id well. No problemski. Da Da...Da. In you go. (Why is it that everyone who seems to go to Delta is always kinda shakey???). Ah, Folx we will landink shortly. Please to fasten seating belts. Da. Have a goot time. Now to get the he** outta here. Oh Da. Here's da suitcasing.
*** roar ****
*** Bay Approach this is 5LG reporting an escaped convict I just dropped off at Delta. Yes, he has a hostage family... One woman, one girl and one boy ***"
Meanwhile, the passengers Geoff had just delivered were on the phone themselves:
"Hello? Yes, we'd like to report an escaped lunatic... yes, our pilot was wearing a fake beard and using an atrocious fake Russion(sic) accent... well, we recognized him from the newspapers back home... yes... yes..."
01 January 2001
PGA Site Outage -- HAL Relegated to iMac
As many of you noticed, PGA was offline for several days. Our site provider once again was undergoing "maintenance" (at least that's what they said) and it seems their entire system was offline during that time. With any luck, they'll manage to keep things running for a while. In the meantime, the Boss is going to set up a mirror site for PGA so that pilots may at least retrieve mission information and submit PIREPs during any future outages.
The Boss, after some time spent pacing and looking for someone to blame, finally decided that HAL must be at the bottom of things. It was with a tremendous sense of satisfaction that she herself tore into the TOOTSD main bunker, disassembled the supercomputer, and stuffed him into an iMac case.
Smith Hired as Staff Reporter
Rick Smith (1114) has been hired as PGA's first staff reporter. So if anyone sees him around the coffeepot or anywhere else, just carry on as you normally do, don't worry, he's probably not collecting information that can and will be used against you on the news page. Really. Just keep talking.
Top Pilots
Ummmmm... gee, there are a lot of PIREPs in my e-mail...
Two items of particular note, however: Lukexcom (1039) has finally (quit snickering, Dave!) passed the 400-hour mark; and Rick Smith (1114) has passed the 200-hour mark. Great work!
Promotions
* Michael Turner (1029) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Romeo R. A. Sulzer (1130) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Gary "Drastic" Achenbach (1101) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Eric Kiefer (1134) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations!
Pilot Reports
Geoff "Wasn't There, Didn't Do It" McLean (1071) lost his radio 35 miles out from Clovis, but continued on to LAS where he landed with his usual bounces. While he was planning a quick radio swap, this plan was interrupted when the cops met him at the gate. After being interrogated for three hours on the basis of a massive number of PGA aircraft departing SJC, he finally convinced them that he was doing a flying show in St. Louis and they were forced to let him go because they really had nothing on him (again).
Gary "Drasticly Off Course" Achenbach (1101) made an easy flight to Meadowlark, finishing up with a nice touchdown right at the threshhold and room to spare after rollout. Unfortunately, the success of his landing seemed to make him a mite overconfident as he got back into the air, dialed in the Oakland VOR and followed it right over the ridge. He says visibility was excellent, and he could see the airport off on the horizon so he turned to it, picked up ATIS, then called up Tower, who told him to call final for 27L. He saw the runways and swung about onto final, flying purely visually, only glancing at the instruments now and again for descent rate and such, not paying one lick of attention to the DME, compass, or HSI (yes, we can see where this is going, Gary)...
He was coming in nice and slow, when he suddenly realized it was a bit odd that the runway had 28L on it instead of 27L. Then he took a moment to glance at the DME, which he saw was still at 5 miles... and at the HSI, which clearly was not aligned. Realization hit just as Tower called that he was landing on the wrong runway -- wrong runway? Wrong airport! He was about to land at Hayward.
Sheepishly, he powered up again and swung northwest-round-to-east to get into downwind for the intended destination runway. Landing was managed without any damage... other than to his ego.
When he cleared the runway and switched to Ground, he says the Ground controller's only comment was "You're one of those PGA pilots, aren't ya? Yup. Thought so." Gary says it didn't sound very flattering, the way he said it.
It's worth mentioning that, on another flight, Gary reports he used .75 remainder of previous rolls of duct tape (Gary provides a report of his duct-tape usage for each flight). In this case, he says that the politicians in the back wouldn't shut up, so they were repaired.
Bill "Starling-burger" Summers (1053) thinks Junior had something a little different in mind when he commented that Starlings are messy birds... something other than the mess they make when splattered across a runway, at least. While he apologizes for having held up production of the movie, he claims it wasn't his fault.
Apparently, RHV tower had "definitely" cleared him for take-off and he immediately took the runway. Then, all of a sudden, just as he was about to apply full throttle, out of nowhere, BANG! He was hit from behind by a Piper (or something similar) attempting a landing.
He was sorry to report there wasn't much left of the plane, and that it was too far gone for the duct tape to handle this time. He stood on the runway, looking at the starling-splattered remains of his aircraft and watching incredulously as the offending aircraft managed to fly on, apparently totally unscathed.
The NTSB is involved in the investigation, and while they are skeptical as to Bill's claims about a second aircraft (absent any pieces from it), they are at a loss to otherwise explain how his plane got shredded on the runway.
Bjørn Olav "Gloat, Gloat" Henjum (1044) received a new set of USB flight controls from his girlfriend, and so finally was able to go out in his new Beaver. He loves his plane, he loves his new controls, and he (presumably) loves his girlfriend... and no one else wants to hear about it. ;)
Rick "It's a BeechJet, Not a Tank" Smith (1114) got to go up in the BeechJet with Captain Joel, who was taking a little break from his studies of the inner workings of a 727. Rick reports that Joel is a pretty likeable guy... at least when he wasn't yanking the controls from his grasp to avoid airliners, or ripping the headphones from his head to scream words of encouragement an inch from his ear. He says they had an interesting go-around at STS when an Arrow decided to ignore their pattern position. When the call came to go around, Captain Joel turned to him and asked exactly how he'd handle this. After a moment, Rick gave him his honest answer: "Well, we've got tonnage on our side, sir. I think we can take him."
Rick says, "That's..uh..when he grabbed the controls..."
Peter "Dodge the Cows" Moore (1084), as have many others before him, had some difficulty finding R&K Skyranch, and was thankful for the VOR to help him figure it out. While the cows were "pretty close" to the runway, Peter says he managed to avoid them. The local boy who keeps them on the runway must be out sick or something. Anyway, no barbeque at R&K this week, guys. Sorry!
Matt "Routine" Preston (1082) says he had a flight that wasn't routine. First, after landing at Swanson, he shut down the Mooney and got some coffee before heading out (sounds routine to us). Upon returning, he found the engine would not start -- no sound, except his own voice shouting "CLEAR" (you're right -- usually the engine stops in the air, it doesn't fail to start on the ground). The avionics stack worked fine, but trim was dead and so was the starter. He got out, looked at the engine, didn't see anything out of the ordinary, and then got back in and tried the starter. Voila -- it started due to "PFM" (Pure F... Magic).
Matt was pleased to report the elusive "Cube Steak Mountain Cows" were happily grazing off of Bandera State's 'runway' (definitely not routine!).
Finally, ATC did it again -- he ran into snow on the way bakc, so he requested vectors ILS to Boeing. ATC stuck him in holding forever, and then botched his first ILS approach because she was too busy yacking and forgot to tell him to intercept the localizer. So around he went again, and this time Betty stuck him at 4000, got pissed when he started descending, and finally turned him onto the beam. At 5 miles out, 4000 ft, he was way too high, so he went to make a descent that wouldn't freeze the Mooney's jugs when Betty came on, sweet as ever, and informed him he wasn't in position to execute a safe approach. He did the smart thing -- he turned her off, called Boeing Tower (who confirmed Betty had been drinking again) and was cleared to land.
Captain "New System" Blackadder took to the skies again, warming up with a nice easy run from San Jose to Boeing Field. He reports his new Voodoo graphics windscreen makes those mist and cloud effects so nice you would really think you were there.
Dylan "I'll Take This One" Cummins (1016) borrowed a lovely new QANTAS beechjet for his maiden flight as a Senior Captain (Cat. I). He says it went as expected, i.e., a white-knuckle flight. In fact, they had to pry his hands off the yoke at San Jose. He says he's slowly getting used to flying an airplane that lands with its nose so high in the air you'd think it was a movie star.
Oh Dylan? Quantas was here earlier, looking for their jet...
New PGA pilot Eric "Tar Pits" Kiefer (1134), after landing at Coupeville, runway 30, reported an incident of his aircraft "sinking" into the runway. It is unknown so far as to how he got out alive and manage to swim in the melted tarmac onto the grass, nor whether the aircraft resting at the bottom of the "runway pool" is salvagable, if it is the one he flew. His Supervisor, Lukexcom, has sent a request for PGA's Surface Runway Testing Department to have this checked out. Results, in the form of more missing aircraft, and pilots covered with sticky tarmac, are expected soon.
Later, when landing at Boeing Field, he reported that, during the flare at touchdown, the tower controller said "Trainer five lima golf, stop buzzing the tower or I'll have you shot down!" It is still unclear as to whether he was making a flare, or refering to the lighted flare cartridge that the Controller saw to have "originated from an area near that pilot's aircraft."
Michael "Bigger Hammer" Turner (1029) was less than pleased to be flying a great big snake from point A to point B, and suggests if he gets any more of those he'll be seeing if they can fly themselves from about 6000 ft. Apparently, he doesn't know the Boss happens to own a lengthy boa constrictor...
On another flight, he was enjoying a beautiful sunset from 4000 ft when he heard that dreaded "clang clang phut phut cough splutter" dead engine noise. He declared an emergency and put down at Hayward. He got the problem fixed in short order, and was soon on his way again. However, on the last leg of his flight, he found the flaps had jammed and would not extend. He managed the landing without flaps, and says they work fine now, after a little work with a 14-pound hammer.
Lars Peter "Rescue" Galaasen (1052) flew the SAR missions this last week, all in the interests of saving Daisy. He managed to hit the V-22 Osprey full on, coating the entire windshield with black paint. He says the Osprey hit the ground like a Drunk Bie with two lovely black eyes after some very "advanced" flight maneuvers (he doesn't think those are posted by name in any manuals).
The crew of the downed Osprey was contacted over the radio and threatened with bombing of Heavy "PGA Stuff." Apparently, they had heard of PGA before, and when the Boss's arrival was announced the crew surrendered immediately.
On the way back, Lars Peter discovered that the DEA people must have sabotaged him, as he was circling and hit the ground "hard" so the aircraft stopped "upside down with heavy damage." Unfortunately, repairs were well beyond duct tape, and the PGA repair bill goes up again.
Ole-Jorgen "Turn Back!" Soberg (1049) reports that whatever critters he had in his plane for the attempt to rescue Daisy were "really bad... what a sound and smell." He finally had to land at Tucson where he offloaded the animals and headed back to San Jose.
Later on, he was trying to bring medical supplies to Diamond Point but couldn't see the runway and so was forced to land at Jefferson County where he was met by a car that drove the supplies the rest of the way.
Rolo "Lovesick" Mace (1038) says that he's just back from the best mission he's ever flown. Not only did he get to meet "Dr. Rainbow" (whom he describes as "charming and very beautiful), but he really enjoyed having to devote his full attention to flying treetop level through winding valleys while she was surveying. Coming out of Hood Canal to the bay, Dr. Radcliffe wanted to know about landing on water, and so Rolo put it down by the penninsula where he broke out the thermos and they had coffee and talked for a while. Rolo reparts he thinks he's in love...
Frank A Klesnik III (1123) also joined in the SAR for Daisy, and reports as follows:
"When confronted by a heavily armed MV22 I did what any good soldier would do. I pointed my nose repeatedly at the osprey, shouting madly 'SO LONG YOU BASTARDS!!!!'"
He was very surprised to find that, despite armaments, they conducted themselves in such a cowardly manner.
He mentions that he heard creaking noises while pulling out of a 4000fpm descent from 12000ft, and wants to know if that is a bad thing. His supervisor suggests that "creaking noises are okay -- cracking noises are not good."
18 January 2001
PGA REINTRODUCES INSURANCE AND GROUND OPERATIONS
By Cap’n Dave
Attention all Plane Owners!!!!!!
We now have an Insurance Salesman. The means that insurance and ground operations will now be reintroduced.
What does this mean to you? Simple, if you own a plane you need to go to the Owner’s Club and click on the Badgerland Insurance link. Select the insurance policy that best suits your needs and then send off the request. You should receive confirmation of your coverage within a few days.
We are starting from scratch with this so you need to start a new policy, even if you had one when Insurance was working before. Go see Badgerland Insurance now.
Mr. Cutter wants me to remind you that if you purchased your plane with a loan from him, and the loan is still outstanding, you are REQUIRED to purchase insurance to cover the value of the plane. Failure to do so will result in you getting a visit from Vinnie and possible repossession. We wouldn’t want that, would we?
Insurance covers your plane from any damage it may receive while sitting on the ground. PGA insurance covers you while you are flying. The chances of it receiving damage while parked goes up dramatically if you do not purchase a parking spot from Ground Ops. The odds are reduced depending on the quality of parking spot purchased.
Speaking of parking. Our Ground Ops manager has just told me that many of you have not bothered to purchase parking for all your planes. I can see this just by looking outside at our apron. Planes all over the place. I will be instructing Baldrick to push any plane without a legitimate parking spot onto the gravel lot next to the run-up apron. So you had best get a good parking spot from Stefan. They will be going fast.
Full operation of insurance, parking and possible damage will commence on 1 February 2001. You need to have proper parking and insurance settled by then or face potential loss. So get on over to Ground Ops and Badgerland and get signed up now.
Boss Taking Much-Needed Vacation
The Boss will be leaving town for parts unknown for an undetermined length of time, and leaving PGA in the capable hands of the remaining members of the Board. This means you all have to listen to Michael and Cap'n Dave, and even to Luke if he's telling you to get back in the air.
When asked if she had any last words before she was dragged away by the men in the white coats, he Boss said, "no parties while I'm gone!!!"
Top Pilots
We'll start keeping track of this again as soon as things settle down, we promise!
But worth mentioning is that Cap'n Dave Spurlock (1094) has passed the 500-hour mark with PGA. Considering that Dave signed up a year ago next Friday, that's a pretty impressive total. Nice work!
Promotions
* Csongor Szijjarto (1097) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Dondo (1087) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* G. Gold (1135) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jamie Langford (1136) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jamie Langford (1137) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
Suspected Mobster Seen at PGA
By I. M. Ahack
San Jose Chronicle
Suspected mob enforcer Vinnie was seen lurking around the PGA San Jose facilities this week. Vinnie usually only comes into the public eye when he is tracking a pilot who is in arrears with his loan repayments. Several PGA employees, including the chief dispatcher at San Jose Junior, saw him as he prowled around gathering information.
"I saw him standing right in front of the status board. Big and dangerous. Swinging that baseball bat, like he was Mickey Mantle or something. I tell you, he frightened me, and I don’t have a loan from Mr. Cutter. All I can say is that if I were a pilot and was behind in my payments, I’d be getting in here and fly some missions to get caught up. You can tell you are in behind in payments by checking the Roster. If your money is in red, you had best be very, very, afraid."
Although Vinnie could not be reached (read this reporter was too afraid to approach him) his handler Guido did make the following public statement, "You really didn’t see anything at all. Just remember that."
With that in mind this reporter is going to refrain from speculating and go find something else to write about.
Pilot Reports
Bill "Hallucination" Summers (1053) is seeing things. He came back to the hangar claiming to have seen a pyramid enroute from SAC to Buchanan. This is the second time he has reported the anomaly, and the Boss swears she's going to check her records because didn't you dent the plane last time you saw that thing, Bill?
Fredric "VIP" Tai (1065) picked up a General Knowall and his F18 recovery team from Ranger Creek, and they were heading back to McChord when he lost all radio communication. Fortunately, he had a General on board, who said it was okay for him to land at McChord without clearance. Let that be a lesson to all of you who try to land at Air Force bases without clearance -- just make certain you have a general on board. The General also arranged to have the radios fixed, and Fredric claims he saw stealth fighters in the hangar when the plane was towed in to be worked on... Now, everyone humor him, even though we all know you can't really see stealth fighters... because they wouldn't be stealthy if you could.
Geoff "Mud Wrestling Fan" McLean (1071) was assigned to take Dr. Radcliffe around to collect water samples in mountain lakes. He reports: "we landed allright in the first puddle for her picnic, but you ever see three *ahem* babes pushing a Renegade out of the muck?" He says the other "puddles" they splashed, scooped, and were back up again before you could say "splash," although there couldn't have been more than a foot of water in one of them. He considers himself to have been well-rewarded, however. Good thing to. Strangely, they didn't leave a tip...
Rick "Disaster Area" Smith (1114) suffered a fuel leak and subsequent engine failure in the BeechJet this week, and the mechanic at Fresno suggested the PGA mechanics switch to a different brand of bubble gum, since what they're using now obviously doesn't hold up well to 300+ knot speeds and below-freezing temps. The Boss will be appointing a task force to investigate what's been happening to the bubble-gum budget for the mechanics, as she pays for them to have the very best bubble gum.
The very next trip Rick took, he sent back the following telegram:
Radio failure 10 miles out from GCN. stop 2 go-arounds. stop Lost argument with departing DC-10. stop Send more duct tape. stop Affectionately, #1114
On the next flight, he had a fire in #1 just out of SLC but managed to bring it back down without undue difficulty... except for the pax singing a rousing rendition of "Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love" in the background when they finally got off the ground again. Rick, take my advice -- lose the sideburns.
The ride with the Boss's family went well (much to the Boss's disappointment), but while on LH17 he found himself riding on fumes with 100 lbs or so of fuel while still 30 nm out from SJC. Of course, he was made to go around and ended up empty on the downwind to 30R. According to him: "Short final is not the term here, folks. Hope the Boss forgives me for not allowing for that 3 degree turn rate on final; to get down on the wheels it took more like 15. So I got alarms ringing, stall horns sounding, parents shrieking, dogs barking and the ground rushing up to meet me all at once. The perfect end to the perfect day..."
Is it any wonder the Boss is taking a vacation? We might also add that Rick now has had the honor of being the first pilot in PGA's history to have flown every single available mission... and even one that Cap'n Dave scrounged up for him when he found him snoozing in the lounge. Great work, Rick!
Darby "Haunted" Willcox (1013) went to pick up a plane at Moskowite for Friendly Fred... he reports as follows:
I had my suspicions from the first swing of my machete hacking the weeds away from the plane. That was when I startled a Great Horned Spotted Hummingbird which shot out of the engine housing and took 3 years off my life. Anyway I got the thing (plane that is) to finally fire up and just made it off the runway in time to miss that lake. I suspected then that I was trapped inside the old BAC Trainer and when the radio fizzled almost immediately, my fears were confirmed.
I had the eerie feeling that someone was in the plane with me, I thought it was the ghost of one of Freddy Brubakers thug pals back to get me but it was only the horrific memory of past missions in this very same Trainer. But then again... perhaps it was the whistling of the wind shreiking in through the bullet holes in the fuselage.
I managed to keep the crate airborne and was so petrified with nostalgia that I flew all the way to Half Moon Bay until I realised I was supposed to be in SJC. Anyway the flaps did not work (no suprises there) and having no radio I snuck in to SJC on Runway 30L to give me that extra room to slow down.
What with the smoke pouring out of the engine (fried baby Great Horned Spotted Hummingbirds) and the loud clanking and banging its no wonder the SCJ firetruck came tearing after me. At least I got it to a standstill before the wheel fell off.
I have to admire Friendly Freds audacious tenacity at even attempting to sell this death trap.
I couldn't add to that if I tried.
Frank "Aaaaa!" Klesnik III (1123) said that all of his Army training came in handy on the recent SAR... "Fix bayonettes and scream like an idiot!!" Management wonders if that approach wouldn't work for some of our other charters, as well...
Jorge "Uh Oh" El Grande (1131) made the mail run to Cushman in marginal weather and light rain, with a headwind going up and Bouncing Betty giving vectors ILS on the way back, so he managed to milk that run for all the time he could. But his smart-assed comment about "whether rain or snow or hail, nothing stops the mail -- Except maybe an engine maintained by Pier Glass Aviation." has been duly noted by the mechanics, who it is rumored have vowed that he will never enjoy another uneventful flight...
Dylan "Monkey Trainer" Cummins (1016) couldn't find his flight attendant after landing at Vegas. He said she had mumbled something about a sick aunt that she had to visit, but later that night he saw her at a blackjack table (oh really? And what were you doing there?) really cleaning up. He phoned the Boss and informed her that he flatly refuses to put on an apron & serve the passengers AGAIN (he says they make rude comments about his legs), and begged for a new flight attendant.
The Boss called Rent-a-Tendant, and they managed to find someone on short notice, but Dylan describes her as a "bag lady" and said he'd prefer monkeys. The Boss checked with Rent-a-Tendant, and they said they could accomodate that request. Your new FA will be waiting for you at your next stop, Dylan!
Michael Turner (1029) reported as follows:
Errrrr ummmm boss I err umm shuffle shuffle cough er umm I er bent the gear on the er umm Arrow see it was a real bad day boss it was raining hard and the ceiling was real low and i came in a bit fast and a bit hard at Travis and the gear collapsed but lucky for me the mechanics were there working on the plane of the pilot i was picking up so i left them with it and took a trainer that was serviced and ready to go so i guess its err umm your fault really as if the other pilot had taken the trainer i would not have had to go and pick him up and the Arrow would not have got err umm bent hope you understand thanks i err umm better get back to work now It should be noted that the Boss was not amused, and Michael was last seen running for his life for any airplane that was pointed vaguely in the direction of the runway...
Gary "Drastic Duct-Tape" Achenbach (1101) says that "today's lesson was how critical it is for maintaining control to come in at the proper speed." He apparently came onto a nice, stabilized final approach... albeit at just under 100kts (this was in the Trainer, we trust?) He flared, dealt with the crosswind, touched down, overcorrected for tiling wing the other way, bounced and came down again, and then WHAM! Sheared the left wing clean off on a taxiway sign... "Hotel, I think."
Tower nicely told another incoming flight to go around due to his still being kind of on the runway (well, the wing still was). Several trainees with nothing else to do ran over and picked up the wing, and cheerfully held up while Gary reattached it with about ten rolls of duct tape with a couple broomsticks to reinforce.
The real problem was that there was an FAA safety inspector on the premises, and Ground suggested pretty firmly that he not try to take off any time in the near future. The Boss suggests not waiting for them to clear you, Gary -- head out as soon as their backs are turned!
Dondo (1087) made a flight in the Beaver to celebrate his new PPL, and says he got the hang of it pretty quickly... even if he found it doesn't react well to barrell rolls.
The Boss turned a little pale at hearing that...
25 January 2001
San Jose, CA. (AP)
Ernest E. Rudite
Asst. Reporter
Local law enforcement agencies are baffled at the scores of reports from San Jose citizens over a rash of mysterious thefts today. What set these events apart from everyday street crime are the apparent targets of these thieves: lawn furniture. Telephone calls from all over the area, from in and around Reid Hillview Airport to as far west as Santa Clara have deluged police in what is rumored to be one of the largest theft rings in recent Bay Area history.
While officials have denied speculating on possible suspects and what motive could possibly drive someone to such ridiculous means, our news staff did manage to locate one family that was willing to speak out; to let the city know what is their pain and how they seek justice for their violation. Milt Wachstetter and his wife Beatrice were still in their bed at around 6:15 a.m. when their nightmare began.
"Well, it didn’t seem that anything like this could ever happen to us. We were there, asleep, when Bea woke me saying she had heard a noise out back on the patio. At first, I didn’t hear anything. I thought that maybe she had been up sniffing the kids’ color markers again. But then there was a crash, like someone knocking into the barbecue. I crawled over to the window to look outside. It was still too dark to see anything, but I heard almost everything they said."
When queried further, Mr. Wachstetter offered what he believes the criminals said:
"Oww!"
"SSSHHH!"
"Sorry, but that darn rake hit me in the b…"
"Knock it off!"
"Sorry…"
"There’s only four chairs here. We’re gonna be short…"
"Are you kidding? The whole block has furniture in their backyards! Our only problem’s gonna be what color to use next to the tablecloths…"
"Hey, you know, this stuff’s a lot nicer than what we have back at the hang…"
(Loud whisper) "WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?"
The Wachstetters then went on to tell of what they can only describe as "maniacal" giggling as up to several persons proceeded to remove four lawn chairs and a matching table from their yard. The thieves tossed these items over the back fence into the alley where allegedly a large commercial vehicle was used for the getaway. The Wachstetter’s loss was an estimated $34.95.
Boss Still in Custody … uh … on Vacation
Last seen being drug away by white coated thugs and shouting "No Parties!" at the top of her lungs, the Boss still hasn't been seen. Baldrick took a phone message early in the week. But the only understandable thing in the message was, you got it, "No Parties!!!!"
Top Pilots
Top Pilot of the week was, (I really hate to admit this) Lukexcom (1039), who logged 15.6 hours.
Overall Top Pilot is still Dave Spurlock (1094) with 514.46 hours.
Promotions
* Warren Martin (1141) promoted to Student Pilot
* Brian Russell (1143) promoted to Student Pilot
* Neil Broadbridge (1137) promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations!
No Preparations for a No Party are Not Underway at PGA
Rick Smith (1114) has not been scurrying around not preparing for a No Party which is not absolutely not forbidden by the Boss while she is in cust… uh … on vacation. Dave Spurlock (1094) definitely did not make a long and arduous trip with Baldrick to Nogales Mexico. He definitely did not bring back no tequila, not triple sec, no limes, no oranges and no rock salt. Lysander, the Boss' pet pyth… uh… boa constrictor did not consume the no tequila, no triple sec, no limes, no oranges and no rock salt, not leaving the snake comatose on the hangar floor. There was no lawn furniture not seen on the lawn out by the side of the hangar, then later not seen again. And if anyone does not know where our fuel truck did not go, would they please not tell anyone until the police don't find it.
PGA Fuel Truck Disappears
The PGA AVGAS/BEER truck disappeared last week under mysterious conditions. It was reportedly spotted in the area where numerous thefts of lawn furniture and decorations were occurring. When questioned by police, PGA VP Dave Spurlock said he could not be specific when the truck disappeared because he had been out of town on a charter at the time. He reported the truck stolen as soon as he became aware that it was missing. Shortly thereafter the Vice President of Operations left town again on urgent business. Another PGA pilot suggested that the theft might be the work of PGA rival OAC. Lysander the pyth… uh … boa constrictor was grief striken (which looks remarkably like a hangover on a snake) because his favorite resting spot was not to be found.
Pilot Reports
Update 24 January 2001
Michael "Peanut" Turner (1029) let curiosity get the better of him while ferrying one of those mystery packages for which our VA is so famous. Using his newly acquired Leatherman tool he pried the lid of the box to take a peek inside. The Styrofoam packing material immediately flew out of the box and started flying around the cabin. We are happy to say that despite trying to get it all back in the box and a failed radio system Michael manage to land the plane intact, which is more than we can say about the cargo.
Geoff "Here, You Do It" McClean, (1071) had just about enough dealing with stuffy, complaining, executive type passengers. He decided to handle the situation in the well-trained, diplomatic manner for which all PGA pilots are famous.
"Look here buddy," he said. "I've had it. You think this is easy flying a crate in high winds, fog, and in the MOUNTAINS? Here, you fly." Then he let go of the yoke, made comments about the area’s hazards to navigation, like Mt. Olympus, and set back to watch the passenger panic.
Of course he didn’t tell the frightened scientist he had set the autopilot to make a shallow dive before hand. After the passenger was properly subdued he re-assumed control and continued on course. Want to bet Geoff didn’t get a tip on that charter either?
After a great deal of sweat, cursing and tears, Rolo "I Know This Works Somehow" Mace (1038) manage to upgrade his outer terrain navigation system to Markus Brunner’s wonderful add-on. After that his shuttle between Boeing Field and San Jose went smoothly. Oh, except for an emergency landing at Portland International for a minor flap adjustment. And…
Dylan "What a Long Flight" Cummins (1016) actually had the gall to complain about being bored during a well paying flight around our southern operations area. The charter was hauling a load of quiet, well behaved, recently bathed, executives, in good weather and a nice looking flight attendant along for the ride. And he complains. I guess midnight horse manure runs to Moskowite in a thunderstorm are what he prefers. That can be arranged Dylan.
Ole-Jorgen "Mind the Leather Seats" Soberg (1049) had to haul some Bonobos to San Diego. His main concern seemed to be what the creatures would do to the seats if they got loose. He also worried about how the flight attendant would deal with them. And he worried about the nice leather seats. He was also concerned that if the pretty flight attendant was busy dealing with the escaped apes, how would she bring him his coffee? And of course he worried about how the leather seats would stand up. Believe me, Ole, if they got loose the seats would be the last thing you’d be worried about.
Lars Peter "Just Another Day" Galaasen (1052) seemed to have the luck of the draw on assignments one day. His first assignment was to take a check ride in a twin engine with a FAA inspector. He was supposed to shut one engine down and land it in that condition. Ho hum. He did so without problems. Then he was supposed to haul a load of drunken passengers (a few BOD members?) up to Darby’s Fishing Shack. Yawn. Again no problems. Last he needed to haul a bunch of papers from STS to SJC. Ho hum and another faultless mission. With all the boredom going on, maybe I need to go scare up some charters between Ranger Creek and Moskowite.
John "Give me a Chance and I’ll Remember How" Wilding (1121) came back to flying after a bit of a hiatus. He quickly discovered that flying a plane is a perishable skill. He bent the landing gear on a rough landing at Sacramento Executive (runway too hard), bounced into Blake Skypark (turbulence) and bent the nose gear again at San Jose (yoke came loose from its mounting). Take comfort, John. It comes back with practice.
Darby "Blue Angel in Training" Willcox (1013) flew down in the Mustang to Half Moon Bay to participate in an airshow. I let him tell you the results.
"I twisted, I turned, I looped de loop, I shimmied, rolled and shaked. I tail walked, stalled, recovered, lost it at 300', regained control at 25' and landed upside down at HMB just off runway 30..photo is being developed. All in all not a bad outcome considering it was the Mustang."
Not bad at all, Darby. Its just a bit hard on the canopy.
30 January 2001
A Special Mission
We finally settled the contract mess (and what a mess it was) between PGA and Archy, Donald and Sutherland Farming Incorporated.They paid us for hauling all that natural fertilizer from Alan Ranch to Moskowite and agree to pay any additional carrier fees. Of course, when they defaulted on the original payment, Lukexcom (1039) brought it from Moscowite to our FBO in SJC. Since they have now paid its time to give it back to them. This special charter is open to any and all PGA pilots and there is plenty of horse sh ... uh ... cargo to move. So please have at it and get all this smelly stuff out of our FBO.
Here are the charter parameters:
* Rank: Any
* Plane: Any suitable plane within your rank limits. Our Beechjet is not a suitable plane to haul this particular cargo to that particular airfield so don't even try it. Of course if you want to fill your own Beechjet and fly there that's your business
* Weather: Thunderstorms (FU3 Slider to Full)
* Wind Direction and Speed: Something suitably crappy.
* Visibility: 5 miles.
* Time of Day: Your pleasure, but don't you think it would be more fun at night?
* Depart: San Jose International (SJC)
* Arrive: Moskowite (41Q)
* Cargo: Full load of equine generated, organic fertilizer
* Payment:$2,000
This charter is good until February 15, 2001 and may be flown by any pilot who thinks they are up to it. Use of personal planes does give double payment. Why not? The bill is going to Archy, Donald and Sutherland. I look forward to the PIREPS.
A Tale of Parking Spaces
PGA Ground Operations Manager, Stefan Friese, turned in his monthly report of parking spot rentals this week. As he noted in his report, and I can see just by looking out the window, all is not well. Many pilots who own planes still have not secured a parking spot from our good Ground Ops Manager. The airport authority is also on our case about the mayham we generously call a parking area. Time is running out before I tell Baldrick to tow all planes that do not have a legal parking spot onto the gravel lot just behind the run-up area. Once there all sorts of unpleasantness can happen to an unwitting, uninsured, parked airplane.
To avoid this fate, trot on over to the Owners Club and check out what the Stefan has to offer under Ground Operations Office. While in the club area, check out what Badgerland Insurance has to offer to protect your investment. You will be glad you did. And sorry you didn't very soon. I am not joking.
Good News
PGA Pilot Paul Thomason (1067) reports recently becoming a first time father. A father of what exactly we can't say because details weren't forthcoming. But we assume it was either a boy or a girl and that it weighed in at something and is healthy. Please join me in congratulating the new father. His real job is just beginning.
Top Pilots
Top Pilot of the week was, Cap'n Dave (1094), who came in with 18.84 hours. He was followed by Allan Dodds (1068) with 9.09 hours.
Overall Top Pilot is still Cap'n Dave (1094) with 533.70 hours. Lukexcom is in second place and gaining with 435.46 hours.
Promotions
* Joel Gill (1096) to Private pilot
Congratulations!
Pilot Reports
Radio failures seem to be the theme this week
First, John "Just My Luck" Wilding (1121) made a run into Napa County. Fifteen miles out, pzzt, no radios. He manages to scare everyone away and land okay though. Even the duct tape on the nose wheel held.
Next, Kim "Me Too" Molgaard (1021) was test flying our new Mooney. It was his first time in a Mooney and he really liked the plane. "Nice plane, handles great," he said. "Wouldn't mind owning one myself. Very nice, except the radios failed, but that's to be expected." At least he didn't scratch the paint.
Then, Jorge "It Always Happens" El Grande (1131) was also flying a Mooney into Everett Field. His radios waited until he was on downwind before failing. He retuned his transponder and hit the strobes, which tells everyone to get the heck out of the way. Then landed without his passengers even knowing anything was wrong.
Hey Michael, I think we should probably find somebody other than Baldrick to repair the Mooney radios. It's not working out! I know; he showed me his certificate too. It was hanging on the wall right next to his Doctorate in Psychology.
Near misses also seemed to be in season.
Frank A. "I've Got to Change my Shorts" Klesnik III (1123) had a close call with a Peerless aircraft while returning to Boeing Field from Skynomish.
Gary "Seeking Enlightenment" Achenbach (1101) had his meditation in the early morning fog rudely interuptted by a Ignited 747 emerging from said fog.
Both pilots have recovered their senses and dignity, but their kneecaps are still shaking.
Then there is always the wonderful Bouncing Betty Follies.
Joining us in this show is Johan "Fill 'er Up Please" Olsson (1004). Johan tried to land at San Francisco International and got the grand tour of the Bay region from Bouncing Betty. Getting worried about his fuel situation, he cancelled his IFR plan and whistled up the Tower at SFO. Relieved when they told him he was clear to land, he proceeded to do so. He was just about to touch down when Tower hollers for him to "Go Around. Traffic on the runway!" After circling one more time, he lands and turns off the runway only to have his engine sputter to a stop due to the lack of fuel.
The show also starred Fredric "I Feel Like a Yo-Yo" Tai (1065). While flying into Coupeville Nolf he was bounced between, you guessed it 3,000 and 2,000 feet continually. He blamed it on the controller having a bad night. No Fredric, Betty's like that all the time.
Geoff "Going Ape" McClean (1071) had his run in with the Bonobos this week. His got loose (and they always get loose don't they?) when he was at FL350. Then one of them managed to lower his flaps. (Yikes! That sounds like fun. High altitude, blazing along at around .85 mach) Geoff managed to raise the flaps again but not before the hydraulics were damaged. But being a cool, calm, highly trained PGA pilot he didn't panic. A no-flaps landing didn't daunt him at all. Now, when the monkeys broke into the planes liquor cabinet; that's when he lost it.
Gary "Ah Shut Up, Willya?" Achenbach (1101) discovered just how busy the Unicom can get in the Bay Area. He shows up in the vicinity of Rio Vista and tries to enter the pattern only to hear:
"Half Moon Bay, right base, runway blah"
He tries to interject...
"R..."
"Gnoss, left downwind, runway blah"
"Ri..."
"Rio Vista, right base runway 25" (that damn other pilot)
"R..."
"University, final ru..."
"RIO..."
"University, final runway blah"
Gary then did what any well trained PGA pilot does. He turned off his radio and bulled his way into the pattern.
Works everytime doesn't it Gary? And you don't have to listen to that guy with a southern drawl say "Hayef Moon Bay. Rat downwind. Hayef Moon Bay."
Allan "It Was the Other Guy, Honest" Dodds (1068) decided to violate PGA policy and let a paying passenger fly the Renegade while on charter to Port Poulsbo. He went as far as to let the passenger try to land the seaplane. The operative word is "try." End result, our Seattle Renegade snapped into two neat pieces.
Ok Allan, I know the guy was a rated single-engine jet fighter pilot. Wearing blue with heart that's true and all that happy stuff. But was he rated in seaplanes? Ah, didn't think of that did you? Oh well, Baldrick should have the Renegade duct taped back together in a few days. You get to test fly it.
Lars Peter "Where's the IFF Switch" Galaasen (1052) noticed a lot of fighter traffic around Travis AFB the other day. He also noticed that Tower was very inquisitive about his movements. He "checked six" and scurried out of the area as fast as he could.
Good idea Lars. You never know what those Air Force types are going to pull. Especially since they still haven't settled our law suit with them.
February 7, 2001
New Mechanic Hired at PGA
Pilots, you may have noticed a new face around the hangar this week. We have hired a new mechanic. She, yes she, dove right in and started repairing some of our overworked airplanes.
If you have any comments about how much the mechanic looks like the Boss with red hair I suggest you keep them to yourself. Although Marie doesn't have a priming crank handle handy, I can state catagorically that she wields a pretty mean wrench. I have also seen her throw a ball peen hammer across the hangar within a hand span's accuracy.
In a side note, the new red-haired wonder has been noticed concentrating on repairing TOOTSD planes ever since she was asked to sign for an expensive package ordered by Lukexcom. Maybe she wants to give the head of TOOTSD what he deserves.
Mr. Cutter Running Low on Patience
Article writen and space here extorted by Vinnie
Dis be a final warning to pilots who owe Mr. Cutter payments on dere planes and don't have da money to pay. If dis be you, den I would contact Mr. Cutter and be makin' arrangements to pay. You do not have to be afraid of Mr. Cutter. He has a heart. Actually he has several. I have seen da collection.
A Side Note to Vinnie's Article
I got a visit from Mr. Cutter's oversized enforcer this week. Let me tell you when you have someone that large standing in front of you swinging a ball bat you tend to agree with him quickly. I did agree to make a slight change to the Roster format. If you are in arrears with your payments to Mr. Cutter it will now be quite evident in your Roster entry. Do you want that bright red embarrasment removed? Go get straight with Cutter. Please. I don't want any more visits from Vinnie the Enforcer.
New Scenery Package Available
Stefan Friese (1058) our Ground Operations Manager has completed work on a new scenery package available for Flight Unlimited 3. This one enhances Wax Orchard airfield on Vashon Island. This is a delightful add-on that depicts our maintenance site. There's lots of dynamic scenery and a party is always going on there. So go to our Download Page and get it. You won't regret it.
PGA Planes!
Daniel Logan (1107), Flight Unlimited painter extrodinaire, has released two new planes. A Trainer and an Arrow all prettied up in a PGA livery await your pleasure on the Download Page. Go get 'em and have fun.
Special Mission Still Offered
We finally settled the contract mess (and what a mess it was) between PGA and Archy, Donald and Sutherland Farming Incorporated.They paid us for hauling all that natural fertilizer from Alan Ranch to Moskowite and agree to pay any additional carrier fees. Of course, when they defaulted on the original payment, Lukexcom (1039) brought it from Moscowite to our FBO in SJC. Since they have now paid its time to give it back to them. This special charter is open to any and all PGA pilots and there is plenty of horse sh ... uh ... cargo to move. So please have at it and get all this smelly stuff out of our FBO.
Here are the charter parameters:
* Rank: Any
* Plane: Any suitable plane within your rank limits. Our Beechjet is not a suitable plane to haul this particular cargo to that particular airfield so don't even try it. Of course if you want to fill your own Beechjet and fly there that's your business
* Weather: Thunderstorms (FU3 Slider to Full)
* Wind Direction and Speed: Something suitably crappy.
* Visibility: 5 miles.
* Time of Day: Your pleasure, but don't you think it would be more fun at night?
* Depart: San Jose International (SJC)
* Arrive: Moskowite (41Q)
* Cargo: Full load of equine generated, organic fertilizer
* Payment:$2,000
This charter is good until February 15, 2001 and may be flown by any pilot who thinks they are up to it. Use of personal planes does give double payment. Why not? The bill is going to Archy, Donald and Sutherland. I look forward to the PIREPS.
Pilot Reports
This week's theme is aircraft carrier landings:
First up is John "Call the Ball?" Wilding (1121) who missed his calling as a Navy carrier pilot. While hauling a planeload of sightseers he took it upon himself to divert to a carrier off the San Francisco coast. He then took it one step further and tried to land on the vessel. Tried is the operative word. Need I say that the Mooney he was flying now has some additional duct tape on it?
Next comes Darby "Wave Off" Willcox (1013) who had the task of running some Air Force dude out to that same carrier. (Don't ask why, it's the military okay?) After enjoying the Air Force coffee and taking off from Travis AFB he spent an hour looking for the ship in the fog. Funny how hard something that big can be to see isn't it? He found it and decided to set down next to it (he was in his own Renegade). At the last second he decided to go ahead and land on the deck. End result was similar to John Wilding's adventure. The Navy mechanics repaired the plane and sent him on his way.
Hey! Maybe we can shuttle all our broken planes out there to get them repaired.
Innocent larceny was also in the wind it seems:
"Next Time I'll Take Mine with Butter" Dondo (1087) went the extra mile or two in a recent charter. He was hauling lobsters from Sequim Valley to Paine Field. Landing at Sequim Valley he was cut off by a guy in a Piper. He calmly (yeah right) went around and landed. Without complaint (yeah right) he loaded the lobsters and their little plastic swimming pool himself. While enroute to his destination he heard a sound like "two aluminum alligators fornicating." That sound was the propellers of the Beaver eating themselves. Calmly (yeah right) he sat the Beaver down in the Sound and let the current push him up on the beach. Always the workaholic (yeah right) Dondo spotted a rowboat, fetched it, loaded the lobsters from plane to boat all without complaint (yeah right). He then rowed the boat the 20 miles to Paine Field making the delivery in time. Of course he rowed his hands raw. What a hero. (Yeah right.)
That explains the mystery phone message about one our pilots stealing this guy's rowboat. I asked, "Why on earth would one of our pilots steal a rowboat?" and hung up on the guy.
Then there was Jon "I'll Take This Plane" Anderson (1066). He made an emergency landing after his navigation instruments quite working. He reloaded his cargo onto a J-3 Cub and finished the job.
"Uh, Jon? We don't have a Cub in PGA's fleet. I wonder who's Cub that was?"
Ring! Ring!
"Never mind, this phone call will probably answer that question."
Then there's the ongoing Moskowite Manure Mission
Bjørn Olav "I'll be Dipped in Never Mind" Henjum (1044) jumped right in (we'll see just how deep) to help with hauling the organic fertilizer to Moskowite. Fighting the weather the entire way he finally lines up for the approach to the strip. Then he notices he has a tail wind (oops) and is experiencing down drafts. Oh well, he aborts and goes around for another try. He tries again from the opposite direction and all is well until another down draft. SQUEEK…BANG! Sploosh… (his words not mine) and he is sitting in his wheel-less, propeller-less, banged up Arrow with the… uh… cargo all over him and the inside of the plane. But always the professional, when asked how he was, he just asked the inquiring crowd, "Where would you like this crap?"
"I'll be Poked in the Unmentionable" Lukexcom (1039) woke up confused and disoriented (I know, what else is new?) In this confused state he forgot that he had already flown the charter bringing all the offal in from Moskowite. So, as all our hard working pilots were busy taking it to Moskowite, Lukexcom was shuttling it from Moskowite back to the hangar. Luckily, this endless cycle of stupidity was broken when Lukexcom became overwhelmed with the smell, came down too fast and ran his Baron into a runway number sign. The gear on his bird collapsed and Luke passed out. He was left in the capable hands of Dr. Baldrick who was seen donning his latex gloves.
Frank A. "Cloud Nine" Klesnick III (1123) is walking around smiling after flying the mail route to Port Poulsbo. When asked why he seems so happy, his only response is, "I think Mr. Appleman's daughter likes me!"
Frank, not to burst your bubble, but Mr. Appleman's daughter likes everybody, if you get my drift.
Updated February 13, 2001
More Questions than Answers in PGA Jet Crash
Early this week a Pier Glass Aviation Citation Jet crashed while making an approach to Salt Lake City International Airport. The plane attempted to land under bare minimum visibility conditions. The pilot declared a missed approach and was being vectored around for a second attempt at landing when it crashed into the hills in the Hyde Park Region of Salt Lake City.
According to the filed flight plan there was only one person aboard the doomed aircraft, the pilot. The question is who the pilot actually was. The name and pilot identification on the flight plan was badly smeared with oil and unreadable. The body was recovered, but apparently mistakenly released to the Vice President of Operations of Pier Glass Aviation and flown back to San Jose before a firm identification could be made. Then in a series of circumstances similar to all official inquiries into the affairs of the airline, the body disappeared.
"I had just returned from Salt Lake City," Senior Captain Dave Spurlock said. "I unloaded the body from the plane and placed it in the hangar. Then I had the call that all pilots get when they land after a long flight. When I got back, the body was gone."
The senior PGA official was unable to say who the pilot was. "The remains were too badly burnt for casual identification. To tell you the truth I didn't want to look to long." Captain Spurlock left on another long flight that took him out of town before any further inquiries could be made.
A search of the airline's premises failed to turn up the missing corpse.
No official answer to the cause of the accident has been given. However, on the surface it looks as if bad vectors from the Air Traffic Controller contributed. The FAA has refused to identify the Controller but rumor has it that she was a recent transfer from San Francisco with the initials of B.B.
Major Storms Strikes San Jose Area
A series of unprecedented winter storms have racked the entire Bay Area the last couple of weeks. The series was capped two days ago by the strongest storm to ever strike the San Jose area. Record breaking winds wrecked havoc on the International Airport, effectively shutting down operations. Well, almost. A small group of determined pilots working for Pier Glass Aviation flew through every small break in the winds. They seemed determined to haul their cargo away from their FBO. I wonder what it was?
Mangled Aircraft Left in Wake of Storm
Among the damage caused by the recent storms plaguing the San Jose area were two private aircraft belonging to Pier Glass Aviation pilots. The two planes were parked in the overflow gravel parking area and not in the properly registered tie down areas or hangars. The high winds flipped one Cessna on top of the other.
Cessna N7160P belonging to Daniel Logan (1107) substained an estimated $33,000 worth of damage.
Cessna N3771P belonging to Peter Jensen (1048) receieved an $5,850 worth of damage.
Correction to original report:The planes damaged in the storms did not belong to any PGA pilot. They were planes that blew over from the general aviation parking area. The two planes belonging to the PGA pilots mentioned in the San Jose Chronicle were safely and securely parked in there Catagory 3 spot in the hangar.
I don't know how the San Jose Chronicle got their information scrambled, or even how they got it in the first place. But I suspect it was the work of a certain maniacal computer disguised as an innocent MAC. I discovered a phone line hooked into the modem which wasn't supposed to be there. The modem itself has since been ripped out. I just wish the SJC Chronicle would be a little more responsible in their reporting and check their sources first.
Maligned Hangar Rat Saves the Day
In an act of unprecedented initiative, Baldrick, the under appreciated, overworked PGA receptionist and sometimes poet, went out into the storm and tied down all of the planes parked in the gravel overflow lot. The erstwhile worker used whatever line he could find (remind me to check our phone lines) and weighted down garbage cans to accomplish his task. This unselfish act saved those planes parked out there. You dodged the bullet on this one guys. But I'd be looking into a legal parking spot, real soon. And insurance if you don't have it. Oh, you are also in the unenviable position of owing Baldrick a BIG favor.
Memorium Held at Lake Berryessa
Several PGA pilots gathered at Darby's Fishing Shack this week to remember a splat… er, fallen comrade.
Although no one is quite sure who it was that flew PGA's one and only Cessna Citation into the side of a mountain near Salt Lake City, many toasts were drunk to his unknown name and supposed memory. Tales were told of his all-too-brief life, as pilots remembered the little things, such as the way he had stumbled into the hangar one night and stubbed his toe on the big toolbox in the corner, and how The Boss had chased him back to his plane one day with her priming crank handle… (safe enough recollections, because of course every PGA pilot has experienced these things at one time or another).
Late in the evening, after everyone was thoroughly sloshed on banana daiquiris and homebrew, a hat was passed around in an attempt to take up a collection towards a suitable memorial. Unfortunately, Cap'n Geoff saw fit to donate the contents of his stomach, which sort of put an end to the collection effort.
The affair seemed a fitting send-off for one of PGA's presumed finest.
Mystery Aircraft Boggles Tower
SJC tower controllers were rubbing their eyes and checking their medication over the unusual arrival of a mysterious aircraft during the storm the other night.
According to the supervisor on duty, everyone was relaxing in the tower, since the weather was keeping traffic to a minimum. Suddenly, a pilot called in on tower frequency and announced his intention to land. Moments later, a large twin-engined plane appeared over the field, far too high to land. Although it was dark and visibility was occluded by rain, the controllers were able to catch glimpses of the craft during flashes of lightning, and there was no doubt among them that it was a twin-engined airplane. According to tower supervisor on duty Ray Darr, "the aircraft appeared to stop in mid air, hang there for a moment, and lower slowly to the middle of 12R. If we hadn't all seen it was an airplane, we would have sworn it had to be a helicopter."
The craft presumably exited the runway, although controllers were unable to monitor its progress and the pilot did not respond to radio calls. Some later said that it parked in front of the PGA hangar where a very tired and bedraggled pilot got out and headed inside. This report, however, could not be substantiated.
Moskowite Manure Mission Still Offered
Thanks to the mixed up efforts of Lukexcom (1039) there are still a few more plane loads of natural fertilizer that need to be hauled to Moskowite. The charter details can be found in the News Archive section.
Most Hours Pilots
High flyer this week was Cap'n Dave (1094) with 12.88 hours. Coming in second place was Allan Dodds (1068) with 4.87 hours.
Overall Top Pilot is still Cap'n Dave (1094) with 539.97 hours. Lukexcom (1039 is trailing but gaining with 456.60 hours.
Also of note Michael Turner (1029) passed 100 hours this week!
Moving Up
* Tarace-Boulba - Student Pilot
* Bill Summers - Airline Transport Pilot
Welcome and congratulations!
Pilot Reports
Bill "Ah There It Is" Wooford (1129) complained about how difficult some of our delivery airfields are to spot from the air. "Harvey and Firstair weren't so bad," he said.
Harvey is an International Airport by PGA standards.
"Sky Harbor is little more than a dirt field."
No Bill, Sky Harbor is a dirt field.
"Green Valley is nothing but a stain on someone's map"
How did you guess its origins on your first trip?
Allan "Dive Bomber" Dodds (1068) became a target for Bouncing Betty this week. Her first trick was to bring him in at 8,500 feet then tell him to intercept the localizer. Allan spoiled her fun by canceling his IFR and came around again at less suicidal altitude. Later she tried her yo-yo tactics. Directed up to 9,000 then back down to 1,000 back up to 4,000 and on and on. Next out of her bag of tricks was the infinite hold. Eleven full circles around the hold oval.
Allan asked that someone go speak to her. I suggest that we send Vinnie to do it. With his ball bat.
Fredric "But She Said …" Tai (1065) was hauling a group of young women around the Puget Sound this week. He gave in to the pleadings of one of the passengers and let her take the controls of the Renegade he was flying. As always, this was a mistake. A few steep climbs, sharp descents and an emergency landing later he proceeded to his destination at Port Angeles. This is what caused him to be late. Or that's his story anyway.
Bill "It's Tuesday This Must Be Gnoss" Summer (1053) travelled all over the wine country on several recent charters. Unfortunately he never quite figured out where he was at any particular moment.
Hauling film equipment to lovely Rio Vista he dials in the Unicom for South County, confusing himself and terrifying the other planes in the pattern. Neglecting to dial in Napa County until they holler at him on Guard, he tunes in and sheepishly asks to transit their airspace. He then proceeds to Gnoss. There he declares his intentions to, you guessed it, Napa County. Then off to Parret Field where he promptly confuses a right pattern for a left one. A quick about face rectified the situation.
Perhaps a vacation is in order? No not a paid vacation. What do you think this is Ignited Airlines?
Rolo "Is something wrong?" Mace (1038) announced his return to the hangar after flying SRC5 with the words, "Hey Boss! I'm Back! Better have Baldrick take a look at the Beaver."
We're guessing that Rolo probably is very lucky that The Boss is on vacation....
Darby "Wild Hair" Wilcox (1013) had a lot of adventures this week. He capped them off with this one. In his own words:
"Took of from SJC and whacked her up to full throttle. Stayed low and streaked over the runway at SAC about 10 minutes later. Whooshed over Lake Berryessa and left ripples alongside the steam ferry. Screamed past the tower at STS and out to Pt Reyes Lighthouse where we entertained the keeprs for a minute or so. Just could'nt resist buzzing the Enterprise hehehe, they did'nt even see me coming and by the time they realised we were a disapperaing dot on the south west horizon. My next reckless intention was to wreck havoc amongst a a large naval task force which I happen to know is deployed in the far SW corner but the weather deteriorated out that way. I dont know where that rain came from I certainly did'nt pray for any so had to content myself with shooting across the coast and rattling the coffee cups in the canteen at Bonny Doon. Finally I scattered a few commuters at South County, got my act together and slowed down for a textbook landing back at SJC.
WHADDA RIDE!!! WHADDA PLANE!!! WHADDA FEELIN!!"
Whadda stack of complaints from the FAA. Too bad I have to make another long trip out of town.
Updated February 21, 2001
New Pilot Joins PGA
So what's the big news about that you say? Well the news is the new pilot is from the distaff side. That's means female, Luke. Yeah a gal, Geoff.
Her name is Rosemary Starling. She hails from England and until recently was a Flight Officer in the RAF. She joined our humble organization and promptly flew the first two Seattle Student Pilot charters. After landing at Olympia she had this to say, "The Lipstick Express has arrived!" A suitable announcement if I have ever heard one. BTW fellows, she didn't bend the plane getting there. Which is more than I can say for some of you.
Now don't get excited and run off trying to find her. She's out flying charters right now. Which reminds me, what are all you apes doing standing around here? I am sure there's some fish to haul somewhere. Git!
Pier Glass Aviation Acquires Helicopters
San Jose Chronicle
In an astonishing move PGA acquired two helicopters from the bankrupt company Bay Area Touring Helicopters. The acquisition was a settlement for money owed to the San Jose based air charter company. The two aircraft are a Bell 206 Jet Ranger and a Bell 407.
"We will incorporate the two helicopters into our normal operations," said Dave Spurlock, Vice President of Operations for PGA.
News of small comfort to those of us already afraid for our lives because of the shenanigans of the fly-by-night pilots hired by the rag-tag organization. Now we have to worry about helicopters falling on us as well.
PGA Helicopter Operations
So now that we have helicopters, what do we do with them? Why fly them, of course. Here are the parameters.
* To fly a helicopter on a charter, a pilot must have a Helicopter Rating.
* This rating is available for purchase by any pilot, Private Pilot or higher.
* The price of the rating is $100,000. I did warn you that everything about these beasts is expensive.
* A Helicopter Rating is designated by a (H) placed after the normal rank. Example: CPL (H).
* A pilot rated for helicopters may fly any mission in a helicopter provided the mission is suitable for rotor wing aircraft and the pilot has sufficient rank. I recently flew a fair percentage of the missions in a helicopter, testing suitabilty. Most of them fit nicely.
* There are no special helicopter only missions at this time. That may change, but no promises.
* Pilots with a helicopter rating may use the company Jet Ranger or Bell 407. In addition they may fly their own personal helicopter purchased from Friendly Fred or from another PGA pilot.
* Because of the difficulty in flying rotor wing aircraft, I told Baldrick to place an extra roll of duct tape in each of the company birds.
Obviously, FU2/3 do not support helicopters. To benefit from this rating a pilot will have to fly charters in a simulator that has helicopters. FS98, FS2K and X-Plane have Jet Rangers as default helicopters. The upcoming Fly 2 is supposed to include a Bell 407 as a default aircraft. This is the governing factor in our choice of company aircraft. Other types of rotor wing craft are available for download and can be considered for purchase from Friendly Fred.
As a side note I would encourage any of those interested in helicopters to practice flying these unique aircraft before flying a charter. They are not as easy to fly as forward momentum aircraft. Unless you are extremely fortunate or trained in RW helicopters, you will not be able to jump in and fly. Hovering and other maneuvers are difficult to master, and many of their emergency procedures are counter-intuitive to a fixed winged pilot. Mastering these aircraft takes practice, practice and more practice.
That said, the challenge of flying a helicopter makes them a lot of fun. Using a helicopter puts a different face on some of those old charters too. You Senior Captains who think you have done it all, why don't your give helicopters a try?
Pilot Reports
Jon "What Cub?" Anderson (1066) explained his … uh… theft of a Piper J-3 Cub a couple of weeks ago:
"By the way, that cub I took up last week was owned by Pierry's Glass Avionics... I thought it said Pier Glass Aviation. Ummm... the keys were right inside the plane. I figured if I could fly a C-172, I could probably fly a J-3, I was desperate. Well, I got a call from Pierry's Glass Avionics about there missing J-3. They say my phone number was on the flight plan. They were forgiving about the whole incident. I think PGA should get some J-3 cubs. Just a thought."
So what you are saying Jon is that you can't see well enough to read a sign? When was your last medical? I agree a J3 might be nice to get into and out of some of those small fields. But we are usually carrying something like bricks or manure into those places. A J-3 might be able to carry a single brick or one bag of manure. Kinda limits its value to a cargo carrier doesn't it? But we may give it a thought for those occasional one passenger jobs we have.
Darby "Who Me?" Wilcox (1013) apparently managed to fly a super, tippy-top secret mission involving soliciters (lawyers for you non-UK English speakers) that weren't there and while remaining at Oakland Metro for the entire time.
Neat trick. I guess I need to sit down with Darby and learn how he did it.
Andrew "New Guy" Hattam (1126) ran into a little weather trouble going into Tacoma Narrows and apparently blew the flaps while doing so. He then placed a call requesting a mechanic to come repair the plane.
Uh, Andrew, what do you think that roll of duct tape under the seat is for?
Gary "Doing It His Way" Achenbach (1101) was busy flying into some of our remote fields that we service this last week. At Skynomish, he disagreed with the UNICOM which direction the pattern should turn, came in high and fast and, but still managed to touch down and stop before the trees. Barely. Welcome to Skynomish. Onto Apex. There his landing was fine, but technically not on the runway. Gotta ask him how that could be. Next stop Arlington. There he even remembered to call his pattern positions properly, but then had a Trainer take off over him while still clearing the runway. He got his revenge by passing a lolly-gagging Baron on the grass when taxiing out.
I think Gary is a fine example of a PGA pilot, don't you?
John "What Runway" Wilding (1121) took a page from Gary's book while landing at Allan Ranch. Unlike most of us he found the field easily enough. He must not have been flying at night in a storm like I usually am when I go there. He even managed to set the plane down okay, just not on the runway. " It really sneaks up on you on approach," was his excuse to himself. His excuse to his passengers was there was an animal on the runway. The Witherspoons, being regular PGA passengers, swallowed it.
Michael "I Know What Hell Is" Turner (1029) fell into the clutches of Bouncing Betty while hauling "5 nice looking females" with weird tastes in music. While Betty did her best to turn his Mooney into a yo-yo the passengers played Zen Frosted Spiders on a boom box at full blast. The ending of this Dantesque scene was nice enough. He got a kiss from the grateful passengers. "Just don't ask me to take them back," the relieved pilot said. "Imagine what a nightmare it would be to land in the dark on that horrible Quater Horse runway with the plane full of screaming teenagers and the Spiders screeching full bore from the CD."
Rolo "Fix It" Mace (1038) had to take a check ride recently. Part of the test was to feather a prop on the Baron and make a one engine landing. The problem was the throttle on the feathered engine kept sliding forward. The resourceful PGA pilot used his chewing gum to keep it in place.
The red haired mechanic wants to know if you are after her job Rolo.
Updated February 27, 2001
Mystery Box Uncovered at Darby's
At the height of a Bacchanalian ceremony several PGA pilots, led by Geoff McClean (1071) dug up a chest of obvious antiquity. In addition to several bottles of fine potables the chest contained the fragment of a map. What was on the map? We don't know, for Capn Geoff passed out at the moment of recovery and in the interim the aged parchment flittered away on the prevailing breeze. The mystery of the box now lies entirely in the skull of Capn Geoff. That's reassuring.
PGA CEO Still Missing, Mechanic Now Sought
San Jose Chronicle
Authorities are still searching for PGA Magnate Shanya Dzhjonovna who escaped from a local mental health institution late last month. Their search has now widened to cover the entire Bay region.
Following a lead that the a new mechanic for the charter air company looked similar to the missing PGA boss, the authorities ran into a new dead end. The red-haired mechanic had disappeared as well.
PGA Donut King Now Missing as Well
Have you noticed that the donuts around the coffeepot are getting harder? Have you seen that the supply haasn't been replenished for at least two weeks? Has anyone heard the sound of a souped up Baron buzzing the hangar lately? Has anyone noticed that HAL hasn't spoken for several weeks? Have you seen that Baldrick is walking around calm and smiling again? I don't know about the rest of you, but this all adds up that Lukexcom (1039) is now missing as well. Now don't run out and have a party.
Airplanes About to be Repossessed
Two of our pilots are on the brink of losing the hard earned fruits of previous labor. They have fallen arrears in their loan payments to Mr. Cutter. Now despite what you may have heard Mr. Cutter is not heartless. He has several hearts. All in a jar on his shelf. He is using them to give one final warning to the deliquent pilots before repossessing the planes. If your name is in bright red on the roster, you have until the first of the month to make arrangements with Mr. Cutter or you will lose the aircraft you worked so hard to earn. Don't let it happen.
Top Pilots
High flyer this week was new pilot Vlad "Sattva" Miller (1047) who cranked out 18.47 hours. Great job!
Cap'n Dave (1094) was in second place with 11.89 hours.
In third place Rick Smith (1114) with 4.52 hours.
Overall Top Pilot is still Cap'n Dave (1094) with 588.71 hours. Lukexcom (1039) remains in second place with 456.60 hours.
Promotions
* Geoff McClean (1071)- Senior Captain (Cat 1) (H)
* Rick Smith (1114) - Senior Captain (Cat 1) (H)
* Vlad "Sattva" Miller (1047) - Private Pilot
* Brian Russell (1143) - Private Pilot
* Arndt Henze (1126) - Student Pilot
* Derek Waterson (1140) - Student Pilot
* Anders Presterud (1144) - Student Pilot
Congratulations all!
PILOT REPORTS
Gary "Anchors Away" Achenbach (1101) upon hearing that his charter was taking him to Bumping Lake, wisely, and with only a littler persuasion from the dispatcher, chose to take a Renegade, rather than his favorite Mooney. He aimed at the biggest VFR marker in the area, Mt. Rainier, located Ranger Creek, (bet he couldn't do that if he was supposed to land there) then hopped over the ridge line to his destination. Despite not being used to the sink rate of the Renegade, he made a decent landing at Bumping lake. He only terrorized some poor soul in a sailboat and scared half the fish in the lake doing it.
Lars "Understatement" Peter Galaasen (1052) has the talent for making tense moments seem so casual. Told to parachute out of a plane at the infamous Half Moon Bay Air Show, he reports sardonically, "I am afraid of heights, so this will not happen again." Later having to make a dark landing at Commodore Center his only report was, "It was so dark I had to aim at the Beacon and try to avoid hitting anything." His summary of each charter? "Good flight."
John "I Know Nothing" Wilding (1121) studiously avoided looking towards the back seat while ferrying a honeymooning couple to San Francisco International. He then helped them make their flight on time by taxiing directly to the main terminal despite the shouts of the ground controllers. He just pretended he was confused. He then delivered the "special cargo" intact to San Jose. Intact is defined as "none of the bottles broke."
Geoff "Merry-Go-Round" McLean (1071) decided to try out his new Helicopter Rating by running the Mad Dog 20/20 up to the crazy scriptwriter at San Francisco. Here is his report:
" Well, the practice seems to have paid off. Martin about had a cow watching me come down. Lets say it was good that there were no other vehicles next to the office. No, I didn't hit anything, and the landing/touchdown were perfect. It's just that I went around and around a few times trying to bleed forward airspeed. But, a most successful first flight!"
I guess the fact that he didn't bend the aircraft makes it a successful flight. The writer was just happy that he didn't break any of the bottles of Mad Dog.
Darby "Joystick" Willcox (1013) ran into a little trouble on a long haul flight to SeaTac. The controls of the Beechjet he was piloting started acting quirky. This cost him a stall situation from which he barely recovered. Fighting stiff controls and discovering he had no thrust reversers he made an emergency landing. A quick recalibration and he was on his way again. He ran into "Bouncing Betty" coming into SeaTac. Being the pro he is, he turned her off and requested vectors direct, thus saving the company a chunk of money in fuel costs.
In true PGA style Brett "A Hero in the Rough" Lynes (1036) made an emergency medical run to SeaTac in the middle of a bad thunderstorm. He successfully pushed through despite 32 knot winds, all the while singing "Those Magnificant Men in Their Flying Machines."
Let me tell you Brett, if the Boss were around, you'd be her hero. Not for the flight, that's your job. But for the song, which is her favorite.
Chris "Stinky" Morgese (1010) was one of those that made the Moskowite Manure run. He used a company Beaver because "It's the company's easiest plane to handle."
It may be the easiest plane to handle Chris. Now tell me is it the easiest plane to clean out? Don't know do you? Why don't you go find out?
Brand spanking new pilot Derek "What Map?" Watterson (1140) sent a lot of chills down the back of dispatchers when he was overdue on a charter. He was flying the very first Student Pilot Charter in Seattle. You know the one. That simple little hop from BFI to SEA. But he was late and everyone was starting to wonder if the worst happened. He finally showed up. His sheepish excuse for his tardiness? "I got lost."
Lost? Going between Boeing Field and Seattle-Tacoma International? Just wait until he heads out for R&K Skyranch. That will be a PIREP to read.
New pilot Vlad "Target Lock" Miller (1147) had a very busy week, flying all 20 of the Student Pilot charters and earning his promotion to Private Pilot. It wasn't all roses however. He landed hard at Moffett field. So hard on of the "G.I.'s" broke their arm. The grunt made a comment about something called a "Stinger" next time that Vlad was seen flying around Travis AFB.
Bill "No Lawyers Please" Summers (1053) found out that clouds and high powered lawyers don't mix. Trying to avoid making them late he flew over the hills to Callistoga despite the low ceiling. They squirmed with nervousness as he made several attempts to land at the dirt field. He didn't let it phase him though. A repeat performance later that evening as he tried to hop over the hills to Half Moon Bay. This time his nervous passenger was contagious. Bill paid so much attention to the passenger he himself became disoriented in the clouds. Believe it or not Bouncing Betty actually came to his aid and steered him to his location.
Will wonders never cease. She must not have known he was a PGA pilot.
Rick "Check Ride" Smith (1114) had to take a jet check ride with Cap'n Joel. He was apprehensive during the whole flight. Cap'n Joel had him do T&G's at SAC, STS and SFO. Rick reports that he thinks he did okay. Cap'n Joel only ripped his head set off once to shout words of encouragement. Then there was the incident of the Arrow. The Arrow moved through the pattern without regard to other aircraft and cut them off on final. When Cap'n Joel asked how he was going to handle the situation. Rick's answer?
"Well, we've got tonnage on our side, sir. I think we can take him." That's when Cap'n Joel grabbed the controls.